who /losing it and going insane/ here?
>>25024827
Why is /int/ the example there?
>>25024827
thats what opiates and benzos are for broda
cracked out on adderall for finals week
kinda want to shoot ketamine into my face
>>25024827
Yes. Originality is off the charts.
Extremely Paranoid
Get Very Twitchy In Public
Hear Noises That Shouldn't Be There
Something Touches me When I lay Down to Sleep
Think I See Something In The Corner Of my Eye 24.7
>>25024827
I have days where I actually worry about myself.
>>25024939
Make Really Fucking Weird Faces And Sounds For The Hell Of It
Have A Bunch Of Videos Recorded Of Myself
Short Term Memory Is Deteriorating
Moral Compass Is All Over The Place
Contradict Myself In Everything I Do
when i first heard about tripping on robo sizzurp i almost flew off the handle. crazy people shouldnt do drugs
>>25024973
Those last 3 anon.
>have been spending hours everyday writing increasingly incoherent journal entries
>they are about my morality, my political beliefs, my infatuation with a certain girl, how much I deserve to be tortured and killed, put down like a dog
>randomly switch who I am writing to, whether it's me, the journal, women, men, family members
>only way to quell the racing thoughts
Welp
>>25024939
>>25024973
>types like a 13 year old autist
>>25025070
Post 'em, crazy boy.
>>25025101
It's in my journal, I don't want to get it out and take pictures then upload them.
It's really not that exciting, the handwriting is close to illegible.
>>25024939
I get so twitchy in public it's unreal
I lost my job last Friday
>>25024874
Have you ever browsed there? It's full of lunatics
>>25025101
Not him, but I have schizophrenia and try to describe my hallucinations in my journal
I've convinced myself it's okay to hate myself and that it's just an emotion and not a character flaw. It's helped me feel less shit about hating myself.
>>25025189
>I lost my job last Friday
What happened?
I'm totally fine here, roaches.
>>25025263
Sorry it's kinda hard to read, I'm psychotic when I write a lot of these
>>25025279
Site I was doing security at closed down
But maybe it will lead me to better things. The job was so comfy it was so easy I would just put it in the back of my head and not worry about it. I never got anxious going to that job, but it paid peanuts
>>25025253
Yeah, extensively.
It's objectively less crazy than /b/ or /pol/.
>>25024827
dropped out a few months ago and now i just work at a grocery store almost every day. its so boring i think im going crazy.
i often have weird, impulsive thoughts about wanting to hurt myself, or just ram my head into the wall, or run out of the store and just keep on running
>>25024827
>go to psychiatrist (however the fuck you spell it)
>find out I have Schizophrenia
I couldn't believe it at first, but the more I looked at it the more sense it made. The only symptom I don't have is drug abuse. Minor alcohol abuse though. Being drunk gets rid of all the wild thoughts
Basically, I am constantly talking to myself when I am alone. It feels like I am talking to someone. I know I am not, but I am saying the exact same things I would say as if they were actually there. I see shit on rare occasions and more often hear shit. Although, the majority of the time, my hallucinations are not sight or auditory, they are more like a scenario in my head that I am stuck in and I forget about reality, and then I react externally. Hence the growling and random laughter some schizophrenics are known for.
I can't have a serious relationship. I don't feel anything anymore. Sometimes i'm afraid i'm no longer able to care about anyone. Hell, i've even turned asexual because I can't feel anything at all.
That's probably why I used to be addicted to anger. Since I was losing all feeling.
Sorry for the book anons
>>25025070
You seem like you have it too
Rehearsing conversations is a major sign
>>25025375
Was the psychiatrist able to fix you?
I went to the bathroom between classes to take a shit and I just sat on the toilet laughing my ass of for no reason.
>>25025375
>talking to myself when I am alone
>feels like I am talking to someone
>more like a scenario that I am stuck in and forget about reality
>even turned asexual
I'm the anon you're replying to saying it sounds like I might have it. All those sound like me.
Pretty spooky. Sorry if I don't respond again, I have to go, but thank you for the heads up, I should look into this.
>>25025263
>>25025297
I can't translate that shit.
I was losing it a while ago. Now I've just accepted I'm somewhere between autistic and schoizoid and just drink myself to death. It seems like the comfiest method of suicide.
dissociation and multiple personalities
panic attacks
self harm
OCD
anxiety/depression/social anxiety all kind of goes without saying
>>25025401
No. I can't take anti-psychotics because of a strange family medical history. For example: sedatives had the opposite effect on my father. Also, my grandfather attempted suicide while on xanax. Thing is though, i'm basically a fully functional person regarding my job life and such. Minus a few laughing outbursts here and there. However, when it comes to family/friends/relationships is where it turns to shit. I feel like everything is a bunch of acting.
>>25025431
No prob anon, but don't get spooked. Also, try not to become too obsessed with your illness if you do find that you do have it. That makes it worse. Focus on improving yourself. AT least, that's what helped me.
>>25025545
I gotta get to sleep but if for some reason this thread is alive tomorrow i'll respond whenever I can.
>>25025463
>list of conditions which don't exist
im fucking losing it
i dont know whats wrong with me
i just told someone for the first time in my life about the multiple personalities, voices and hallucinations ive been experiencing for the last 6 years and it went fucking horribly
i regret saying anything and i realize it was a mistake now, never fucking again
my father now thinks that i am possessed by a demonic spirit and wont leave me the fuck alone. i know he's insane and a religious fanatic so i don't know what i expected. FUCK IM AN IDIOT.
>>25025441
"Mortem materno is an archetype which combines the life-force ([illeg.]) with the death-force ([Thanatos?]).
The result is a conflicting force of destruction, the mother of all violent revolution. The drive
is inward as outward, like the elegance of a beautiful [illeg.] or Bresson's Joan of Arc.
Mortem Materno has a spiral temporal field, all history bends to a point, the death. It's a sort of hyperbolic spiral in that the [...mplation] comes after the death. [...mplation unto [illeg.]. This [...mplation]..."
"Our righteous [illeg.] to die here amongst the [illeg.] has been absolved by our Ego. We are all as one kind, one spirit, unto which death has become merely a privelege. Our shadows are dragged behind us as pictures of what might be or what might have been. But we must integrate this shadow, we must form a [illeg.] image of self so we can be released and given the choice of death, a death which is accepted and permitted.
All too often we reflect our shadow upon others, and at the [illeg.] of the self. If we do not accept who we are becoming then suffering and [illeg.] [illeg.] only follow.
If we are not complete in one death, we will suffer and [undo?] the [gods?] helpless and aimless b/c [illeg.] accept our [illeg.] here and [illeg.] [illeg.] to the bitter end."
>>25025633
facking americans man lmao
>>25024973
I want to see those videos. please anon
>haven't showered in weeks or brushed my teeth
>barely eat, probably subsist on 500-1000 calories a day
>go on walks and talk to myself, somtimes I mutter angrily or act out conversations with other people, people are very scared of me and cross the street when i'm coming
>sometimes I'll see someone and just want to disembowel them and wear the intestines as a scarf
>laugh uncontrollably at gore, especially dead children and puppies
>go into random fits of rage and break things, the other day i smashed my mirror and there's cuts all down my arm now
>have panic attacks in public places sometimes and I'll start screeching and babbling incoherently
>tried to rape a girl but she got away because i'm emaciated
>played russian roulette with my grandpas handgun in front of the family at thanksgiving
>live in absolute squaller, there's roaches and ant trails in my room, and a massive colony of mold growing on my mattress
>>25025970
do everyone a favor and keep playing roulette please
>>25025970
>played russian roulette with my grandpas handgun in front of the family at thanksgiving
You'd probably be locked up if you had.
>>25026033
They were kind enough not to call the police. They know and understand i'm batshit because it goes back to my early teens. When I was 14 I was convinced I killed a girl and ate her in my sleep so I dug holes in the yard and picked apart my own shit to find evidence to prove it so I could turn myself in.
im like a month away from some bobby fischer shit
ive broken down in public once and i fear that im gonna keep heading in that direction
>>25025970
>>25026079
Jesus fucking christ, why the fuck are you not locked away or in a zoo?
>>25025970
You sound like an interesting person.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zmI-hGthrwA
I've had melt downs similar to this
>>25026079
Why the fuck didn't they keep the gun away from you?
You're an incident of natural selection waiting to happen.
>>25026209
He didn't know that I knew where he kept it. I had one of my episodes and wandered off saying I was going to the bathroom and got the gun, came back and screamed ITS TIME FOR THE ANON (last name) SHOW and proceeded to do it
>>25026255
Where do you live?
This is West Virginia-tier hillbilly shit.
>>25026255
Also post your room.
>can't sleep
>or sleep too much
>no in between
>feel constantly sad and hopeless
>want to die
>talk to myself
>talk to (voices?) in my headI try not to call them voices, as I don't necessarily hear them as though they're external sounds, but as though they're implanted thoughts or invasive personalities that aren't my own.
>can't escape thoughts of suicide or my brain telling me to do stupid things
>lose track of conversations and my own thoughts do to this
>this is almost every waking moment
>minor unlucky things often set me off (stubbing my toe, dropping things, doing poorly at games, missing the bus, etc. I'll often hit myself, burn a cigarette on my hand, or just get miserably upset to the point of crying)
>can't focus vision
>when feeling really sad, anything other than filtered water tastes absolutely abhorrent
>always seeing things
>start to see my face change shape if I look in the mirror too long
>always see shit out of the corner of my eye
>anxiety as soon as I think about leaving the house
>anxiety as soon as I dial a phone number
>wake up sweating with heart racing in the middle of the night, no idea why (this is still happening, even though it's winter and there's snow on the ground)
>get anxious any time I'm in a carI also have this theory that my life was affected by a time traveler about two years ago, and I'm currently trapped in the wrong timeline. But I'm trying to convince myself otherwise because it sounds pretty crazy, even to me. Still can't shake the feeling that I'm right. I have a face in my mind of who the time traveler might be, and though I recognize the face and can perfectly visualize her personality and facial expressions, I can't figure out who she is.
>>25026290
Well Im not a hillbilly, but they are. That happened in buttfuck Louisiana, I'd say thats worse than west virginia.
>>25024827
Lost it anon. The only thing that keeps me going are fantasies like my ex coming back and apologizing. How I become the dictator of a country. How I become mma world champ. A billionear. I giggle like a school girl thinking about all these things. My school nurse emails me sometimes asking me if I'm ok. She is so nice
>>25026323
>do to this
due to this*
fuck
>>25026326
Has no one in your family ever tried toforciblyget you help?
>>25026333
My university gives free healthcare so I went to talk to them. I was really feeling down and flipping out on random people which I still do sometimes. Told her how I want to kidnapp my gf and impregnate her so she will be with me forever. "That only works in movies anon". She is so nice
>>25024973
post videos
>>25026333
>school nurse
underage gtfo
>>25026378
>tfw no qt3.14 nurse gf
>>25025970
saved as lyingemobullshit.png
>>25026326
where at in louisiana anon? ive had to deal with this fucking state for 20 years now, finally might be able to leave soon after i almost cut my eye out
>>25024827
Me I haven't left my house in years senpai
>>25026178
damn what was his problem though? besides being fuckiing insane
>>25026497
Outside of Baton Rouge, you?
>>25026323
there's meds for schizophrenia
>>25026586
pix of room
>been talking to myself for years
>out loud
>start hearing voices and noise I know arent real but I can't distinguish whats what
i dont know what to do, but maybe ive delayed my suicide long enough
>>25026586
outside Lafayette now barely affording my own place, lived in baton rouge while i was failing attending college and alienating my family. i grew up aroundpierre part
>>25024973
>>25024939
This reminds me so much of myself it's kinda reassuring to know that there are others out there...
Im curious do you have any past history of drug use? I've definitely always been fucked in the head, crippling OCD tendencies for as early into my childhood I can remember
But around 2 years ago, I've always had issues with insomnia and I started self medicating with DPH (Benadryl) in higher doses it can make you hallucinate and I was always very sensitive to it to begin with (200-250mg was enough to give me full auditory hallucinations like hearing voices and fake radio stations as well as mild visual ones like seeing lots of bugs, weird wall patterns, flowing water, and the occasional shadow people ) I took between 150mg and 350mg every night for around 2 months. Everything seemed fine but then late this past summer I had a manic episode and saw a massive cockroach crawl across my mattress. I spent almost an hour looking for it trying to kill it before I finally came to terms with the fact that it wasn't real. a few weeks later I started regularly hallucinating bugs multiple times a day, and at its peak I hallucinated voices that sounded completely real to the point where I heard my roommate yelling for help down the hallway so I ran to his room and knocked on the door only to find that he was asleep the whole time.
I've found that the hallucinations occur mostly when I'm extremely stressed. They're extremely reminiscent of what I used to see and hear on DPH so it worries me that maybe I have schizophrenia or something. I'm no stranger to drug use and have done pretty much everything common other than meth and Coke (stimulants are not my thing in general, partially because I'm super sensitive to them and I tend to get extremely anxious and have mild hallucinations on th comedowns
Sorry for all the rambling I just really wanna know if anyone else here history of drug use especially if there's a story. Or is there something else that did it?
Can't look people in the eyes
Always nervous around people
Can barely remember stuff
Get pissed off at everything
Constant thought of suicide
Started self harming myself
Hate talking to people
Pretty sure I'm depressed and something else
Holy shit, I feel bad for you guys.
>>25026323
DUDE YOU ARE ME (except for that always seing things and face shape changing, and waking up sweating nigga that's some schizophrenia type shit) and that delusion too ehh no I think I'm still coherent and sane as far as I know, I'm still in reality but I do get really foggy brained and tired and shit to the point that it affects my health. That's a sure sign of mental illness yet still I do nothing about it hahah. And the voices in my head are always me imagining judgment or a certain person's input, it's not even crazy stuff it's just what I think they'd say or me mocking them I think some people would just do that sometimes. I'm not schizo >.<
>>25026927
Ricky you're a bitch
>>25026927
or them mocking me* I should say, a lot of the time they're my moral compass for me because I'm so cynical and sarcastic I'll just kinda think "I could fucking choke you you cunt" but my mom will be like "yeah and then go to jail and never enjoy freedom again you idiot robot" but not it's not even necessarily that person's voice unless I actively think of them, I have excellent control of my mind which is why I don't think I have schizophrenia. Does anyone know about schizoaffective, though? Are they kinda similar, hence the name or what? I think I'd believe I have that, it's symptoms match up with me a lot.
>tfw bipolar
>take mood stabilizers that are actually seizure meds
>shaky and tweaky all of the time
>can't think properly or remember anything
>getting progressively dumber
>ran out of meds and had issues with the doctors
>off the stuff for a week
>felt like I was levitating, my hands and feet were numb and vibrating
>forgot who I was several times
>cut myself like a fucking faggot and bawled my eyes out daily
>back on the meds, back to being a retard
Kill me.
I decided to change my life by pretending to be Roger from American Dad 24/7.
It's gotten to the point where I basically feel like I AM him and I don't feel like I'm acting.
The craziest part? My life has improved significantly.
>>25026979
Well Rodger is a funny drunk
>>25026927
how did you know?
my comment is original fucking robots
>>25026974
Bipolar here with delusions. When you have a mental illness your life is over. People on the outside don't realize how fucking bad it is. They just think "oh lol quirky voices and bad thoughts" but you live in a completely different reality where everything is hyper-meaningful and meaningless at the same time and the worst part is there's no real accurate way to communicate how terrible it is to exist. Death has to be better.
>>25025633
Take notes, robots.
NEVER open up to normies. Why in the fuck would you ever open yourself up to a normie? They can't understand any of this shit, and as usual they just use any new information you give them to screw you harder.
>>25026979
That's funny cause that's what Rodger does is plays different roles and you play him, meta .
>>25026955
>>25027002
oops this comment was directed at you woah I am crazy.
ADD MY SKYPE:
I'M GOING INSANE TOO
[email protected]
(I won't judge you)
>>25026724
Holy fucking shit, I thought I was the only one that did this sort of thing because most people think DPH is such a shit drug, which comparatively it is, but hell it's fucking cheap compared to other shit.
I took between 200mg and 300mg almost every night for 2 straight years to self medicate my insomnia. Never really did hallucinate except for bugs here and there, mistaking things for bugs , or getting basic shit like breathing walls and objects. Also when I would finally lay down for bed and close my eyes, I would get lightning flashes. I took it because I loved the body high it gave and the glorious sleep that followed.
Shit absolutely fucked me though
>HPPDhallucinogen persisting perception disorder, basically like being on acid 24/7/365
>have voices inside my head that I talk to with my own inner voice
>voices sometimes talk to each other
>sometimes the voices interrupt and take over my thoughts
>always talking out loud to myself, but as if I were talking to another person or a crowd of people
>like I actually think there's another person or audience there listening to what I have to say
>always see black shadow like figures that seem to follow and watch me
>think that aliens and these creatures are following watching me and want to kill me
>have to sleep with the light on and door locked because of this
>extremely paranoid
>diagnosed with schizophrenia because of this
I also have major depressive disorder with extreme suicidal tendenciesactually planning on killing myself next weekand panic disorder which is basically constant unprovoked panic attacks that make you afraid of having panic attacks and eventually evolves into severe agoraphobia. These 2 disorders are unrelated to my DPH abuse though.
>>25027112
Are you actually him? I could tell by the face you made. I'm the guy who we hung out with a few times and we needed up cuddling, I would've honestly fucked you that night.
Did anyone else find it really exciting when they first started having delusions or hallucinations? When it first started I thought I was being introduced to this glorious spiritual war against the demons and had all sorts of delusions of grandeur and weird adventures that were fun as fuck. Now my mind has just been completely brought down by the weight of those delusions and it's so hard to live in reality. If I could just go back...
>>25027145
Thank you very much for the reply. To be honest this confirms my suspicions even more. People always talk about the main issue with DPH being heart troubles. I wish I had never gotten into it. If I knew it was associated with long term cognitive impairment I never would have fucked with it.
I know exactly what you mean about the body high. That shit gets pretty mentally addictive especially when you get to the point where you can't sleep at night without it. Fuck I'm honestly so regretful about the time of my life where i used that shit. I got into weed my senior year of high school and have been a heavy poly substance addict on and off since a few months after that.
I just want to feel normal again I mean I've always been fucked in the head but all I want is to be able to return to a mental state where I didn't have to question the validity of my own perception on a daily basis. Fuck
>>25027216
Woah I'm a fucking god wtf I don't remember that, was I manic? quit talking to me I'm freaked out now who are you GET OUTTA MY HEAD
>>25027472
You like it fox. Ahaha
>>25026595
>>25026927
Do you guys think it would be schizophrenia, though? Could it just be really bad depression?
I've been attempting to get a therapist for the last several months, but I can never gather the courage to call them back, or find excuses not to.
>>25027459
Same here. The only reason I stopped was because one night I just had an epiphany and said, "What the fuck am I doing?" and stopped. Then I read about all the side effects of abuse, the heart problems and potential respiratory arrest really made me realize I could have died if I took one wrong step.
Then 2 weeks after I quit, shit started to fall apart and it was then that I learned about the long term damage it can do.
I wish I never even touched the stuff and every day I regret not going to a doctor for my insomnia. I just want to be normal again, for things to feel normal again. This life is just hell now.
>>25027580
idk it might turn into schizophrenia but if it's not full blown who knows what it is, could be like manic depression, etc. anything like that that makes you not who you really are or fucks with your mind, the symptoms are pretty similar but what caused it or how it's manifesting and coming on or what specific examples you have, idk for sure. Bipolar and borderline personality sound kinda similar too? I dunno dude best of luck
>>25027591
I have another question for you. Do you find yourself super sensitive to the side effects of DPH now?
I have constant HPPD even though I've taken DPH only maybe 3 times in the last 1.5 years. but it's just persistent visual snow and occasionally some colored shapes floating around my vision for a few seconds if I cough really hard.
But if I get really desperate and need DPH to sleep, if I take it I'll have such bad HPPD the next day that I can't focus on anything because the strength of the visual snow is so distracting.
One last question do you tend to have really bad night vision? My eyes take so long to adjust to the dark and even then my visual field is just constantly colored with colored static type flickering dots and the visual snow makes it near impossible to make out any details. I'm pretty much useless in the dark
>>25025689
this could be a journal entry you find in some survival horror game kek
I am 100% genuinely sexually turned on by cuckold porn, particularly racially charged and humiliation-heavy scenarios.
>>25025375
Talking to yourself is pretty normal and scenarios in your head is something imaginative people do all the time. The hallucination shit is what tells me youre schizo
my mother has schizophrenia, I've never taken drugs so haven't fucked my brain up but I still feel the paranoid symptoms. I may be one bad trip away from schizophrenia.
26yo virgin, although I have a job. Makes interpersonal relationships hard.
on prozac and valium
valium will kick in soon
then temporarily the suffering will stop
i'm starting to have little flashes in my vision
>>25024827
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqOsE8HRZJQ
>25 yr old virgin
>never leave house
>have panic attacks
>no good socializing or talking to people
>can't get anywhere with women
JUST
>>25028446
>25 yr old virgin
My nigger
>too old now for being shy to be forgiven
Kind of given up on the social side though
>>25026911
>pity
>on /r9k/
What the fuck
Tried meditation? It's scientifically proven to work, and -- provided you do it correctly and often enough -- helps with all kinds of difficulties.
>Have random psychosis flare ups
>Learning to control it better
Probaly not, but I am doubting how healthy my current coping mechanism is.
It works perfectly, though.
Now think what the future would be with a poor boy like me.
Dawn go away,
Please go away.
Although I know,
I want you to stay.
Dawn go away,
Please go away.
Go away back where you belong.
Girl we can't,
Change the places where we were born.
Before you say,
That you want me.
I want you to think,
What your family would say.
Think,
What your throwing away.
Now think what the future would be with a poor boy like me.
Me
>>25028446
exact same story here
>>25027831
I'm sorry, maybe I didn't say it correctly. The talking to myself and such is because of hallucinations. They just simply aren't seen or heard. Also, if someone is constantly talking to themselves every moment they are alone, I would say that is a little abnormal.
>becoming completely isolated from everyone around me
>starting to see people as just part of my fantasies
>no motivation to do anything
>thoughts are becoming very jumbled, almost like a word salad but making sense only to me
>vivid hallucinations of being pumped full of drugs and talking to people who disappear
>get this recurrent image of a black circle in my mind that gives me great anxiety because I think it represents my mortality and the void of death
>paint pictures on lined paper and tape them up all over my room
>read textbooks about psychology, consciousness, and religion
>study religious texts and I'm absolutely sure that there are messages written inside them meant only for me
>write frenzied pages in my journal about the soul, mythology, and death
>failing all my classes because I spend so much time reading all this shit
>feels like I'm on a deep religious journey, sometimes that I'm even a prophet here to ascend humanity to a higher plane of being
>>25028601
What do you do?ORINGAL COMMENTARY
is there a chatroom where equally messed up people can talk?
>>25030079
Here's some of my art. That's the circle I was talking about.
Stuff like this is all over my walls and I'm kind of embarrassed about it, I don't let any of my roommates enter my room.
>>25030240
I paint a lot in blood (the dot and line above the eyes) because I like the feeling of its sticky redness spreading across the paper. Sometimes I use spit, bile, or cum too. It feels like a part of me is in the art and that makes it a part of my consciousness.
I just moved from my country and I think I'm going insane, it started with me being depressed over having no friends, no family, and not being able to fully express myself with other people at work since I am not a native speaker. Then started drinking to ease my mind from bad thoughts and just black out on bed, and now starting to talk to myself just to see it goes, since you know, I'm alone at my house, there is no one watching it, might as well just try it out r-right? But the moment I noticed I actually fucking had an argument with myself was the moment I had lost it.
>>25028446
It seems like there is nothing left to hope for. Maybe that's right. Maybe not.
I wish there was a drug that would just take control of me and make me watch how my body would socialize. Like I want to be the spectator. Because as soon as it's me who is acting every chance of succsess is lost in seconds.
I do not know if it is normal or not, but since i was like 13 i kept feeling as if some one/thing was always with me, sometimes i "switch" my view and see myself in third person doing stuff its really weird.
I talk to myself either out loud or in my head.
When i was 13 or 14 i kept seeing Hitman (47) in the corners and shadows. I was legitimately accepting my faith- that i will die very soon because hitman obviously always kills his target.
It was similar "feel" thing, like i could feel that guy walking behind me or watching me and i just always walked ready for the final blow that would kill me
If you think Dean Ambrose is a lunatic right now, Kevin Owens will drive him completely insane when he's done with him
>>25030397
Dissociatives let you take on a third-person view of your life. They make it easier to socialize too, although you'll say some really crazy shit.
>tfw you get your benzo prescription and the crazy goes away
