This picture describes me quite well. I'm a schizoid autistic extreme introvert loner. I literally derive no pleasure in relationships of any kind. Being around my family is even draining for me. I constantly feel tired and drained of energy. But, yet I crave to have a social life just to "fit in" and be normal. Its painful to be on normiebook and see all of the normies having fun and socializing with their model tier pictures. They always look so aesthetically perfect. My pictures are creepy and I took down many of them.
Used to have psychosis. Was obsessed with Kaballah and magick and all that /x/ tier junk. Am now a veritable zombie from too many antidepressants.
I don't know if I have any mental illness and I'm sure people will comment that I'm a failed normie and should gtfo.
I enjoy relationships but I'm extremely isolated. I'm abrasive and can't stop sniping at people. I place insane demands on new friends and act like a creep until they cut me off. I think I have borderline personality.
My limited social situation always seems precarious. I am terrified of fucking things up, blowing through my remaining social capital, and having nothing left to live for. In the space of the last two months, I had thought I had met a really good new friend who is local. We chatted a bunch and I saw her in person a couple times. Currently, she hasn't responded to me for over a week so I've stopped pinging her, and I don't see any way of repairing whatever I fucked up. How do you fix things with someone who won't talk to you?
blog etc, whatever
>>29918184
Normies don't deal with mental illness. You're a robot. Anyways, I'd just forget about her man. You can do like me and just be detached but don't get too detached like me. I literally don't give a fuck about anything except work. But work is a way for me to keep my mind busy and I get moneys.
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>>29918061
Can you explain what psychosis is actually like?
>>29918333
Yeah I know. I'm learning to just let people go. Ironically, that course of action gives you the best chance of eventually repairing things. Being a creep digs the hole deeper rapidly.
In my case, I'm fairly dependent on social validation at this point. Maybe I can eventually learn not to be. I have very few close friends so that kind of turnaround in such a short time is a fucking stab in the heart.
Thanks for the (You) though. I really just need people to talk to while I sort this shit out. I'm not a robot by the extreme definitions since I've had a gf in the past.
>bpd and bipolar
I don't even know why we bother have these threads, honestly. They're never about support, they're always just about calling each other's conditions a meme and other assorted trolling tactics.
Any other bpd and/or bipolar bros out there tonight? Drugs usually make my mood swings worse, but dropping acid for the first time has seriously helped me. I feel more calm and able to regulate my emotions more easily ever since coming down from it. Ecstasy has helped me be more secure in my friendships, too, as well as being more comfortable with being outgoing, even after coming down.
Any experiences with drugs that have helped you guys?
>>29918343
p cool actually, anon. warning to others, though, it's a scary face, so don't click if that shit would bother you
>>29918343
Reminds me of smiledog.jpg. good ole creepypastas.
>ADHD and Autism.
I just feel like I'm super isolated. Like, I know how to not be a social autist and talk to people but I never feel like I am one with the people, always just like, there while everyone else is part of a group.
tl;dr >feel like i'm at a party no one invited me to
>>29918399
>I'm fairly dependent on social validation at this point
Not that anon, but I feel the same way.
>Maybe I can eventually learn not to be
In my experience, it's not something you learn not to be, but rather something you learn to cope with
>I have very few close friends
Why do you feel that is? Is it that you're shutting yourself off so that you don't get hurt?
Also, why did she stop responding to you?
>>29918407
>>29918184 here
(Maybe read the thread before trashing it? This one hasn't gotten much activity.)
I don't have any diagnosis but I'm just getting back into therapy now.
I'm glad you have found something that works for you. It's an amazingly shitty situation to be in. I will copy your suggestions to a note for myself.
>>29918407
Don't know about LSD, but it seems pretty harmless compared to most other rec drugs. Just dont do it if you're paranoid or depressed because you'll have a bad trip. Ecstacy will fry your serotonin receptors and you won't experience pleasure. If you're already depressed, you'll feel worse and if you over do it, you can't reverse it.
>>29918480
>I will copy your suggestions to a note for myself.
If you mean the drug stuff, just be careful, anon. The reason it was such a positive experience for me was because I was able to do it with people I was comfortable with and knew well. I could constantly feel the trip/high teeter between being bad and good and I had to focus on keeping it positive. Those same people helped me keep in good spirits, too. I do hope you have the same opportunity, it was very helpful.
>(Maybe read the thread before trashing it? This one hasn't gotten much activity.)
But they always end up the same, though. I always stick around for every mental illness thread I come by on here, but they never cease to disappoint me every single time. I'm not even looking for a hugbox, but these threads can be straight up harsh to the exact people that really don't need that.
>>29918493
I still have some x left, but I'm wary about using it, because of what you mentioned. I usually get depressed during summer and it was getting worse every day, but after doing those two drugs the last few weeks, I actually feel a lot better when I'm sober.
>>29918475
>Why do you feel that is? Is it that you're shutting yourself off so that you don't get hurt?
No. I'm too open and I overwhelm people and they become avoidant. It's a pattern that has happened repeatedly, but I guess each time I am better able to recognize earlier and earlier stages, and take better steps to prevent it.
>Also, why did she stop responding to you?
I started being a creep. Lots of suggestions of stuff for us to do in person came up and never panned out. I started bothering her excessively about them while she claimed to be too busy. Maybe she was, I don't know. I expressed romantic interest as well, later on, but backed off when she said she was not looking for anything currently (she's poly and in a relationship (inb4 cuck)). I think that helped seal the demise.
She was actually the first one to make a suggestion of something for us to do though so I'm a bit dumbfounded how much I fucked that up.
This is me too >>29918350 (is that how I create a link to a different thread?)
>>29918538
Yeah, I would only try it in a safe environment with someone looking out for me.
>I'm not even looking for a hugbox, but these threads can be straight up harsh to the exact people that really don't need that.
Yeah, I understand. It seems worth sorting through the shitposters for people who genuinely understand your situation in life though. I'm not too sensitive to trolling and shitposts though.Also, I'm here for the hugbox.
>>29918370
It is exactly like being obsessed with Kaballah and magick.
>>29918555
This is probably not the healthiest tip, but what helps me with stopping myself from repeatedly trying to contact someone is building a wide network of friends. That way, you can contact plenty of people all the time without ever feeling like you're constantly bothering a single person.
>Also, I'm here for the hugbox.yeah, i was lying, that's exactly what i come here for
Do you ever feel manipulative? Recently, a friend told me that I saved her life one night (details aren't exactly important), and I felt nothing. I knew I was 'supposed' to gush over it and shower her with attention, but it was like I just didn't care. It's like I don't care about people, all I care about is if they love me or not. I've only ever felt that love feeling for maybe a couple of people, and only one of them was an actual constant love, not one that just sort of fades in in specific moments.
>>29918684
>building a wide network of friends
Yes, I'm trying to do that, but it's slow work. Actually, the primary thing keeping my attention off that person (A) is a second person (B) I met and asked out at A's 4th of July party. (B said yes.)
As long as I'm talking to someone and not fighting, I feel pretty good. Even this right now is really helpful. Depending if I had a good interaction or not, that can last for a while or not. If I become neurotic when nobody is around to talk to, I get pretty bad anxiety pretty quick - not panic attack level, but fairly bad - or even suicidal, and start hounding people for attention online.
>Do you ever feel manipulative?
Yes. That's uncanny; I can relate a lot to that. I'm extremely ambivalent about people. I think if I loved someone who died I would grieve, but might otherwise feel nothing or even laugh.
I don't intentionally do anything to hurt others though and am wounded by my inability to have many amicable relationships.
>>29918860
You know, I'm probably overthinking this anyway. The last thing A said to me was "I'm glad you came" at the party. She hasn't replied to me online since, which is a marked change from before, but not something I can read much into.
I'm going to not contact her anymore though and hope she invites me to another event.
>>29918684
Me again
I think we're the only ones left here. You seem to have some good insight on this stuff.contactfag? somefagr9k at gmail
>>29918407
>>29918493
Bipolar Type I lurking. Drugs ain't ever helped me with anything, I just take them to get massively fucked up. That said though, acid seems to treat me quite gently, especially when compared to MDMA and stimulants (meth is a one-way trip to psychosis central station in psych-ward city). I find this ironic seeing as it is the one psychedelic that DOES have action on dopamine receptors, which are usually associated with serious psychotic effects such as paranoia and delusions. In a weird way, I think its broad action makes it the best choice. Maybe it resets the regulation of our receptors somehow, in the way that anti-psychotics do? The idea that LSD may be an extraordinary, NON TOXIC treatment for manic-depression makes me both very sad and very angry. I take Seroquel nigga, I am surprised I do not have hypertension and diabetes right now.
Clinical trials should have been going on for decades if it weren't for the United States. Keeping with it's self-appointed mandate of bringing Freedom to the rest of the world, I am now Free to take nothing but anti-psychotics and eat shit.
Also, if you are a BPD grill please be in LONDON. I'm a perfect match when I'm manic.
>>29918370
Not very well, but I'll try.
You can look up all the symptoms on whatever site you choose, but the one thing that isn't really mentioned is how the phenomena associated with psychosis seem to bypass the frontal lobe entirely. You do not actively think bizarre things, and you do not physiologically hear voices. When the hallucination or delusion occurs, it feels as if it has almost already happened. You accept the truth of your perception before thinking about it; only afterwards can you unravel the experience and realise that it was false.
Hearing voices is a particularly dear example of mine, because I finally became aware of the experience of "sound". It took hearing without using my ears to understand what it feels like to hear. I can distinguish the buzzing in my ear, the pressure on my eardrum, especially when I imagined the sound as loud (my voices fucking shout, Jesus). Imagine hearing a shout in an utter vacuum, it's a really eerie experience.
With paranoid delusions, it is a similar thing, except utterly terrifying. They're trying to poison me through the air vents, you've got to get out. You're way past the point where evidence is necessary, but you were convinced before you had even thought about it. With manic delusions, ideas just occur to you, and they are all revelation. In fact, both tin-hat paranoid and manic delusions have something in common; they both occur as a sense of finally putting the pieces together. Everything that seemed mundane just a moment ago has special significance. How this manifests itself can vary, but I suppose my underlying comment on delusions is that schizophrenics and manic-depressives both suffer from "loose associations". We make connections that don't actually make sense. That's why we seem like rambling madmen when talking to sane people. In our minds, things are very certain, but in reality they do not logically follow one another.
>>29919580
>Not very well
i think you did a good job. it was interesting to read.
are you still on the antidepressants? i got off them a little while ago and though my emotions are still fucked, i'm not as zombie as i used to be.
also, interesting about the hearing voices. i have something similar but probably not the same thing. things are sometimes being said in my head but i'm aware that it's somehow coming from me. still sucks when it won't go away though. you can try to cover your ears but it doesn't help. but i think these are just severe intrusive thoughts for me, not hallucinations. luckily, it doesn't happen that often.
>>29919720
>anti-depressants
Ah, I'm not the same poster. I'm Bipolar Type I, if I go on anti-depressants I'll go floridly manic. Every single time. I'm pretty sure that, at least for me, anti-depressants aren't liable to turn you into a zombie. On the other hand, I take anti-psychotics, which do indeed sedate you to fuck. I take mine at night; if I took mine during the day (as is common with acute episodes) I would be absolutely incapable of even simple daily functioning, and would preferably be in a ward where the nurses can deal with my shit and give me Ativan PRN "to deal with side effects".
Anti-psychotics are the love-hate of psychiatric drugs. You hate taking them, hate the side effects, hate the metabolic problems, hate having to be on daily anti-psychotics that just serve to remind you how low you've fallen and how totally fucked you are in the head. BUT, when you or a loved one is manic, climbing the fucking walls and a danger to themselves or others, then you cannot imagine the relief you feel when you get your hands on olanzapine and shove it down his throat until the Seraphim are no longer discussing how he's the Messiah.
>things are sometimes being said in my head >you can try to cover your ears but it doesn't help.
When you describe things as "being said" and saying you "cover your ears", that suggests that they really ARE auditory hallucinations and not just intrusive thoughts. How long have they been occuring? Are there any conditions under which they become more frequent/intense? Bear in mind the psychotic disorders often have a long "prodromal" phase (0.5-1 years) where symptoms become increasingly frequent before turning into a full-blown episode. It's difficult to pick out symptoms when you haven't been to a psychiatrist who can help you with this. My advice is to talk to a doctor: rather safe than very sorry.
>tfw I've been off my anti-psychotics for one day
>tfw I can't leave the house to get more
>tfw the radio ears have started again
>>29920148
Sorry bro, have someone call the psychiatrist for you. Hopefully they're not talking to you through the TV just yet ):
>>29918018
I'm completely removed from reality and a broken human being. I only know one person in the entire world, my dad. He allowed me to give up on life when I was 12 and stay in this room forever. I'm 20 now. The outside world ceased to exist a LONG time ago. Everything I know about reality is from the internet. My mother stopped calling to make her cold robotic pitiable small talk a long time ago. The only thing I can think about these days while I'm alone in my pitch black room laying in this bed is how disappointed I am. I keep seeing happy families and siblings in the stuff I read. That's my dream. To have a happy family. Then I think about how my older sisters ignored me and never spoke to me my entire life. How they're complete normies with husbands, jobs and kids even though they're close to the same age as me, and that they're best friends. I kind of hate them. Ok, I really do. I don't blame them though. Someone like me? Just throw me in the garbage. I don't exist. Really, I don't see how anyone could care about me. The idea of someone caring about me makes me sick, because my existence is a disgusting disappointment to the universe. My mother's side of the family is all on good terms with each other. My father's family is all dead. Me and my dad are alone. My parents got divorced and everyone accepted it except dad. My dad was alone and was abandoned by everybody and on the verge of suicide and crying in his apartment every day, and I was the only one who walked the miles to see him every night. When my mom remarried I left in the night and have lived here ever since. My entire teenage years passed me by just like that, in complete isolation. My dad went insane. I fantasize about blowing my brains out and the expressions people would make. I hope they cry. Not fake normie tears. I already fucked up killing myself once and nobody cared. They'd probably just make a post on their normiebook and that would be my worth to them. I am laughing in hell.
>>29918018
>schizoid
>craves social life
I think you got the wrong disorder buddy, sounds like Avoidant Personality Disorder.
>self diagnosing
Unsurprisingly, this applies to most /r9k/ posters.
>>29918018
You're fooling yourself, literally all human beings on the planet crave social interaction.
You do to, you are not a special snowflake
Go talk to people. It's easy.
It's a skill you learn, just like any other. Just like playing the piano, or standing up on a surfboard. It just takes practice, practice, practice. Some people have a greater talent than others, but everyone can learn it to a moderate degree
>off my antipsychotics and all meds for 3 years and completely fucking fine
>avoid work
>avoid stress
>avoid smoking weed to cope with said stress
>live a healthy, unzombified life
nice meme psychiatric system
still need disability though
>>29920649
Not OP, but I kinda don't agree with you.
>talking to people is a skill
I'd say how well you get on with others is mostly down to being compatible with them. All normies have so many things in common, in terms of interests, values, opinions, sense of humor and so on, which makes it very easy for them to become friends and have common ground to use in social situations.
I feel like a lot of robots do just what you said - "go out and talk to people" and it fucking sucks for them - they'll be bored, made fun of, feel like they need to do things they wouldn't do normally. And then they blame themselves for not fitting in, for not having "social skills". The reality of it is that it mostly isn't "social skills" that are the problem, but just lacking common ground with the majority of people, which causes them to be ignored and cast out.
>everyone desires social interaction
Agreed, bar some actually mentally ill people. Although a big part of why robots want social interaction is because they associate it with being "normal" and not being seen as weirdo/creep. I.e. they don't want to socialise because it's pleasurable in itself (in the context of trying to fit in with normies), they want it because of the validation it will yield.
>>29920649
He's sick you dumb fuck. If the mechanism behind that "social craving" isn't working, there's nothing he can do about it.
>>29920691
>>29920807
Jesus Christ normies gtfo.
>>29920691
There is always this one cunt. I swear, the next shithead who tells me "bro just get off those meds, they're what's fucking you up. My cousin's husband's sisters friend went off all her meds and she's been fine for two weeks...". Fuck you, I stop taking my meds, I go psychotic and get hospitalised, you're a drain on welfare.
>>29918018
>Schizoid personality disorder
Characterised by a profound lack of interest in forming social bonds, which manifests itself according to what would be regarded as "negative" sympoms of schizophrenia, i.e. blunted affect, poverty of speech, clinical lack of motivation with regards to socialising.
>Schizotypal personality disorder
Characterised by having profound difficulty in maintaining social relationships, usually due to bizarre beliefs reminiscent of "positive" symptoms of schizophrenia i.e. conspiracy theories, mysticism. Also derailment of conversation and loss of goal, difficulty in maintaining a common train of thought with people which often leads to social withdrawal.
Both of these disorders are plainly manifest and the person is quite obviously strange. Schizoid personalities desire isolation from others and have no interest in a "social life". The Schizoid is not at the party. The Schizoid does not know the party happened, because the Schizoid has never even had Facebook. Schizotypal personalities loathe interaction because they are cannot engage in structured rapport, and expressing their odd beliefs often results in them being shunned. This guy is at the party a rambling on passionately about how the moon landing was faked by the Jews (it can't be coincedence!) and not realising that nobody is listening and nothing prompted the discussion.
>>29918407
>I don't even know why we bother have these threads, honestly
Neither, it's pretty much just as you said, trolling, and also people attention seeking about their disorders, as well as acting like experts and diagnosing others.
That's the part that annoys me most honestly, that people might convince others they've got these very serious conditions when they have no authority to do so, and no psychiatrist would diagnose off a few symptoms in one post. Also the stupid "medication doesn't work" stuff, when it demonstrably does.
>>29919580
I agree with everything you've said, but not the part about you not actually experiencing the things, because that's not true. Delusions start from general confusion with reality, and attributing unrealistic traits to them (There's a message in the radio, that person was staring at me because they feel a certain way about me), and then it develops into full blown delusional thoughts. There is a thought pattern being followed, but it's not a rational one.
And as to hallucinations, that's completely false in every case I've ever seen. You actually do see, hear, feel or smell whatever the hallucination is.
Though based on the rest of your statement I'm feeling like this is something you also think, and just explained it badly. I'd put it more as it not being a logical conclusion you draw from evidence, but simply the only one that makes sense to your disordered mind. Because you are actually thinking bizarre things actively, they just don't appear bizarre to you. So the associations that draw that can allow delusions to form (They don't always just happen out of the blue) seem like logical ones to you, but not to anyone else, as you sort of said.
You put the rest absolutely correctly though.
>>29921996
Actually, upon reading some of your later posts, I think we're talking about different forms of psychosis. It can definitely be the way you're describing in manic patients, their mind moves too fast and is too disordered to have any buildup to delusion generally, and it is just a sudden misinterpretation of stimuli. Or misappropriation might be a more accurate term.
A schizophrenic patient can build up to a delusion over a period of time, starting off with just referential thoughts, to minor "people are keeping stuff from me, people stare at me when I go outside" sort of stuff, and onto more severe delusions and eventually the sort of completely not based in reality ones more common in severe patients.
>>29918018
You're a good example of what was being spoken about, with self diagnosis. If you're just lonely and tired and wish you had a more social style of life, you're likely just depressed, not schizoid. You should see a doctor, don't just read a wikipedia article or list of symptoms and go "Yeah that's me"
>>29918018
That picture describes me pretty well too. I'm a fucking tree.
>>29918018
You are not autistic or schizoid
>>29918061
how do antidepressants make you a zombie?
>>29918018
I suffer from autism and psychosis
currently on sertraline 150mg for anxiety, olanzapine 20mg for psychosis
>>29922114
Yeah, I'm a powerline personally.
>>29922128
They don't, the whole "anti-depressants will kill your emotions motivation and make you impotent" thing is a meme. The only one recognised as a side effect in anti-depressants is some sexual dysfunction, which usually isn't complete inability to get an erection.
Trust your doctor, get info off him (they have to provide a sheet of info if you ask, most will even if you don't), and then ask your pharmacist if you're not sure, they'll also provide information for you. There's a reason that these people spend years in highly competitive schools before they're allowed to treat you, and it's not because of the jews, or that some retards on 4chan know better.
Also, in case you haven't already, exercise regularly, in mild to moderate cases of depression (which you nearly definitely are, severe is quite rare) it cures between 60-70% of cases, and is considered extremely important in treating severe depression.
>>29921996
I didn't mean to imply that hallucinations weren't sensory; they are, after all, sensory phenomena. It is that fact that seperates them from abstract thoughts. On the other hand, they aren't deliberate perception. The lack of connection between actually listening to a sound and being made to hear it is bizzare on reflection. That last sentence may or may not make sense. I do however understand the nonsensical ideas of reference. That plus paranoia is probably one of my least favourite things in the world, since that DOES build up in that insidious way where one illusionary reference only vindicates the pre-existing paranoia. I personally manage avoid this most of the time, but it's really ugly when its displayed by someone you care about.
"Psychosis" is so broad it could mean any combination of a number of disparate symptoms. But yes, I am after all a manic-depressive, so I feel more in touch with the kind of psychosis that accompanies mania. The manic thoughts make perfect sense within your own mind. The individual snippets may be logical (not necessarily plausible), but the speech and thought are so disordered that you barely get a sentence before you jump immediately to the next thought with no time in between. Mania tends to put you in "coming up with delusions" on warp speed cruise control with no steering.
Generally I get along fine with schizophrenics. The hebephrenic ones are fun, despite the communication difficulties. Paranoid ones can be interesting if they're not freaking out too much. But some schizophrenics I have met have just made utterly bizzare and patently untrue statements very soberly, without a hint of mania. Thinking things that just don't make sense. I don't know what to make of these people, and they scare me. Bear in mind that I usually meet schizophrenics in the ward ):Have you had have patients yourself? R u a doctor sempai?
>>29920845
>>29921705
You're retarded and want a pity party wahhh I'm worse than you.
Fuck off.
>>29922175
>olanzapine 20mg
shit son, I'm sorry, that's rough
>>29922185
Anti-depressant side effects are a meme. As for sexual side effects, I had to beat my dick like it owed me money, and it still took me 2 hours to jack off. If I had a girlfriend, I probably would have collapsed from exhaustion before I came. If you're currently a bit quick off the draw, then welcome to being a latin lover.
i used to struggle a lot with depression, then i struggled with psychosis. now i'm back to depression but it's getting pretty bad lately
i think i'm going to take some ephedrine or run an EC stack to see if it'll fix me
>>29922720
>shit son, I'm sorry, that's rough
It's better than being how I was without the meds
>>29922625
>>29922625
>On the other hand, they aren't deliberate perception. The lack of connection between actually listening to a sound and being made to hear it is bizzare on reflection. That last sentence may or may not make sense.
I think I understand you somewhat. Like you're saying you're not choosing to hear these things, there's no intent in them happening, it just randomly does? Though I do think it's worth noting that your hallucinations are somewhat based on your mind set. Voices are most obvious, a manic person is unlikely to have voices insulting him, and a depressed psychotic won't have voices going "You're the son of god, you're perfect and can't fail". I think you just worded it a bit like "You don't really hear it" the first time.
>"Psychosis" is so broad it could mean any combination of a number of disparate symptoms.''
Definitely true, you can get all sorts of different kinds of psychosis, it presents in an insane (no pun intended) amount of ways.
>The manic thoughts make perfect sense within your own mind. The individual snippets may be logical (not necessarily plausible), but the speech and thought are so disordered that you barely get a sentence before you jump immediately to the next thought with no time in between.
Yeha, there's definitely similarities. Each thought a schizophrenic has will usually make sense to them, but not necessarily be a logical reaction to the circumstances. As in they're not just thinking gibberish (usually, some are so disordered they seem to be, or at least can't vocalise much but that), but the overall pattern doesn't make much sense.
>>29922625
> But some schizophrenics I have met have just made utterly bizzare and patently untrue statements very soberly, without a hint of mania. Thinking things that just don't make sense.
Yeah, it can be really hard to feel okay with talking to people that just are disconnected from reality. These patients are usually hard to treat, as in they end up in the wards again and again, and often experience bizarre delusions (like thinking they're dead, just shit that obviously can't be real), which can be unsettling for other patients. Which is obviously an issue. Generally it's just that they upset the other patients, but at its worst the delusion can spread somewhat if it's related to the ward, which is incredibly tough to handle, as you have to separate the patients completely otherwise they just reinforce the belief in each other. This isn't very common though, it's rare for patients so vulnerable to suggestion to end up in normal wards for very long.
>Have you had have patients yourself? R u a doctor sempai?
Nurse in a psych ward, so I don't really treat patients, but you pick up bits an pieces from being around psychiatrists and psych patients all the time. Not an expert by any means though.
I'm a guy too, before some retard assumes I'm female.
>>29922720
>Anti-depressant side effects are a meme.
Anti-depressants are certainly very mild medications unless you're on MAOI's. Generally though, worst you'll get from SSRI's is a bit of nausea and headaches in your first few weeks.
>>29922937
>you're not choosing to hear these things, there's no intent in them happening, it just randomly does?
Pretty much. The bypassing-the-brain thing is the most jarring thing. They are just so immediately convincing; but you actually can't engage your brain to process them. You can't really "listen" to the voices, but you can hear precisely what they said as clear as day (I can usually tell who said it as well). It always seems a little like its in the past; you can never catch the voice to talk with it because at that point your higher functions just aren't there. It does leave you feeling kind of helpless and violated, having these experiences shoved into your brain without you consent. I didn't ask for this shit.
>I do think it's worth noting that your hallucinations are somewhat based on your mind set.
Oh yes, mood is a major factor, especially for manic depressives. Luckily I'm not liable to be psychotic during really depressive phases (I'm threatening mixed/manic almost all the all the time), but I've heard the voices can be very dark. Constantly reminding you of your worthlessness and guilt. I wonder what schizophrenics with heavy negative symptoms do?
Voices tend to shout at me angrily when I'm manic though, I don't know why but it's apparently my style or something. Unsurprisingly, they're worst at night and especially when I'm trying to sleep. This is what quetiapine and lorazepam were made for.
>>29922996
>These patients are usually hard to treat, as in they end up in the wards again and again, and often experience bizarre delusions
A friend of mine just recently went in, also completely bizzare. My psychiatrist told me to stay the hell away from her before she fucks my shit all the way into mixed/manic. Man, she's bad, second time this year. I kinda knew it already, but it's sad to hear that she's going to be "in-n-out" for a long time. I'm staying at home and hammering valproate and quetiapine till this shit blows ogre.
>it can be really hard to feel okay with talking to people that just are disconnected from reality.
I'm better at it than most people, but that's just because most people have no experience with serious mental illness whatsoever. Sometimes I glimpse the world through their eyes, before I knew any of this, and we must seem so surreal. We've had to become so vigilant and cognizant of our illness that we intrinstically normalise it. Maybe the nurse-sempais (let's be honest, the nurses are the sempais in the ward) have normalised it a bit as well. But I see the effect it has on the friends and family, and it's really fucking tragic. There is some very real grief there, parents losing their children to illness, a sense of hopelessness and occasional despair. It's pretty cruel. I deeply appreciate all the nurse-sempais, I hope we make the job worth it somehow.
On /r9k/ you are E-nursing though.
>>29923926
>>29923926
>you can never catch the voice to talk with it because at that point your higher functions just aren't there
You see, that's interesting you say that, because some patients do report some level of ability to reply to the voices they hear, though it's not in the same way as a full on conversation.
>I wonder what schizophrenics with heavy negative symptoms do?
From my experience, the more disordered a patient gets, the more disordered their hallucinations do. As in it's less sentences and just words or noises, or based off whatever they're delusional about. Not auditory, but it's actually not unheard of for psychotic patients reporting extreme loneliness to feel as if they have a person lying next to them, a tactile hallucination.
>Voices tend to shout at me angrily when I'm manic though, I don't know why but it's apparently my style or something.
I was mostly just generalising, mania can include really heightened anger as well as I'm sure you know, so that happens to. There's a decent spectrum for any mood really.
>>29924063
>Man, she's bad, second time this year. I kinda knew it already, but it's sad to hear that she's going to be "in-n-out" for a long time.
She may not be, don't get me wrong. The reason those patients tend to be in and out is that they have a tendency of not having as many negative symptoms (which can remain despite meds), and going "Oh, I'm fine now" and then stopping their meds. Which pretty much never goes well.
I agree with your psychiatrist though, being around mentally ill people is always triggering (in the legit use of the word, not the tumblr one) for anyone, let alone someone with a pre-existing condition.
>>29919543
kek, a manic with a bpd. I could see nothing going wrong with that situation.
I've came to conclusion that I'm completely Neurotic. For years I've wondered what exactly has been wrong with me and neurosis fits the bill perfectly. Anxiety, always thinking about negative things, no self worth, inability to adapt and cope with new stressors, etc. Last night I had another panic attack filled with complete hopelessness and I gave in and took a Valium to get my mind to shut the fuck up with all the bad thoughts just cycling through my head over and over again. It was one of the worst I've had. It's ridiculous. All that triggered it was planning to go out the next day.
>>29924063
> Maybe the nurse-sempais have normalised it a bit as well
Some do, and you're trained to some degree to be able to handle stuff, there's a way they teach you to act and what to expect, but the job has a high turnover, people go into other fields a lot. It's pretty cushy if you can handle it though, most of what you do is just emotional support and writing down your observations.
>But I see the effect it has on the friends and family, and it's really fucking tragic
It really is, it's why I'm in the field really. Other forms of illness people learn to handle, it only really hurts the sick person actively, but mental illness just really rips families apart, or individual people.
>I hope we make the job worth it somehow.
Seeing the difference in someone between when they come in and when they leave is an incredibly satisfying thing, as well as the rare times you hear about the long term results of a patient.
An example that sticks out was a man that had been in and out of the wards pretty much the whole time I've been there, and apparently ages before it too, really terrible bipolar type 1 and a huge drug habit as well. Well, he stopped checking in a couple years back, but we not that long ago had the boyfriend of his daughter in, which is an insane coincidence. The guy was pretty psychotic and was in for violence, but was quite nice apart from that, and was coherent, and told one of the nurses (no idea how it came up, likely talking about the girlfriend) about the original guy, and how well he was doing, that he was head of the local NA group, really stable and doing well. It's those sort of moments that make all the difficult patients and long nights of having to get up and walk the halls every 15 minutes worth it honestly.
>>29918018
Schizoaffective here. I have been experiencing Alice in Wonderland Syndrome due to my insomnia.
>>29924996
Explain. What did you see ?
I'm cripplingly isolated due to a lack of motivation to pursue relationships, but I've always felt I'm just incredibly sensitive by nature and have always felt like an outsider even when I had a seemingly normal social life as a kid, like I would have one or two close friends but superfluous in other social environments.
I experienced some panic attacks when I was around 12 and various psychosomatic ailments which affected my breathing and heart rate, and I've been on Sertraline (Zoloft) ever since.
However, I'm confident I have some kind of depression or schizoidal condition. I've gone for seven years with a lack of social relationships besides with my family and one good friend I made last year in college. Besides that I have almost zero motivation to pursue friendships with other people, but while I would describe myself as a loner, I feel "loneliness" only occasionally. I would like a sexual/romantic relationship but I have particular standards but no desperation, so I'm just content with jacking off.
Besides that I've maintained a facade of normality by taking care of my appearance, doing ok in school, and holding down a part-time, seasonal job for a couple years. I no longer experience severe social anxiety, I like to describe myself as quiet but not shy. I'm just sort of meandering through life at this point, waiting to find something I can throw all my energy and intellect at. I've learned that I can't motivate myself for purely selfish reasons, there has to be a higher purpose or cause for most everything that I do. I do watch my diet and try to do some exercise, but while I've established good dietary habits I can't fall into the addiction to exercise that my parents have.
Any kindred spirits?
