went undefeated at a MTG tournament the other day. That was nice. Stressed about some papers but whatever i'll push it out of my mind. Tired
How are you all doing tonight?
I hate myself beyond words, and I'm constantly exhausted.
It's an overpowering feeling. There is no one on this planet I hate more. I don't even know what to do when it hits really hard anymore.
i'm starting to go off the deep end
I've stopped feeling like I have something to lose and now I have incredibly violent intrusive thoughts because I don't feel I would lose anything doing them
stopping the impulse is hard
Trying to put it all out of my mind and have succeeded for a week or so.
Feel like the weight of it all is crushing me though.
I woke up at like 10:30 AM this morning. Felt miserably. Kept forcing myself to go to sleep all day. Just woke up now (5:45 PM in my timezone). Now all the shitty feelings are coming back and I can't sleep anymore. I'll probably be up all night.
>>24095850
Shrink gave me a drug that makes the ouchies go away for a while.
I feel like some sort of emotionless drone most of the time. But if I quit it I might end up self-harming again.
>>24095967
Why do you hate yourself so much?
>>24096052
You should probably talk to someone about that. Like thats pretty bad for everyone
>>24096053
What are you trying to not think about?
>>24096148
Is anything specifically making you feel miserable?
>>24096153
What are you on?
>>24095967
That's what the Devil wants.
>>24095850
>tfw too scared to go to local card store
>want to play mtg tho
what do i do
>>24095850
what deck did ya play mang?
>>24096209
You could play online? Or you could be brave one day and step in. Magic is like drugs people are all too willing to help you get hookedi know nothing about drugs
>>24096231
Modern Jund. Went up against Lantern Control, Blue Jund, and Grixis Twin.
I noticed my supplements were giving me mood swings which at the worst gave me some nasty intrusive suicidal thoughts. I also realized I might have to drop out of a class because I got 0 on a quiz which constituted 10% of the final grade. Now I'm straight up depressed and don't know if I should take muh pills or deal with this shit alone.
>>24096187
I'm on Cymbalta, It's not supposed to be this weird according to the doc, but it is.
almost lost my perfect grades but because of some technicality that nobody's bothered to explain to me I still have a 4.0
>>24096278
Could you retake the quiz? Also quit the supplements if they're making you crazy
>>24096309
Might wanna switch then, there are tons of options
sliced up my arm last night, don't even care
i'm the closest ive ever been to suicide and i feel nothing
oh but shhh im white and a male i cant have problems
I can't just AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA for an entire post any more and it pains me to know that I won't be able to for a long time.
>>24096341
Heyy good shit
>>24096354
*tips*
But for real are you okay anon? Like you probably need to get serious help as soon as possible.
>>24096371
Just gotta make the number of A's different
>>24096354
check your privilege white cis scum
go back to oppressing minorities
I feel like it's over bros. Like, not just for us dysfunctional rejects, but in general this is it. Humans have reached a point where there's nothing left but to rinse and repeat an endless cycle of hedonism. I mean of course there's things to do, but in the bigger picture is it really leading to anything but a brief moment to be forgotten. I believe it's very important for humans to all feel connect to each other yet separate. But with the advances in technology, and discovery of new things we've ran out of unique and significant reasons to entertain our empty existence. Everything from feminism, racism, and war nowadays just seems like the result of boredom. What is else out there that can drive us into a sense of succession? Everything has pretty much been done, and anything else is out of our current grasp, or won't be obtained in our own lives. Life just seems so empty that I can't see a way to prevent breaking down at the end of the day no matter how successful I am....what the fuck is going on.
>>24095850
felt awful yesterday
didnt take venlafaxine as im tryna come off it so had massive fear/anxiety most of the day
am better today because I took it
>>24096407
>Just gotta make the number of A's different
Tried that. Robot says it lacks content.
There is no hope for my people.
>>24095850
i just want my friends back
i was looking through old messages on skype and i found my best friend's account. she probibly hates me now
>>24096432
There is so much we haven't done, and so much more to do. Also it honestly makes me kind of sad as well that I won't live to see so much, but thats life. Can't change it.
Also people have always been purposeless.
>>24096467
Thats good thats good. Glad you're feeling better
>>24096473
I'm so sorry AAAAAAAAAAAAAnon
>>24096479
Where did they go?
>>24096354
Hi skeleton.
I lack drugs so external stimuli is not enticing. I socialized last night but today I have done nothing productive. I played a lot of video game but I have also done a lot of 4chan lurking, and procrastinating a shitty busywork assignment.
It's nice to see the robot filter back up. I don't think I've came to this board longer than a minute or two for a good month or so. Still sad that it is in an irreparable state but is what it is.I don't know if this trip still works but I'll give it a shot.
>>24096187
>anything specifically
Sure, plenty.
>dropped out of community college
>no money
>no job
>car just died, more too fix it than to get a new one
>can't stand family
>don't talk to the rest of my family
>no way to move out for a while
>distancing myself from my friends
>not making any new friends over here
My escape plan is to start getting into freelance webdesign and maybe some remote network admin work. Something I can do from the computer at home. Then I want to move out to the desert and get a dirt cheap house so I can live comfortably with little means. Then spend my free time doing what I want to do. Mostly writing, shooting guns, getting drunk, blowing up fake lemonade stands way out in the wastes, ect.
I can't find the motivation to learn enough programming/networking/build a portfolio/ect. to get any work. I just keep staring at the airlock on the fermentation container in my desk drawer. In a few days I'll have booze. I can't stand being sober. I just want to get fucked up constantly. Can't focus on anything when I'm sober. Don't care. Ran out of weed and pills and there's money, but I'm supposed to spend it on A+ certification. I've already used some of for cheap vodka and now it's not enough for the cert test.
>>24096510
Oh god I didn't clear the reply I clicked to open my QR window. Oops.
who /just wants to scream forever/ here
>>24095850
was using my mum's anal beads but got caught
it was very embarassing
>>24096510
Yeah haven't seen you in a while. Is there anything you want to do productive? ANd yeah board is still shit but I enjoy the robot except that I can't just type "im gay" anymore.
>>24096514
Just have to keep going anon. If you can just get your network shit together you could leave and never have to rely or talk to your family again. Also how often do you drink?
>>24096543
I'm too tired to scream
>>24096566
Thats very lewd anon
who caught you
>>24096618
my little bro's friend
>>24096685
holy shit lol
I'm sorry that happened but its also kind of funny to hear. How old is he I hope you didn't traumatize a 10 year old
>>24096685
You know what you must do now.
>>24096685
revenge diddle him
>>24096618
Well there are things that I WANT to do that is productive but I can't for various reasons, things I currently lack motivation for, and things that I NEED to do but am procrastinating on.
>>24095850
I jerked off too some hentai.
>>24096781
I understand. I've got a terrible procrastination problem myself. It sucks hard
i've got a razor blade in my bathroom. i quit. i can't live like this anymore. all i do is cut myself eat and sleep. i'm so close to just ending it all.
>>24096543
I remember one time back when I had a car I was headed to work and had already had a very shitty day. My dad called me for the usually "you're not doing good enough in (school/family/life/whatever)" basically just calling me to tear me down and make me feel like shit. I was speeding down a windy highway and started screaming at the top of my lungs trying to get the self-loathing out. I had such a hard grip on the steering wheel and kept trying to force myself to just jack it hard to the left and slam my car into one of the big palm trees in the center divider. I'd seen just a week ago the result of that. Some family minivan smashed all to shit. Tree went down, but the car was mangled and compressed to all hell. I think there were a few survivors, certainly not the driver. I just wanted to hit one of those fucking trees and slam myself through the windshield so I can bleed out somewhere on the other side of the road.
I pussied out.
>>24096618
>Also how often do you drink?
As often as I can. Last time I bought some cheap vodka I drank constantly. Couldn't get out of bed. I was practically catatonic from the time I opened the bottle until I finished it. Usually I don't do that though. Usually I just drink all day every day, but at a very slow pace. Most people don't know I even drink when I'm like that. In fact when I'm not drinking I get accused of drinking because I avoid everyone and look miserably. When I am drinking everyone thinks everything in my life is alright.
I just live a better life with a consistent buzz. Grandma asked me the other day where the mouthwash went. No idea, gram. Found out later I had no alcohol in it. Took one swig and said, "Nah, this ain't right."
>>24096722
>>24096735
>>24096766
it is okay, he probably thought he walked into me changing or something
I mean I closed the door really fast on him and he didn't see the beads because they were in my ass
>>24096814
That specific thing is in regards to a monotonous assignment for a class. I have to collect news articles--one per week with the cutoff being last week and they are due by the 18th. We have to find a recent class-related article through a news source that also has a physical paper publication but we can only use one particular source up to two times. Standard "find article and write short summary" but I honestly haven't done anything like this since seventh grade Science class and it's a huge waste of time.
>>24096829
pls dont anon ;_;
dont do it
pls be ok
>>24096829
Itll hurt really bad and there's a decent chance you won't even die. If you are really feeling suicidal please go to an ER, thats what I've always been told what to do.
>>24096808
hot
>>24096832
Thats really not good for you anon, but you already know that. How long have you been drinking for? LIke, when did it start?
>>24096881
Sounds like a slash fic desuhe hot?
>>24096908
That sounds so fucking boring. Jeeze
>>24096988
I know. Realistically, it probably won't take long. I could do it all within a few hours. Gonna do like one a day starting tomorrow or Monday. I have too much free time so it's easy to put things off.
How do you find the energy to attend a MTG tournament while depressed?
>>24097116
On a bit of an upswing right now, and I really wanted to get away from my family for a night. I skipped the one today because I really didn't want to go
>>24097102
Same. I need to finish a paper tomorrow and then start a new one and then fix this other one and then email someone
ugh
>>24097153
I know I have a paper to do for another class but it hasn't been discussed yet and I know fuckall about it or what I'm supposed to write about. I hate non-Psych papers because I'm awful at them.
>>24096988
>How long have you been drinking for?
Hard liquor been my drink of choice since about thirteen. Nothing wrong with hard liquor. "Denatured" (aka poisoned) mouthwash is no good for you. Only fucked with the minty devil a couple times. Of course you can distill it and separate the different types of alcohol, but I don't have a hotplate or a thermometer. Could probably jury rig a distillation set up, but with no accurate heat or a way to monitor it, no dice.
Usually, even back when I was like fourteen, people will buy you booze. Homeless and derelicts are very helpful. Usually would hang out around a liquor store in the ghetto somewhere and wait. Tipped them well too. Always kept a knife on me, sometimes a 9mm. Never had any trouble when I was young. Now that I'm much older (still under twenty-one) people are much less likely to rip me off. I'm somewhat athletic. Also a lot of immigrant liquor store owners don't give a shit and will sell me a bottle or two with no ID. They ask what I'm doing that night and I say, "Not driving." Good enough for them. I brew a lot of my own alcohol now. It's cheaper and you don't have to deal with people.
At least it keeps life interesting. Got some good stories out of it. Nothing worth sharing here though. Already guilty of walls of text.
>>24097299
Do you know how long its supposed to be?
>>24096505
>where did they go
forced me out of her life because im a clingy bitch who is paranoid about being replaced
>>24097300
Damn, since thirteen. What would you do without alcohol?
>>24097332
Give me an example of it
>>24097312
Uh, it's briefly discussed in the syllabi; like 3-4 pages, maybe 5? I really don't remember. The professor completely forgot about them up until a few weeks ago.
>>24097360
this happened 9 months ago
i was in a large group on internet friends and my paranoid personality disorder made me start having intrusive thoughts about being replaced by other people, so i started stalking them and others online. i started to grow resentful of a single person and i was a bitch about everything. once people found out they all kicked me out
>>24097360
>What would you do without alcohol?
Smoke weed and/or pop pills. I try to avoid pills and the weed just keeps me steadily going along. Or I just go to a party where there's alcohol. Or I shoplift from Vons. Or I brew my own.
Used to have a good group of friends who I would hang out with every day. We'd drink, smoke, go to parties, go to the beach, ect. Always drugs and alcohol around. It was fantastic for a while. Then I spazzed out and acted like they were the reason I was acting so shitty. Distanced myself from them just before I moved and then stopped talking to that group altogether.
Got plenty of contacts from my home town though. Can pick up a pound of good weed for a good price every harvest from a reliable and legit grower. Friends in ghetto always welcoming and always got a hook up. Everything ranging from weed to acid to meth and heroin. It's truly a free market. Except when the cops slowly roll down the street. Then everyone puts their shit away and yell at them, flip them off, or keep smoking their weed if they have prescriptions and keep drinking if they are on their or a friends property. Then when they are gone it's back to business. Back to pleasure.
I was nearly put in inpatient after the meds they gave me for anxiety and depression caused me ot have a major panic attack. so that was fun
>>24097484
Oh man. Can you go back and apologise?
>>24097549
I mean I guess if it works for you.
>>24097552
:( what did they give you?
I went into the city today. new york city. I walked around a while. Successfully navigated the subway. Crossed the brooklyn bridge, which was kinda neat.
The city is an interesting place. In a strange way, it reminds me of when I discovered 4chan for the first time. You blend right in, don't have a name unless you give one, and unless you do something stupid nobody really bothers you.
I saw some guy wearing a trenchcoat and fedora, too. Had the neckbeard and everything.
It's funny, in the city, just walking around you see everybody living their lives. There's so much going on. Normal people, strange people. I spent some time just sitting in washington square watching everybody go by.
I didn't enjoy it, as such. I don't really enjoy things these days. But I said I was going to go to the city and I did. I'd be happy about it if I could.
>>24097552
NEVER accept the medication if you don't really need it. They will just keep you there longer and it's expensive as fuck, especially if you're inpatient, and they'll use it as "proof" that you are crazy and need to stay longer and take more pills (aka pay them more at inflated prices). They help a lot of people, but they scam a lot of people too.
>>24095850
I go through periods where I am fine and in control and then periods of feeling like I hate everything in the world.
Whats wrong with me?
>>24097786
Thats called being bipolar anon,welcome to the club
>>24097828
I have had suspicions.
Do you also feel like people are not treating you well? When really its probably just an overreaction?
There are times I am the one who is level headed and the voice of reason, then other times where I think everything is stupid and I have an immense hate for everything. Then it passes
Tfw medicine and therapy aren't helping
Fucking Jace yet again is the priciest card in Standard. What an asshole. If only Origins limited were better, more people wouldve cracked them packs.
I know this sounds retarded, but whenever a new game is about to come out that I want to play, or a new big patch or whatever (in this case, fallout 4) I get really really bad anxiety over it not being that great, even though it looks good. Makes game releases hell.
Started emailing an amazing girl I met online.
She's probably a man.
Or worse, is everything I've dreamed of and yet I'll never met her. And if I did I'd be fucking idiot or just plain repulsive.
Well, at least I can play meme guitar...
>>24095850
I feel like i can't fit in anywhere, I try and try but in the end i'm always the loner or the weird guy.
>feels like I'm getting more depressed by the day
>don't know if its actually depression or just a meme
>only time I hinted to my parents about being depressed they said I just have to choose to be happy
>I won't get help any time soon
I feel I'm going to cut. I'm sitting alone in a cold room with a box cutter right now. Is it better on top of my arm or on the underside?
>>24097579
escitalopram I think. shit scared the fuck out of me cause of how anxious it made me (like constant stomach ache anxious) on top of not eating much nor sleeping more then 1hr of sleep per night. Also was already effecting my wanting to fap and was making it difficult as fuck which scared me even more.
best part of tuesday was them trying to bully me into going into inpatient by saying I had something against psychiatrists when I was/am already seeing a psychologist (they knew this.)
my psychologist is another story though. I tried calling her after they gave me a prescription for benzos cause I've known people who take them and all and they scare teh shit out of me right? her receptionist would only pass messages along to her and then tried to schedule an appointment for thursday. i didn't want to wait till thursday, I wanted to talk to her about them then and now and it wouldn't have taken more then 10 minutes out of her day. my mom even called the receptionist and told her to tell the psychologist to at least call and talk to me for 10 minutes cause I was freaking the fuck out about the meds.
She never called.
I went thursday to the psychologist and she says her supervisor doesn't want her having contact with the patients outside of the scheduled therapy appointments. So I told her I didn't want to come anymore, she told me she has helped me more then I realize and that the last two times I was unable to make it things seemed to have escalated. So I told her flat out; my anxiety got out of control the first time, me talking to her would not have helped prevent that. the second time was the meds making me overly anxious and them recommending inpatient to me scared me even more.
I don't want to but I need to be made exempt from my job search shit otherwise I lose my food benefits and my health coverage and my doctor won't sign it cause "my psychologist knows me better" and I'm worried the psychologist won't sign off on it unless I keep appointments
>>24097663
I really need it though I do get anxious over everything and I am sad a majority of the time. But yeah I didn't want to go to inpatient at all for that very reason, not for the cost but because the people i've spoken to about that have been in there have said its the worse thing that ever happened to them.
>>24095850
what deck were you running?
>addict here. mtg is one of my many escapes from this horrible life.
>>24098822
well not dealing with people outside of the scheduled hours is probably important because if you have a large number of patients trying to get off hours time with you it would be a real mess
not that it matters anyway because doctors couldnt care less for your wellbeing
>>24098804
Why the fuck would you cut yourself?
>>24098919
Not them but I used to self harm for 4 years. Its to release tension
>>24098919
feeling pain is better than feeling nothing at all
how bad of a way to die would be slitting my wrist in the bathtub? it's pretty much my only option rn.
>>24099002
>>24099017
I guess I just can't relate. I use drugs to release tension. Felling euphoric is better than nothing or pain.
>>24098804
remember, down the road not across the street
>>24099074
Its hard to explain, you dont want to die but you feel there is no way to express how you are feeling.
Is 48 hours enough time to cram like fuck for an exam
2nd year zoology unit so pretty much all rote learning
If I keep procrastinating might have to do a Robin Williams
>>24097579
>can i go back and apologise
ahahahahahahahahahahahhahahaahhahahahahahahahahahahaha no
>>24099063
There's got to be a cleaner/less gruesome way to available to you.
>>24098804
just remember that you will eventually have an ugly scar there. and it's harder to hide it if it's on your forearm vs. on your leg
>>24099124
i could jump from the radio towers outside my house but they're guarded really well and i feel like i'd pussy out.
>>24099116
This right here.
Should I cut on top of my arm? I feel that would be cleaner since it's not as veiny up there.
>>24099116
>you don't want to die
There's my problem
>>24095850
Distracting myself with music/anime and thinking about music/anime
>>24099143
top of arm, I wouldnt go too deep no matter what. Infection risk.
I used to use a shaver on top of my arm and upper thigh and stomach
>>24099141
If you think you would pussy out, maybe you shouldn't kill yourself.
>>24099188
I have a box cutter I soaked in hand sanitizer. I am not a smart one.
>>24099202
i didn't think i'd actually do it tonight, but it'll definitely be sometime soon.
>>24099215
I wouldnt dig too deep anon.
WHY WAS I FORCED TO EXIST
WHY WAS I FORCED TO THINK, EMOTE, FEEL, STRUGGLE , AGE AND DIE? WHY IS LIFE THIS WAY? WHY IS EXISTENCE THIS WAY?
>>24099229
Any particular reason?
Another weekend night spent in my room on my computer while my roommate and his friends go out and get stoned and drunk as fuck
>tfw passed the introductory period of college and made zero friends
I'm fucked now, its impossible to make any now
Just end it
>>24099309
i don't want my mom to be upset. that's pretty much the only thing holding me back now, but i don't want to wait for her to die either.
>>24099276
Life is nothing more than creating more of you and then you die. To think there is anything more than that is just the lies we tell to keep going
it's time. I've got a knife and I'm gonna open up every vein I can get to tomorrow. im done. i quit.
>>24099350
So you dont think she would be upset by your dying?
Are you in treatment?
>>24099393
oh no i definitely think she'd be upset, which is why i don't want to right now. i'm not in treatment because i'm a neet with no money and i'm too scared to talk to her about it
>>24099350
You know what you must do
I kid.
>>24095850
just woke up its been a long work week finally get next 2 nights off, im going to try to do one productive thing this weekend. I feel like its a constant struggle everyweek like i think in my head oh if i clean my room and do all this then i wont be afraid of leaving my room anymore and i can feel motivated to eat healthier and have the room to workout and then i could do stuff in the outside world like talking to people and getting my drivers license and moving out of my parents house. But everytime i do get the energy to do something productive which is like 1 day a month or something i just fall down deeper into depression the next few days and can't do anything and usually triggers me back to binge drinking for a couple weeks and then my room gets messy again and everything just feels impossible. im just tired of this and ive been going through this same struggle for years now and i just feel so alone sitting in my room with nobody to help me and all they do is sit on the outside and judge you. I dont know how much longer i can do this to be honest
>>24099256
Didn't dig too deep. JUst grazed the first layer. The sting is nice.
>>24095850
I found out a missed an online quiz for my CS class. I'm shooting for a B right now. I've got a midterm in thermo physics on Monday that I'm not ready for. I'm not so motivated, but at least I'm doing things. I got accepted for a paid internship a few days ago, but I don't have much enthusiasm. It's a great offer, and I'm happy to have it, but I physically can't get excited about it.
>>24097610
Thats cool, too bad about not being happY :(
I would be way too stressed to enjoy it
>>24097786
I'm not sure, maybe mood swings?
>>24097935
whatcha on?
>>24097954
Fuck jace he'll be 20 buxx as soon as he rotates out. Then I'll get four
>>24098000
That is a bit silly, but I can understand in a weird way. Especially with Fallout Four and how its looking, doesn't look super hot imo
>>24098081
Men are hot though
Anwyas where did you meet her online?
what is a meme guitar
>>24098550
Where have you tried to fit in?
>>24098727
Shitty parents. You thought about therapy? Or talking to your doctor?
>>24098804
Resist it, its only temporary. I have friends who cut and they regret it more than it helps
>>24098822
Switch psychologists, switch meds. And benzos aren't bad if you don't take them more than a few times a week. Sorry I'm not much more help
>>24098862
Modern Jund.
>tfw magic cards are worth more than I am
>>24099063
Pretty shitty desu. Itll hurt and not go well most of the time
>>24099117
Yes Thats way more than enough time for lots of shit
>>24099119
Why not?
>>24099184
What music/anime do you liek?
>>24099276
Antinatalism is the way to be desu. Thrown into a shitty world blows
>>24099337
Nah man, never too late to make friends in college. I didn't make any though but I'm garbage
>>24099367
Whats wrong with your life anon? Whats got you like this?
>>24099522
One step at a time. DO small things, and they will add up. I'm the exact same way.
>>24099603
Just keep going anon, you're headed all the right ways
>>24099430
I think she'd prefer that you ask for help rather than have you kill yourself.
>>24099664
How does one "make friends"
Just walk up to someone and say "please let me hang out with you"?
God damn I'm so introverted yet so hate being alone. Why did I have be born like this.
>>24099729
i've been working up the nerve to talk to her about it the past couple of days. i think i might tomorrow or something
>>24099743
Find things in common. Hobbies are a fantastic way to meet people, thats how I did it.
>>24099664
>>24099522
i dont know man i do very very small things, like throw away all the cans in my room one day but they build back up so fast i just cant stay on a good track im not good enough to do this by myself i have no willpower
>>24098903
My mom told her (cause I couldn't talk by that point I was just crying) that all I wanted was 5-10 minutes of her time. She's not in the office I go to meet her for appointments otherwise.
>>24099664
My mom said I should as well. I just don't have the energy to go through this all again.
>>24099862
Do you have anyone who can help you? Support is important
>>24099894
Could you rely on her to do most of it for you?
Does anyone else here feel as if they're not even human? I see other people walking around and talking and I don't even feel as if I'm connected to them on any other level than the anatomical. I feel like I relate more to caricatures of characters in books, robots, video games... Why do I feel so isolated; why do I feel so different?
>>24099769
Do it. Tomorrow. Don't procrastinate.The sooner you get help, the better.
>>24099962
they won't let her; she already tried to find me a dentist through my insurance (i gave her the info) and they said it had to be they spoke to, not her.
>>24100044
How good are you at talking on the phone?
>>24100011
Sounds like depersonalization
>>24100011
You've got us, friend.
>>24100043
thanks man
(robot robot)
>>24100097
if its something like this, I will cry on the phone constantly lol. its great.
>>24099962
no i dont, my parents pretty much hate me and talk shit about me to themselves and other family members and they all trealt me weird. not really close to anyone at work and only friends are online and they dont really careand couldnt really do anything anyways since its not a real interaction
>>24100141
Have you ever practised talking on the phone?
>>24100245
:( I'm sorry anon, I'd support you if I could. Why do you rparents hate you?
>>24100416
I have; its just lately everything has gone to shit :'3
Basically admitted to my dad that I have absolutely no friends or social life.
Pretty much sucks.
>>24100416
im just a burden to them its a bad situation because my father is pretty abusive, mostly just earlier on in life and my mom never did anything and they know im depressed but they still kind of blame it on me and i just sit in my room and dont go to social or family events and they are older and just want me out of their life, i was an accident, they probably thought it would be just the 2 of them by now
>>24100478
<3 just keep holding on anon
>>24100489
What did he say?
>>24100524
Jesus, you need to get out of there if you can. SOunds awful
>>24100654
He didn't, but everything got quiet for a bit.
>>24100754
Do you have an interest in having a social life?
>>24100654
yeah it is pretty bad, its hard like i said you know i feel like i have to be able to conquer my inner problems of motivation to clean my room and be healthy and have some kind of willpower before i have confidence to go out into the world and get a car and my own place and stuff :\
>>24100766
I mean yeah I'd like one, but I never had any social skills and feel like I'm constantly bothering people just by existing.
>>24100847
Yeah, I understand. Keep at it anon, you have at least a start.
>>24100952
Feeling like that is only going to get you down, and probably prevent you from actually making friends.
>>24096514
Man, your list sounds a ton like my list of reasons that make me feel miserable. Worst part of it all is that, for the longest time, I had convinced myself that everyone else was a problem. Like I could manage by myself. Now that I've distanced nearly everyone, I see that I'm the broken one.
Even the desert part sounds like my escape plan, but mine is a bit more faggy because it solves nothing:
Sell everything I own or just give it away. Scrap car and use the money to get out into the desert. Stay there with some alcohol and my music for a few nights to watch the stars. Keep my gun close in case I decide to just call it quits right then and there.
As you can tell, my plan is more like a suicide, but that's why I'm not going to do it until I hit rock bottom. I'm not there yet, and it's a long way to go to get there, but we're still falling.
> friends arguing in skype chat about stupid bullshit
> all of them are private messaging me wanting me to take their side
> no one to play games with
> forced to be alone with my thoughts for hours
> completely miserable and alone
> Mentally exhausted but body isn't tired at all so can't even sleep
> Already fapped three times today, dick hurts, don't want to make it worse, so I can't even do that
>>24095850
>crippling depression thread
>normies crying over stupid shit
epin
>>24101930
What are they arguing about? Probably best to stay neutral.
Also what games do you play?
I usually try to ignore these kinds of threads, because I still stand by the fact that they solve nothing and just encourage those involved to remain sad and miserable, but I just spent the last four hours staring at a dark ceiling debating on whether or not to call anyone on my phone and beg for help or shoot myself with my shotgun or just get up and leave somewhere. I was so ready to just quit and I was (and still am) feeling so incredibly alone that I needed to have anybody to talk to.
I guess what I'm trying to say is this, and I know it's stupid to ask:
Do any of you feel like you need to scream or cry, but can't do it? Does anyone else here have themselves convinced that no one cares about how they feel? Does anyone else hate themselves so much for being as much of an emo bitch as they see themselves?
>>24102032
I dunno, I haven't read it because I really don't have the mental fortitude or energy to look through the entire shit show, but apparently something about language. One guy doesn't like one guy saying this and then another guy stepped in, they got all incensed, and they all started this big shit flinging political debate from what I can tell. I'm planning on staying neutral, if they wanna act like children they can but I have no interest in it.
Honestly I'm looking for a good game to sink some time into. Lately I've just been playing a lot of minecraft and listening to podcasts to while away the days until I'm probably gonna be disappointed by Fallout 4.
>Got pulled aside after NA group
>I never should have told them that i've been passively suicidal and slamming my head against the wall
>They wanted to put me in the hospital
>I refuse and we settle on an appointment with a therapist
>Clock stops working, miss my appointment
Am I fucked?
>drop out of highschool freshman year because social anxiety
>become lazy
>acquire depression
>don't homeschool
>gain 120~lbs in 4 years(19 now)
i'm feeling the post-notgoingtoschool, i've been feeling it
>>24102065
I've felt that way. I've had times before where I want to cry but I just cant. Same with screaming. Its so much effort.
Also who would you call if you did call someone?
>>24102107
Yeah sounds garbage desu. Yeah fallout 4 might suck, I'm just gunna torrent it just to make sure I don't regret it. I've been playing a lot of the Binding of Isaac recently
>>24102110
Whats an NA group? Also just call the therapist or whatever and apologise and explain the situation
>>24102133
DO you have any plans for the future?
>>24102169
i had a job in a kitchen for 3 days, then i quit because i had gained so much weight and my body had been idle for so long, it was hard (i'm 290 lbs and 5'8")
>>24102206
300ish isn't too bad, just have to exercise more and eat less, which to be honest is massive deal for us with depression. The only reason I am losing weight is because I can't eat much on my meds. Would you be willing to find another job? Maybe something that wouldn't require you to be on your feet all day?
>tfw fucked up another suicide attempt and living with parents again because of it
>tfw they still don't realize I'm a lost cause
>>24102292
i'm willing to find another job, but i maybe go outside my house once a month, my social anxiety is still bad for real life
has anyone ever heard of a successful story involving antidepressants
>>24102427
:(
Noone is a lost cause. HOw are you doing anon?
>>24102544
Maybe start trying to get out more? Slowly as not to overwhelm yourself?
>>24102601
Define successful
>>24102169
I don't know who I'd call. Probably just a number in this phone of a person I used to talk to but don't anymore. It can't be a family member, I can't cut ties with them as effectively. At the end of the day, it's still about preventing myself from getting too close to someone. I always need a panic button to severe all ties and run.
>>24102623
Why do you want to cut ties with your family?
>>24102619
>HOw are you doing anon?
Same as after my first attempt. Tired and sad and feeling like a useless burden. Really, the reasons I tried to do it in the first place. I should have gone to the park bathrooms or something to do it. Nobody would have found me there until it was too late.
>>24102666
Have you gotten any help or have your parents tried to help you at all?
>>24102679
They want me to start therapy again, but it never really helped in the first place. They keep hugging me but that just makes me cry.
>>24102756
What about meds? And I can understand you feeling sad about it, they just love you a lot and don't want anything bad to happen.
>>24102795
I was on medication for a while, it just made me numb. Couldn't afford it anymore when I lost my old job anyway.
>>24102644
Because people are hard to interact with. They don't understand, and they never can. More importantly, they get upset because dealing with me is a real hassle. I mean, why wouldn't it be? I'm so resistant to any sort of progress and my knee jerk reaction is to fight every bit of help. I don't know if it's some form of pride or just a complete willingness to not progress, but I fight tooth and nail against it.
Like I said, it's not necessarily the people that are the problem, but me. I cannot deal with the yelling and anger people have when they talk to me. I struggle with it, so I feel I need a way out of everything because of fears or something.
I guess I also can't love or like myself, so I cannot fathom why anyone else would.
anyone /depressedchadbot/ here?
can't stand to be around normies but feel compelled to be social even though I hate it and loath myself
>>24101056
i dont really have a start man, i think every year i get older i become more adjusted and accepting of the idea of killing myself, ive always had hope that things would turn out better for me but the hope is slowly dying ;_;
>>24103208
I excel in social interaction and for the most part everybody loves me but I can't help thinking they all hate me because of how much I hate myself
I'm probably the biggest failure in this thread.
>>24102828
I understand. What were you on?
>>24103159
You need to stop the fighting against change. It's really only making you more miserable than you should be. And yeah, loving yourself is the first step oftentimes
>>24103208
Who would you like to be around?
>>24103434
Don't let it die man. Keep at it. Keep trying.
>>24103537
Why do you say that?
>>24103659
>I understand. What were you on?
Prozac. Tried some others before, and they were even less helpful. Honestly, I'd rather hurt than feel nothing, anyway.
>tfw i realize that my younger brother is the closest person to my ideal self
>tfw my brain is actively rejecting the notion that i will be love by anybody
Everytime I've tried to take a painless route (i.e. helium method) I've had a seizure which knocks the mask off of my face. I'm out of helium now so there's no use trying it again. I feel like I should just stay in bed forever at this point since there's no use in getting up to be a disabled leech.
