What happened in your life that was so bad, /r9k/? What turned you into this? Was it one thing or was it everything? Do you think there's still time to fix it all, or is this how your life will always be?
Do you still have hope for a better tomorrow, or did that go away too?
>>24898266
all of my problems can be traced back to the fact that i was raised by a single mom and had no male role model until i was 12.
i feel like im slowly making myself a better life, but its a up hill battle for sure.
Shitty parenting.
My parents were very abusive and neglectful. My mom had some kind of mental disorder (probably bipolar and borderline) and she would feed us glass in our food to try to hurt us. We never ate because she would sit drunk on the couch all day and spend all our money on booze. My dad hid from the house all day, getting drunk in bars and cheating on my mom. One day my mom stabbed at me and my sister's door, Shining-style, for no reason. She was trying to kill us or something.
Now I have borderline and bipolar, the illnesses I suspect my mom has, so I hate myself because I see myself repeating her behavior and I do so many research chems and kratom and alcohol. I cut myself a lot because I'm so ashamed of who I am, and I get these dreams where my mom is inside of me. It feels like a part of her is in me, always there, stuck in my brain. It feels like one day I'll be the one trying to stab my children.
>>24898819
god damn senpai thats going to be hard to top
Why the FUCK did I click that spoiler?!
WHY
THE FUCK WHY NO FUCK
Oh and to answer the question: I don't really know and I'm trying to find out why so maybe I can move on. I think it started when my childhood crush started flirting with me like crazy right as we were graduating high school, and then after hanging out a lot for the next few months we argued so much and it lead to me telling her to burn in her fake hell. She was pretty religious and I had to edge it up a bit to win the argument.
5 years later and I've been suspended from college for low grades because I can't focus, been NEET for 2 years, and I just don't know where to go with my life and I have trouble committing to something.
FUCK YOU OP FUCKING HELL
>>24898867
I'm broke and ran out of cigs and drugs so this weekend is gonna be hell.
>>24898819
Man I love Kratom, it's really helped my mood. I wish more people would try it. It sounds like one of those bullshit "natural remedies" but it actually is really great.
I drink it in a water bottle and I think it makes my shits really huge. Probably because it's just a bunch of little ground up leaves but that's the only downside.
I have no goddamn idea. If I had to guess I'd say making friends with the wrong people in high school, and excessively playing video games in my teens.
>>24899036
Dude, chill! It's some artificial coating with holes in it on some dude's hand.
You can even see the lines of his real skin underneath.
>>24899063
Yeah I had a pretty bad habit where I was taking 30g a day but now I'm down to 10g. I got some coming in the mail this Saturday so I hope that'll help me a little bit.
>>24898266
Is this what it's like to be triggered? What in the fuck is that?
>>24899090
Actually now that I think more about it the excessive video games in my teens were a result of the people I was friends with. They never wanted to hang out or do anything IRL but were content to just stay indoors playing video games, so that's what I did aswel.
>>24899108
see this post here
>>24899094
I had literally everything in my disposal to go out and succeed in life.
I didn't take advantage of it and preferred to play video games instead. It once caught up to me and here I am, dejected, cynical, and void of meaning in life.
I have no idea, I've always been a sad, lazy piece of shit.
Things I assume added up to me turning into a mentally ill underachieving faggot:
>being bullied by older sibling
>being spanked a lot by my parents
>having no positive interactions with my mom or dad when I was at my most vulnerable during puberty
>being forced to play a sport I wasn't good at
>being sent to really tiny private schools
>being given antidepressants at ~13
>having a highly critical and negative father
>>24898266
Impressive image, OP. That rustled my jimmies a bit.
I was a shy, nerdy asian till 6th grade, until I found out how shit it is to be like that. I then tried to become a normie and ended up being friends with a bunch of edgy teenagers who played vidya all day. Now, no one likes me for God knows what reason and I lost interest in vidya completely.
>>24899095
tell me what this is pls
best way to use it and it's legal?..
>>24900603
It's a pretty mild opiate, can get you really high/nodding as long as you're not doing it every day. You can make a tea out of it or toss some under your tongue and swish it around with water/fruit juice (which is what I do). It's legal in most states, I think there are a couple that made it illegal.
>>24900586
If it's any consolation, that's just peanut butter.
>>24898819
is kratom legal? how to obtain this?
>>24898266
I'm sticking to the medical terms. The cause of schizoid personality disorder is unknown, I dunno how I got depressed or high anxiety. But they aren't curable so yes, I will always be this way.
My ONLY hope for a better tomorrow is if I make money from the computer, doing something on my own. I has the skills to make a sucky app to throw in the app store. I'm okayish with computers. That is my only hope, I can't live with being a wagekek.
>>24898266
Holy shit
I really wanna jerk off with a hand like that, just imagine the texture. I really wanna lick it and all it's holes.
How can I find a gf with hands like this robots?
>>24899108
You may have Trypophobia
>>24900631
what's the best method and place to buy? seems it's legal in my state
>>24898266
Its always been like this, but there was one absolute moment when I just gave up hope of it ever getting better.
>>24898266
so is it a shitty shop or acid burns?
>>24900701
Just order it with your card, it's completely legal and it's not in a legal grey area at all. Some places accept bitcoins though. You can get it at Herbal Salvation or Fresh-Kratom. Fresh-Kratom is usually out but they have the best prices.
No motivation, "geeky" hobbies and substance abuse.
>>24900724
or you're retarded
It's peanut butter
>>24898266
Im just a natural born fuck up. No one to blame but myself.
>>24898819
Lurking normie here, unlike some of the coddled, entitled pricks robots usually are here, you seem to have had legitimate awful times, I'm truly sorry to hear all that bro, hope things will look up for you one day.
Can I ask the "process" of the cutting thing though?
I mean I've heard of people doing so and went on a date once with a chick who was doing that apparently, but I don't really get people's thought processes doing that.
Like you're in psychological pain due to past trauma and present resentment at your way of being but how does hurting yourself physically help alleviate that?
Not shitposting, legitimately curious.
>>24900793
It releases endorphins and feels good in a weird painful way. I also just hate myself so it feels nice inflicting pain on myself and seeing the scars.
>>24898819
>so I hate myself because I see myself repeating her behavior
>It feels like one day I'll be the one trying to stab my children.
just don't have kids, and it's all fine
>>24900655
>>24900701
Buy it online. I've bought it from "Kraken Kratom" which is pretty cheap. You dose about a table spoon in a bottle of water, but you can play around with the dose too. Too much at once and I get kinda dizzy/lightheaded but it does away after an hour or so.
For me, the effects are mostly mood improvements. There are different kinds (green, yellow, red, white) and everyone seems to have a different preference. I'd probably recommend the green to most people but you could try whatever.
I was born the youngest in my family. The next child before me was 7 years older than me. My father was always an anti-social fruitloop, he hated his sons (there were 4 children in all, 2 boys, 2 girls). He treated his daughters like princesses regardless of what they did. When I was a toddler my eldest sister was caught giving a guy a blow job in front of my cot. I'm pretty sure my dad is sexually attracted to my sisters because I know for a fact if I did something like that then he would have cut my arms and legs off and left me on top of a fire ants nest in the bush. I was coerced by a neighbour boy when I was still a toddler to give up my virgin ass and to suck his cock.
My parents divorced when I was 3. I lived with my dad because my mum was an alcoholic pot smoking wreck who was always screaming and throwing shit around the house/at her kids. My dad works a contractor job so I ended up going to 11 different schools all up. My dad was always offensive towards me, when I was little he used to kiss and hug me but around 10 years old he just stopped (guess I was no longer cute). My dad took every opportunity growing up to belittle, humiliate, emasculate and undermine my confidence. He would do this in small ways, which if I tried to explain to someone they would think I'm looking into things too closely. Now I'm 23, live with dad and my only resolve is to get drunk, browse the net and watch netflix. I have no job, no friends, no gf, nothing really, story of my life.
>>24900742
>herbal salvation
Is it called kava kava on some?
>>24900887
thanks, appreciate the tip
>>24900836
I didn't know about the endorphin thing, thanks for sharing that.
I think I kind of see your reasoning, so when you're doing it you're aware of it being some kind of short-term beneficial action and see it as outweighing the negative long-term impacts of displaying cutting scars and nurturing a destructive psychological behavior?
>>24900931
You gotta search for "vein" and it'll have all the different kratom veins available. Reds are sedating, whites are energizing, and greens are flexible between the two. I usually get green.
>>24900932
Something like that. I hide all my scars, I wouldn't want anyone to see them.
>>24898266
how did this go unspoilered?
>>24900887
Another thing: Don't buy the prepared pills. The reason a lot of sites are low on stock is because the shipments keep getting stopped in customs. Kratom isn't illegal (not in every state) at least, but there's something fucky with the FDA regulations, and it's not "supposed" to be labelled as something you should eat.
Basically, all the packages you'll get will say "for use as incense" or "use as exfoliant" or something, but you do have to drink it or eat it to get the effects. The taste is a little bitter at first but the taste has actually grown on me.
If you do want it in pills, you can buy the capsules yourself and fill them up, but you need a good 5g or so of powder at once to feel anything, which means you need to swallow a shit ton of pills.
>>24900931
No, kava kava is a different herb. I've never tried kava but the people at the store I buy my kratom at say it's pretty good too.
Nothing went wrong which is a lot of the problem, never had to struggle a day in my life. Not having a male role model didn't help, my mum was too easy on me, I was never pushed to try.
My sister is like 5 years older than me and was constantly getting into trouble with drugs, running away, leaving to go live with my dad etc. I think it made my mum more hesitant to upset me and oversheltered me.
I was always pretty bad at communicating though, no family members ever really tried to talk to me which might have helped me improve, I was never really interested in the majority of things people do, always good at school but never challenged.
Ultimately it was many factors, divorce, bad parenting, naturally too tard in some ways, naturally too smart in some ways. So a lot was just how I was born and not being wise enough to improve (or being too lazy) but I think my family should have done a lot better even though they had the best intentions.
>>24901022
thanks a bunch
>>24900967
Thanks for the reply man, wish you well.
>>24899036
>>24899108
>>24899328
>>24900687
>>24900724
>>24900970
Its fake you fucking morons, this has to be the stupidest meme fear ever.
>>24901283
i was asking a question numbnuts
I'm cold by nature
People see this as a challenge and try to get close to me because of this.
But the issue is if I open up to them they just loose interest because the only good part about the relationship was me treating them like shit.
I lost countless friends/girls/hopes because of that and now I'm tired of trying.
>>24898266
bullies are poor working class parents
severe irritable bowel syndrome
>>24898266
When i went to live with my grandfather. His wife left him alone at 65 so it was either come live with him in his nice ass house or send him to a home. Was a fucked up ultimatum. I ended up leaving all my frie ds(and love interests)(and friends that became love interests, no homo) behind and got sent to a ghetto school that was absolute shit. I failed all my classes for 2 years. i ended up dropping out of 8th grade thinking it was better than being 16 in middleschool. Being that im a lolicon that decision pisses my dick off now, but it seemed great at the time. After that i started playing WoW and full neeting, doing nothing but gaming and sleeping. Tbh though i would have done that reguardless, but i had no forced socialization like usual. Im not even sure if id want to go back and change it, my online friends are like my life now i couldnt imagine them not existing. And on top of that ive learned so much about computing and engineering just being left alone. Not to mention i play 3 instruments now. Fuck i really want to regret it but i just, cant.
>>24898266
fak u
>>24901316
I get you. I'm in a similar boat. I'm the way I am because I'm a frigid, bitchy person with a hair trigger and serious aggression issues. People try to be nice to me, I'm a good person, but it is only a matter of time before I drive them off and leave them feeling disheartened. Now I've just learned to accept that it is better for everyone if I just keep to myself.
When I was 4 I was pulled away from my hometown for the first time.
I would move 18 more times after that all while being raised be a single mother, my dad is a complete shitter who might as well be a crack head stranger my brother is in jail, my sister dates niggers and I've hated myself for as long as I can remember.
You guys tell me, did I ever really have a chance to be... normal?
>>24901494
>Being that im a lolicon
Loli is art, pedophile is the word you're looking for. It might be applicable if you were a nip, but just be clear and call yourself a pedophile.
>>24899176
same.
I have everything, always have. I'm just too pathetic to take advantage. Here I am at the ripe age of 19 with no desire to prove my existence. I just drain the life of everyone around me, making them think it's their fault. Gotta keep going though, because offing myself would be worse for everyone right?
>>24901839
>posting on nippon site
>not knowing a nippon term for pedophile
>>24901839
Look motherfucker, i used to fap over my sleeping 11yo sister and cum in her hair. I sucked her friends flat chest till i heard her first moans. I spread their pussies and took closeup pics for later.
Does that make me a pedophile? Idk. Probably. Idgaf.
>>24902151
>In the next exciting episode of "Things that never happened"...
>>24902246
Little girls arent very cautious when they sleep man, youd have to be trying to wake them up to do it most of the time. Puberty hits and they sleep light as fuck all the sudden. Go ahead and try it its easy to prove
