This is not the place for this. I'm probably going to get banned, read the thread at least.
I've had depression throughout my life and have various methods of treatment. I have undergone a series of 12 electro-convulsive therapy treatments. These were supposed to be the end all be all to me finally feeling somewhat better. The doctors yelled at me when I didn't want to continue doing them. Originally I was supposed to do 6 of those. They (the doctors working with me) were very uncooperative. Every morning that I had a treatment day, for about three months, I would get dropped off by my dad at the hospital. This was around 4am. I would have to wait in line with many other patients with varying illnesses. I would usually be one of the first ones there, so I would be done by 7:30 usually, but sometimes I would be farther in line. When it was finally my turn I would be sat down in a room with the head nurse and be asked to fill out the same clipboard about how I was feeling. I never once marked any improvement. I always wrote exactly how I was feeling in the "extra" section. Then I would walk to the hospital bed and one of the psychiatrists would eventually show up and do her/his rounds. Nobody ever saw the doctor for more than I minute. I would always try and make sure that they heard my case, but they could care less. One doctor even said, "I am volunteering my time to talking to you." That is just an awful thing to say to a patient. Especially since I got billed $40k for just one week of treatment.
>>25067014
After about a half hour I would get an IV. Not that this matters, but the nurses were usually so tired that they would never get it in the first time. It didn't help that I was dehydrated because I was not allowed to drink 12 hours before. Anyway the anesthesiologists would then come and knock me out. There is no pain from ECT because you are asleep. When you wake up you are supposed to feel sore and have memory losses, but I never had any of that. I was stopped going because it didn't help. The doctor told me I was just doing it for attention.
>>25067020
I have also tried SSRI's and SNRI's, aka antidepressants. I have tried almost every variation for several months at a time. It doesn't matter what pill it is, they are all the same. I don't want to get into the side affects of every pill, but they are real. I'll tell you guys about a few. Wellbutrin was one of the earliest SSRI's that I took. I gained 20lbs in 2 months. The doctor told me that it was impossible for the pill to have caused that. Maybe that is true, I'm no expert. Prozac and Zoloft both caused me to not be able to orgasm. Not only was it embarrassing to say that to my doctor, but it was humiliating when asked if I was sexually active, and I said no, he told me that he didn't see the issue. Imagine you are me for a second. I've gained weight and am now struggling to diet an exercise (I did eventually lose the weight), and on top of that one of my one pleasures in life is gone. The one thing I could go to at the end of the day, the most private thing I had, was gone. That same doctor eventually told me that my illness was out of his scope. He came to the conclusion after 5 months... Many other side affects of these two were both insomnia and extreme drowsiness, at the same time. The doctor told me that he could prescribe me sleeping pills, but I never wanted them. He later refereed me to a new doctor because I was uncooperative.
I actually found a therapist who helps.
I guess my question is who benefits from your suffering? Are you trying to make any family members feels bad by not being successful?
>>25067032
I have also tried various forms of therapy. I have studied DBT and CBT a lot. I went to 10 weeks of intensive outpatient therapy, twice. I would always do all my homework. I am shy in groups, so I would write down what I wanted to say and bring that with me to these groups. Those two programs taught me a lot of great skills. I have excellent coping skills. I know how to NOT kill myself. They don't really work much beyond that. Sure, I can work through a panic attack if I were to ever get one. I know that I need to look at other peoples perspective before I commit a crime. I get that these are great programs that have helped many people. Just not me. I've been to many therapists, but it seems recently that any new therapist I go to, they only want to talk about DBT specifically. It feels like they don't trust their own skills anymore, so they rely on these tried-and-tested-true methods. Every new therapist I go to I always bring all of my notes and workbooks that I have used, so that they know what I know. I guess because I lack a PHD, that my knowledge is to be questioned. I understand that. I always work with every new therapist. I tell them that I am frustrated from the beginning. Therapists never want to tell me one specific thing. They are no better than the internet losers I talk to.
>>25067034
Nobody benefits. I don't want to suffer. I want to get something more....
>>25067043
I have tried many other things, too: aroma therapy, acupuncture, various vitamins and supplements, prayer with many religious leaders, color therapy, art therapy, yoga, different diets, sun bathing, no-fap for 12 weeks, crystal therapy, pet therapy, laughing exercises, pretending to be happy, and much more.
>>25067034
How does your therapist help? Good for you, man.
>>25067081
I get it if you are upset that what you tried and worked, hasn't worked for me. There is a big problem with mental health, and life in general, where the victim is blamed. Survivalist bias is very strong when asking for help. I don't know what is wrong with me. No doctor has given me a diagnosis that they could explain. I've had my brain chemicals tested and they are all normal.
I don't even know what I expect to hear from Facepunch. It just feels so alone when I'm the only one who thinks what I think. Nobody else has gone through what I have gone through. It hurts when I read about somebody saying something like, "Effexor saved my life. Maybe it is placebo effect, but at least it works!" I feel like I'm doing something wrong when I read that. Maybe I am. I don't care about girlfriends. I don't care about being poor. I don't care about my job, or lack there of depending on the month. Every moment of every day I want to kill myself. I am not always aware of it though. I'm good at distracting myself from my suicidal thoughts, mainly because of my training. It can sneak up on me, though. Even when I'm happy, I want to kill myself.
My family doesn't understand. The worst being my mother who tells me that I would already be dead if I really wanted to kill myself. Everyone I talk to never looks at my life as a whole. They seem to only hear one part, and then tell me that I just didn't do that one specific thing correctly. It is true I haven't tried everything. I still have hope, I think.
My Savta, who is a retired psychologist, is the only one who is honest with me. Nobody but her seems to realize that depression is a terminal illness. She told me that I have two options: Kill myself right now, or live the rest of my life miserable. She said that my Saba was unhappy his entire life.
>>25067093
've had many diagnosis. I've been diagnosed schizoeffective, treatment resistant depression, bipolar type one and two, borderline, autism, and my most recent one was attention. I don't think I can be diagnosed. The entire field of psychiatry is based on nothing. The DSM for these illnesses are not scientific. If you have aids, and then ask how did the doctor come up with that, they will show you exactly why.
Mental illness isn't like that. At its worst I have been diagnosed within 15 minutes. At it's best I was diagnosed after many tests with just doing it all for attention.
Psychiatry hasn't changed much since the 1950's. Every antidepressant out there right now was never originally used for treating depression. SNRI's, for example, were discovered in 1954 for weight loss. That didn't work, so they tried fibromyalgia. It wasn't until the 90's that they FIGURED IT OUT. Third times the charm, right?
>>25067109
December 2010
257 Posts
I think I am cursed by some sort of anti-suicide demon. I tried killing myself last night... I guess it was too nights ago... but I obviously failed. My previous attempts were all stopped because someone found me after I was unconscious. This time I went into the woods by my Nana's house and overdosed their instead. I had been saving all my old medications for months. They were like an alcoholic hiding a bottle of scotch underneath his pillow, I guess.
Well, I hope you're happy demon! You have done it again. I'll continue to live against the odds.
I used to tell people that I don't want to kill myself, I just want to be happy. That statement hasn't been true for a long time. Even when I'm happy I want to kill myself. At least if I die happy, I can end it on a high-note. If I die happy I won't have to feel this way I do now... ever again.
>>25067130
I promised myself last year on my birthday that if I survived that attempt, I wouldn't try again until I turned. I should have died 2 months ago.
I've made a lot of mistakes over my life. I look at all of you and think, "that is so sad, he didn't do anything to deserve that." Unlike all of you I have no diagnosis. I've had so many doctors tell me, "the scope of my illness is too much for them." The rest say I'm just there for attention. My mother says that if I was really suicidal that I would have died already.
My dad came to me the other day and said, "Son, the doctors have failed you. You're therapist has failed you. I have failed you. I can't help you anymore. I'm sorry that I told you I could. When you were younger you would cry and that either meant you wanted food or you needed your diaper changed. Now that you are a man, your problems are bigger than me. I don't want you to kill yourself, and neither does your mother. I'll support any decision you make as long as you are alive, but I can't help you."
>>25067148
I remember every word. I think that was a month ago? He said what I wanted to hear for so long. All this time I thought he was just ignoring me. At times I even thought that he was purposely trying to make me kill myself because he was bored or something. Having someone reafirm my belief that I can't be helped was nice, but it's like a dog chasing a dump truck. Now what? A few months ago he asked me what I was up to on the phone, and I said I was just living like Toby (my grandmas dog). The next time my dad came over he walked up to Toby and thanked him. I asked my dad why he did that and he said,
>Because he is keeping my boy alive
>>25067180
2016 is approaching soon.
>>25067204
for the past few weeks i have been letting my grandfather use my car to drive to work because I don't use it. it was worth $4000 when I bought it, and that was in 2010.
I'm not sure what to say. I guess I'm just happy that he isn't hurt, but... that car was all I had left. my last possession.
I'm grateful that he lets me live with him. I guess I can't complain...
>>25067222
I just don't get it. I want to be happy. I want to do anything else. Why is this me? Why am I this guy? How can I change....
I don't expect any answers r9k... I don't even know what the point of trying to talk anymore is. I have done so much to try and get better. Nothing I do has ever worked.
Nothing ever goes the way I expect it will.
>>25067252
Is there a change? Can it change? What does it take?
I'm asking too many questions....
I want to be alive. I want to stop being a robot.
>tfw no gf
That is a meaningless feel to me. I don't care about friendship or sex. I just want to be comfortable being alive. I just want to feel normal. Be normal. Be not-myself.
>>25067286
By posting I am just reafiring the world's view that I am attention seeking.
I don't know how to ask for help WITHOUT looking like I am begging for attention.
I want new ideas to try. Nobody ever has any new ideas for me.
They just want me to keep trying the same routines.
>>25067311
I'm looked at like an idiot. I probably am an idiot.
Medication just does not work. I don't get it. I want to get it. I want to be the happy guy who got his life saved by Latuda. I want to be that guy.
I'll take anything given to me. I just can't guarantee that I will enjoy it. I'll appreciate it... But I can't force myself to be happy.
>>25067340
When do answers take place?
> I hate myself but at the time I didn't realize it
>how are your studies going, anon :^)
>have you found a job yet? our son just started at a law firm :^)
>how's it going with the ladies? :^)
>why are you so quiet, anon :^)
>>25067370
. I'm not sure I even really know what happiness feels like. My life isn't bad at all, but god it's so empty and pointless.
>sad normalfags
