Again and again
>>24868855
I have some serious bouts of depression during a week and in those times, I take everything personally. I read a blog about some woman experiencing all sorts of harrassment from guys and all I could picture was me and how I make people uncomfortable. It reminded me of why I keep to myself...I just don't want to ruin someones day...
>>24868907
How would you ruin someone's day? You don't go out of your way to harass people, do you?
Bump for great threads always
>Lead on by another girl, legitimately
>Let down for 4th time this year
>Expect and prepare for short bout with depression
>Whole week has basically been alternating days between absolute existential hopelessness and days of a relieving lack of fucks.
>Mfw I broke my musical equipment so I have no outlet
>I'm so horny but I'm still KV and spill my spaghetti with every girl i like
>Application rejected by job
>Don't have to money for anything I want, including clothes, vidya, snacks, ect ect
>Regressed into watching anime and playing lol again
>Beginning to hate reality and wishing I was an anime main character again
>Still somehow feel some kind of superiority and inferiority at the same time with other people
>My future is to be alone, poor, and sad. Not as if having the american dream with satisfy me anyways. No kids, no wife, no wageslaving, no mortgage pls
>The rollercoaster never ends
>>24868927
No, but I know if I went to a club and tries to talk to people, I'd coms across as a creep,I also feel like any interaction wouldn't be genuine and they only speak to me out of some sort of obligation, like Im some dangerous guy who would snap if I don't get a response. I feel like the kind of person literally no one wants to deal with and I have difficulty trusting anyone.
>>24869010
How did you break your music equipment? Also its not really regressing to watch anime or play league. And really the only thing you can do is to keep applying, the job market sucks right now. And hwo did this girl lead you on?
>>24869042
I mean in clubs people are there to talk/meet other people, its not like you're trying to get someones number while they're working or anything.
Why do you have difficulty trusting people?
I hallucinate a lot (diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder). Sometimes I enjoy the hallucinations, they're of me walking down a beach or talking to someone I like. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just fantasy prone, the hallucinations usually come from thinking about something until it becomes vivid enough to see and I can feel it in all my senses. I'm on Abilify but it doesn't do very much.
>>24869130
Damn, that sounds rough. Glad its not all terrible all the time. Maybe switch meds? How long have you been on them?
>>24869130
use that imagination mah nigga
>>24869147
I've only been on it for a month. I tried Risperdal but it's way too sedative. Abilify is the least sedative anti-psych, so I like it a lot. Calms my moods at least.
>>24869180
Might take a bit longer than that. Keep taking it and see where it gets you in another month or so
>>24869082
A mic fell off it's stand, even though I thought it was tight. The mic was fine but a wire broke. I orderred a replacement like a week and a half ago and it never came.
I think it's regression because I begin hating reality when I use escapes like anime and league, I find myself fantasizing about the next episode or strategy in class when i should be paying attention to the lecture. Still do my work, at least.
I don't want to apply anymore desu, my applications are such shit no matter how often i do them.
She flirted with me a few times, but I can't blame her. I'm physically fit and attractive, but I sperg out when I like a girl, so I just said awkward shit and started ignoring her.
>>24869130
This sounds badass. I've always had a crapton of daydreams, especially as a kid. I remember my teachers getting pissed at me so often for it, eventually it turned to dreamless sleeping though. What is the problem with this? Does it effect day-to-day things? Can you not be awoken?
>>24869042
I've had a similar feeling to this. However, I find people enjoy my company only when I don't care if they like me or not and I act like it. Try that? I'm not sure how you'd go about getting into that mindset.
>>24869259
Get your money refunded.
I can see the distracting thing happening, it happens to me.
Also "sperg out" in what sense?
>>24869302
It still says it's shipping. I'm going to wait a few more days then do something about it.
Kind of sucks when people are talking to you and you're basically disinterested because you think irl sucks and that includes then and you just want to go home and watch the next episode
By "sperg out" I just lose all semblance of the personality that attracted the girl and become extremely awkward. Basic spaghetti spilling. Then I begin ignoring and fleeing from them.
Held back two years, traveled from a shithole war torn country to a worse non-war-torn place in the middle of nowhere. Four years i've been here. Never been sociable, i still dont speak the local language, even though im "studying" here.
They let me pass out of courtesy and the image of the "quiet thinker" that i established by staring at books, while really i was half-reading, goading about how i cannot change my IQ, or restore the neural flexibility i had as a kid. I want to be a painter but i am so paranoid about facing the possibility of being average that i have utterly lost all drive. Im sick of this place, but i am too scared of dying. Spit on and walked over my entire life. When i write i feel like im entering a plenum, i can never communicate what is wrong with me.
>still want to kill self
>know i shouldnt
>>24869427
This makes my problems look like nothing.
I hope you find your way out. Maybe a physical move when studying is done will result in a non-physical change?
>tfw antidepressants are actually working fairly well
I even managed to watch some new anime and read some manga for the first time in months.
As for mood, I'm not constantly hating myself and feeling down all the time.
>>24869413
How long have you been doing that for? And would practice make it better?
>>24869427
Damn, that sounds pretty terrible anon. Where are you if you don't mind me asking? And you should never be afraid of being average, if its the worst you do you still did pretty good. And can you leave that place?
>>24869453
The eternal struggle
>>24869476
i tried 2 different kind of SSRIs. One didnt do anything and the next one made my dick stop working and i started hearing voices.
So schizo people, is it like being on psychedelic drugs? I've done acid and every time I've imagined that it's probably what being schizo is like in some ways.
>>24868855
Trying to be objective, I'd say MDD has led to me to having 2 parasuicide events, 1 serious unmeditated attempt at suicide and 1 serious mediated suicide attempt that I'm still mulling over and deciding whether it had merit. I'm currently erring on the side that suicide is probably an acceptable solution. My experience with it in social sense is generally awful. I've approached it with some people, though never fully revealed it except to a select few, and there is a kind of fetishization that I don't like about it. The problem is not that I feel stigmatised. I feel very little when people use supposed ableist language. The problem is that overbearing response, cliches and other such nonsense that comes out. The sudden obligated 'caring' response really makes me feel ill. The major negative effects seem to come from the way it leads to my own self-isolation, especially when coupled with anxiety. I've had problems with close relatives not believing me and just thinking I'm lazy as opposed to withdrawn, which is difficult because I am legitimately lazy MDD just makes me even more lethargic. This has certainly been difficult. It's been most difficult however when it comes to education and schooling. Well, it's here I think the effects can be felt and seen the most. I ended up repeating a year at 6th form after going a bit off the wall due to my depression. I never really fully recovered and the year I finished 6th form. I faked fainting and avoided going into school because of how much it terrified me. I also began to drink heavily. When I managed to work up the courage to go college, I'd bring bottles filled with alcohol in order to get me through the days
>>24869546
. I ended up doing silly things such as to close my eyes and walk across busy roads just to see what would happen. I eventually got past the pretense and purposfully jumped in front of a car. It's surprisingly funny in retrospect. I remember I recieved very little damage and then I rushed off to a nearby KFC where I bought some food and cried into the bushes near a canal. Tear filled gravy and chicken is surprisingly tasty. I did the majority of my exams drunk but somehow managed to do well enough to get to Uni.
I ended up repeating a year at university also as I refused to leave my room for 6 months except to go the toilet and collect food from a nearby 24/7 Tescos late at night. It was around this time I first got properly in contact with the NHS.
The NHS was actually quite helpful when I was university dealing with these things, especially when I suicidal. I had a dedicated crisis team that would come to my apartment to make sure I took my medication and didn't kill myself etc etc. Things got way worse once I returned home, The NHS in my hometown were awful and I would have strangers come to my parent's house everyday each one quizzing me all over again and I'd have to explain myself anew. They frustrated me. They spoke in cliches.
I still wish I was dead. I think I'm probs going to get an exit bag together so I can drunk one night and have a proper go at killing myself when I'm confident enough
>>24869535
Some schizos report like "super senses" that let them hear conversations dozens of feet away or smell things in the other room. I think psychs gives you the same kind of super senses. For me though, it's more like dissociatives, there's no awareness of what's going on and the mind is really foggy during psychosis and it feels like you're in another land.
>>24869481
Sperging on women? I've been doing it since middle-school, in uni now.
Practice doesn't really work. I've had numerous first dates, and one girlfriend for two months, who broke up with me because of my insecurity in the relationship.
I've noticed at work ive been so unstimulated lately that I'm literally struggling not to fall asleep with apathy.
I have these blips you see. Where I close my eyes for a moment and I'm suddenly seeing some weird imagery or sound in my head. Then I snap back into focus for a minute or two.
>>24869618
That's sort of what happens to me on the drugs. Every little sense is amplified up to the same high level. Something like the sound of a door closing in the opposite end of the house has the same effect as the door in the same room.
>>24869476
Whatcha on? And thats good! Mine have been helping me more than expected
>>24869546
>>24869569
Wow, those are some pretty serious events. A lot to take in to be honest. So the crisis team not in your hometown was a good thing? Do you think you would feel "better" if you had them again, instead of the shitty ones at your house?
>>24869655
Hmm, okay. Does all of this come from your insecurity?
>>24869684
Where do you work? Can you find something more stimulating?
>>24869481
In one of the decaying folds of Bulgaria.My entire life has been about being poetic and tasteful, as opposed to my barbarous Arabic peers. Being a cut above everyone. If i am assured i am average in what i love most, my last defense line will be taken down. From then on out its a steady and apathetic decline towards death.
>>24869712
>Wow, those are some pretty serious events. A lot to take in to be honest. So the crisis team not in your hometown was a good thing? Do you think you would feel "better" if you had them again, instead of the shitty ones at your house?
I don't know, that was a year ago. The crisis team no longer contact me because I'm not considered a serious enough threat to myself or others. This is a correct assessment. I was pretty much normal for a period of around 6 months until now. I just feel like I'm in this cycle of depression that never ends. I have normal periods, which are alright but not great, followed by periods of deep depression. Life doesn't seem worth it with this cycle in place.
>>24869712
I have no idea. It's just happened so many times that it just becomes worse every time I do it. I suppose it is totally insecurity, though I don't really hold a lot of insecurity with people I do not like romantically. People like to say I'm clever/charming/funny and all those chad things. Ultimately I am alone because I would never open up to anyone, as that would destroy the facade and they would no longer like me.
It all just melts away when I like a girl, though. If I'm with them, I'm basically just constantly thinking "DONT FUCK THIS ONE UP BUDDY" and basically go silent with fear.
Well... I have so much due tomorrow that won't be done. It's both liberating and depressing, and I fear that I will not pass. I'm just so tired.
>objectively the best week I've had in months
>it's only the best because it isn't absolute garbage
>starting to get sick
fuck my fucking life
>>24869942
>feel like trash all the time
>desperately awaiting winter break
>Imagining the orgasmic anti-social behavior, gluttony, and endulgement of addiction that will come
>the inevitable sadness of returning
>>24869770
I suppose you could come to the US, I swear its not all bigoted against Arabs. Although maybe I'm just biased, and don't notice much of it due to me being white.
And isn't not doing something worse than being average at it? Although I can see what you mean
>>24869791
I've been in those cycles as well. I'm not sure how to break it. I just dont know
>>24869887
I guess you have to learn how to let go. Which is shit advice.
Why do you have problems opening up to people
>>24869916
same senpai another paper is going to be late wew lad
>>24869942
What makes a week absolute garbage for you?
>>24869981
opposite for me.
>tell myself I'm only antisocial because I haven't been given a chance
>when I do have a chance I just don't conect with people
>feel like I'm not meant for this world
kill me
>>24870031
>when I do have a chance I just don't connect with people
Same, when I don't have a chance, I feel like I want one, but then the moment I get a chance I come up with a million different reasons why it'd either fail, be horrible, or just lose the desire for that chance. Then I just ignore the opportunity/destroy my chances and restart the cycle.why do we ruin our own opportunities?
Laid in bed until 6am before I find ally fell asleep. Falling asleep isn't normally an issue for me. But I only ended up getting about 6 hours of sleep. Been a shit day and I just woke from a nap. I shouldn't of played life is strange. Made me depressed and anxious.
>>24869130
anyone have that story where anon repeatedly hallucinates a girl with black hair who kidnaps him, makes him hurt people etc?
>>24870015
There is no more late as of tomorrow. Tomorrow at the start of class is the end of days. Missing out on 300 points or more.
>>24870122
Maybe I'll wait to play that game till I'm in a better state of mind then. Hope you feel better anon
Woke up at 11 AM. Felt tired.
"I'll just close my eyes for a little and get out of bed in 10 minutes."
> Wake up at 4 PM
>>24870015
I can't let go.
I don't know. I don't see a reason to open up to anyone. I think I'm a pretty surface person and I am definately not deep, but if I told them I was a depressed KV who hates himself and wants to be a famous musician, they would stop liking me, garunteed. I don't think I'm interesting enough to warrant digging, and I sure as hell don't think they're interesting enough to warrant digging into either.
>>24870031
I've been given a lot of chances. I guess I just don't want to connect with people, it just seems exhaughsting. I exist for short, gratifying social experiences, and prefer not to hang around with people/at a party for more than maybe 2 hours at most.
I don't think I'm meant for this world either.
Anyone else have nights where they can't sleep for hours and just lie there? I'm worried it's going to happen again tonight.
>>24870155
Thanks for the reply. I just get affected by emotional things easily. But I don't normally feel many strong emotions otherwise. Probably because of Lexapro.
>>24869453
I'm in this limbo. Reckon I'll decide on new year's day whether 2016's worth seeing all the way through
>>24870180
On second thought, I fit in a weird way. Kind of a come-and-go clown type. As long as I act like myself and understand I'm kind of a strange fuck people like me, but it's obvious they get tired of it quick when I'm discovered to be kind of a judgemental prick.
>>24870177
Man, you must have been really tired
>>24870180
Noone is really that deep, the fact that you have some semblance of intelligence in your posting already puts you above over half of the population
>>24870244
Yeah I tend to avoid shit like that. I had to fight back with everything to prevent myself from crying at the Undertale ending
>>24870256
i keep putting it off t see how things work out
Hi skelly
Life's boring, I'm bored
>no desire to live
>do nothing but play csgo all day
>valve fucked up the patch
>got tilted
>cried
The fucking only thing I'm not complete shit at and Valve decided to ruin it. Fuck this.
>>24870177
>sleep schedule is fucked beyond belief
>go to sleep at 6 am
>wake up at 6 pm
>eat one meal a day at 7 pm
>started feeling pretty sick lately
>don't even care
>>24870390
Same senpai. Life is boring to the max
>>24870423
:(
I'm sorry that upset you so much. It was a dumb patch, and I haven't even played CSGO in a year or so.
Do you play any other games?
>>24870580
>Do you play any other games?
I played Fallout 4 for a few hours but that got boring soon after the main mission. Other than CS:GO there isn't really much that interests me or makes me not feel like I'm wasting time.
Going through stim withdrawal right now and I have a cold on top of that. Tried smoking weed cuz a buddy told me it would help but it only made me feel worse. I don't feel like doing shit but I have to write a goddamn paper. Miserable as fuck right now famfam.
I let another person I don't even know insult me. I dunno why I let these get to me.
>computer's busted
>finally sank into a deep depression, no energy to attend exams or finish work
>parents and therapist begged me to talk to someone at the school about withdrawing for this semester
>don't even care anymore, probably going to get all Fs
>browsing the Web and playing music to prevent my mind from turning to suicide
>feel more numb and hollow than I've ever felt in my life
>>24870640
I know that feel fampai. I was prescribed stims but I had to come off of them because of an inherited heart condition. I didn't even want to get out of bed for a month. And now I'm failing out of college.
But dude, hope you get over it soon.
>>24870618
Hm. Nothing else interests you? Although i'm sort of the same way, I pretty much only play the Binding of Isaac anymore.
>>24870640
:(
Hope you feel better
>>24870664
Sometimes stuff like that just gets to us.
>>24870677
So did you not withdraw? Can your parents medically withdraw you themselves?
And when did this start?
How do you stir a soul slowed by inertia
How do you reignite the life that has no kindling
We haved reached the appex of existence with no turning back.
>>24870708
I played the Binding of Isaac Rebirth a lot when it came out but I got disappointed and bored whenever I didn't get a good run. I did start playing XCOM again to have a bit of fun outside of CSGO and I might consider streaming on Twitch but I have no motivation to do anything.
>Finally find something I'm good at that I enjoy
>Basically the only thing that gave life meaning
>Have to stop because of injury
I'm going crazy. Life is so shit.
>>24870765
No idea, but life goes on
>>24870768
I go for completionist, and now that there are daily runs I can at least enjoy it once a day. And yeah streaming can be a lot of fun, I used to speedrun before I ran out of will to live
>>24870772
Whats the thing? And How long do you have to stop?
Thinking about doing nofap, but I tried november and only got 4 days in before I gave up. It literally destroyed any other thoughts in my mind besides "FUCK FUCK FUCK" and was a total nightmare.
Does it really reset dopamine, help with depression, anxiety, ect, or is that all bullshit? How long do I have to do it? I'm asking here because I hardly believe all the ledditors and shit.
I can almost garuntee I will not be having sex for a long time(maybe ever) so I fear extreme sexual fustration.
>>24870838
I did a nearly 3 month nofap about a year or two ago and it didn't really change anything for me. Unless you're masturbating several times a day there isn't really a point imo.
>>24870814
Running and I'm not sure. It may just be a few more days. Apparently running withdrawal is a thing though so a few days after I had to stop due to injury I started having severe anxiety and lethargy, I constantly feel on the verge of passing out.
>>24870879
I masturbate like 3 times a day.
>>24870708
I have to go to the dean's office to withdraw, and I can't bring myself to do that. My parents can request a forced medical leave with a doctor's note, I think. This started about two weeks before Thanksgiving.
>haven't been to class since thanksgiving break
>orgo 2 final in 5 days, failed last test (54) and have not started studying yet
>can't see crazy doctor to get back on meds until after semester is over
>no weed or booze left
>acne worse than ever despite trip to dermatologist
just fuck my life up tbqh
>>24870838
I think its really the porn thing that people are concerned about or something. I'd try it but its near impossible on the meds so I'm not gunna try
>>24870900
Yeah atheletes get super depressed when they can't do their sport anymore. Its pretty common
>>24871002
Man, maybe withdraw for the semester and try again?
Anyone here ever take accutane? A dermatologist suggested it to me but one of the criteria for reasons they couldn't give it to me was depression. Does it fuck with depression or bipolar disorder?
>>24871067
It often makes people want to kill themselves like crazy. Sometimes it can fuck up your insides. My mom took it ages ago but she turned out fine.
>>24871041
It's too late/not enough credits to withdraw.
This semester is going to tank my GPA p badly and I've just kind of accepted it although realistically if I worked my ass off instead of just being a depressed piece of shit all day I could do ok.
At this point I just need to make it through and get back on meds, I'm fairly non-functional
>>24871067
It's associated with the onset of severe depression in individuals that are predisposed, iirc
>>24871185
I mean technically if we were all not depressed then yeah we could make it. And yeah get back on meds if it helps
>csgo the only thing im good at
>recent update changes that
>suddenly become severely depressed
a videogame where i kill people is the only string of sanity i have i guess, a videogame is the only thing that brings me happiness for a couple of hours everyday...
>>24871473
You are not the only one, look up.
Do you play other games?
>>24871481
no, nothing makes me happier than csgo. it actually helps me get rid of anger i guess. im just not good at anything else
>>24871520
I mean being good at something takes practice. Hopefully the fix the game
>was pretty sure I was cured and onto the good times
>came off the SSRIs
>still feeling normal
>felt like leaving my house after an air raid
>expecting the void around every corner
>have bad days every now and again, mainly okay
>more bad days
>mostly bad days
>ohshitnigga.png
it crept back up so slowly I didn't realise I was back to feeling like shit every day until I realised I hadn't got any clean clothes left because I hadn't washed any in a month. I had a beard again. I couldn't remembered when I'd last showered.
Not really sure how I got out of this hole last time.
>>24871989
Get back on your SSRI's. Itll help
>>24872028
They had their own problems. No sex drive, inability to put sentences together properly, couldn't get more than a few pages into a book without giving up.
I'm stuck between two equally unattractive prospects.
>>24872217
Hmm. What were you on?
>>24872228
40mg Fluoxetine, the pussiest of all the SSRIs.
>>24872258
Switch if it doesnt work optimally for you
>>24868855
Again and Again
Another day on the planet spinning
Another week of never winning
Another month of constant sinning
Another season, depression pinning
Another year: my life, soon shall be ending
Again and again
Who /boredeasily/ here? It seems to be a running theme in my life that once I've experienced what I consider to be "the best" of something, I'll lose pretty much all interest in that thing. Like if I listen to one amazing folk album, I'll never listen to folk again because I've already experienced what I consider the best one. Same reason I think I don't really care about having friendships now - the best friends I could ever have had left my life long ago.
>>24872258
get your doctor to try something else you haven't tried yet. even related medications will affect a person differently.
I've been on 3 different anti-depressants this year. currently giving Paxil a go. not sure how I like it.
>tfw procrastinated on therapy assignments
Who wants to help me write 200 words each on what Life and Death are?
>>24872343
I have FOMO so I go from thing to thing and back again constantly.
>>24872336
It just goes on
>>24872343
Me, jesus christ me. I have to do stuff or else I go crazy, but I odnt even lik edoing things
>>24872506
Did your therapist give you that assignment?
>>24872424
they all do the exact same thing. look it up on Wikipedia and pay attention to the receptors they bind to. they're all the same. the SSRI rollercoaster doctors put you on is a scam to get you to buy more medication. drugs like benzos, tricyclics, MAOIs, NDRIs, and NMDA-antagonists are far more effective than any SSRI.
There is no fight left in this dog.
>>24872533
That and they want me to write down my life's story. I don't want to. It's really boring and doesn't explain anything.
>>24872533
It just goes on
Not unlike an endless lawn,
a green shimmer meeting each dawn
Maybe more so akin to the tempest at sea,
a trepid bout of storm reaching forever beyond me
Perhaps just resembling the shallow breath of a heaving man, soon to expire as you hold his hand
It just goes on
>>24868907
>>24868927
>>24869042
>>24869082
I'm pretty much the same way except I don't really go out of my way to meet new people. I don't want to ruin someone's day. But it's more than just that to me. I don't want to contribute to their unhappiness. I don't want them to feel like I feel so often.
And yeah yeah I know it's pretty baww but I'm going through this with a girl right now. She likes to say she forced herself into my life (she's adorable like that). Being as introvertive as I am, I don't go out of my way to make new friends. But I really admire her for what she did. She took the time to get to know and accept me for no reason other than the fact that she wanted to.
God dammit, I love her. She has told me she loves me too, but I know it's not in the same way. She's obsessed with some dickhead and keeps trying to resuscitate their relationship that has been in shambles for months. I'm trying to be the best friend I can and I've been telling her to just let it go but she won't. It hurts. I tell her exactly what I think about the matter but I just end up upsetting her and I hate myself for it.
I've been trying in so many ways to show her that she's special to me but I keep fucking up. It makes an entire week for me when she says how happy I make her or how much she enjoys my company. I would be okay with just that if she would stop letting herself be unhappy because of something so stupid because then I wouldn't feel the need to tell her how stupid I think it is and end up making her mad.
>>24872654
:(
Whats wrong anon
>>24872675
Hm. I'd rather talk about it in real life than write about it
>>24872700
Do you write a lot of these? I enjoy them
>>24872768
I know that feeling, I've been in the same situation. Guy I like a lot is still painfully in love with his ex. It sucks hard.
And you can either keep being with/there for her or can just leave, which is very hard. People can only get over other people on their own, as hard as that is
Also you dont ruin peoples days, why would you?
>>24872843
I'm just done, I actually got a job yesterday and things are looking up for me all around but i just cant be bothered with anything anymore, I only took the job because it was thrown at me.
This is how i know I'm truly done living.
>>24872843
Only sometimes
>>24872843
I can very easily ruin someone's day. I'm an asshole. I don't mean to be. It's just the way I am. Words don't have the same meaning to me as they do to other people.
While "faggot" might be the worst possible thing you can say to some, to me it's like a term of endearment. (Not just because of 4chan either, I've always done that). I called a guy a faggot in a completely non serious way a couple weeks ago and he threw a fit. Apparently his family gives him shit about being feminine all the time but that's not even why I called him that. It stirred up a whole bunch of fuss and got me into quite a bit of trouble.
As for the girl, she was behind me for the whole thing. She openly defended me and was upset by how people immediately villainize me. Because she took the time to get to know me and she doesn't think I'm bad at all. She knows I don't intend to cause harm in any way. I hate to come across as the "nobody understands me" guy, but people take my entire being the wrong way. It's like I'm speaking a different language to these people.
I don't want to walk out on her. I feel like I need her to be in my life somehow. Even if it's just as a friend. I feel like I need that common ground. She's one of the only people I know that come close to understanding how my life is on a day to day basis. Yeah I have guy friends that I talk to about struggles but they're more of the type to laugh it off with, which is great in its own right, but the intimate sympathy is something I feel otherwise deprived of.
It fucking tears me apart inside when that dickhead ruins her day for the whatever millionth time and she comes to me and says something like "no one loves me". I want to tell her so badly but I know I have to stay within my boundaries at least until I know for sure that it's over with them. I can't just walk out on her. It's not fair to her. She says she enjoys talking to me and hanging out with me and just me in general.
>>24872894
Why cant you be bothered?
>>24873186
Just have to watch your words around people you dont know. I'd be pretty pissed if someone called me a fag in real life, as I do actually get shit from my family and was forced back into closet. And apologise when people do take offence and you didn't mean to give it out. Its not hard and people usually accept it.
Also you might just want to tell her. Even if shes not completely over her ex bf.
>>24872905
Do you put them anywhere?
>>24873309
Here, and I save them on my pc
>>24873186
cont'd
She always tries to turn it around when I'm feeling sorry for myself. She reminds me how much I'm worth to her. I've never had such a strong desire to just hold someone in my arms before. What hurts even more is that it's probably okay to do that for like a couple seconds at this point, but I don't know where she stands on it.
I gave her a gift for her birthday last month and I was so afraid that she would find it weird. The relief hit me like a train when she said how much she liked it.
What I hate most right now is myself. She keeps talking about that guy and how apparently he's afraid to be in a relationship with her because she cheated on him the first time.
>tfw she has a history of cheating
I persist to tell her that trying to revive it is just a waste of time and forcing it is just going to make it worse but she won't have it. She's too desperate. She feels like she won't be able to feel about anyone else as she does for him. I can tell he just likes the control but she won't listen to reason. We had that discussion today and she hasn't responded to the last thing I said. I feel like I just made her mad and she's ignoring me. This has happened before. I just give her a day off of dealing with me when it happens. I don't want to make things worse.
>>24869130
I wish I could hallucinate like that.
>>24873359
Cool Cool
>>24873433
Just curious, how old is she?
>>24873186
>but I know I have to stay within my boundaries at least until I know for sure that it's over with them.
If you keep waiting you'll never get a chance.
>>tfw she has a history of cheating
>she won't be able to feel about anyone else as she does for him.
Maybe you should keep her as a friend and meet other girls, yeah?
>>24868855
Fucking retards, get laid and your outlook on life will be 110% better
>>24873507
Withholding specifics. She's two years younger than I am.
On another note, if she asks, I will tell her exactly how I feel. I can't lie to her. I would hope something like that would give me a chance. Sometimes I feel as though I keep missing obvious signs from her. I'm really bad at picking up on stuff like that. She used to actually flirt with me when we first met and I'm kicking my self in the ass to this day for not returning something.
>>24873517
Thats pretty hard when you're head over heels for someone
>>24873526
I've had sex with multiple people of both genders and I'm still depressed. It doesn't work like that nerd
>>24873559
Just tell her then. Honestly you're probably just hurting yourself more by doing this than by asking her.
>>24873517
>If you keep waiting you'll never get a chance.
But the worst thing I've ever done to myself was jumping right into a relationship. It caused so much hurt for me and the other person.
>Maybe you should keep her as a friend and meet other girls, yeah?
There's no one in my eyes right now but her, anon. It was hard enough finding someone like her to be friends with. I want to keep her an option at the very least. Just as I tell her things could change for her relationship with that guy for the worse, I tell myself that things could change for the better between us.
>>24873568
> It doesn't work like that nerd
you need to keep having sex and buying things regularly for it to work properly
>>24873579
But I don't want to take the risk of pushing her away for good. I want her to trust me as much as I trust her. I feel like if I bide my time long enough things will start to go a little more my way. I try to respect her space as I expect the same of other people.
>>24873669
>you need to keep having sex and buying things regularly for it to work properly
>buying things regularly
>>24873702
I guess so. Well, just keep waiting is really all you can do then. How long has it been since she broke up with her ex that she wants to get back with so much?
It's been five years since I became a neet/shut-in and it feels like there's no hope left. Tried both going to college and maintaining some sort of job, but severe social anxiety won out. At this point, I feel so out of the loop that it's pointless to even try to get back into it. At least I'm starting to find some sort of enjoyment from wallowing in my self-pity for so long.
why are the two weeks before christmas always the fucking worse
>>24873716
From what I gather it's been since like August. I guess they're "back together" now because they made a "deal" to try and make a good relationship. Yes, I informed her of how stupid that sounds. So now I'm just biding my time even more.
>>24869427
>goading about how i cannot change my IQ, or restore the neural flexibility i had as a kid. I want to be a painter but i am so paranoid about facing the possibility of being average that i have utterly lost all drive.
>Hopper, Monet, Van Gogh (just painters)
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/08/late-blooming-artists_n_1758135.html
>>24873568
>>24873629
I wouldn't really understand since I've never even wanted to be in a relationship. It just seems logical not to get invested in a one-sided love, sunken cost ya know? Even if she's the one you love right now who knows who else you'll find? I don't even think that you should go out looking for love. Just let it blossom like it did with her.
>>24869770
>my entire life has been about being poetic and tasteful, as opposed to my barbarous Arabic peers. Being a cut above everyone. If i am assured i am average in what i love most, my last defense line will be taken down.
iktf
>>24873832
I know what you mean and I know you're right. But I didn't even feel like I wanted another relationship until I got to know her better and until I realized how great she really is. No one has ever just extended their hand to me like she did and I just can't get over it. It means more than just a lot to me.
>>24873800
I don't care for hopper. As for Monet, Cezanne, and Van Gogh they had been exposed to examples of good art,humanities, and in most cases had at least some rudimentary education in draftsmanship or had a liking for copying scenery and events. The article is mentioning commercial success and renown, rather than possibility of developing to an outlier level with no prior involvement during early years.
I could no give less of a fuck if i were known to be Beethoven when im 4 or 90, i just want the presets that would let me be Beethoven.
>>24873731
Oh wow, thats a very long time. Have you sought out help?
>>24873735
Because its a forced happy holiday
>>24873789
Hm. They'll break up again. I'm sure of it
>>24873832
I suppose. I dont know. I dont really want another realtionship right now i dont thin k i can handle it
>tfw taking tranny faggot pills so already drunk on 1 beer
everything is going to be ok for an hour or so
>tfw ugly people have no value
I want to die
>>24874058
Yeah, I've tried taking meds and going to shrinks, but none of it helped. There's no one I can talk to either since I have no friends and I've become estranged with all of my family including my parents. It doesn't matter anyways; I've become so accustomed to the walls in my room that being outside of it for too long will just warrant a quicker breakdown of my mental state.
>>24874247
how'd you get on them senpai
what country
I bought a sketch book because I've never tried to really draw and I really like landscapes.
Just doing some simple How to do _______ in 5 steps and adding details in with the extra space
>>24874247
I cant drink because the meds I'm on do the same thing to me
Hope you're doing allright
>>24874323
Not true at all
>>24874330
:(
I'm so sorry to hear that anon.
>>24874371
>not true
Sorry, ALMOST no value
>>24874365
looks neat
>>24874371
Eh, it's not that bad now since I've basically given up; I actually get a kick out of it to be honest from a narrator's view.
>>24874365
Looks good
>except for that fugly-ass tree.
>>24874456
lol yea I was just thinking that, it looks like first grade shit
>>24874363
literally just buy them off the internet
burgerland
>>24874371
nah i'm really not that alright, but I am right now. just have only a little bit. it's fine if you control yourself
>>24872217
>>24872258
prozac does that to a lot of people, me included
I'm on zoloft now and it works for me, AD's are essentially throwing shit at a wall and hoping it sticks. For some it does, for others it doesn't, and the unlucky ones it gets worse.
>>24872343
Not me, I'm always finding something better. Maybe it's just because I'm optimistic, life would be so boring if anything I've done so far has been the best.
>last friday, feel myself slipping back into a depressive episode after a week where I felt somewhat okay
>go to a party with friends in spite of not wanting to
(I know I'm a fucking normie don't remind me)
>drink in spite of feeling like shit
>drink a lot
>feel myself spiraling downwards
>leave party to walk home
>walk on an overpass
I had been on the ledge of that bridge before, but it had always been more of a ponderous thing, than a suicidal thing.
>spend an hour on the ledge
>contemplate ending it right then
>let my right foot hang over the edge
>feel myself tipping
>I close my eyes
>I open them, and I'm on the pavement behind the ledge
>still on the overpass
Still here I guess.
WE DRINK, WE DIE, WE DRINK SOME MORE
>I poor one out for you robots
>>24874418
Also not true. You might think you have no value due to low self esteem but that really isnt' true
>>24874365
Not bad, really good for someone whos never tried to draw before
I'm afraid of doing anything creative due to failure so I dont. Which makes me sound like a hypocrite if you read earlier responses of mine. Because I kind of am
>>24874520
Whats wrong anon?
>>24874658
Damn, does anyone know about how you feel?
>>24874660
I dont drink much anymore but i appreciate the sentiment
thank you anon
>>24874706
My friend Katherine knows, and she understands what it's like. She had depression, and is currently taking MAOIs for it
My friend Patrick knows, but he lacks the perspective to really understand what it's like.
My mum kind of knows, but I shelter her from the worst of it. If she knew how bad it can get, it would break her heart.
>>24874783
Are you taking anything for yours?
>>24874883
No. I've been talking myself up to see a therapist or something, but I don't know how much help it will do at this point.
>>24874911
Well it couldn't hurt. Go for it anon
D-Does anyone here want to cling on to each other and play anime and do video games and watch drugs a-and maybe cuddle one day?
Anyone else talk to themselves at length? I've been doing that all my life.
>>24874938
r u a qt?
Sounds nice but I'm a guy so not everyone is up for that
>>24874950
I used to a lot, I dont do it as much but I still do it. I enjoy it.
>>24874989
>r u a qt?
Apparently
Also I don't care about gender, I'm a skeleton too bae
>>24874938
>cling on to each other
possibly
>and play anime and do video games and
not my thing
>watch drugs
I dont do that stuff
>a-and maybe cuddle one day?
more than likely
>>24874950
Not at length, but I find myself going on mini-tirades when something stupid happens, I cuss up a storm over stubbing my toe or my remote not working. I have yet to resolve any anger issues I have is what I'm saying.
>>24875114
Nicepost face ;3
I'm actually a little chubby the skeleton is a misnomer
>>24875139
>post face
NOPE
Back into the depths
>>24874950
I've started doing that now that i'm on my own and nobody can be "concerned" about it
>>24874706
>gotta stop taking faggot pills but can't get myself to
>tired of working and just want to be NEET again
>never ever going to get a gf
>>24875200
I don't actually expect anyone to post their face on 4chan at the request of a stranger. Have fun in the depths anon
>>24875203
Why do you have to stop taking what I suppose is HRT pills or whatever tehy're called
why is december always so shitty every single year
>got super drunk and was going to try and kill myself
>overestimated how much alcohol i could handle
>just laid in my bathroom nauseous/crying because i couldnt even do that
>mfw it doesnt even count as an attempt b/c of how pathetic it was
>been over a week and im still super numb to everything
i want to try again but its gonna have to happen after the holidays are over, i'm way to stubborn to be a holiday casualty. id rather go during one of the calmer quieter months of spring maybe march or april
[if im lucky maybe ill come up with another excuse to stick around by then]
>>24875203
>>gotta stop taking faggot pills but can't get myself to
its almost like you have a reason to take them
shocking
>>24875260
>why is december always so shitty every single year
because its a huge reminder for people why their life is shit
I'm making pot brownies tonight
I need something productive to do before I lose my mind any more than I already have.
>Crippling depression thread
>Some real stories
>Most is a bunch of normies who got sad for a week :'(
>>24875260
Because it's a month that is, at least for most first world countries, completely engulfed by Christmas which is a holiday that solely reinforces the fact that you don't have enough money to buy happiness because you are garbage; glad I could afford to buy my family socks to go along with their crippling disappointment.
>>24875260
Cold dark and christmas sucks
>>24875353
Never had any. Might be better for my anxiety than smoking it was
>>24875571
err, even though I haven't posted in this thread, I'd like to say goodnight Skelly
>been lurkin
>>24875613
Goodnight lurker, hope you sleep well
>>24875235
because it's just bad for me to take them, realistically
>>24875262
they should really only be for people who are really trans and the problem is that i'm not but some call-of-the-void type thing is compelling me to continue
>Group oral exam in spanish in a few hours
>Didn't study because I couldn't be arsed
>Failing all my classes
>Pretty much stopped eating months ago, only surviving on the bare minimum needed to survive
>Weight has dropped significantly
>Put my noose back together that I spent last semester putting my head in everyday
>Have finally come up with a design for it that ensures maximum efficiency
>College was my last reason to live and I have officially failed my parents who gave me everything I wanted
>Only here because without school I would just have a mcjob or something
>Have been an outcast everywhere I go for years which has made me increasingly reclusive
>Only go out when absolutely needed and when I do I just get laughed at for minding my own business
>Am probably considered a professional victim by most of society, but know myself that I have every reason to feel the way I do
>Mental and physical health declining and feel like a monster when out in public
>People stare at me when I walk past them like I'm some kind of freak
My death would have no positive or negative impact on the world whatsoever, I can't wait to get it over with. I don't exist, so it changes nothing. But I'll probably just pussy out and keep on living like I always do only to regret it later. Other people seem like NPCs in a videogame at this point and I will never form a meaningful connection with any of them. I feel like my mind died years ago but my body still hasn't received the memo.
>>24875469
This. Most of these people go to college, clubs and have a fairly normal life.
There is no way you can do any of this if you are depressed.
>>24875893
Maybe you should go see a gender therapist, or just stop if you feel like you aren't actually trans
>>24875899
You need professional help as soon as possible. Do your parents know about any of this?
>>24875899
>My death would have no positive or negative impact on the world whatsoever, I can't wait to get it over with. I don't exist, so it changes nothing. But I'll probably just pussy out and keep on living like I always do only to regret it later. Other people seem like NPCs in a videogame at this point and I will never form a meaningful connection with any of them. I feel like my mind died years ago but my body still hasn't received the memo.
I feel the same way.
I've had crippling depression and a myriad of other mental issues that just keep getting worse the older I get (I'm 27). I used to go out to my friends house down the street and we'd play video games/watch tv/get high all day but he moved and had girlfriends (at the easy location and now at the far location). I rarely go out anymore. Maybe once a week I force myself just so I don't lose him as a friend, despite it being a 20 minute drive where I'm filled with anxiety and think people are following me (mostly cops). Keep in mind this happens when I'm sober. I've had and have substance abuse issues for almost ten years now, and there's pretty much no escape. I constantly feel like everyone is staring and talking about me in public, despite knowing this is all in my head. Waiting to be seated at a restaurant sends my heart rate skyrocketing because I see all the normal people living normal lives and I feel like they know I'm freaking the fuck out. I want a job so I can start doing opiates again (I think I might just go straight for heroin this time, if I overdose and die, I won't feel as guilty as suicide by shotgun, etc) but my fear of leaving my house and judgement of others makes finding employment very difficult. I have state healthcare which covers jack shit as far as mental health, and the ONE psych facility that does accept it, won't let me smoke weed, despite it being the only thing that gets me to sleep at night instead of being kept up by paranoid delusions and anxiety. 1/2
>>24875930
I've had years of therapy and support from family ever since I almost hung myself back in 2011. Since I'm at uni I don't see my therapist anymore. My parent's know about my impending failing out of school. They also know about me no longer eating, my dad cried when I told him that I don't want to eat anymore, and afterwards my mom just told me to snap out of it. I'm no longer going to discuss my issues with my parents. They speak with the best of intentions, but they say the same things every time. What they say always delves into guilt tripping about how other people have it worse and how I shouldn't feel this way. I have 2 older sisters, but I don't want to bum them out by talking to them about my issues. I've not only dealt with poor mental health, but also traumatizing physical health problems. At this point I'm just tired, I want to go to sleep and never wake up. The only reason I haven't ended it is because the logistics of suicide are rather complicated. If I could walk into a clinic and get doctor assisted suicide I would do so immediately. I'm just waiting to die at this point.
>>24875908
...You are joking right?
You just sound like a fucking pussy. Depressed people do a lot of shit.
>>24876060
2/2 I know my drug use has done considerable damage and exacerbated my mental issues as well as causing new ones, but it's too late to fix these, and many don't even have a cure or a medicine to take for it. I have no desire for sobriety anyways since being high is all I have to live for (besides my parents I guess). I try to explain this to my parents and maybe 3 friends I have left (although mostly through internet contact these days and not real life) and they simply don't seem to understand the severity of the situation. My mom suggested maybe I get on disability, but I know my father will just make me feel awful about it. I want to just move out and prove that I'm capable of it, but I have no money saved, no motivation, and don't see any type of future for me that I desire. I don't want a career that I hate, all the fields of my interest are mostly art related and there's no jobs for that. Don't bullshit me and tell me there is, there isn't. I'm rambling at this point, but I might just go back to school for something with the arts, try to force myself to interact with people, if all else fails, start doing heroin and die. As far as recently, I was doing pretty good in terms of overall sadness, still miserable but not wanting to die level of misery, but I made the mistake of talking to the one girl who actually had sex with me and almost formed a relationship with, despite it being only two months of texting and her coming up to visit her friend and fucking me while she was in town (probably mostly due to the friend egging her on knowing how depressed I was about being a 24 y/o virgin). Anyways after 3 years of not speaking to her the wound had mostly scarred over until two nights ago when I had a conversation with her, and despite her distance, shitty personality, and not even being that attractive, I still miss how that brief period where we were "talking" was the only time I woke up happy, with something to look forward to besides another fix.
>>24876156
I forgot the part where she actually played me twice, same time of the year, two years in a row.I was dumb enough to believe that the second time around would be different, but at least I got laid that time. I think I just did it out of desperation. I still am desperate. I don't know what to do anymore, I'm just going to go get high and hope I forget about all this. I apologize for the long ass posts and me whining. It feels good to vent though sometimes to people who know what it's like.
>>24876132
>Depressed people do a lot of shit.
Lol not really f a m. You just have meme depression like most normies here.
>>24875930
I appreciate the concern. unfortunately therapists are useless and often stupid as well
Spent close to 8 years clinically depressed with no medication. Every single day I want to die. I fantasize about cars driving into me on the road. I fantasize about hostage situations that end with me dying. I fantasize about the world ending just so I can die.
I understand the world is vast and filled with innumerable wonders and that I am capable of great things. I just don't care. I am tired and I want to die. I don't want to live, I don't want to feel. I don't want to love and lose. I just want to stop everything.
But I will never kill myself. Death is inevitable, so to rush into it would be foolish. While I am here, slogging through this horse shit, I'll utilize my potential and make the best of my abilities, so that I can improve the lives of others, so that they may never know what it is like to be like me.
Even when pulling off the covers feels like too much work, the thought of helping others in spite of life feels me with a vigor that doesn't belong in a depressed shell of an individual. It gives me hope, and the strength needed to rip what I need from life's breast.
>>24876817
I wish I had your willpower, anon, but I've already given up. The only hope that I have left for myself is that my organs will be able to help someone after I die since I signed up to be an organ donor.
I was seriously thinking about doing it this holidays. I hate myself and can't stand it anymore
What's the point of living when you're poor and unemployed? You can't even afford escapism
I just turned 19 and I think I want to die, only thing holding me back is loved ones, I would rather be dead then carry on living at this point.
>>24870677
me to with the exams thing mate
talking to my instructor in a bit
>>24878217
Well I'm doing something lulzy when I an hero
you don't have to kill yourself at 19 you at least get to see if trump wins
For people who are on medication, how many did you try before you got on one that works?
I've been through 5 or so and none of them have changed anything. Currently on 150mg venlafaxine.
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/NOAgplgTxfc" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
should i try effexor? does it works?
