I've started to feel a bit on edge the past few weeks and I don't know what to do
I'll give some backstory. Ever since 2010, I've had spells of going NEET and going back into education/employment. I would have extremely hopeless viewpoints of the world, feel out of touch with society and just wished to remain isolated. Then, at other times, I would be filled with so much energy and wanted to change things.
I used to be a 350+ pound NEET, but I managed to shed away most of the weight during the years of 2011 and early 2012 (185 pounds) That is an example of how far I went when I felt these boundless burst of energy. However, something always happens and I fall into a downward spiral that destroys my life.
I quit school, I quit work and I wish to retreat back into my own fantasy world. As, on the side, I write a lot and tend to get lost in worlds I create with my mind. It's a much nicer place and, when accompanied with intense exercise, this was alright for a time. I would video edit, manage a website, run for hours on ends across countless trails and I was content in my isolation. I had skype friends to keep me company, I had loads of writing to do, I had content to share, I had infinite music to lose myself in and everything was ok.
Yet, now at 22, I feel myself becoming -- scared. I've recently gotten an online girlfriend who is 18 and I've been feeling intense desires to want to improve myself for her. Currently, I feel I'm about to be fired, but I'm not too concerned about it because I seem to be a fairly adapt liar in shaking my bullshit to go from job to job. I've had around 5-8 jobs over the past year; all done through bullshit.
But, unlike the other times, I feel terrified because I feel I should become something more for my girlfriend. I used to be so very afraid of attaching my feelings to other for this reason; as I felt content on my own. Yet, with her, I want to keep pushing myself so that I can somehow make a life for the two of us and see her.
>>24953654
Which is somewhat scary to me and I don't even believe this is all attributed to her. I've tried many times in the past to change before, but that sense of dread, hopelessness and depression always drove me back. I do and still become so engrossed within it that I would not shower for months, interact with no one but myself and only leave the house just to exercise so I can not lose all sense of my mind.
I did all of this because I felt I would never find my place in the world, that I would never find love and that I just never belonged in this world and I wanted to die. I always imagined that I would find the gull to eventually to end my existence and that it was ok to go through that spiral because my life would come to an end anyway. Everything was pointless.
Yet, now, I'm feeling something terrifying in my chest that doesn't want me to give up and I want that feeling to go away almost. It wants me to keep pushing forward and I'm not sure what to do since I've been rapidly cycling in my mood.
It's gone through the motions of extreme happiness to where I get little sleep, everything feels golden and there is a sense I can defeat the world. Then there is intense melancholy to where I cry, I lose energy and I heavily have these urges to commit with my suicide plan of going out via shotgun.
And, over the past month, I've gotten more proactive in things as a result of the positive things. I've been studying to try and get into school, picking up new hobbies, increasing my exercise further and I'm about to secure a job that allows me to work from home at 25 dollars an hour for 15-20 hours a week.
But, these feelings still persists as I live at home, I do not have a drivers license, I don't have a GED, I feel as if I wasted too much time and I'm feeling a sense of regret and acceptance of my fate as it feels futile to resist; yet I know I've also been waiting for this moment of eruptive energy to change my life.
>>24953658
I just want these crushing feelings of melancholy, negativity, terror, anxiety and depression to cease. I wish it could just go back to the days when I first was a NEET. Everyday felt fun, everyday was filled with adventure and I had no worries about the future -- becuase I didn't have one.
Now I just feel nothing but dread, my spirit is bleeding out and I don't know who or what I am anymore. I found refuge for a long time in the online world because I constructed a false persona for myself, but even that isn't going to help me anymore.
I don't know what to do anymore, but I do. I've lived in a false reality for now and I feel like I can't hold on to it anymore. It is beginning to scare me greatly as I can't keep living this way forever. Eventually, I'm going to have to make a choice and I'm terrified because I feel that time is coming soon.
I just want an escape and I don't know how to get there. I think, if I found it, and I found that warmth of another, maybe I could make it out of this.
So, I suppose what I'm asking is: what the hell should I do? Does anyone have any light to show me?
I apologize if I went on a long tangent there, but I felt I needed to in order to get these thoughts in my head out and try to calm myself.
>>24953666
>what the hell should I do?
Stop portraying Flowey as a teenage humanoid girl.
>>24953658
Just keep going.
You are filled with
DETERMINATION!
>>24953695
I can't help it. It's too cute. I really like those images. But for you, Anon, I will stop.
>>24953714
I certainly feel a lot of that at the moment, anon.
>>24953654
>I've recently gotten an online girlfriend who is 18
Where did you find her?
This post was really healthy for you to make and I relate to you in a lot of ways. You need to see a therapist. That's what helped me. Also, every night before I go to bed I write a list of things I need to do the next day, and try to fill the list with as many things to make myself feel accomplished (even simple things like "cook pasta" or "clean my room"). This will help you feel more productive.
You need to take charge of your life. You seem to have a lot of emotional issues and I didn't see any mention of mental health. I think that could really help you. I think it's cute that you are trying to better yourself for your girlfriend.
Good luck OP
>>24954367
Oh also before I go to bed I write in a journal, listing what went right about the day, what went wrong, and what corrective actions I will take to minimize the chance of the negative aspects recurring in later days. It's helped me be a lot healthier and happier.
>>24953666
>>24953658
>>24953654
www.wordpress.com
Focus on creating something good in the world, helping people. Don't fixate on your mental health. The more you waste your time with videogames and subjective realities the easier it gets to fall into that state.
If you're writing, see if people are interested in reading what you're writing, if people get excited about your work. work on making it presentable, acceptable. be afraid but don't be paralyzed with terror. You'll need a professional opinion, such as from a tutor on craigslist.
Big picture-wise, Western society as we know it might be boned. But that's no reason not to go down with composure and dignity. You're facing the same moral conundrum as in the Grasshopper and the Ant, if you're like me. Only I'm shit-tier and might be becoming something obsolete entirely.
