Young Adventurer Quest
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At the side of the great grey Windriver Mountains, behind a dark and little-explored forest of pine, stand two marble pillars, their tops obscured by a growth of vegetation. Vines climb over their surface, and at their bases are small pieces of rubble. Between them grows a small tree which blocks your view of the doorway, which opens on to a staircase that descends down into the earth. It is quiet and a chill breeze rushes over you from the mountains.
>What is your sex and class, adventurers?
>>361275
Any gender, it's no one's business what's in our pants anyways, we're too high class to fornicate with them anyways.
>>361328
We felt like wearing our finest dress today. So technically we aren't wearing pants, but still, we don't mind being called she or he or it. We are high class, and we don't mind.
>>361383
Admire ancient architecture.
>>361404
Whilst you have the time, you figure it would be good to appreciate the artwork of the ancient culture that produced this building. Perhaps you could write a poem about it. Or, less boring, find some secret loot stashed away. The pillars are marble and still shine white in the sun, though they are in part obscured by the leaves of numerous plants that climb upon them. Some of these plants have produced yellow flowers. The pillars, whilst not ruined persay, are in a state of disrepair - though it seems that they were originally smooth cylinders, small chunks of them have been dislodged by rain and root, and have fallen to the ground. Leafy shrubs have taken root all around the area. You look around for suitably figurative decaying statues but find none. What you do find, however, is a glass bottle of golden brown liquid.
>>361523
>a glass bottle of golden brown liquid
No highborn lady/gentleman would be caught without a basic knowledge of alchemy, at the very least, we know how to identify alchemical substances. A skill second only to our less noble skill of disguise. Identify the fluid.
>>361654
You hold the bottle up to the light and watch the sunlight scatter through the liquid. Taking out the cork and wafting a small amount towards your nose, in proper alchemical fashion, a strong alcoholic fume confirms your suspicion that this liquid is whisky. Of how it came to be here, lying on its side underneath the low canopy of a shrub; or its age or quality; or its provenance and distillery, you can only guess. Any wrapper it might have had has long since been removed by the rain.
>>361716
Re-cork the whisky and enter the dungeon, taking the whisky with you.
[spoiler[I meant to name this quest Young Dungeoneer Quest.[/spoiler]
>>361798
You descend down the marble staircase, which leads a short way down into the mountain, into a cave. There is a small, square wooden table and several four-legged wooden stools which are neither especially high nor unusually low. There are several barrels standing upright in the corner of the room, and at the end of the room is a smaller doorway, though it looks to be easily large enough for you to pass through - if it were not boarded up with planks of nailed wood, which it is.
>>361943
Examine everything in the room, also, what time is it?
>>361957
You know that it will be easy to lose track of time now that you have entered this... warren. But when you entered the doorway, it was the evening and the sun's warmth and brightness had faded as it descended towards the horizon. Turning your mind back to business, you examine the room in greater detail. The table and stools, as well as the barrels, are all made of a light wood which you identify easily as pine - you burnt much of it on your campfires on your journey through the forest. There are some knotholes in the furniture, and parts of it have been cut against the grain. The stools appear to have been fashioned from single sections of tree-trunk, whereas the table looks to have been made in six separate parts: the legs being nailed to the central platform, which itself is made of two planks nailed together along underneath the middle. Underneath the table is another bottle of whisky. Sitting on one of the stools is a small iron box which you find to contain some nails. Lying folded in the corner of the cave - or perhaps room - is a large piece of cloth painted with a bottle full of what you deduce is whisky and the words ' The Golden Potion '. Examining the outside of the barrels, you see that they are cooped with nailed wood, rather than the more usual iron.
>>362099
Collect all the booze we can. Huff in distain at the disheveled tavern.
>>362099
Store the whisky in the iron box, padding it with part of the tapestry, and discard the nails, carrying the box in front and your trusty knife in front, begin kicking the door.
>>362167
>trusty knife in front,
That should be
>trusty knife in back
And be sure to look as unthreatening as possible.
>>362127
HUFF. This looks like a pretty shabby tavern to you. Not that your experience of taverns is large. I mean, where is the bar, for starters? They should have a bar, and some shelves with bottles on, and a bowl of fresh, raw red onion and another of salted carrot. And pretty barmaids with menus, and fluted glasses and wines. This is NOT good enough. Still, you can't be too hard on any tavern giving out free booze in this volume. And, you never know, there might be more in those barrels. Opening all three barrels, you find that two are empty, but smell strongly of whisky. No prizes for guessing that these were used for. The third barrel is mostly empty, but contains a small volume of alcohol that sloshes quietly when you shake the barrel to and fro to get a better impression in the dim light.
>>362209
Are we still sober? What kind of respected dungeoneer adventures sober?
>"Sample" barrel
>Stumble onwards!
>>362209
>>362167
>>362239
You attempt to store the whisky bottle in the nail box but find it to be too small. Bother! Perhaps things will make better sense once you've had a drink of the whisky in that barrel. You lean the barrel towards you and use your spare drinking flask to scoop up some of the whisky. This far in the wilderness, it's likely to be a single malt, and you're not one to pass up some en-route sampling when it comes your way! You take a quaff from the flask - it's great! It's more sweet than dry, with piney, honeysome and mineral flavours, with a smooth aftertaste and a feeling of warmth that spreads through your body and fades much more slowly than the vintages you've tried before. No wonder they could open a tavern on this stuff! You drink half of what remains in the flask. Now then, where were you? Oh, yes, you were going to kick down those planks. They're kind of a fire hazard; everything in here is so flammable. You kick the planks repeatedly with your boot, and they start to split and give, which makes it easier to continue to demolish them. Eventually, all the planks covering the doorway are broken. But it looks fairly dark down the next staircase...
>>362367
Piece of plank, piece of tapestry, maybe strong whiskey, a few sparks, and voila a torch, be careful though, wouldn't want to set our dress on fire.
>>362380
>>362367
Picking up one of the broken half-planks from the floor, you wrap it in the tavern's flag, douse the painted whisky with the real thing, light it with your flint and steel and - voila! - it quickly becomes a blazing torch! You figure you'd better be even more careful of your dress now, though. Leaving the nails in their box, and refilling your flask with whisky from the barrel, you set forth down the staircase into the gloom...
>>362491
You descend down the staircase into a new room, where there is a stone platform against which are anchored two rowing boats, which are floating upon the surface of an artificial pool. There's some sort of huge fish or something swimming around.
>>362535
Hmmmmm.....
Do we have enough alcohol to
>Burn the fish away
>>362538
You're on the right track, but I need more clarification of your exact action.
>>362551
>Take a boat out onto land
>Dump barrel of booze into water
>Light with torch
>Don't die
>>362535
>>362574
You haul a boat out of the water quickly. Wouldn't it be fun to BURN the fish away? BOOM! That's what adventuring's all about: blowing all the evil stuff up! You wonder exactly how strong the whisky is...you're reminded of the ending of a popular play staged last year in the capital. You take the mostly-empty barrel of whisky from the first room, add to it the whisky in one of your bottles and half the whisky from the other, make an alcohol-doused fuse from a length of the boat tether, light it and drop it into the water. Then you return to the stairway and take cover, covering your ears whilst you watch this fish get turned into pate. The fish immediately swims over to the barrel and, without hesitation, attacks it, biting into it.
BOOM!!!
The room shakes, chunks of fish and gallons of blood fly out and spatter over the stone platforms and the walls, and clouds of steam fill the air. Pate.
That'll be all for tonight.
>>362668
Enjoy sushi, cross pool.
>>362745
There are large amounts of white flesh and purple-red muscle scattered around the room and floating on the surface of amidst a scum of dust, which you assume has been shaken from the roof by the blast. Large teeth and pieces of bone are also lying in fragments on the platforms. Seems a shame to waste all this food, really - it's obviously fresh, if not free-range. You feel a bit peckish for some of this perforated piscine ex-predator. You pick up a chunk and bite into it: it tastes like haddock and you suspect it would be quite nice with some lemon or vinegar, perhaps on a slice of crusty bread with a thin slice of cucumber and a drizzle of olive oil. Mental note: giant fish taste pretty good. Free sushi and well as single malt? Makes you wonder when a chilled vermouth fountain will appear.
The rowing boat which you left in the water, like the barrel, has been exploded into splinters which have been thrown into every corner of the room; many are sticking out of chunks of flesh. The other boat is usable condition, though its hull is covered with blood and meat. Being the smart gentle(wo)man you are, you'd had the foresight to turn the boat upside-down, thus shielding its benches and interior, which have remained clean. You put the boat back in the water, and row across the pool to the other side with all your possessions, stepping onto the other stone platform. You enter the doorway and descend a short set of stone stairs...
>>363573
Emerging from the doorway, the first thing you notice is a large, spherical glass lamp on top of a tall stone pillar, casting a soft, yellow light over the far doorway. By the lamp - and in the way of the door, you don't fail to notice -, a tall, translucent, pale green cube sits motionless. It looks to be about seven foot tall. In the centre of the room is another lamp of the same type and dimensions as the first, though this lamp casts no light. Attached to the front of this lamp's pillar is an iron funnel, which narrows as it enters the rough, natural stone floor. Next to it is a lidless glass jar full of what seems to be grey sand or ashes. In front of you, on the floor, is inlaid a large square of a dark rock, itself inlaid with marble capital letters. Now _this_ is the craftsmanship you were looking for outside!
Examining the letters, you read:
'WHAT CAN RUNNE FAR AND NEVER TIRE?
ACROSSE THE PLAIN AND PAST THE MIRE,
ATOPPE THE HILL IT FILLES THE STILL,
ALL MEN NEED IT, YET IT CANNE KILL?'
>>363662
Easy, it's a riddle, the answer is "air" what that has to do with passing this room, I haven't the slightest idea.
>>363662
>>363743
You guess that the answer to this riddle, which is what it seems to be, is air. After all, air can blow as the wind over great distances without fatigue, and spriit stills, on hills or otherwise, are full of air and other vapours. But how can you apply the answer to this room? It seems like the only part of this room which you can easily interact with is that funnel, but perhaps it would be better to approach the door and see how the cube reacts - if it has motive force, that is.
>>363789
Indeed, examine the cube more closely. knife at the ready of course, wouldn't want to get hurt, now would we?
>>363789
>>363795
Leaving the half-full bottle of whisky on the floor. for the moment, you slowly approach the cube, with your torch in one hand and your knife in the other. It does not at first react to your approach, but as you draw nearer it begins to ripple, small waves running along its sides. You wonder whether your knife will have any meaningful effect on this gelatinous cube.
>>363833
We've cloned ourselves!
Ignore that and pass through the door.
>>363862
Unable to see the apparition behind you, which decides that it has better things to do than stand around being ignored, you attempt to pass the cube and exit the room through the door. However, the cube blocks your way, rippling violently in several directions... You notice that it smells strongly of gooseberries. Then a voice like the continuous murmur of a slow-flowing stream says
[excuse me]
[do you have a moment to talk about workers' rights]
>>363914
"Hold on" get the whiskey "Allright shoot"
>>363920
"Hold on," you say, and retrieve the bottle of whisky from the floor. Returning to the doorway, you say "Alright, shoot."
[that's not my job, actually.]
"Whatever. Just tell about whatever it is you're trying to sell and let me through that door."
[have you heard of the Gelatinous Cube Workers' Rights Union?]
"Do I look like I have?"
[we are campaigning to reduce the use of traps. they are putting cubes out of a job. too much automation, i say. we need more hordes of cubes, falling out of trapdoors, lurking in pits, bursting out of hidden doors...]
Sigh... unions. At least this cube smells better than the typical peasant.
>>363945
Point out that the production of traps is the livelihood of many kobolds, and such automation is vital to the success of a dungeon. Conveniently leave out the part of gelatinous cubes' traditional role as janitorial staff.
Rolled 6 (1d20)
>>363967
"You know, I expect that the production of traps is a vital part of kobold employment."
[i hate kobolds]
"Not only that, though; the automated traps and puzzles are vital to the success of this dungeon. They interest adventurers who seek more sophisticated exploration than just hitting giant rats with maces."
[your argument is flawed... elitist... logical fallacy.... petition... strikes... marches... need to make a living... workers... cubes unite... POWER TO THE CUBES... DESTROY ALL RESISTANCE...]
The cube lunges at you! Roll 1d20 for initiative!
Rolled 5 (1d20)
>>364007
He's racist and anti-progress! oh god its a Republican jellycube!
>>364017
The cube jumps and smacks into you! You fall onto the ground.
(Your HP is a secret, but I'll give you hints as to how you're feeling and whether you're bleeding, etc.)
>>364037
Roll onto our belly and push up, using the same action to pull our larger knife from the thigh sheath, "What about kobold rights, or the rights of the dungeon master?!" Slice at it with both knives. Our father wanted us to learn the rapier, but fuck you dad.
Rolled 20 (1d20)
>>364104
Do I need to roll?
>>364681
...wow
I'm not writing anything atm, but that's a nice roll.
