Post/critique lyrics
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You are currently reading a thread in /mu/ - Music
You are currently reading a thread in /mu/ - Music
ITT: Original song lyrics critique.
here a poem I wrote after sex:
My past life storms upon the hotsprings of your eyes
Never really to be recovered as it dissolves
at the bottom of your boiling guise
The rhythm of your chest perfectly syncs with my insecurities and apprehensions
As yours lead mine like smoke engulfing steam
I watch them intermingle on my ceiling
pic unrelated
>>63577056
Oh no man, I haven' t got the time being too busy sucking on the ding-dong
She's busy sucking on my ding-dong
Oh, she does, as a sister Ray said I've been looking my mainline I skaza
Yo, the name’s nightbreaker
Cuz I fucking break the night with my sick ass rhymes and my dope ass beats
I’m like a dragon, spewing fire and shit, i dont give a fuck because as aforementioned im a dragon thats fuckin sick, if you dont think so ill fuck you up
gobble you up with my scaly tongue, suckle your breasts and rub your balls, i hope you’re straight cuz ill make you gay
‘ay
*twangy guitar*
My dearest friends and family
If you're not feeling sane
I hope that you'll find therapy
In the little things
And if you're still inclined to think
Your suffering's deserved
Then you have not yet been freed
From your haunting hurt
*singing saw, harmonica*
Lee dee-dee, dee dee dee dee
Listen on from the balcony
And fire a signal flare
(featuring JEFF MANGUM and SEAN BONNETTE)
>>63577056
I have a couple shit lyrics, pls feel free to call me a faggot and tell me what to improve:
Fearless beast, break that merciless leash
You’ve lasted through this fast end
Ending in some crumbling path
Rumbling awful chorus of
Guilt-ridden collapsing angels
Anchors of whom, in desperate objection
Held on to the roaring harbour
you left, forgot, abandoned
disheartened, are now the
dissipating souls of sullen sailors
Whose last tribute was their last,
precious hope,
but they extinguished it for you
Now then, no light guides solemn
over your endless ocean
and in every direction lies a distant shoreline
that your blind obsession will some sweet day
guide you crashing into
light, your dreaming detour
Yet chains still hold you
Like caressing hands, saving you
Yet chains still slow you
And yelling you see them an enemy
Yet chains still love you
They were crafted from your loving hands
>>63577549
more shit:
o! province
of the buzzing stars
that tremble along
the rhythm of this whimpering heart
I am heading your way
I am heading on this darkened path
voices tumbling and blaming
any who they see and can blame
they scream:
‘You better start naming names
You better start naming names
And you better start pointing fingers
Just as we do, and as we forever will
You better start naming names
Or we’ll start by naming yours’
but I’m not slowing
no, I am one with this darkened path
I am one with the path that leads your way
even though there’s no light at the end of the tunnel
though there’s no light at the end of the tunnel
who gives, who cares, who remains
my unwavering step trembles along
the rhythm of this rampaging heart
cause we see the light at the end
Jesus Lord Amen
yes we see the light at the end of the tunnel
>>63577570
more shit:
Crashing, arrive
Sunrise
Who waits for no eyes
Grasping, only I
Sunrise
To take me where the darkness lies
Watch as I
Beg and plead you, sunrise
For some sympathetic freeze
I need more time
I need more time
Yet the only cold, sunrise
Is your uncaring gaze
As without mercy your rays sear away
Each passing gentle night
Each time driving me
Further into the corner
My lone desperate corner
With no mercy rain to cool away
Or at least give me the illusion
Of a day, for once, slowing down
The reality settles in,
and talks me away off my alternatives
Oh sunrise, how you trouble me each dawn
It’s alright, sunrise, you’ve made your case
You’ve burned all the hope off my race
I know where you’ll take me at this pace
And I’ll have to do it
But I just need more time
But I just need more time
Namaste
I've been away
I named my guitar after someone
I’ve never met
And who doesn’t know that I exist
Cause I wanted to feel closer to an impossibility
And when delusions are all I get
Then more delusions is what I will have
I named my dog after a lizard
Who was named after a chicken
Cause they all kept dying
And I wanted to say ‘fuck you’ to God
Cause I promised I’d take care of this one
And after eight years he’s still my closest friend
I was named after nothing
And then I was named after my step-father
Cause those who named me were running from the past
But the past left them with broken legs
So when delusions is all they get
Then more delusions is what they will have
>>63577636
straight fire senpai
>>63577056
My feet are freezing while the rest of my body is heating. Am I bleeding? I can't even tell if my heart is still beating. But I still got to keep reaching. I got to go all the way for the gold. To get there I got to be more brash, more bold. But how am I supposed to do that when everyone already saying I'm cold? Their words are creeping like a mold. All's I can say is when I reach the top, don't say you ain't been told.
I don't really write lyrics but I've tried a lot. Please don't be overly mean/critical though I'm already pretty iffy on it all that's why I'm here of course.
These ones just happened in like 10 minutes total maybe, they're not very poetic or anything but the song is still in demo stage and I'm not sure how I feel on it.
In a musical context btw it sounds like
https://soundcloud.com/cut_the_kids_in_half/a-small-edge
You were staring at the sink and held a knife
While I tried to keep that rope from getting too tight
But it never was enough to keep things alright
It never was enough to keep things all fine
And when you said maybe I could take a try now
Maybe I should stop and think things out now
It never was enough to keep you breathing
Never was enough to stop your bleeding
I think that maybe we should talk things out now
Take a step back and think things out, how
Not being alive is worse than feeling.
Not being alive is worse than breathing.
And then I started thinking maybe you're right
Maybe life's just a ticket to a
Movie we don't really want to see and
Maybe here's a better chance for me and
Hating yourself is cool
Hating yourself is cool
You ain't got no reason to like yourself
Cuz you're a worthless piece of shit just like everybody else
Hating yourself is cool
Hating yourself is cool
You hate all the people who interact with you
So you might as well hate yourself too
[chorus]
I hate myself and that's ok
Because my hatred for myself will never change
Life is a giant bore, you'll find
And everyone's gonna die
I know it might sound pessimistic
But it's better than being narcissistic!
Hating yourself is cool
Hating yourself is cool
You could die or vanish right into thin air
But if you like yourself no ones gonna care cuz
Hating yourself is coooool
>>63577115
Verbs and nouns make strong writing, and -ly adverbs sound sophomoric
>>63578348
good, now trash everyone else's slop
>>63577637
this is really nice.
Only thing I could think is the word impossibility seems a bit forced in.
But I don't know a better word honestly now that I think about it.
Very nice though. I like the middle bit.
I drive down Life, meandering,
And the Speedometer asks Me to slow.
I see a Sign that says 79;
My Brakes halt and order Me to pull over.
At the Side of the Road,
I look at the Sun Setting,
All of the Colors splayed
Like a Deck of Cards on the Dealer's Table.
I was chasing Green Sunsets,
Yet never found one-
I give up the Ghost.
I decide: better to walk
Than to speed the Rest of the Way.
Where to am I led?
The Crags of a Dungeon,
Oppressed by the Heat of immortal Decrepitude?
The Days of Gray Sun,
Searching for the Mountaintop?
"I never shall see the Blue Sky,"
I reckon. The Night of two thousand Stars
Dawns as Dusk slips under its Foot
And is squashed forevermore.
>>63578539
This will work if you sing it like bob dylan with acoustic backing.
Something similar to the melody of times are a changing.
>>63578382
thanks <3
impossibility actually works very nicely with the rhythm, the song itself is in odd meter.
maybe one day I'll let people hear it
probably not though
>>63578812
Do you have music that you've recorded that you can share? I think the lyrics are great as well
