What does /pol/ think of chimp attack lady?
>>73562660
something something witty racist joke
>>73562660
Chimp lives matter
Around blacks never relax
How exactly did the chimp do that?
>>73562660
typical rich bitch from CT. she got what she deserved. RIP Travis the Chimp.
Fuck shit get hit? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
>>73562776
Chimps are absolutely ferocious
I think it's where nigs get their rage
>>73562660
Same as everybody, burn the coal, pay the toll
At least she can live a wrinkle free old age now
But she wont be able to tell....
You win some
BURN THE COAL, PAY THE TOLL
>>73562660
I think she got attacked by a chimp.
>>73562660
They should have done the humane thing and euthanize her.
Would still fuck/10
>>73562776
chimp wasn't a little cuddly guy - he was full grown, see pic.
The chimp literally tore her face off with his hands, and threw her jaw away. i think her hands were ripped off too.
>>73562660
Possibly worst way to learn a lesson
>>73562660
Primates are the next group together "human" rights. By not killing them off now and preventing it, humans will be the new evil oppressive dis white people to an oppresses gorilla, chimp, and dolphin minority. You'll be trying to keep your daughter away from flipper and King Kong thanks to baboon controlled media and oppression points going to PC dumb asses. Chimp lady should have known better than to keep an animal without thousands of years of domestication.
>>73563062
a chimp will fuck you up and go straight for your balls, these motherfuckers are strong as fuck.
i will neve ever want to meet a chimp, ever.
>>73562660
looks like she's give a crazy blowie. i could work with that right eye hole too
>>73562660
She looks like she's a female to male tranny now.
>>73562660
Never go full chimp attack.
>>73563282
You talking shit faggot?
>>73563062
Thank god I'm /fit/ enough to fight that motherfucking chimp back
I'm pretty shure I could handle that fatass
>Amazingly LaDonna was only bitten on the hand, consequently while trying to protect her husband St. James, who by far got the worst of the attack, which resulted in having his balls literally ripped off as well as suffering massive wounds to his face, body and limbs.
>The worst part of this story is that Moe sat back and watched while his "Dad" was getting his arms ripped off and shoved up his ass. Now, I guess the best part of the story is also that Moe himself was not attacking and going ape shit, he was just excited to see his old owners and eat some god damn birthday cake - Since, I guess, chimps like cake.
These idiots get what they deserve, i'm so happy the chimp ripped his balls and dick off.
>>73563389
you would not stand a chance in hell
>>73563062
He a good boy he didn't du nuffin
>>73563389
Paco, you're fucking retarded if you think you could handle a chimpanzee in a 1v1 encounter. You'd get put in the fucking dirt, just like 99% of humans.
>>73562660
Burn the coal...
>>73562660
It's sad.
Also a cautionary tale.
>>73563389
http://i.imgur.com/wWVQFFi.jpg
Doubt it
>>73563389
It's not like cockfighting, amigo
>>73563416
>Ive seen some shit man, I wouldn't recommend it
>>73563389
>500lb+ animal
>big fucking claws and sharp ass teeth
>i stand a chance guys
I say we release chimps into Mexico and let god sort them out.
>>73562660
Well played m8...
>>73563062
fuck i remember when that happened, started reading about other chimp attacks and freaked the fuck out
>>73563389
AHAHAHA 1 chimp = 5 grown-ass men
Knowing how small my fellow Hispanics are, José, even if you were 300 pounds of muscle you would die from CHIMP
>>73563389
Chimps are like 90-95% muscle mass in average
It would fuck you up breh, only a gun could save you
>>73563416
http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/a5609/chimpanzee-attack-0409/
>>73563441
I mean... I agree that the Chimp has a pretty good chance but this summarizes it pretty well
http://www.gamefaqs.com/boards/212-/62051858
>>73563585
I'd pay so much money to watch that shit on ppv. Someone make this shit happen!!!
>>73562660
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgS0KgT5APc
The amazing 911 call, while she's talking travis is eating her "friend" alive.
Why not just have a dog as a pet? This is where normies get it right.
>>73563389
Superb post
>>73563389
Even Brock Lesnar would get manhandled by an adult chimp.
The animal world demolishes humans in terms of physicality.
>>73563062
He's a big guy.
>>73563389
The muscle density of chimps and gorillas is through the fucking roof. A chimp that weighs the same as an adult male has easily thrice or more times his strength.
A chimp can literally tear your limbs off.
>>73562660
What tactics would you employ to fight a chimp?
I know they can be killed with spears and bows... but is it possible to club them to death?
Sounds like a fun and challenging sport.
>>73563657
>Trump releasea chimps into Mexico
>watch as the skinny burritos go off in a bull run
Skip to 2:10:48
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=efGIwj3PQ9I
>>73563657
2nd that
>>73562660
Burn coal
>>73563389
>Mexican intellectuals
>>73563651
you know a chimp is powerful enough to rip a car door off right?
>>73563553
Goddamn. Your only real chance would be to get your lips around his dick
>>73563389
Chimps have far greater power than humans of comparable size.
Even in 1926 - a test was done on chimps, and a chimp managed to pull (on a measuring device) 820 lbs one handed.
The strongest humans they could find could only pull 200 lb one handed. 500lb with TWO hands.
Conclusion : A chimp would rip your arms out of the sockets and beat you with them.
Do not fuck with them.
>>73563709
>I tried stabbing him but it just made him worse...
God I wish there was video of this madness.
>>73563553
>this is the picture that started the big chimp cock meme
>>73563553
I wonder if BJJ would work
>>73563802
GIB BACK
>>73563416
Apparently "Moe" escaped a few years later and was never seen again.
>>73562660
Around chimps
Watch your lips
>>73563709
Good grief, what a looney
>>73563789
>how do you fight a chimp?
You dont,if the little fuck is comming for you run like hell,he might not be able to catch up
>>73564134
he got away with murder, why is Moe not on the FBI top most wanted list?
Chimps don't have super human strength you tards. A strong human could very likely over power a chimp, given that you could easily pick it up and fling it around because it is so much smaller.
Any able body man could also do that to a woman's face, we just tend to be much more intelligent and kill people effectively, not just grabbing skin and tearing away until something dies.
>>73562660
chimps should never ever be owned/handled by anyone unless they are a trained professional and don't live near anyone else
they're so fucking dangerous it's unreal
your ONLY chance is a gun, like other anons said
>>73562660
>mfw these people think primates possess any sort of human-like rationality and aren't just ticking time bombs waiting to go off
>>73562660
wtf does this have to do with politics
stop shitting up the board Australia, I was starting to like you
>>73563389
What Ya'll motherfuckers don't realize is that most men are smart enough to not use their fists to fight a chimp. A nice sturdy stick would even the odds- some sort of blunt metal object makes it in the human's favor. Any sort of sharp bladed weapon makes it decisively in the human's favor. If it's a large bladed weapon then the chimp has no chance.
And to be completely honest any non retard would be carrying a gun to defend against our local ghetto chimps which negates the problem entirely.
>>73564261
>A strong human could very likely over power a chimp,
you have got to be a fucking retard
>>73563389
Just to give you an idea, the average zoo-born FEMALE chimp can pull 1,260 pounds. Not enraged mind you.
It's safe to say they're at least 2.5x as strong as humans.
I don't even know what tactic would be best for fighting one. I imagine some kind of rear chokehold might work if you're fast, sneaky, and strong enough.
Or you can do the old bear killing tactic and try to shove your entire arm down its throat.
>>73564261
Oh boy, here we fuckin go...
>>73564261
no you idiot. chimps literally have the strength of 3 men
>>73563389
being ''fit'' don't mean anything, chimps are pure muscle and 6 times stronger than men
but for this reason they cant swim, they sink like rocks
>>73564352
RIP your arm :(
>>73564261
This is bait if I've ever seen it.
>>73563981
People tend to forget that humans best ability is actually running. We only killed things because we could chase them to exhaustion. Against the might of true beasts, we aren't much.
Only a few humans alive a bad ass enough to even do something like choke out a lion.
https://www.salon.com/2002/02/12/cougar/
>>73563719
A dog, a cat, a pigeon, anything nice and domesticated.
Not a fucking chimpanzee.
>>73563062
HE DINDU NUFFIN, HE A GOOD BOY
HE BE GOIN TO THE ZOO EVERYDAY
>relaxing around chimps
I remember reading about an attack story once where a chimp was in a facility with some zoologists or some shit, and they had taught it sign language.
One of the people did something, I forget, to slight the chimp (like not giving it the dankest food) and it signed at them that it would hurt them for it.
One day the chimp was able to get out of his room, and proceeded to walk straight down the hall to the office where this dude worked, and attack him --- bit off like all his fingers, gouged out his face, and the usual chimp attack shit. THIS MOTHERFUCKER TOLD HIM WELL AHEAD OF TIME THAT IT WOULD HURT HIM, AND THEN DID AT THE VERY FIRST CHANCE.
>>73562660
She looks like Boris at the end.
>>73564419
>>73564397
>>73564352
>>73563981
>>73563623
Nobody knows how strong these fuckers are. Get your facts straight you fucking morons. You are all fucking morons.
>>73564397
And a strong man literally has the strength of 3 men.
You people vastly overestimate how strong animals are. Even the worlds strongest man that can deadlift 1000+lb (probably about 4-5 times what a normal man could) would not be able to rip your arm out of its socket.
Chimps feats of strength are largely hearsay and what attacks have happened are not out of the realm of possibility of a human being making use of teeth and sadism.
>>73563282
>>73563441
>>73563505
Do you people ever actually do any research of your own? You're literally on the same level as liberals, just repeating bullshit you hear without verifying it.
Pound for pound chimps are stronger, but they also don't weigh as much. They effectively have similar abilities to an adult male human. People tend to forget that these brutal images of mutilated faces could very easily also be done by a human being barehanded if they were so inclined to do so.
>>73563585
>chimpanzee
>500lbs
You literally don't even know what a chimpanzee is.
>>73562843
>bot gallin gettle blag
hab 2 puu
go 2 luu
>>73563802
FUCKING GIVE HER BACK
I WILL FUCKING RIP YOU APART
YOU WILL LOOK LIKE YOU WERE MANHANDLED BY A FUCKING CHIMPANZEE BY THE TIME I'M THROUGH WITH YOU
DON'T WASTE MY TIME, GIVE HER BACK
NOW
>>73563709
Jesus I was cracking up
>Lady: "He TORE HER APART! "
>background: "REE REEEE REEEE"
>>73564586
I'm going to need a source or something. That sounds too unreal
>>73564483
You been reading Born to Run or some shit?
>>73564352
That won't work. Those fuckers have long arms, too. Literally, a shot gun is your best tool.
>>73563957
His balls.
Gotta bite the balls. Chimps operate like tribes and they have clans where there's multiple families and a patriarch watching over the whole tribe. Patriarch gets the best food, sleeping spot, and breeding rights.
He also gets constantly challenged for his alpha position that he attains by a combination of physical prowess and forging alliances with other chimps through grooming. They try to hand off alpha status to their families and offspring, so rivals will try to castrate you and the males in your family. Castrated chimps don't grow as big or strong.
Now you understand why this chimp didn't attack the dumb bitch but went for her husband.
Nice balls chimpo
>>73564622
Whiteboi being entertainment, how amusing, do continue
>>73564283
id like to see a brazilian jiu0jitsu fighter go against one. id be like when ozzies thought theyd fight animals
>>73564619
I agree a human being COULD do that, but it wouldn't be easy, and you'd damage your hands doing it. Your fingernails would probably come out with the force you'd exert ripping off a chunk of someone's skin.
>>73563062
if i ever see a Chimp in the wild, i'm gonna fucking kill it, jesus christ these things are monsters
>>73563634
jesus fucking christ
>>73564762
DESIGNATED
>>73564586
I highly doubt this but it's hilarious none the less
>>73564823
Doubtful. Indeed cutting with your nails is pretty much impossible, but mutilating eyes and ripping off a noise wouldn't be terribly difficult, you might even get ears if you get a good grip.
God this fucking board. People think chimps are some alien mass of muscle that I have to talk about ways a human can wreck another human's face.
Damn, I didn't know chimps were so good at fighting.
I knew they were strong, but I didn't know their jaw strength was strong too. The chimp in the story bit off a woman's thumb and other body parts.
I wonder why their jaws are so strong. I thought carnivores had the strongest bites.
>>73564619
looking up chimp attacks on the internet says enough for me to stay the fuck away from them, not even a little one.
maybe you like getting your dick pulled off, not me, fuck that.
>>73564619
The article is on Slate.com
"Bauman took his study on the road, attempting tests at the Philadelphia Zoo and making inquiries as far afield as Chicago and Cincinnati. In 1926, he returned to the Bronx Zoo, successfully testing the largest chimpanzee then in captivity. That animal, named Boma,pulled 847 pounds one-handed.
How did that compare with humans? As a college teacher in South Dakota, Bauman did what any good scientist would do: He recruited the football team as research subjects. He found that not one of his "husky lads" could pull more than 500 pounds with both hands, and only one had a one-handed pull above 200."
>>73564261
>chimps don't have superhuman strength
Have you ever seen videos where they climb and maneuver around trees? They do it effortlessly. Meanwhile an average man would fucking be exhausted by the time he got to the top of a tree and it would take him a good amount of time to do so. Chimps are fucking strong
>>73564844
SHITTING
>>73564842
just finished reading that too
goddamn these people are retards
i feel a little better knowing they didn't actually get mutilated by the specific monkey they owned though
>>73564706
Even a 50lb baby chimp can take two shotgun blasts to the face and still be able to attack and kill an adult human male.
>>73562660
if she still had functioning hands i'm sure she would kill herself
also don't fuck with monkeys (wild or pavement), they are ferocious and barbaric
>>73564997
Humans can also bite off fingers and all sorts of different body parts if you give it a good college try.
>>73563726
only thing humans win is long distance running
we're pretty shit
>>73562660
Did she died?
>>73564619
point is don't try to fuck with a chimp on your own, get a weapon
humans didn't become the apex predator by using our hands
i wonder how many bullets these things can take
>>73564329
A bladed weapon only deals 3 damage to target creature unless that creature's controller has Blazing Salvo deal 5 damage to him or her.
>>73564611
>proceeds to leave thread, feeling good about himself for being so informed
fag
>>73562660
Reminds me of the cat that was beaten up by a bunch of thugs and thrown in the garbage because they thought it looked like Hitler.
>>73565122
Definitely not a thumb.
Maybe the top, fleshy part of a finger.
>>73565105
>anything other than elephants surviving a shotgun blast to the face
Yeah,neah
>>73565068
Leverage, low weight, efficient bone structure. Yes they are incredibly strong, but humans can also take advantage of our longer limbs, more maneuverable fingers, and much greater fine motor control.
A chimp can't walk up to you and rip off your leg. Its never been recorded, its always genital and facial mutilations, which a person using their teeth could also accomplish.
>>73562660
This is why you need guns.
I'm pretty sure I could beat a full sized gorilla with my bare hands. I would pretend I'm going to hit it with my right hand, then land a lightning fast left hook on its jaw. The gorilla would drop and then I'd just choke the gorilla to death
>I'm 6'2 tall
>Weight almost 100kg
>I can bench 200lbs
>I squat 250lbs
>I can curl 60 lbs dumbell
>I have BTFO of every person who has ever get in a fight with me
>all these homo sapiens lies
Wait till Brazil hears about this thread OP. You're fucked.
>>73563634
Jesus fucking Christ...
>>73565269
I'd definitely imagine a hippo could. Or a rhino. Do you know how fucking vicious hippos are? Fuckers will bite you in half.
>>73562660
well she aged like a gummy bear left under the sun
>>73565105
This. Baby chimps are 14 times stronger than a grown man.
Plus their long fingers can wrap around a man's shaft and balls 1 1\2 times.
>>73565108
these people basically become human test subjects to further efforts in science, i hope for a future where people who get their face fucked up can live a normal life
>>73563416
Wasn't even their chimp.
Fuckers who ran the place that adopted the chimp they used to own, accidentally let out two adult chimps while they were visiting.
>>73565369
Chimps and hippos and bears can literally fuck off.
>>73565369
A well placed buckshot would put them into place
>>73565396
I'm sure those doctors got some valuable on the job experience on stitching up what used to be a face
>>73565244
Not in one motion, but if you worked at it and gnawed at the joint, I'm sure you could pull it off.
Recall that these attacks take place over tens of minutes, sometimes hours. Really its more a tell of how bad chimps are at killing people that they mostly just mutilate.
>>73564997
chimps eat meat. they are omnivores.
>>73564419
If being fit doesn't mean anything then why does it matter that the chimps are pure muscle? I've been training Wu Shu 12 years and I've mastered the one inch punch to a point where I was able to kill a cow by punching it in the head, that's right. I could kill any chimp in a few seconds easily, even if it was a gorilla, I bet I could kill it if he let me close enough to land a surprise punch. A fucking chimp stands no chance against me because I'm a truly deadly weapon.
>>73564586
>>73564699
Pretty sure they did a Radiolab segment on that a few years ago before they became fully absorbed in race relation and social science stuff.
http://www.radiolab.org/story/91708-kanzi/
>>73565291
It can rip a bitches jaw off. That's enough to dampen my confidence in a fistfight
>>73564315
He's just handing out a free red pill about niggers' cousins.
>>73565269
Bears can shrug off multiple shots to the dome.
With animals you're better off going for their means of mobility. Humans became top of the pile for pretty much only our wicked circle strafing skills.
>>73564844
>>73565085
Yes my clowns, dance in a silly circle
>>73565555
checkem
>>73565329
100kg is only 17 stone
A gorilla is at least 28 stone
>>73565549
Where have you seen someone missing their entire jaw bone? All I found when searching was some women that had their neck and lower teeth fucked up, more than likely the skin ripped apart and plastic surgery doing some bad work.
>>73564925
>>73564699
See:
>>73565532
My nigger. That's it -- apparently it was a bonobo, my B.
Also here's another fun account of a separate incident:
http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/a5609/chimpanzee-attack-0409/
>As St. James confronted the chimp, the six-two former running back turned to find a second chimp — also a male, this one older and bigger — bearing down on him as well. With both hands, he pushed the bigger animal. Both chimps pounced. One of the animals grabbed him in a bear hug before chomping into the bone above his right eyebrow. He then stuck his finger in St. James's right eye, gouging it out. The same animal clamped his teeth onto St. James's nose, biting it off, as the other chimp chewed away at St. James's fingers. In the melee, one of the chimps dug in his claws and ripped the skin off the right side of St. James's face, causing it to flop over and cover his left eye, temporarily blinding him. One of the primates sunk his teeth into St. James's skull. He then closed his jaws on St. James's mouth, ripping off his lips and most of his teeth. St. James tried to put one of his hands down the animal's throat, but the chimp just kept chewing on it and chewing on it, and he couldn't get it out.
>>73563389
Gotta love you /fit/bro turbochads that think you can just toe-to-toe with large aggressive animals
What's next, a fucking cheetah? Can you wrestle a lion to death with your bare hands?
You may be top-of-the-line among people, but humans in general are weak shit compared to chimps. We were scavengers and berry pickers, not fucking top predators. You have no teeth, no claws, you're weak compared to a chimp, and you are way less aggressive. You probably do not have the guts to just go straight for its eyes and start mauling, while it DOES.
But have it your way. I'd rather be alive
>>73564218
Too bad they can sprint like a fucker
>>73565517
Well aint you a macho man?
How about you put that muscle to use and build a wall?
>>73565549
if a person tried hard enough they could also rip off a jaw
although it's not easy unless you're in a fit of blind rage like a nigge- I mean chimpanzee
>>73565232
did his eye heal?
>>73563744
For you
>>73563062
I always wondered if she was concious the whole time.
>>73565726
jesus fucking christ i better get /fit/ too in case i run into a chimp
>>73565532
That was actually an amazing piece and it stuck with me after hearing about it. The whole piece was interviewing people who got too attached to animals and projected human elements onto them.
Honestly, I'm down just to kill em all. Aside from medical testing, there's not a whole lot of benefit. And now that testing on them is taboo, they're just caged time bombs.
>>73565726
While their teeth and jaw are definitely stronger than a human, again this isn't impossible for a man other than us being very poorly built to bite enemies during a fight.
>>73562660
Adam Lanza called into a radio show about the chimp attack:
https://soundcloud.com/nydailynews/sandy-hook-shooter-adam-lanza
>>73565129
What about ingenuity?
We're smart.
>>73565907
More like get strapped, nigga.
You're better off ghetto blasting a chimp before you try to box with one.
>>73565726
reading that greentext makes me nearly physically sick, it reads like a dwarf fortress damage log but it's fucking real
>>73565726
Well I'm going to.purchase a pet chimpanzee, seems like a solid investment
>>73565805
I imagine she passed out after he ripped her jaw off.
>>73565754
You could rip someones jaw off
IF you are on extasy,coke and meth and you re like made of muscle
>>73564038
nah chimps have no honor, they fight like they're fucking animals dude
>>73565726
>>73565907
>>73565949
>>73565982
.>>73566000
cont:
>St. James fell to the ground, no longer able to defend himself, and for at least five minutes, the mauling continued as he lay helpless. One of the chimps gnawed on his buttocks and bit off his genitals. They ravaged his left foot, leaving it shredded. Blood poured from his body, and LaDonna was screaming. It looked as if they were eating him alive. Finally, LaDonna's screams drew the owners' son-in-law, Mark Carruthers, who came running armed with a .45-caliber revolver. After struggling to find a clean shot, he opened fire on the younger primate. The shot had no apparent effect, and Carruthers raced back to his house, a few dozen yards away, to reload with more-powerful ammunition. When Carruthers returned, he focused on the older male, the prime aggressor. Kneeling down, he shot him once in the head from close range. As the animal fell to the ground, the younger chimp began dragging St. James's mutilated body down a hill leading away from Moe's cage. Dirt filled St. James's lungs and seeped into his bloody openings.
>For the briefest of moments, LaDonna looked toward Moe. He was sitting in the corner of his cage, frozen, seemingly stunned.
>The lone chimp continued tearing at St. James's limp body with his teeth until Carruthers caught up to him and shot him once in the chest, ending the attack. St. James, lying facedown, felt the lifeless animal fall on his back
>>73562660
I read a lot about this story, mainly because the doctor who operated on her is Czech.
Basically this chimp was domesticised so well, they even put him in some TV ads. What happened was that he stole car keys from his owner (a woman) and tried to open different cars with them on a parking lot. His owner didnt like it and so she wanted to pacify him. She gave him fucking XANAX, and surprise surprise, its a shit drug and moreover nobody really knows what it does to animals. His brain stopped working properly and so he viciously attacked first person he saw and didnt know (the victim).
She lost face and both arms. They gave her new face and even tried to gave her new arms, but her body didnt accept the arms. The owner of the chimp was sued for millions of dollars and they took her house and basically everything of value she owned.
>>73562660
Ways to beat a chimp
>torch + hair = you win
>fight them in/near water (they can't swim, bodies are too dense)
>land really good hit on their face/eyes and they'll just run away (they're cowards, no discipline)
>projectiles, bows, spears, etc.
>trap them, distract them, poison them, take advantage of their stupidity and curiosity and nail them in the jugular before they go into their enraged mode.
>>73565370
I WILL FUCKING FIND YOU
>>73564352
>chimp reaches behind its head and gouges your eyes out before tearing your fingers off
BJJ and chokes would never work against the filthy ferocity of an enraged chimp.
>>73564174
100% of women act like this under stressful circumstances.
Unless you meant because she has a fucking pet chimp, in which case yes.
>>73565604
Reconcile it however feels comfiest, Rajit
>>73565693
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Travis_(chimpanzee)
>Doctors successfully reattached her jaw, but announced on April 7, 2009 that Nash would be blind for life
>>73563389
Good job, nothing like some old /fit/ banter to get the (you)s going.
>>73563389
Go ahead, spicbro
>>73565969
i meant physically. i worded it poorly.
>>73562660
bestiality is a sin and God punished her
>>73563389
Chimps are nothing like the little new-world monkeys you're used to dealing with, Miguel.
>>73562660
she got fucked up
A human has killed a grizzly bear with bare hands, I'm sure most people on this board could handle a fucking chimp (I couldn't tho I'm weak as fuck).
>>73565727
>We were scavengers and berry pickers, not fucking top predators.
We were top predators.
We just did it in groups and with weapons.
>>73566344
a chimp isn't smart as a human, but it's smarter than a ear, its more clever
>>73566314
>That game
AH
WHAT'S THAT GAME CALLED AGAIN
>>73565969
Humans are pretty much a set of very boring things that are actually stupidly advantageous.
We can run the most distance out of any creature in the animal kingdom. This means we can both cover great distances, and chase down all sorts of prey and not give a shit. Its the reason we could kill creatures as big as mammoths. We literally chased them until they collapsed from exhaustion or fell off a cliff.
We're smart. Boring, but we're living the fruits of that labor now, obviously.
We have thumbs. This is important, because being smart and not having thumbs just makes you an octopus or a dolphin. It helps them, but its all of naught because they can't manipulate tools.
We stand upright. This goes hand in hand with thumbs, which goes hand in hand with being smart. Means we can use our hands without needing them to move like gorillas. Standing upright also turns out to be the reason behind our success as long distance runners, due to the length of our stride. Its also very advantageous on the plains of Africa, because you can stand tall and see threats from a long way away.
Humans are boring as shit, really, but those boring things just happen to be powerful. No poison, claws, or shit like that.
>>73566344
well I did handle your mom so I like my chances
I would call the police and get a restraining order against any chimp that tried to attack me
>>73563416
>>73563416
lol he looks like he put those pins in there to hold up his nose on purpose, like Pee Wee did with the tape.
>>73566054
>Despite the ferocity of the attack, when the paramedics arrived, St. James was still conscious. His face and body, however, were mutilated beyond recognition. Where his mouth, lips, and nose had been there was only a bloody hole. Where his right eye had been there was a pit. Where his fingers had been he had only stumps or simply gaps. "I had no idea a chimpanzee was capable of doing that to a human," Kern County fire captain Curt Merrell, who was among the first on the scene, told the Los Angeles Times. "It looked like a grizzly-bear attack."
>>73566067
>She gave him fucking XANAX
top kek. GENIUS
>>73565775
He lost his eye, but people who heard about the incident banded together to cover the £500 medical fees. He's healthy, and has regained the confidence to go outside again.
Poor thing was thrown in a trash can and left there for more than a day before he was found.
>>73566054
>come with a gun
>for two chimps
>with one bullet
A hero in the making
>>73566417
Pilotwings 64
Chimps seem to go to chimp gym.
>>73566417
Pilotwings 64
>>73566344
I'm pretty sure to date only 2 men in recorded history have successful killed bears with their hands.
As for chimps... there's just a long record of 6 ft tall men getting thrown around by the ape's feet.
>>73566437
Running still sort of sucks because everything can sprint and eat you before you can run long distances
>>73566456
I'd find and shoot to death any chimp that tried to attack me.
>>73566264
Again, I don't see it saying it actual ripped off her jaw bone, it could have just yanked it from the socket or some other such thing that makes the jaw look all fucked up.
>>73562660
>What does /pol/ think of chimp attack lady?
The toll raised in the fume of coal fire
Is the lover's rage, purged in the simian countenance of desire.
Could have bought a Dog or a Cat at the local ASPCA adoption place. Could have given a Dog or a Cat a good home, but NOOOOOOOOOOO Liberal bitch needed to have a special snowflake pet.
>>73566437
Running upright is actually now thought as advantageous because we can carry shit while we run.
Running after creatures till exhaustion is very inefficient, even the African bush people that do it only do it rarely; its not a primary means of getting food.
>>73563062
>feed a chimp Xanax 'cause it's "stressed"
>do not have a firearm at hand with a wild animal in one's midsts
>instead of calling for help immediately, trying hitting the thing 9 times your strength and mauling your friend, with a frying pan
>living with a literal chimp
>>73563709
I don't think the police responder even believes her
>>73563939
>a chimp is strong enough to break a Nader Pin
No.
>>73566565
Looking at this little fuck is terrifying, can you imagine what a gorilla could do to a human?
"Strengthtests have never been held on gorillas, but estimates based on objects they have seen to have lifted and their ability to hang/swing for hours with one hand, they are estimated at 10-20 times stronger than a fit human being. A gorilla raised in captivity was seen to have lifted over 1500 lbs with one arm."
>>73566669
>The monkey had ripped off her entire upper jaw, had ripped off her nose, which as hanging by a thread,"
http://abcnews.go.com/Health/victim-chimp-attack-shows-destroyed-face-oprah/story?id=9053544
>>73563709
>owning a fucking 200lb ape
>not owning a gun
>>73566877
That is actually pretty impressive, or pretty stupid. If the chimp was able to get at her upper jaw, its hand/mouth must have been in her mouth, as its pretty hard to get at the thing.
>>73566861
Good thing gorrilas arent as vicious as chimps
>>73562660
>>73566067
The lady that owned the chimp would actually let it sleep in her bed with her. She was all kinds of fucked up.
fuckin A, who feels like shooting one of these things just to see it die now?
>>73566829
women need to be banned from caring for shit now
first they give xanax to their kids for every problem and now they're doing it with animals
when will women learn that xanax and minecraft is not the solution?
>>73563709
I feel so bad but I can't stop laughing. What is this called?
>>73567131
kek me
>>73564586
[[[[[[[[[[[[citationS needed]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
>>73567131
I've been redpilled on the monkey menace
now I don't feel bad for test monkeys
>>73566861
What about a gorilla with downs syndrome
>>73567168
>women
>learn
>>73567131
I want to set up a big chimp torture dungeon. Little fucks.
Heh, but does a chimp have a chance against the 1000x folded steel of my katana blade?
nothin' personnel..
>>73566385
Some of us were top predators, and were made that way because of said weaponry
Evolution wise, either way we were never adapted for the kind of wicked melee that the Mexican was talking about
>>73562660
Its even worse now
She got a face graph, but it ended up being only cosmetic.
She lost one eye, then the other eye went blind from infection.
Now she's blind with has prothsetic eyes, a face that looks nothing like her, a stump hand, and a hand that is nothing more than a thumb.
Its really sad, because its not entirely her fault.
She was just visiting a friend at her house, then the chimp when apeshit.
She couldn't even sue her friend/owner for much money as her friend died not too long later from an aneurysm.
>>73562660
Honestly I feel fucking terrible, if it was her chimp I wouldn't feel too bad but it was her friend's, poor lady didn't deserve that. She also volunteered to test a new anti-rejection drug for the army, only to have it fail. Hopefully she can keep what's left of her face transplant.
>>73563651
chimps are not like humans, they rage and have intense adrenaline rushes, that thing will fight through the pain to break your neck
>>73567008
I'm not an ornithologist but I believe that monkeys developed special pads on their fingers over millions of years that would allow them to do such a thing with ease.
>>73567131
This legit looks like a smiling sri Lankan man who just learned about welfare benefits
>>73562660
Didn't it come out that she was fucking it or something? I remember she was giving it xanax and shit.
>>73567505
This is fucking rough. Euthanasia puhlease!
>>73563416
>hey smooth skin
>>73567131
I want to gain super strength and rip one apart.
Never seen footage of a chimp going apeshit and killing people. Just imagine seeing a chimp rip the arms out of a human.
>>73563389
Famous last words.
Your lardy chunky ass would be demolished far before you could shout "racist!" out in the air as a last ditch effort to save yourself
Pretty sure chimps have muscle fibers that humans don't have and the ones the do can become really really tight when exerted. Which is why their hand grip strength is ridiculous when compared to humans.
>>73563709
>>73566842
Thats the thing, they delayed dispatch for a while as the dispactcher thought it was a prank call.
I mean would you believe it if
a) My pet monkey
b) My pet monkey is killing my friend
c) Cliche monkey sounds are going off in the background
>>73564716
http://abcnews.go.com/International/andrew-oberle-chimp-attack-victim-standing-restricted-area/story?id=16689076
Too bad they'd get your balls first
Humans have fine motor control with their muscles. Chimps can't control their muscles as well as humans can. All they have is strength.
>>73563634
>If they couldn't ever live together again, this seemed like the next best thing. St. James and Moe were kissing each other. The moment was beautiful. Perfect almost.
>>73567131
I'm glad Africans will eliminate these things from the planet for me.
It needs to go extinct.
>>73564619
t. Chimpanzee
>>73562660
she will probably be in line for a new cyber body when we start tranfering brains/souls in machines.
>>73568221
If that movie was 30 minutes shorter it would've been fine.
>>73567505
Hopefully regenerative medicine will fix this. Grow or print her a new jaw, face and eyes.
>>73564997
The main difference between humans and apes is the malfunctioning of a gene that governed the development of a huge group of muscles that gave apes extreme jaw strength. It goes around the top of the skull, through the opening into the jaw. See pic related.
That muscle group however severely limited the size of their brain, unlike humans, who's skull remains in several pieces, allowing it to expand and grow well into adulthood. Ape's skull is completely fused at a much younger age, thus limiting their potential for brain development.
Did they chimp also rape her?
>>73568363
The movie was good, you stupid leaf
>>73565727
>you have no teeth
Uh, we're all human here right?
>>73564619
Chimp muscle is different from human muscle. Humans lost dense muscle as we became bipedal and there was more demand for finer tuned, less energy consuming muscle. Dense muscle is powerful but shit for precise movements, which humans utilized more once our hands were free.
Chimps weigh less, but their muscle and pound for pound stronger.
>>73567878
That's what I was thinking, it sounds terrifying if you take it seriously, but if it was a joke it would be hilarious.
I mean just listen to the nonchalant operator, and the lady flipping out.
>shoot him
>he's not dead
>he's not dead
>Ok femanon, they are shooting him
>he's dead
>>73562660
Did she burn the coal? If so, then there is no problem.
>>73568440
Thats actually what they did in Rome. They would intoxicate chimps with wine, then and then set them loose on qt girls in coloseum. The girls' vaginas were smeared with female chimp urine and juices, so that the chimps would go really wild
>>73568662
Bullshit
>>73563389
I believe in you spicbro
>>73563416
What the hell is wrong with you?
>>73568662
>chimp juice
you mean purple drink.
>>73568662
and this is how modern Italians were created
Who would win in a fight, a strong tard or a weak chimp?
>>73565907
>six two former running back
You're going to need a gun (but being fit is good too)
