Anyone else feel like their friendships are all on borrowed time? It's always a matter of time before everyone hates me, with the exception of my very best friends.
And before anyone says shit, I'm practically a robot, I just have one or two close-ish friends who like me despite all of my personal issues.
>>24778831
nah m8. you gotta let go now and then and let it come back.
if u try to keep it too tight, it will go away for good.
i hope that makes sense
My friendships are always on borrowed time. Only because I end up cutting all contact eventually. I don't even want friends but I end up making them somehow. I really wish people would leave me alone.
>>24778895
>Only because I end up cutting all contact eventually.
This is what I kinda do. They end up hating me but I also just kinda give up on them myself and cut them off. I just don't like letting anyone close anymore, b/c I end up disappointing them, creeping them out, or they end up not giving a fuck about me after all.
OP here.
Seriously, to go greater in detail: I'm too much of a loser, too much of an Eliot Rodgers type for anyone to like me. I'm depressed and think of suicide often, on top of being socially awkward, so that impairs my ability to interact with other people. I have low self-esteem and I always feel like people don't really like me, which to be fair, some people seem to not really like me right off the bat for whatever reason. I'm not working, and I'm out of school, so I'm a NEET. A worthless NEET, although I've been trying to get my life together by finding a job and going back to school but no one wants to hire me; also my options are limited.
No one really knows this yet, but I have frequent murder and rape fantasies. But the problem is even worse than that, since sometimes I go beyond fantasizing, and actually feel like I could really kill somebody. I'm angry now. My depression has given way to genuine anger and I feel like if I could get away with it, I'd totally kill someone who pissed me off, or even someone who didn't, especially a woman. I hate how happy they all are, how easy they find relationships, friendships, and sex despite being so stupid. Morally, I find myself erring on the immoral side of things. Fuck people.
I used to think a lot of my inability to socialize with others was b/c of my interests: I'm a geek into more obscure video games, cartoons, some anime, capeshit, etc. But I've been meeting more and more people who are into almost the same kind of stuff that I am, but they're rather normal. Even people who seem to suffer from depression and shit seem to be rather normal (although in fairness, I doubt they experience depression like I do). While I still think it's somewhat true, I'm starting to think that being a gamer and whatnot isn't some excuse for how I am. I just kinda am.
Basically I'm a nerd who hates himself, doesn't get sex, is socially awkward, and pushes people away.
>>24780596
You will find that if you embrace being alone, sad, and stale you start to enjoy life more. Tell yourself you deserve it -you do.
>>24780820
Yeah definitely. Like my mom: my mom doesn't really have any real friends of her own, just my dad and all of us (her children). I guess my dad's family and extended family too, and some of his friends. But she mostly just keeps to familial affairs and herself.
I hate the way she is but I also find that I'm just like her. I don't want any friends, I just want to be left alone and free to enjoy the things that I like.
But contradictory, I also really desire companionship, emotional love, and physical love, so I reach out to people a lot, even though I know it's contradicting to my very nature. It's rough.
>>24780976
>>24780976
you might have the urge to reach out to people, but you have to ask yourself: why?
Ultimately, talking and socializing with other people is an attempt to make yourself happy. It's evident that you don't derive happiness from having friends and being the centre of attention, so you must find other ways that make yourself happy.
As for wanting to have physical love, I'd suggest not getting too into it. If you have more than one love you'd likely start to feel jaded towards the feeling. The first love is always the most intense and heartbreaking, and any attempt at relationships after that will not be the same.
Don't find a girlfriend. Keep the giddy thought of one day having the 'perfection' of a woman by your side, ignore the realities of it.
I likely sound crotchety, but a lot of human social interaction isn't worth the effort, and I firmly believe the sooner you realise this, the better.
>>24781016
You sound like I need to listen to you.
Like almost every attempt I've ever made at connecting to people has fallen flat on its face. I screw it up somehow.
Life started sucking for me once I realized that I had no friends and that I was a virgin, so I flung myself at any opportunity to pull myself out of my situation, thoughtlessly.
And yet, I am arguably more in my element when I am alone. It's sad but it doesn't have to be.
But no one ever remembers the loner....
As for getting a girlfriend, lately I've been really liking the idea of having the girlfriend experience once in my life, so that I can have someone who cares for me, have sex regularly, etc., just to see what it's like. And then when she inevitably breaks up with me, that'll be it, and I'd see how overrated the whole thing was and never try to get a gf again.
>>24781066
>...see how overrated the whole thing was and never try to get a gf again.
That is an idea. So long as the loss doesn't send you spiraling into lost-love depression, the most meaningless of "depression". If you experience sex and love you'll likely realise how many people incorrectly seem to think it's the centre of everything that matters.
No, I don't claim to have all the answers, nor do I expect you to follow my words. I only wish to aid you in the ways I can, perhaps save you the thought of some of these things.
Bide your time and think carefully about what you are about to go through, create the character that you wish to present yourself as. After all: you are only the person that other people perceive you to be.
Everything else is all up to you to decide, and the thoughts that you allow yourself to indulge in can be the happiest and most terrifying things you can experience. And, yes, these thoughts are yours and entirely yours -nobody else will help with that.
>26
>only contacts in my phone are my parents and my sister
JUST
>>24781227
>If you experience sex and love you'll likely realise how many people incorrectly seem to think it's the centre of everything that matters.
Yeah I've had some sexual experience but it's not like my life has changed significantly b/c of it. It kinda dawned on me the first time I saw a woman up close naked that even though I was experiencing this shit, I was still a NEET.
>No, I don't claim to have all the answers, nor do I expect you to follow my words. I only wish to aid you in the ways I can, perhaps save you the thought of some of these things.
You are helping me and I appreciate it.
>After all: you are only the person that other people perceive you to be.
I'm aware of that since ever since I started college, I started changing the way I dressed, the way I acted, and whatnot, and people started liking me more. I noticed how people seemed to think I were even cool and shit, which I never felt before. But it all the admiration fades away once the facade is pulled back and they see that I'm just a loser, just one that's somewhat good at making themselves appear not to be.
>Everything else is all up to you to decide, and the thoughts that you allow yourself to indulge in can be the happiest and most terrifying things you can experience. And, yes, these thoughts are yours and entirely yours -nobody else will help with that.
Thank you Anon. I try to be positive sometimes, but my mind is a prison and also I feel like hope is meaningless anyway, since it all seems to be false hope. Yeah I hope for the best but nothing ever really changes. Hope is a delusion that can hurt you and lead to more despair once it's clear that merely hoping for something to happen won't make it happen.
>>24781382
I hope you have a good night anon.
