What was your last great feel, /r9k/, the last truly deep feel you had before you retreated into numbness, unable to feel anything?
It was 7 years ago for me. I was 19. Summer after the first year of college, got together with all the old high school people. They had all done great things the past year, and I had wilted away at community college. After we hung out, I went home and spent 2 hours lying in the backyard staring at the sky thinking about where things went wrong. Then I took a walk and smoked a cigarette and went to bed.
I woke up and haven't felt a thing since.
What about you, robots? When did you replace your flesh with circuitry?
I think when I ordered my plush wife.
Literally no reason to talk to girls now.
That gif was like my first relationship in a nut shell
No it wasn't incest
>IN college for math
>Studied my ass off for test
>Went in confident
>Failed it pathetically
>The word "failure" hung in my mind for weeks
>Dropped out of college
>NEET now, stopped caring
>>25088943
My first and only sexual experience was with my sister.
I'm still in love with her.
>>25088881
Last summer. I had to listen my mother crying and telling me how much she hated my father, and their constant screaming and arguing for about a year before she took me and my sister and moved us in with some man I'd never met.
He turned out to be a psycho, and I spent the entire summer dealing with my mother's emotional breakdowns before we finally moved back in with my father.
But not before the man we were living with told me that I was of an antisocial sub-class and I would never amount to anything.
At this point I don't feel much of anything for anyone.
My mother still has emotional breakdowns because of her misery in living with my father but I don't even feel sympathy for her anymore.
The only thing I seem to feel nowadays is anger.
>>25089176
if some random man who was fucking my mom told me that, I wouldve punched him there and then.
>>25088881
2 years ago, when my grandphater died
I felt so happy
>>25089145
Anon that's so lewd
>>25089176
>told me that I was of an antisocial sub-class
Someone autistic enough to say that is themselves of an antisocial sub-class. I wouldn't sweat it anon.
>>25089267
She's a pale slim girl with long, straight, dark hair.
Literally the entire reason I got into anime is because there's a girl that looks like her in almost every show.
Seeing my father succumb to alcoholism over the years and then commit suicide a few years ago.
I just bottled most of it up and I've been a shell of a human being ever since.
>>25089304
Post her hair. I never see girls with hair like that where I live
>>25089304
I'm sickened but curious
>>25089304
Hot. You're emotionally retarded though.
New Years the year before last year, my Mom got invited by a friend of hers from work to go to ski at their cabin in Northern Michigan.
There were so many little kids there and they all loved me, like always trying to pretend to hurt me and all that, and we went into the woods to try to find a hill to sled on, and we found a big one and we all went on a sled together, and I lied and said I heard wolves and all that.
Then we played outside and I kept getting my ski goggles fogged up because I was breathing out my nose so heavily.
I was 19 at that time and most of those kids were like 7.
People my age are shitty fucks, I don't understand how they can consume the same media as me and still be phony fucks.
I really don't see any way to be happy unless you're a kid or around kid, or maybe people like Forrest Gump.
>>25088881
>tfw no sister gf
>>25089145
tell us more, anon
>>25088881
It would sound too stereotypical. I acknowledge the fact that I idealizes a situation into something it wasn't, but the emotion was there for me regardless.
Calling 911 for my girlfriend that was having a seizure and the subsequent finding out she had a brain tumor in the hospital after the MRI.
Life was never the same after, this was more that 16 years ago.
>>25088881
Going to class at my technical school.
I went half-days to my high-school and there my senior year.
I was studying things I was interested in, learning new stuff each day. I had a circle of friends I could really hold genuine conversations with. We went to competitions and field trips and it felt like home.
It was the only time I felt alive and like a person. Now I'm just stagnated here. Everyone else is doing their own thing. One's in the navy, another now has a career going, the rest I don't know.
>>25089823
lol pedo
>>25089715
I'm not going to post pictures of the sister I'm incestuously infatuated with for you to reverse-search it.
Her hair is not dissimilar to this picture though. Skin coloration and build is similar to sasha's as well, though the face is completely different.
>>25089823
Whoah there Holden, chill out bud.
>>25089836
I was 15, she was 13. We were home alone and watching TV in our parents room. We started play-wresting, which wound up with her on her stomach and me on top of her grinding. She got into it I guess since she flipped over and straddled on top, and giggled when I started grabbing her boobs. I carried her into her room and took off her clothes, then my clothes. Picked her up again and got her on top of me. I'm not actually sure whether I ever got it in or not, I just felt a really really nice warmness on my penis and I started cumming basically immediately. She said it felt weird. I was still a moralchristfag at the time so I pushed her off and ran to my room. I felt terrible for months afterwards. I think she tried to initiate a few more times but I always moralfagged out only to masturbate furiously to it later.
I think she still had feelings for me as recently as 4 years ago (when I was 21) but I think they've died down. We still hug pretty hardcore though, and sometimes she lets me kiss her neck (but not her face).
>>25090128
That's not as straight as my anime girls senpai.
Just walk into her room and ask her for a picture of her hair.
>>25090342
She keeps it braided except for special occasions
>>25088881
love. i thought i was emotionally dead for a while but i met a girl who changed everything around made me believe i could be happy and she told me she loved me and i felt everything was right. everything would work out fine no matter because i had someone to love and feel love from. then one day she just stopped saying it and things changed. felt mortally wounded that she wouldnt say she loved me anymore.and that was the beginning of hell for me, over the next half year i bleed out every bad emotion and fear and bad thought as i tried to get her back. i wanted to die from the experience. it was mental torture.
i just remember feeling so happy and at ease, blissful when she would look me in the eyes and it felt okay to be vulnerable and show her my love.
she emotionally tortured me though. and i tried my best to not go back to numb but felt it slowly seep back into my life against my will. now i think about her and when i dont feel numb and blocked out to the idea of her its only anger or devestation with a tiny bit positive, other than horribly numb.
i crave pills just to make it go from horrible/ hurt numb to true numb and uncaring, unfeeling like i was before i met her.
>>25089823
People are dismissing your post but
>I really don't see any way to be happy unless you're a kid or around kid, or maybe people like Forrest Gump
is the straight truth. I think there's too much involved in adult life to ever be truly happy.
>>25090411
TELL HER THAT THIS IS A VERY "SPECIAL" OCCASION AND TAKE A PICTURE OF HER FUCKING HAIR NOW
>>25090544
Brother I feel your thirst, because I also fetishize hair, but you need to calm down.
>>25090567
I just came, so I'm good now.
When I realized all of my online friends talked to me out of pity/self gratification and that my stepfather was right when he said nobody would ever give two shits about me and that I'd never have a true friend in the world
why does numbness feel so cold?
When my succubus first visited me senpai to be honest shit was overwhelming
I cant even remember familia
I can't remember. It probably wasn't significant.
>>25088881
the last time my dad said he was proud of me.
>>25091300
>tfw neither of my parents have ever said that
My last great feel was in 4th grade when my grandfather died of cancer
>>25088881
I'm not sure exactly what the feel was or if it was even a positive feel but I know it was around my birthday a couple years ago that I just took a huge dive in my depression.
At that time I had already been divorced for about a year but I don't think it was that which made everything worse. It was the fact that I had no one. All these people who were around me and said they cared for me suddenly couldn't give a damn about me and how I felt. All the people I helped through their hard times with now were way too happy and content with their lives to let me confide all my sadness in or at least try to pick me up to help make me feel better.
It was the weeks upon weeks of going to work then going home to an empty house to hours of TV or Netflix to pass the time letting all my thoughts just brew and fester into something poisonous and dark. It was just knowing that I lacked any social skills or positive mindset to be an attractive enough person to talk to, whether the intention was friendship or otherwise. I was alone and I had no way of fixing that.
Not to mention seeing the woman I loved go from guy to guy, having friends to support her and having the ability to let go and enjoy herself that made it much worse. She used me up and took what positive feelings I had and shit all over them. I hated her but I think more than anything I was envious of the fact that she could be so carefree and seem to not give a fuck about the divorce and seeing it as a good thing for herself so she could go off and do what she wanted when all I ever could have wanted in life was her and her forever.
What's worse is that now I've come to the point where I have these thoughts of suicide and every time I just get closer and closer to ending it. My depression is getting out of control and I can tell my family is noticing since they always ask if I'm okay yet they never go further to them I'm just tired or stressed from work but they don't know how close I've come to ending it
>>25088881
I can't remember. It's just... I don't really have the capacity to appreciate the significance of feelings like that any more.
>>25090242
GIVE
HER
THE
DEEEEEEEEEEEE
>>25091362
iktfb
>tfw you haven't done anything to be proud of in a long time
>>25089823
i honestly feel the same way. theres some magic that kids have that allows them to be happy under any circumstance; their childhood innocence. and while youre with them its infectious, its only until theyre gone that you realize just how sad you are once again.
>I really don't see any way to be happy unless you're a kid or around kid, or maybe people like Forrest Gump.
sadly, thats very true.
Here's the story of when I lost my emotions and hope:
>In highschool
>parents forced me to do normie activities
>swimming, band, tennis, piano lessons
>had friends, but couldn't get a gf
>they always said I was creepy or lame
>in 11th grade I was crushing on a 6/10 band qt
>man up and ask her to prom
>she said yes!
>for the next 2 weeks I was king of the fucking world
>me, the faggot who was labeled a creepy lame guy got a real fucking date
>ffw to prom
>I go and pick her up, get pictures done and all that shit
>go to dance
>people are surprised to see me with a real life girl on my arm
>I was brimming with confidence
>Felt like this was a new beginning for me
>so we dance, and eat, and joke and laugh for a while
>half way through she says she promised to dance with this other guy for a song
>I agreed thinking it was only one song so what could it hurt
>so I go get some water while they dance and as I come back I see them fucking making out
>I couldn't believe my eyes
>I was confused at first, then I raged, then I cried like a bitch
>I cried in the middle of the dance floor in front of my whole class because of a whore
>I ran outside and sat under a tree for the rest of the time
>afterwards she found me and apologized and wanted me to take her home
>which I did like an obedient cUck
>got home and cried myself to sleep that night
And that's how I became a jaded fuck who, after years of failure and loss of confidence, is now a depressed hollow husk of a man, sitting in my room all day crying over cute girl anime because it's the best I can get. Women ruin lives man
This wasn't the sole experience that fucked me up, but it's what started it. My life went into a steep decline over the next 4 years.
>meet gf at the center of campus
>she's a qt black weeaboo I met in freshman year
>we stayed friends for about 3 years
>go on a nightwalk together
>explain I'm going to drop out of university
>she's disheartened and concerned
>I tell her we should spend the time best we can
>climb onto the roof of the old arena
>we look out from the roof across campus, talk, and eventually make out
>walk some more
>she decides to sleep over at my apartment
>I wake up in the morning, and escort her to the bus stop before she heads back to her place
I'm back home now, and I feel the distance is going to kill whatever is between us for good in the coming months. I have nobody out here, and my high school "friends" all hate me.
God, she's perfect. I've become averse to attachment after being fucked over hard by my robot-ex (don't date fembots), but I think there's something there that was special.
All my dreams are now riding on whether I can get my RHCSA by January.
When I realized I wasn't special or destined for anything good
>>25088881
Summer of 2013. My drug summer. No job. Had one semester of uni left.
I was happy, r9k. I was genuinely happy.
General Nihilism, mixed with deep loneliness at college. Now I'm on antidepressants, embraced the absurd, and switching colleges to the one my best friend went to. So I'm just along for the ride at this point and I refuse to feel for now.
>>25093546
Tell us more anon, I would like to know your story
>>25093796
>he read Albert Camus
Mah nigga.
>>25093797
Alright
>12th grade I had a friend
>he's from an abusive household
>one night he calls me and says he's going to kill himself
>I freak out because he's my only friend
>it's like 2 am, and he lives 30 minutes away in the back woods
>it's drive like a madman back there, running red lights and stop signs
>i get to his house and see him on his porch
with a gun in his mouth bawling his eyes out
>it's approach him carefully and ask where his parents are
>they're gone on a trip to new York and just left their depressed kid home with a shit load of guns
>it's try to calm him down
>he pulled the hammer back on the gun
>I'm am begging him to put the gun down
>he keeps saying he wants to die and nothing will change
>I bum rushed him and tackled him, managing to get the gun out of his mouth
>he pulls the trigger out of shock
>we both freak out
>I take the gun and throw it in the woods as hard as I can
>I just hug my friend and try my best to console him
>He cried on me for hours and told me his whole life story
>he eventually calmed down and went to sleep
Seeing that really fucked me up. He was my only friend and if I had lost him I would have probably killed myself as well. His life was truly fucked up, like people come here because of no gf, but this guy grew up in a mobile home with a crack addict father who took potshots at him with his guns.
After that day I lost my compassion for all humans. I only felt for my friend. Even though he's away from me I still only think of him at night, hoping he's somewhere leading a better life. He had the brains to do it, just not the emotional fortitude.
The last time we spoke, we ended our conversation saying we both wished to get cancer and die.
>>25094012
Damn, anon. You're a good person
>>25094012
One more before bed. About my first year of college.
>get into a decent school as an engineer
>think I was pretty smart in highschool so if I just apply myself I'll be fine
>study my ass off for all my classes
>first round of exams come up, fail all 5 exams
>look at it as a learning experience and just have to try harder
>second round comes
>still fail all exams
>I don't know why but failing twice in a row like that threw something off.
>I didn't leave my bed for 3 weeks after that, except for food
>ate one meal a day
>watched nothing but anime from sunrise to sunset
>Thought of suicide daily
Meanwhile:
>roommate is a happy-go-lucky faggot in pre-med who aced all his exams, had a gf, made friends with everyone else on the hall
>it made me sick to watch him live a happy
>feel myself slipping
>falling deeper, seeing nothing
>didn't improve at all
>roommate doesn't care that I haven't left the room in 3 weeks, doesn't even talk to me
>somehow managed to get back to my classes out of obligation and scrape by with all Cs and a D- in calc.
>switch to history 3/4 way through the semester to start over again next semester
>Next semester is worse
>Classes are a joke so i don't feel challenged
>don't go, then feel bad for skipping
>falling further and further into a cycle of self-loathing and depression
>have nightmares and wake up in cold-sweats
>get straight A's second semester
Those A's made me feel worse because I didn't even try to get them.
I'm in my third semester now and it's not improving.
The semester just ended and I feel like I've learned nothing and that my intelligence has regressed.
I want to take a semester off to figure out why I'm so fucking the head but me mom refuses to listen to that.
Get into fights over it with my parents.
They tell me that I'm nothing like my brother and that he's the successful one.
Christmas is sure going to be fun...
>>25094163
Thanks man. He's all i got left in this world, and I can't let him go.
Welcome to death robots!
Wake up hating self
Go to school play the "happy" guy
No luck with girls
Go home with no offers from anyone to hang out
Does home work
Watches anime to cope with crippling loneliness
Turns into a himoto
Barely eats. Anything. Period.
Can't start and hold a conversation if my life depended on it
Retreats into own little world
Mom wants her happy son back
Too late ma he's dead
Contemplates suicide 5/7 days of the week
Almost attempted last night
Doesn't know what to do any more
Thats me I wrote that here last week.....
I'm literally descending into madness!
>>25094242
Have you thought ofjust being yourself
>>25094279
Being myself took me the madness so I have to change, you dense motherfucker.
>>25094190
I'm in a similar spot:
>High School senior year
>failed all classes this semester
>no friends
>no motivation
>everyone else is having a grand time
It hurts even more when I remember that I am hiding my grades from my parents. They still think I'm a successful son.
I'll tell them my situation one night and after they go to bed just go somewhere and find a nice spot to put myself out. My sister is leaps and bounds ahead of me anyway.
>>25094274
>14 in 2012
Underage b&
>>25094366
I'm eighteen, might have gotten the age wrong
>>25094354
Stay strong fAm. Try a trade maybe. You don't have to be book smart to be successful
>>25094433
Yeah, thing is I have super strict Slav parents who think that good grades are the only thing that make you successful, even a hint that I have all Fs and I'll get kicked out.
Either way I'm not too fond of today's world, maybe before I off myself I'll hop on a passing train and go for an adventure or something.
>>25088881
ted talk from an emergency first responder talking about letting people know when they have no chance of living for 10 more minutes.
When I was a teen, after years of angst & depression, I just accepted that I'd always be a friendless, loveless, loser and that I should just work to have tge best life a friendless, loveless, loser can. Since then I almost never feel sadness about my situation.
>>25094012
I love you Ro8ot.
There was no last great feel, just the sum total of experience. Every time someone stopped responding, rejected me outright, or worse, "said yes to be nice", I lost a piece of my soul that won't come back unless the impossible happens.
And it won't. If my life taught me anything, it's that nobody is actually interested in me and anyone who says otherwise is lying.
>>25092465
sorry that this is happening to you
When my online gf of two years told me "I don't love you any more" as I was literally booking the tickets to see her then she told me she lost her virginity to some random guy three days later.
Turned me off women and relationships.
It's better this way.
>>25094580
lolslav
When those kids from my reserve died a month ago, it set me back into my depression that I was almost sorta getting over, at least I was working on fixing it. That was back when I had feelings, things were kinda going better but then that happened, then my gorilla brother tried to kill me and my mom and was gonna like, murder my family in a drunken coked up rage, idk what he would have done but I've overheard some of the shit he's said like "I could kill anyone I don't give a fuck" so yeah......feelings, fuck them right? :/ I'll just stay numb forever with a few deviations when the time calls for it (who even feels their feelings anymore, you just sorta look at them then put on the show for others so they know "this person still has sensation in themselves" so nobody knows the truth that you're really a robot)
when I was 15 they kicked me out of school and I lost all my friends, then they told me I have asperges.
I sat in my room and just did nothing all day on my computer.
I'm now 25 and still on my computer ;_;
>>25090593
I really liked this interaction lel
One day after a series of failed attempts at education and work, I lost it. I still don't really know what it was and haven't been able to ever get it back.
All I know is whatever it was it was what enabled me to have motivation and attempt to progress my life.
Ever since I lost it, I've accomplished nothing.
It's been almost 5 years and haven't got it back since.
>>25090242
Just want to say that you are evoking some major feels from me. All my siblings I spent most of my time growing up with were older boys. I always wanted a sister, and in fact I was "meant" to be the girl of the family except for being born a boy. All I wanted was a little sister.
Probably when was accepted by love interest briefly and then dropped suddenly a few years ago, though let it go and have been working on just improving life, relationships are too taxing1. Job has been driving me mad, have excelled socially to the point of being overconfident and other people don't really intimidate me anymore and that makes an already bland job complete bunk. So I haven't been here much. Nothing really excites me anymore and I'm just in constant agony waiting to get older and lose my family members and suffer taking care of them as they wither away. Considered suicide, but that's not really reasonable, I think.
>generally lead a shitty life for as long as I remember
>always block out childhood memories, because remembering it always ends up with me getting heavily melancholic for several days
>still always did my best and loved me for working my ass off and not backing down on things
>had a deep trust into me being able to overcome things, because I always did, no matter what
>get diagnosed with cancer somewhere in 11th grade
>have to rely on doctors to pull me through
>survive, but worldview is shattered
>I could not do it on my own
>it could happen again, any time
>and I would not pull through alone
>figure life could tear out everything from me if it wanted to, I would be powerless
>sit with my hands folded since, because any effort and passion could get recked in a blink of an eye
I dont want to be such a sad bitch, but there is just nothing that convinces me otherwise. I can delude myself into thinking stuff is alright, but I will never truly believe it and break on everything.
