>mom set up an okcupid account for me and is trying to get numbers and set up dates
By the looks of it she actually has good game and got me two numbers already
That's kind of cute that she's helping you out
>>24774437
It's not. She's setting me up for failure and embarassment
>>24774414
This is your chance to escape this hell hole
>>24774414
>tfw mom sat in the room with me and coached me through my first and only sexual encounter (with a prostitute who was actually the 50+ yo secretary at my church)
you must be really fucking pathetic if youre mom can get more numbers for you than you can
>>24774499
what the fuck
greentext that
>>24774474
this
anon will be awkward compared to the Chad his mom pretended to be
>>24774414
Listen, your mom wants you to get a date so badly she is literally HELPING you and DOING MOST OF THE WORK TOO
You should either
1. Find a date yourself, independent of your mother
2. Suck it up and date one of the girls your mom finds
You can literally train yourself to be good socially. Anyone who can't is A FUCKING IDIOT. It isn't easy, and it will suck, and it'll be hard and you may fail on the way, but when it gets to the point where your mother made you an okcupid account you need to get your shit together.
My mom helped me get a 9/10'a number this week, moms are the best wingmen.
>>24774499
YOU DONT POST SOMETHING LIKE THAT AND NOT GIVE DETAILS WTF MAN
>>24774414
Read Models by Mark Manson OP, fuck. You can easily torrent that shit
>>24774558
I don't want to fucking date. Why can't normies fucking understand that.
I'd rather just sit and play my vidya
>>24774592
then pretend you went on a date and fucked her or something
do it for your moms efforts at least
>>24774558
Shut the fuck up Norman.
lmao id love to see my mom try to get me dates on okcupid. she'd get redpilled so hard when no girls respond back because im unattractive
>>24774499
DUDE. I NEED THIS GREENTEXT YESTERDAY
>>24774547
>>24774587
>>24774721
calm down this is going to be a fucking novel and I needed to get something to eat
>mfw monitoring this thread
>>24774655
I am a massive sperg who refuses to improve himself you retarded fuck, but my mom isn't making me an okcupid account yet
>>24774414
holy shit new levels of pathetic have been achieved
>>24774499
>26yo, NEETing it up at my parent's house, not the basement just my childhood bedroom
>tried to do some community college but anxiety issues and depression
>parents constantly on my case about restarting school, finding a job that people can respect
>parents share my computer because they paid for it and obviously the electricity and shitty dialup internet
>computer is in the family room, so the only time I get to fap is when they are both gone which is almost never
>they go to a church retreat one weekend and naturally I go balls out walking around the house naked, eating my favorite chips and soda, and jerking off like it is the end of the world
>the last night I stay up until 6 in the morning and crawl into my bed dehydrated and with a sprained wrist
>wake up FOURTEEN HOURS LATER
>see my dad's car in the driveway
>instantly remember that I never restarted the computer
>long story short, mom saw what I had been abusing myself to all night and basically it was nonstop dickgirl porn
(cnt'd)
>>24775058
Already dying
Bump
>tfw I've been lurking for a while and have chosen a new board to spend all my time on
>>24774820
I understand this now. The robot in me has chosen peace
>tfw wizard of 7 years
>>24775058
>next step was naturally the most awkward and terrifying time of my life, or so i thought
>parents screaming and crying and calling me a homosexual degenerate, everything came up
>how much it cost to clothe and feed me, the shame they feel at having a son who has done nothing with his life, the betrayal they feel at bringing this filth into their home, the violation they felt at having my "emissions" soaked tissue left all over the living room
>finally it ends with my father driving me in silence to a motel and telling me to stay for 3 days because he can't even look at me right now
(cont'd)
>>24775239
Sad fee fees
>>24775239
keked by your own parents....
>>24775239
>the violation they felt at having my "emissions" soaked tissue left all over the living room
well why would you do that?
>>24775058
>>24775239
>be me
>mom complains I wank too much it's soaking the bedsheets and means they need to be washed more often
>"are you throwing out this fleshlight anon?, it's been sitting in the cupboard for months"
>"no it doesn't work stupid thing"
>later
>use dads laptop
>"dad you need to learn to clear your history"
Im sorry how can this work?
Is she using an account with your picture to flirt with girls?
>>24775239
>can't even describe the hell I went through during those 3 days
>panic attacks, throwing up, crying, rage, suicidal thoughts
>trying to budget out the $20 my mom gave me at the Wendy's next door, end up buying a loaf of bread from a gas station after the first day and just eating that
>whole world is just annhilated in an instant, feeling just dizzyness and despair, the blackest despair you could ever feel
>I don't even know if anyone is actually coming to get me or if i want them to
>thinking about running away but too scared and nowhere to go
>either become homeless and die starving on the street or face my parents who now know that I get off to Asian cartoons depicting underage harlots with massive penises
>final night just sit on the bed staring at the window until close to checkout time
>my father's station wagon pulls up
>my mom is driving
>she is dressed in black and wearing large sunglasses to hide her face
>she honks once and I remember walking lightheaded towards the car
>in the backseat is our pastor, my old guidance counselor from highschool, and my aunt
>I sat in the frontseat and we drove back to my church in silence
(cont'd)
>>24775471
>pastor, my old guidance counselor from highschool, and my aunt
Holy shit
This is getting better and better
>>24775527
>>24775471
You Americans sure are dramatic
>>24775527
That shit is such a fuckin lie tho lmao
>>24775471
dude, I feel genuinely bad for you. That's don't serious abuse.
>>24775627
some, not don't
>>24775614
No
Every word is gospel truth. This is 4chan
>>24775614
LISTEN and BELIEVE, anon
Don't be a shitlord
this is better than game of thrones
>>24775471
I am monitoring this situation
>>24775471
This both cannot, and must, be real.
>>24775471
finish faggot
>>24775471
please hurry anon i cant wait much longer
>>24775600
yep. that desu
>>24775471
So far so good.
>>24775471
>still remember the feeling during that drive, like this is the way that death row inmates feel when they are going to the electric chair
>mix of soul shattering terror but also impatience to just get it over with, just fucking end it
>ride to church took twice as long as it should have because mom is a retard who takes the longest route possible because she navigates by landmarks instead of streets
>pull into the gravel parking lot
>no one says a word
>feel my body mechanically opening the door and stepping out
>everyone walks into the chapel and I followed
>get inside, there are maybe a dozen people sitting in the pews
>keep in mind this is a fucking Wednesday afternoon
>pastor points to the first row and I sit
>next few hours is like a personal church service for me, my aunt and some other old fuck read bible lessons
>pastor gives a sermon covering everything from Sodom & Gomorrha to masturbation to homosexuality, honoring and obey parents all while just looking directly at me
>grand finale is me kneeling on a cushion in the middle of church and individually asking each person in the church to forgive me
>half the people had to introduce themselves to me because I have NO FUCKING IDEA WHO THEY ARE OR WHY THEY WERE THERE
>the deacon's wife and son are there, after I beg that cunt for forgiveness she scurried her son out of there like she was expecting the devil to start hurling flaming dildos at his ass
>pastor makes the sign of the cross with some oil on my forehead and service ends
>somehow I lived through the humiliation and 3 hours later I am back in my room crying under my Star Wars sheets
(con'ts)
Bump for depression and intrigue
>>24775918
this shits pretty good pham
>>24775918
Christ man
What denomination are they anyway?
somebody start chronicleing this shit, future generations must know of this night.
>>24775997
Agreed
I want this to be dubbed
The passion of the frogposter
>>24774414
I love the absurd shit like this.
Best post on /r9k/ I've seen all week.
Preparing for incoming sphagetti
i'm capping the story
>>24776082
well, i was too, but i guess not anymore
thanks for crushing my dreams anon
>inb4 leddit or some bullshit
Grew up in a southern baptist church, I understand the whole begging for forgiveness thing. Go on frogposter. Do gods work
>>24775918
BRING IT HOME ANON
>>24775918>>24775471
>>24775239
>>24775058
>inb4 I opened my bedroom door and walked the dinosaur
Hurry up anon I'm bouta fall asleepy weepy
Someone is capping this right ?
>>24776256
inb4 the license plate said FRESH
cmon op
Need some more OP
DELIVER IT YOU GLORIOUS SON OF A BITCH
MOAR
NEED
MOAR
OP please...
delivery por favor
DELIVER.
E
L
I
V
E
R
>>24775918
>next week is awkward as hell
>barely leave my room
>mom just leaves mcdonalds or pizza on the stove for me, along with a stack of job applications from every gas station, fast food place, clothing store, etc in this area
>also leaves choice pamphlets about homosexuality, some material designed for newlyweds talking about "coitus" in very euphemistic terms, photocopies of bible verses
>after a few days the pastor comes to my house and lectures me for an hour about sin and forgiveness, the dangers of homosexuality, etc while my mother sits crying in the kitchen
>the whole time I am just fuming and seething inside
>after he leaves my mother tries to get tough and starts scolding me asking if I actually listened to what the reverend had said
>can't take this shit no more, I fucking unload on her
>just start yelling and cursing about my misery and loneliness, about how I was picked on at school, about how cruelly the girls at school treated me and how badly I wanted a GIRLfriend, and how sorry i was for this embarassing mistake but how angry I was for being treated this way
>I never talked to her like that in my whole life and she looked at me like I had slapped her and told me to just go up to my room
>the next day she cooked a normal dinner and left it for me
>my father came home but he still did not have words for me
>my mother tells me that she knows someone who I can talk to that will help me
>I tell her no way, I am done, I will get a job and move out but I am not talking to anyone else
>she keeps bringing it up and I am yelling at her that I will not talk to a shrink or a priest or whoever this is, I am done
>mom can barely gets it out but tells me that this is not a counselor, this is an experienced woman who can help young men such as myself who are "lacking skills and confidence in bedroom situations"
gettting tired
>>24775918
>>24775471
>>24775239
>>24775058
There is no hell worse than your life
>>24776610
>gettting tired
u not goin anywhere till u finish that shit
>>24776610
The anticipation is building
>>24776610
yo, good writing. it feels like a commercial break with that pseudo ending. Did you become an author?
>dickgirl
>parents think you're homosexual
What? Your parents must be pretty dumb. Dickgirls aren't gay.
>>24776700
Starting this argument
Screenshots are being taken. This had better be good OP, although it's actually been fantastic already.
>>24776700
dubs said it
F E M I N I N E P E N I S
E
M
I
N
E
P
E
N
I
S
>>24774414
Are you by any chance asian, indian, or middle eastern? I noticed some families do this type of stuff when someone asks them if their son has a girlfriend or not
>>24776717
It's been proven that homosexuals aren't attracted to dickgirls. They simply don't fap to it.
If anything it means you're straight.
>>24776700
try to tell that to normies, faggot
also what do u expect from people who goes all dramatic klu klux klan members because they think their son looks at gay cartoons?
>>24776762
I knew a few gay normies from my normie days. All they talked about was that as long as it had a dick it was ok for them to be gay for.
>>24776610
>20-30 minutes between each post
Definitely fake, you're clearly making shit up as you go along.
If it were real, you would have it in your head and the story would have some emotional weight for you once you got going, so you would just wind up on a roll and be able to type the whole thing up in 5-10 minutes if it weren't for post limits.
>>24776838
I'm not the poster, but i find it much more difficult to recall actual memories than make shit up. I could tell you a lie on the spot, but to remember something that happened to me in detail takes a long time.
>>24776781
Well, that's why I said his parents were pretty dumb to think he was gay. Frankly he should have just run away from home during the time he was supposed to stay at the motel.
>>24776823
Not real fags then, bi at best. /lgbt/ will back me up.
>lacking skills and confidence in >bedroom situations
So a prostitute?
>>24776838
If he were making it up, wouldn't it be more likely that he would type it all up at first so that there are no loose ends/inconsistencies?
women are good at this somehow. One time a girl took my phone for a day. When I got it back, she had multiple girls interested and a date scheduled and ready to go. I was pretty impressed.
You gotta finish this shit. I wanna see what comes of this!!!!
Bumping I'm getting ready to sleep
>>24776838
not to mention way way too verbose
>parents caught me on a dick girl binge on the family computer
>they freak out, get the church involved
there, the entire story up until now in two lines
waiting on green txt guy
>>24777000
Dub trips demand moar
>>24776917
because its who different worlds. mans and womans world. woman especially act too on-guard against males, but when they talk with someone from inside -another girl- they will just be so easy to convince to things
this is all i could get
have to leave
>>24776902
>
>Also he won't bother making it loong
>>24776610
>I ask her what she meant by that
>she doesn't go into any more detail
>the next day she wakes me up at 9 and tells me we have to go meet her
>we drive for a while in silence
>she pulls over after a while and goes into a drugstore
>comes back and doesn't say anything
>driving, at this point I don't really recognize where we are
>mom is clearly taking me where nobody she knows could see her
>finally end up at a seedy looking motel
>>24777063
>20 minutes to type that
get it together
>>24777031
what the fuck? i didnt post that
correct image here
>>24777063
>then muh Benis gedds sugged
>>24777080
>capping a fake story
>>24776610
Come on faggit I'm losing my erection
>>24777100
>not liking fake stories
>>24776978
Also note how this summary isn't nearly as entertaining.
>>24777080
that's shit mate
>>24777063
20 min
>tfw when
>>24777080
One of the best setting green texts I have read on 2015
>>24777063
Moar OC this is juicy and delicious and I love you and sympathize with you OP.
>>24774414
Haha you've been on here for too long
>>24776700
mmhhhmm
>>24777228
You haven't been here long enough. I bet you still have joy in your life
>>24776610
>mom makes phone call, tells me that we have an appointment tomorrow afternoon
>we have an appointment
>we
>the next morning mom has ironed my pants and shirt, and my good shoes are shines
>almost die forcing down the hearty breakfast she made
>we leave at about noon and drive over 40 minutes to the next town
>pull into a CVS parking lot
>mom tells me we need to pick up a few things
>get inside, she hands me a basket
>we pick up gum, flowers, and a box of chocolates
>mom crosses herself and heads to the pharmacy counter
>in a horribly fake and loud accent she tells the Indian dude behind the counter that she wants to buy some con-doms, but they are not for her they are for her son and points at me
>almost snap her neck right there
>even the pharmacist is embarassed but he tells us that they are right behind us
>turn and grab a pack of Trojans before she starts asking about sizing or anything else
>go to checkout and place all this embarassing shit on the counter while this teenage girl at the register looks at me like i'm retarded
>"my son has a date with his girlfriend" my mom explains as she pushes past me to pay
>at this point i am just staring at my feet trying not to scream or cry or both
>"the candy is buy one get one, did you want another?"
>lordjesuswhyareyoudoingthis.exe
>mom goes back to the aisles trying to find where we got the chocolate from
>other customers are piling up behind me
>"did you want a bag for the condoms?"
>s-sure no
>"...yes you do, or?"
>YES
>finally mom comes back with the candy, she pays and we leave
>"enjoy your date"
contdd
>>24777332
>inb4 you open the door to your date and everybody walks the dinosaur
>>24777063
you ain't me
you wouldn't survive one day in my life
>>24777332
ugh lol
>>24777332
hahahaha
your mom sounds autistic as fuck
>>24777332
Lol
That is really funny, really..
>>24777389
He had to get it from somewhere
>>24777332
Get this fake shit the fuck outta here
bring dat ass here boy, you know ya ass still ain't gettin laid so you gotta make up fake fantasy stories.
You woulda thought your life was j-j-j-just like my favorite japenese manga, fuck outta here boy.
What you thought we were all gonna congratulate you like some Human Instrumentality Project shit, fuck ya mean. Get the fuck up outta here boi
>>24777372
Are you story bot? Plead more story it's a good one.
>>24777332
Why is it taking you so long to type each part? Please speed up, it's getting extremely late.
>>24777311
The only social interactions I have are this website and maybe professors from my college
>>24775058
>dickgirl porn
Every time. Wish we could gas you faggots.
>>24774414
someone should screenshot this and make
a sarcastic r9k motivator picture out of it
>>24777332
35 min to write this... come on dude
You story is shtokya desu senpai
>>24777497
I agree, shits fucking gross
>>24777456
you know what I am getting tired o the complaints
it takes forever because i suck at typing and i have to keep retyping because i hit backspace
i don't need this abuse you guys asked to hear this
>>24776838
That's what I meant.
It takes me 10-20 minutes to type up a long one. You just type it up, and use copy and paste so you can post the story quicker.
Even if you were typing it all up as you go, it doesn't take 30 minutes to type out a 2000 character post.
>>24776889
He's not even giving that much detail.
When you tell a story that has emotional weight to you, eventually it just starts flowing.
I could type up a 15 page single-spaced summary about my past experience with drug addiction in the same amount of time that it would take me to write a bullshit 4-page double-spaced paper for a college course.
Why? Because it's real, and the truth just flows.
Also, when someone types "getting tired" after a greentext story, it is because they are a histrionic internet person who wants you to beg them to continue their story, inflating their sense of self-worth.
>>24777569
don't listen to these ungrateful assfaggots family
>>24777456
>Mom is right
>>24777569
Ignore the dickfags, just finish pleeeeeeeease
>>24777569
Ignore the faggotry, it's not like you had this shit pre-typed.
NEETs, this is your future, so I hope you're all listening :^)
>>24777576
IDK man, I write reports for lawyers for a living so it probably just varies per person.
I don't particularly care if it's a real or fake story, as it's engaging enough to keep my attention and that's all that matters. Just saying that taking a long time doesn't definitely mean it's fake.
>>24776755
whats your fucking problem you gay autist?
everytime a comment is written your style its shit and gay,
fuck off and kill yourself
>>24777576
I agree that the story might be fake, but it's worth reading in the end.
>>24777456
Link methat Sakuya doujinshi please
>>24777588
no fuck this i am out
btw, she had a lazy eye and she prepped me for what we were going to do by showing me with fucking RAGGEDY ANN AND ANDY DOLLS
tl;dr she was like fucking a mud puddle and got into an argument with my mother WHO WAS IN THE NEXT ROOM while were in the middle because i couldn't stay hard FOR SOME MYSTERIOUS REASON
we didn't even use the condoms, sidenote
>>24774474
>>24774547
his mom probably isnt a sperg and understands that he needs more practice with women. You develope how to act with women by going out and utterly failing. Nothing drills into your mind what not to do when you go on a decent date but realize the few things you spaghetti'd on that messed it up.
It's painful man but if you want to be able to interact with women successfully you have to go through it. The other option is a sad and painful life.
bumping for teh lulzz OP please continue
>>24777576
Oops, quoted myself.
That first part of my post was meant for:
>>24776902
Must be the booze.
>>24777677
Don't be a fucking faggot
>>24777654
You're just butthurt because your dick will never be as pretty as the other girls :P
>>24777677
worst OP ever
Good job you guys, scared off a good greentext.
>>24777677
honestly pretty much the best ending to this story possible
>>24777456
damn, that's some calligraphy handwriting by okaa-san
>>24777704
-said his mother and father
If your goal was to send this guy into autistic flashbacks...well.
>>24777784
He fucked a real woman pussy, the boy ain't a faggot no more.
As if anyone ever wanted to hear the background anyway. Just tell us about the fucking, you know, the part that had us interested.
>>24775146
Leave
(You have been muted for 2 seconds because you didn't please senpai hiroshimod)
>>24776082
If you put it on reddit I'm gonna shoot myself school desu senpai
>>24777955
im on /r9k/ because there is no /suicide/
board and r9k is the closest
>>24778020
It's better if you just finish the story, family
>>24778024
Just go to wizardchan
>>24774499
WHY HAVEN'T THESE BEEN CZHECKED
>>24776759
Good point. Tiger Mom detected.
>>24777677
is this really how you are going to end it anon desu
unless OP finishes the story properly this is it
>>24777332
HURRY FAGGOT
>>24774414
pics of the 2 bitches or gtfo
>>24775058
>crawl into my bed dehydrated and with a sprained wrist
xD
>>24777332
Reading this made me sweaty.
Obviously fake, but good story. 9/10 would read again
>>24778060
whats wizardchan?
the last 2 posts dont make sense, i think the first of the two is not OP, most recent is tho
>>24778109
only homosexual inbreeds check
>>24778109
only homosexual inbreeds check
d0 02 65 e3 bc a9 e2 61 02 1a
>>24777777
I have hope for anon to finish his story. Here's to you anon, I hope you aren't a fagg
