Post a nice sentence that you recently wrote for your novel.
>>8130155
A sentence is rarely enough, here is a short fragment.
Я шлa к бoльницe чepeз двopы. Чepeз дыpы в зeлeнoм зaбope мoжнo былo paзглядeть кopoбкy дeтcкoй плoщaдки, и дeтeй, пинaющих cдyтый мяч. Их pюкзaки и кypтки cвaлeны в yглy, нa плoтнoм, cтoптaннoм гpyнтe кoнcиcтeнции бeтoнa; иcкyccтвeнный гaзoн cвepнyт pyлoнaми нaпpoтив, oн пoбypeл, и плacтик нaчaл пoдгнивaть. Maльчик в жeлтoй кeпкe зaмaхивaeтcя и пoдcкaльзывaeтcя, пpoeзжaeт нa кoлeнкaх oкoлo мeтpa, пoкa нe тopмoзит лaдoнями. Я пpoхoжy тyт чacтo, я пoмню этих дeтeй, и кaждый paз ктo-нибyдь пaдaeт. Дoлжнo быть, oни вce в цapaпинaх и бoлячкaх. B peбячecкoй нeвиннocти мнoгoe пpячeтcя, a мы oтвoдим глaзa: хoлoдный бытoвoй мaзoхизм - я cдиpaлa бoлячки и ждaлa мaлeнькoй paдocти, кaк лимфa ycoхнeт, и блeднaя poзoвaя paнкa cнoвa зapacтeт кoжypoй. Дeти нa плoщaдкe пpизeмляютcя нe тoлькo нa кoлeнки и лaдoни, нo и нa лицa, cпины, гpyди, хoтя чepeз cкoшeнный зaбop нe paзглядишь шpaмнoй ткaни их тeл.
I need to have sex
>>8130155
It's about a guy and his love for chips
>Doritos, light of my life, cheese on my fingers. My hunger, my munchies. Do-ree-toes: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Do. Ree. Tos. It was chips, plain chips, during lunch, weighing one-point-eight ounces in one hand. It was Cheesy Nacho for snacks. It was Cooler Ranch at school. It was Salsa Verde in the shopping line. But in my mouth it was always Doritos.
>>8130165
I want my character to act like this but I don't want it to be obvious.
>A microphone turned on and tortured their ears with the sound of rustling papers and squeaky wheels clicking harshly across a steel floor. A voice asked for them to stand, in orderly fashion, behind the yellow line.
Here's two I wrote this weekend that I'm happy with:
"The sky was grey with the promise of rain and I went to their house knowing nobody was home."
"My high school was a noisy thicket I spent four years ripping my way out of, a series of hostile compartments in which I chewed gum until it tasted like shoes, napped illegally, was reminded - in no uncertain terms - of a potential I never saw, and most vexingly, the place seemed like an obstacle in the way of something heavy, something I felt I could reach out and grab, had I the ability to see it."
>>8130177
>LOLita
>>8130200
I'm thinking that the house is in the middle of the city, due to air pollution. Because you mentioned grey and rain in the same sentence.
>>8130177
Gave me a hefty giggle, bravo anon
>>8130208
That's not what I intended, I just needed a new way to say something to the effect of "It was going to rain soon."
>>8130225
I guess I'm just reading too much into it.
>>8130177
Thanks for the chuckle, Anon.
>>8130155
I have a knack for emulating John Green:
>The worst kind of pain is one with a promise to stay.
>She was so beautiful that the worst thing about her was when she smiled, I couldn't see her eyes.
>In the mall we encountered all kinds of death, the one that is nicely wrapped, the one that treats you like a real woman in her yoth and then slowly strangles you with her addiction, blame and even hands, the one that hypnotizes you into believing that death does not inhabit malls.
>So they put up fake icicles on the building so that no cards would be parked below, but summer came and they neglected this little enterprise, so now we call it "The Winter House".
>>8130163
Do you translate your own work?
>>8130177
top kek
>>8130251
My Russian suffers because of my English, so I try to get back to the roots. Hopefully it's okay, although I feel at times it sound really clunky.
>"The faggot nigger talking about finding love in blowing his Safeway-manager on the back seat of a Honda, I might be in love with. But that trailer-trash cunt complaining about her crack-dealer boyfriend being in San Quentin and 'how am I going to feed my lovechild that I don't want'--that cunt stole his fucking deserved applause. I'm going to kill that bitch, young man, you watch me."
>And he did.
>>8130275
Do you mind giving an attempt? Understandable if not, but personally, I would love to see.
>>8130310
>>8130323
Is he using good advice to make a commentary on how he chose option #1?
Also, yes, it's edgy--it's about people coming into contact with the main character falling into various states of mental illness, ranging from depression/bipolarity to full-on serial-killing psychopathy.
Mother would call through the slats of the bannister, rattle the soaked wood dripping with the steam of years upon years of billowing clouds of vapor emanating from the simmering pot, the hot glass bowl whose sides repelled the water into gas condensed in weighty droplets along every piece of the taught spruce-cut framework made gelatinous thereby, in winters we would scrape the fatty jelly from the walls, but the house was crippled from the weight of the aspic.
The ships in the harbor had no names, the shops on the streets had no names, and it is very likely that some of the peoples here had no names.
>>8130372
Lol you cant even keep a consistent tense
>>8130395
That's the point retard.
>>8130400
Wacky wednesday lolololol
>>8130317
As I was walking to the hospital, I wandered off the main street and into the maze of inner city. Through the holes in a solid green fence you could see barren playground and the children kicking around a deflated ball. Their coats and backpacks were piled in a corner, on the ground stomped completely flat by generations of kids, dense as concrete; on the other side lay rolls of fake lawn, untouched, their plastic slowly decaying, turning from emerald to mud-brown. A boy in a yellow baseball takes a swing and misses, slips, drifts on his knees for a good meter or so, until he brakes with palms. Then and now I wandered through here often and I remember those children, someone always falls. Must be all covered with scratches and scrapes. In the childdren's innocence hides many a thing, we avert the eyes: cold banal masochism - I tore off the sores and waited for my little joy, when lymph dried up and pale pink wound once again covered with peel, and tore it off again. Those kids in the yard land not only on knees and hands, faces backs and breasts also, but through the little holes in the fence you can't see the scarified tissue of their bodies.
Here you go.
Her eyes roared yes as her lithe torso squirmed away.
Hermoine sleeps shaking.
>>8130424
I'm a fan, although I think the second-to-last sentence could use some clarification.
Thank you for doing that.
The guards gasped loudly; they could not believe what they were seeing once the stranger had removed his sunglasses: he looked even cooler without them!
>>8130177
noice
A great thing—the thing greater than all things were and were to be and ever could be thought—crouched outside the vastness and peered inside and utside, for It could see all of it and It pittitook to it.
>>8130155
Hello My Diary; today I experienced fifty shades of human condition.
The bulge in her pants gave me instant constipation.
Loud lights erected through the curtains, I squinted and crinkled the corners of my eyes and coughed ambivalently, I heard the sound of children shouting in a greenish way just outside.
>Tired of sleeping, F. decided to get up.
"By the petals on my pretty person a princely ponce has come to take my crown."
>>8132445
Terrible
>>8133065
your cough conveyed your inability to make a decision? putting words together with no correlation doesnt make it good writing
>>8130163
Mнe пoнpaвилocь - oчeнь дaжe нeплoхo. Хopoшo пoлyчилocь пpo бытoвoй мaзoхизм
>>8130177
Nabokov would be proud
A poverty of sunshine greeted his morning; he greeted it all the same.
The rain had come, at first slight and soon overtook even the thunder in my ears: the first storm had arrived, pregnant with the kind of chaos that tugs at the fates of an entire populace. Like the hand of god itself brought to strike divine unto those who had fouled. I only hoped judgement hadn't found my soul marred.
>>8130200
"in no uncertain terms" doesn't belong in there
>>8132392
lold
"I want to have sex with you" is what I meant, but what I ended up saying was "I am extremely uncomfortable". She didn't seem very impressed. So I said it again.
>"It would be extremely painful" Bane replied.
>The monotony of sobriety, the misery of a hangover and the ecstasy of intoxication. Here you have the life of modern man in its three constituent parts - though not always in that order.
>What is the meaning of modern life, if not to master it finest art? That is, contentment in monotony.
>The truth fears nothing, least of all investigation - and that is why we, most untrue beings, fear the truth.
>There is a difference between walking through the valley of the shadow of death, and making yourself at home there.
>People would rather give up their principles than go hungry.
I have shit thoughts which I try to record on my phone. I wonder if I'll ever do anything with them.
>>8133321
>I wonder if I'll ever do anything with them.
Please don't.
>>8130190
It's really hard to make that sort of thing not obvious since it's always obvious if someone is a thirsty motherfucker to everyone except himself.
>The Man Who Lost His Future felt he had led an empty life
I know it's corny as fuck but I really feel I need to put the past 5 years worth of young adult angst to paper so I can move on.
It was the kind of rainy where the slug came out of their holes at night and gathered on the streets to participate in blind, androgynous orgies, only leaving white stains of slime the morning after.
Originally in german, also inb4 purple prose
The train car rose in unison, the plastic buckles of backpacks and briefcases thudded and clancked against the hard metal floors.
> It had been a dry summer, the water locked stubbornly into the air, and the woods were desiccated and drab, all but consumed by drought.
A sentence to expound upon a setting, nothing very special but I feel that it's pretty functional and gets across the information I'm trying to convey.
>>8133213
never try to Joyce
>>8134490
I like
>I didn't remember how I had ended up on the floor, but it felt like someone had hit me in the head with a heavy chocolate bat wrapped in cherry flavored barbed wire.
>>8134490
comma splice
>>8134541
>all but consumed by drought
>>8133539
i really hope this is better in german
>>8133318
not bad, maybe add a gerund
>>8133283
Jesus Christ, set an alarm on your phone, and do not post another sentence of yours on this website for exactly one year. At which point we will review your case.
>>8133271
I know you think this is clever, but it's not.
>>8133065
comma splice
>squinted and crinkled
redundant
Half of you people are incapable of using correct grammar for even one sentence.
>>8134607
>felt like
>didn't taste like
"I wish I could tell you that I took his advice, but I didn't. I haven't forgotten it either."
>>8130155
>Her loose, flabby gut seeped out of the top of her tight shorter-than-short mini skirt, her thick, thunderous thighs dimpled by an ill-diet and lack of exercise, and when she sat down her already exposed legs displayed even more as her skirt rode up her thigh enough to where it might as well be a belt, her fat ass sitting directly onto the stool; she crossed her legs for the world to view the wetness of her cunt moistening the thin fabric of her panties, and it was at that moment I knew I wanted to fuck her.
I'm not as offended by the fact that whoever took the picture put a braindead slut that has sucked a thousand dicks in her life and probably another thousand in the next one and never really wrote anything worth a fuck than by the fact someone out there is so much of a tryhard to use gloves to type.
does anybody want to be writing buddies? to keep each other on track for our novels/projects and give each other advice on our writing. it could be funno homo
>>8134655
I'd be down for that.
A friend of mine and I actually have a small printing press where we publish our short stories and novellas, too, if anyone's interested.
There's no profit but a good way to expose people to your writing. We distribute at university campuses all over the Los Angeles area and are trying to expand to San Diego and San Francisco, maybe even beyond Cali
"His ass split open, the hard cracked shit piercing through his lips. He winced in pain, loud and uneasy. His parent's guest heard him from the supper table, meatloaf and gravy in their mouths. A painful moan and the water splashing intensely echoes throughout the house.
"No more chicken tendies tonight!" He says aloud"
As you can tell its pretty serious
>>8134680
that sounds pretty cool (publishing thing and writing buddy thing). i have a few projects in planning stages right now and in the meantime i'd like to write more pulpy short story/novella format works.
what's your preferred way of keeping in touch if you want to?
>>8134680
>>8134703
i am also interested
email me, if u want
[email protected]
>They left her room and wandered out into the massive halls lit bright by torches burning reddish flame.
It's a historical fantasy story.
>>8134732
lots of unnecessary information here imo
we know that torches burn, and we know that fire is reddish
also, maybe you could tighten it, something along the lines of:
>They wandered out of her room and into the torch-lit hall.
you could also just ignore me. i'm probably just impressing my style on you
>>8134655
you are literally so gay
>>8134655
Sure. Hit me up at [email protected]. We can be cool writing buddies.
>>8134758
>>8134721
>>8134680
>>8134655
would you guys be interested in a writing group?
All of us exchanging advice, critiques, and stories maybe once a week?
I'm from a small town in a rural area, so I don't have a lot of people willing or knowledgable enough to critique with.
>>8134749
you can join if u want boii ;)
>>8134703
>>8134721
Okay, so this is the publishing press guy
so far I have,
[email protected]
[email protected]
let me know if anyone else is interested. I'm emailing you guys now
>>8134772
yeah that's what i was thinking now that this has gained a bit of traction. maybe a skype group or something could work, just dropping in as the week goes by and maybe trying to something big once a week or however often if we all can. looking forward to it.
i'm
>>8134771
>>8134655
>>8134703
by the way, [email protected]
>>8134783
>>8134771
>>8134772
I'm interested as well.
[email protected]
>>8134809
gotcha, man. emailing you now and adding you to mailing list
I SPEND A LOT OF EFFORT DESCRIBING THINGS THAT DON'T MATTER IN IDIOSYNCRATIC TERMS BECAUSE I I LIKE PLAYING WITH TOOLS BUT DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO ANY REAL WORK
>>8134783
sign me up
[email protected]
>>8135057
you're in, you'll get the message I've sent out to everyone in a couple of minutes
>>8135063
thanks bud
I was a flower of the mountain yes.
>>8135063
AND MY AXE
>[email protected]
>>8135084
got you to, man
expect an email in a few
>>8134631
>I know you think this is clever
Care to elaborate?
>tfw everyone skips yours
>>8130196
>>8130245
We know it's you, John.
>>8130376
If you stopped after the ships in the harbor I think this would be a good opening sentence.
The ticking of watches filled his ears, driving consciousness from his wearied mind until all that remained were bad dreams.
The undertone angered.
Schweddy balls up his tissue paper.
Whose responsibility is it to make sure the world progresses?
At the time, his favorite song overwhelmingly smelled purple, he could close his eyes and taste it.
I'm not a writer.
I don't have a novel.
The clown horseman took two pennies from his wallet and saddled up his horse before tossing them to the kid, "here kid", he said, tossing them to the kid standing in the corner of the stable gazing hesitantly at the horse in it's pale-as-death-itself white makeup and adorned with red nose like a gauche talisman.
>>8135173
Hmmmmm
"Of course, it didn't bother me, what happened in that King Croute Castle."
I don't exist, yet I imagine a seed will grow ...
>>8135237
Clearly you watch too much anime.
>>8135258
The sentence was self-reflexive (look it up) about the book and, no, I don't watch anime.
>>8132392
Lolmao. Post context or excerpt pls.
>>8135263
I know what it means. You're using it wrong. A self-reflexive sentence would refer to itself, not the body of work in which it's contained.
>>8135283
So you did misunderstand my original post.
>>8130165
Too self-insert-y
>>8135287
No. You used the term incorrectly. You said "The sentence was self reflexive (look it up) about the book." Things are self-reflexive of themselves, not of the things that contain them. Anyway, your original post is drivel, regardless of what it's referencing. It sounds like a Fall Out Boy lyric.
>>8133375
Lol I definitely know I'm thirsty
At work all the time I'm guiltily peeking at asses. My God, it's so difficult to control myself looking again and again as if I was staring at paintings from different angles and getting something new out of it. It's not even fap bank, it's like, aesthetic appreciation mixed with intense, unrequited desire.
>>8135298
An educated, well-read person can see through things more quickly.
Don't feel bad though. It only took one exchange for you to get it. Some people can't ever understand others, no matter how hard they try.
>“Yo, Adam, what the fuck are you doing,” inquired Charlie .
>“The tank is almost empty, we’ve gotta fill up fast,” replied Adam, his interpretation of physics cherishable.
>This was the part of the desert where signs tell one how many miles lay between their vehicle and the next gas station very boastfully and Adam was letting it get to his head, I suppose, so it shouldn’t really have been a surprise that when we did eventually find a service station to pull aside at, he slipped into the back of the van and went right to sleep, Charlie assuming the wheel for the last push to California.
>it's a memoir
>As we looked furtively around the corner at the sordid outcome of connors bet, Xander said to me "I don't want to watch, this is some soddom and gamorrah shit."
>He continued to watch regardless.
>>8135307
The angst! Oh, the angst! You truly are the only one brilliant enough to understand the nuance of existence! Please, oh enlightened one, bless me with your wisdom that I too might someday become God's Favorite Dipshit!
Christ, man, listen to yourself.
>>8135319
No. You can have your internet win. I don't keep track of those.
I enjoy the fact that we understood each other. I find that much more interesting.
>>8135312
>The pouring of the rotten dairy went on for nearly 45 seconds. Connor's inverted legs flailed helplessly and he made sounds I can only liken to that of a very disturbed farm animal.
>I looked away for a moment, the scene was simply too rich in bizzare detail to take in for more than a few seconds at a time.
>I heard a heavy thud, and Quintin and Clark bolted from through the doorway, laughing like maniacs.
>when I looked back my eyes met Connor's as he slowly pulled himself upright after being so roughly dropped.
>there was a trail of spoilt milk than ran from his naked ass all the way up his body and into his hair.
>he avoided my eyes as he closed the shower curtain
>>8130163
Yandex translate:
I walked to the hospital through the courts. Through the hole in the green fence you could see the box of the Playground, and children kicking a deflated ball. Their backpacks and jackets were piled in the corner, in tight, worn-out soil the consistency of concrete; artificial turf is rolled by rolls in front, he poboril, and the plastic started to rot. The boy in the yellow cap swings and slips, passes on his knees, about a meter, while does not slow hands. I pass here often, I remember these kids, and every time someone falls. They must have all the scratches and sores. B childish innocence hiding a lot, a we avert our eyes: cold domestic masochism - I stripped sore and was waiting for a little of joy, as the lymph, will dry out, and the pale pink of the wound will again grow skin. Children on the Playground not only land on my knees and palms but also on the face, back, chest, although through the beveled fence is not make out samnoy tissue of their bodies.
Though I could envision him clearly, crisp in my mind's eye. He stood there, pale faced with lips parted, allowing the light's shine to glimmer off his teeth like granite. I hated him.
>>8134771
Knights of sun? Didn't you mean Knights _of_ the Sun?
>>8130372
So you're using aspic figuratively, correct? Or are they eating steam jelly scraped from wood? Anyway, it needs punctuation to be more breathable but the prose is pretty good.
>>8135328
>The rest of us returned to the living room to sit in silence. It was not a peaceful silence, despite the gentle sound of the shower in the background. It was a pregnant silence. What we had seen, what we had done, left all of us speechless. It had been a giddy and disturbed set up that ultimately lacked a punchline.
>After several quiet minutes, a voice came from the bathroom.
>clear, flat, and emotionless.
>"My farts smell like milk"
None of us had ever laughed so hard in out entire lives.
>>8133239
Not him, but it could just be the kind of imaginative writing that occurs when one person is thinking way too hard about their imagery or tone and doesn't realize it needs what often seems to be tedious explanation to make sure people get it. I'm guilty of this myself.
>>8135033
This is called an intrusive thought to your writing and it must stop if you want to become more natural. Think about what moves you, not what interests you in some snowflake kind of way. If it touches your heart, it's most likely universal, and if not, it doesn't fucking matter because it's still a hidden poetry.
Simon: properly badass, as he will later was on with his broken crayola mustache, which is appropriate in the most helpful length, is telling me that I shan’t go with Mara to get the beers because it is demanded (by what? perhaps tradition and these surrounding heights) that we, with cock and hair to hide our faces, must be ‘badass’.
>>8135166
Never write a death sentence into your work, it has a strong spiritual effect on you.
>>8135374
but your words have no effect on me
>Rodolphe seemed to be psychically comforted by this observation and his face drooped into an even deeper expression of rest, pratiquant la politique de l’autruche.
>You shit-eating bastard, just give me the diamonds!
>>8130323
so he let it destroy him
>>8130155
Frogs are funny and all but you don't want one living in your house.
The plains are not dead and gone; they’ve simply migrated; from Montana to L.A., Nebraska to the Five Boroughs, the buildings like tall, unruly blades of grass, towering above their populace hordes unrestrained; and the crowds flocking out in droves — into Grand Central and Port Authority and Penn Station, then to taxi cabs and subway stops which shuttle them in start-stop commutes between the stems and spikes of pasture, pouring them at nine a.m. onto street corners and freshly-opened businesses; then at last at night, flying and whizzing down Broadway and Amsterdam and 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, down to Meat Packing and St. Marks, Sheridan and SoHo, East Village and Alphabet City, the cab drivers knowing this, circling their untended, nipping at heels and isolating outliers, chasing down young women slowed by miniskirts and high-heels or swooping in on families with children the way hawks descend onto prairie dog young.
"She grazed her thigh against my thigh from a foot away and I came across the sky."
>>8135444
Oops that was my first draft. This is the updated version.
"Uniqua grazed her thigh against mine from half a meter of her center of gravity then I shat across the sky at mach speed."
>>8130155
>And lo! The dragon did march forth with his iron host to meet the demons at the foot of the Oldest Mountain.
>The men of iron met them with song and shout and raucous jeers, so assured they were in their victory, in their grand leader.
>And assured their victory was, for in less than a day the dragon stood before the bosom of the Oldest Mountain and, with a triumphant roar, he tore out its fetid heart.
Spitballing for a fantasy story I'm working on.
>>8130200
are you preparing to shoot up your school
>>8130196
>will the real slim shady please stand up, i repeat, will the real slim shady please stand up
>>8135063
Sign me up as well!
[email protected]
xpost
Burn me, she said. Take this body and make it a funeral pyre. Her cigarette melted into ash and smoke and the ember lit her evening breath. The light in her eyes was already stamped into the dirt. She flicked contempt from her fingertips.
Burn me, she said, because they all think I'm a witch and I'd rather it were you
The setting sun glanced through a gap in the blinds, and a haze of undusted apathy held the weight of the light in the air. Corpuscular rays. Brownian motion. A furrowed brow and a sigh, and a whiff of sheets that smelled of dead skin cells.
How many days had been lost in this sketch? Shoes still on; hair unkempt. One leg dangling over the side of the bed indented by the repetition of dramatic flops. Another sigh, this one louder, to push against the pressure of the quiet. Eyes unfocused and mind glazed over. Glasses dangling in a limp and loosening grasp.
When does another day become just another day? When does just another day become tomorrow?
I'd really appreciate a ruthless opinion on this because I hate it when I start thinking I could actually write.
The stairs spread out and down in front of him. A mix of concrete and urine with scrapes and rust marks leading into a brightly lit subterranean area. He didn't touch the shiny stainless railing on his way down. He waited and slid inside the train car with the same efficient motion that the doors used to slide open. After he moved far enough inside to be out of the way, and his fingers wrapped around one of the metal bars, he made a mental note of washing as soon as he got in. What immediately followed was a cascade unfolding of all the plans and solutions for the busy work day ahead. They all needed to be re-evaluated, tweaked and slightly optimized. He found it exhausting but had about as much control over it as someone does during a car wreck. A stretched out accident that lasts for hours and keeps looping back on itself. He fantasized about the impact. About its short and sudden finality.
>>8130155
Entranced, he fell into the din of drunkenness and merry songs with the rest of the crowd. She was on stage but it was more like she was floating. her green pasties matched her eyes and the music reverberated in his heart, racing to the beat of her hips. after the show he went home and thought about masturbating, but he found it hard to think of her, such an angelic pillar in the midst of gawking drunks. He served himself a glass of scotch, grabbed a book and sat down, but held it unopened for a while. Sleep was nowhere that night.
>>8130424
Y u change tenses tho
:|
>>8134541
Water locked in the air sounds like humidity to me, which doesn't feel like dryness. I would say locked into the clouds, especially considering that gives it a boundary and a sense of division from the earth.
(air borders earth, clouds do not. Thematically, at least.)
>>8136303
id personally write something like "water stubbornly refusing to drop" because i like the visual/audio of a "drop" of water and it seems so greedy to me to hold even against gravity, you know?
>>8136349
just to be clear, i didnt
even aside from the gross objectification its bad, wow what a cool dude, he jerks off and drinks whiskey and pretends to read books, such an exciting character
>>8136358
hit a bit too close to home eh?
>>8136367
yes i take personal offense to casual misogyny and find it objectionable, and if you dont think what you wrote is bad, then consider the sexy lamp test:
>Entranced, he fell into the din of drunkenness and merry songs with the rest of the crowd. The lamp was on stage but it was more like it was floating. its green lampshade matched its bulb and the music reverberated in his heart, racing to the beat of its strobe. after the show he went home and thought about masturbating, but he found it hard to think of it, such an angelic lamp in the midst of gawking drunks. He served himself a glass of scotch, grabbed a book and sat down, but held it unopened for a while. Sleep was nowhere that night.
>>8136367
Trying way too hard with all those fancy words shoehorned in. It really doesn't feel natural, like you just wanted to show off your vocabulary, or if you wrote something and then hit 'find and replace' with a few different words.
And then that last line "sleep was nowhere that night" just reeks of tryhard. You should have written that in purple font.
love of life
>>8136389
>>8136389
Entranced, he fell in with the rest of the singing crowd. She was on stage but it was more like she was floating. her green pasties matched her eyes and the music danced in his heart, racing to the beat of her hips. After the show he went home and thought about masturbating, but he found it hard to think of her, an angel among gawking drunks. He served himself a glass of scotch, grabbed a book and sat down, but held it unopened for a while. He would not sleep tonight.
>>8136437
its still a sexy lamp post and honestly the first sentence was probably the one i liked best
>>8136444
I understand where you're coming from with this Sexy Lamp stuff, but it's a paragraph about a guy who sees a stripper or burlesque show and is turned on by the dancer and goes home and cant get it up. The "test" has no bearing because whatever story this belongs to has:
a) nothing to do with the woman
b) may have something to do with her later on
c) Fuck off with sjw pandering
>>8136463
please explain to me the literary value of "man sees sexy lady and touches his wiener about it"
and spoilers, having nothing to do with the woman is the entire problem because women are not objects. i dont care about the context because its shitty, lazy writing and reflects a general antipathy towards the complexity of humans and that really irks me on a fundamental level
>>8136480
are you the same Anon that was defending Private Citizens? You sound the same.
>>8136652
i have not read private citizens but its probably decent if the author is as self aware as the description would lead me to believe even if it sounds dull
>>8130155
It doesn't make much sense without context, but:
>All I was witnessing was this constant junkie's remember-when.
I liked it.
>>8136682
>not just saying No.
Why do you lie on the internet?
>>8136713
why assume im lying? i read the book's description and gave a vague comment about it
>>8136480
>>8136386
>casual misogyny
it's a dude being turned on by a half-naked woman dancing. it's not even that objectionable since it lacks context. much more objectionable things have had literary merit so your premise makes little sense.
quit pathologizing natural male sexuality. you're aware men are turned on by sight above all, right? you do know that basic feature of the male sex, right?
women will never be seen as more than parts in a 1 second or 1 minute estimation because woah lo and behold neither do women see men that way.
after a 1 minute estimation, a woman would see a man as a combination of this: stature, attractiveness, posture, outfit, social presence/ability, surrounding women and their reaction to him.
just because men determine more with less doesn't make us worse or evil, it just makes you bitter apparently.
He nearly forgot to turn around and slipped on the smooth stone.
This isn't my most extraordinary sentence. I solely like it for the simplicity and word choice.
>>8130155
He could never tell whether the Iron Maiden was weeping or smiling, if only he knew then he would be pleased to learn if the Gods favoured him or not.
>>8130177
Please rewrite all of Lolita in this style, would be a legit copy of. Could you do other classical works like Ulysses or the interrogations scene from 1984 where Winston learns to like the new chips flavour despite hating it previously?
>>8136819
"He nearly forgot to turn around" (not slip)
Could you give me some advice on the sentence? Would a comma before and would clear it up a bit?
>>8136809
It's confusing as fuck. At least out of context.
Did he slip because he turned around? Did he slip because nearly forgot to? Did he even manage to turn around? Did he slip for unrelated reasons?
Please post the paragraph, or this will bug my autistic brain for at least an hour.
>>8136809
>He quickly turned around and slipped on the smooth stone.
Is there a reason for why you used "He nearly forgot to" instead of "He turned around"?
>>8130177
I love it, but I'd think about taking the second, "Do. Ree. Tos." out to get to the three steps a little quicker. Also, have you thought of putting a colon after, "It was chips?" The writing is great, though! There's comedy, style, and Doritos (who could ask for more?)
>>8136843
"He nearly forgot to" makes it seem like an accident. It really just reflects the character well, but I'm open to changes if one comes along.
The executioner stood astride his apprentice, who stood beside his thief, who stood before the many more thieves remaining, awaiting the falling axe and the bleeding basket which all stood atop a raised platform which stood with unholy ceremony in the middle of the town square – and around the platform stood a crowd of cheering townsfolk, who stood, at least for that moment, for pitiless and merciless justice.
>>8136851
This filled me with the same feeling I used to get when having to go to the mall with my mom.
A desperate need for a fucking chair.
>>8136851
I think there's really great potential here. The first sentence rambles on a bit and there are too many awkward pauses, but you really set the stage well. One you sift through it, this will make a great scene.
>>8136859
You should give advice, not just criticize. We're all here to improve our skills, right?
>>8136865
once*
>>8136879
That would be great, but I'm busy working on my own stories and college right now. I'd check out The Rag, Lit Mag online and see what they have to offer. It's a great place to post short stories and read other people's work!
>>8136844
not sure if trollin
its the opening lines of lolita
>>8136894
I think it needs a little work, and if it's nurtured properly, it can flourish. I guess we have different opinions, but that's okay.
>>8136898
Guess I haven't read that. I've got a few books to read, but I'll add it to my list.
>>8136899
Repetition is really hard to pull of and rarely woth it.
Especially if there is no intention of performance.
This is the opening a paragraph of a novella I'm working on. I'll try to translate it from Finnish the best I can. The novella takes place in an iron age fantasy land, and men a feasting before going off on a raid the next day.
Long, stacked logs cracked as fire licked them, and glowing sparks wafted towards the dusky firmament. They dashed out of the fire towards the heavens eagerly and full of hope, glimmering like the stars emerging in the sky - their greater, older brothers. As quickly as they had appeared from the blazing womb of the camp fire, they disappeared. The life of the sparks only lasted a moment, and when their short ardor had faded, it was like they had never existed. Nonetheless, new sparks rose to take their place, and a new generation of tiny orange morsels began their journey towards the skies, only to diminish like the sparks before them.
>>8136955
That's why it needs a little work.
"The executioner stood before a handful of scowling men and women. Each were differently shaped and differently sized, but the truth remained that each was a thief. They all were awaiting the axe and bleeding basket perched before an unholy ceremony of cheering townsfolk, who all stood, at least for that moment, for pitiless and merciless justice."
>>8136977
I like it so far. Maybe say, "They dashed upwards" Instead of, "They dashed out of the fire."
Okay, what about, "They eagerly dashed away from the fire and up towards the heavens, glimmering like stars emerging in the sky."
Creating a picture is a lot more about sensory details and good verb choice (not all adjectives). You are using verbs well, though!
>>8136386
Casual Misoginy?
PFFT HAHAHA
>mfw being sexually aroused by a woman is considered misogyny
>>8137029
Thank you, I really appreciate the tips and feedback. The final shape of the paragraph might different than it is now, but now I'll concentrate on just writing more words and giving them the final polish later.
>>8136386
Lamps don't dance in skimpy outfits, you fucking idiot.
>>8136389
Theres hardly anything fancy about any of those words but I agree that "sleep was nowhere that night" is crap.
>>8136480
>"this triggers me!" Anon typed furiously while his wife's son screamed for some grape juice
>>8134631
Get off your pious horse.
>>8136992
This still needs work.
>pitiless and merciless justice
>>8130177
Omg im dying
>>8137137
>"sleep was nowhere that night" is crap.
Because it's "tryhard"?
Sounds a hell of a lot better than - shieeett juss cudn getta sleep.
>>8136835
Lines that describe the city:
We began flowing through the expansive city too quickly and lost their way. The wooden houses sprouted terraces and second floors, and laundry began to drape itself on the string high above our heads.
We turned back when gold and silver started to trail across freshly-cut stone structures. Even though both of us had lived there our entire lives, we still lost our way in some parts of Ald.
The Context (This is later in the book than the previous lines):
With this, Ethsmir took a wrinkled pamphlet from his pant’s pocket and reached the paper out for me to unfold. It was strong, yet felt soft against my fingertips, like it was specially crafted for them. Transcribed on its face was a letter written in desperate cursive, but before I finished reading it I felt a grin stretch across my cheeks, lifting my face. I looked up at Ethsmir and his expression matched my excitement. Immediately, we tore out of the house and down the hill; the crisp wind streaked across my face and cleaned it with soothing flurries.
“We’re getting the axes, right?” I shouted as I bobbed in and out of the cobble streets.
“Yeah!” Ethsmir called back.
“And they’re at your house, right?”
Ethsmir laughed, “Yes, Thimrur!” He nearly ran into one of the small, wood houses and I laughed right back at him.
His house came up unexpectedly and we would have passed it if Ethsmir's mom had not been shouting at us.
“What are you two doing?” She called out, mildly concerned.
“It’s Treefalling, Mom!” Ethsmir nearly forgot to turn around and slipped on the smooth stone. I walked over to him laughing and outstretched my hand. He gripped it appreciatively and we launched him up to his feet. Ethsmir’s mother didn’t seem impressed but instead looked at me impatiently.
>>8137396
I know, I just didn't want to change it too much.
>>8133321
>There is a difference between walking through the valley of the shadow of death, and making yourself at home there.
I liked this.
>>8136977
>Long, stacked logs cracked as fire licked them, and glowing sparks wafted towards the dusky firmament. They dashed out of the fire towards the heavens eagerly and full of hope, glimmering like the stars emerging in the sky - their greater, older brothers. As quickly as they had appeared from the blazing womb of the camp fire, they disappeared. The life of the sparks only lasted a moment, and when their short ardor had faded, it was like they had never existed. Nonetheless, new sparks rose to take their place, and a new generation of tiny orange morsels began their journey towards the skies, only to diminish like the sparks before them.
Purple as fuck.
>>8137470
I like it.
>>8137706
You seriously just made my entire day better.
>>8136977
Purple in a bad way.
>Long, stacked logs cracked as fire licked them
is awkward as fuck.
It did not sway, yet the presence it held was unstable. The sickly lank it held was less of a towering presence than the posture of a plant feebly holding onto a yardstick to stay upright.
>>8137706
It could obviously use some polishing here and there, but that probably is just nitpicking/taste.
Keep it up this way. Looks like it could be an enjoyable read. At the very least it looks comfy.
Just watch out not to go over the top with descriptions (not too flowery, not too personal: "Will the reader understand the feeling I'm getting at?") and you should be fine.
>>8137748
Have you really never heard that term?
>>8137783
Thank's a lot! It's my second revision of that section so I have a lot more to do with it (especially as the story progresses), but thank you for the advice.
>>8130155
"I was halfway home before I realized the blood was mine."
>>8137791
Yes. It's such a simple line, but it's really intriguing without the context!
>>8136051
Any thoughts anyone?
>>8130163
shit
While I drifted into death, I let myself smile between the wincing and the frustrated snarls of the galactic overlord as he tried to beat into me a sense of obedience.
>>8130155
Ce soir-là, la boîte à musique de la boutique de l'alchimiste demeura silencieuse ; quelques fioles sphériques remplies de fluides aux textures et couleurs inconnues de l'homme étaient encore placées au-dessus de flammes bleues qui rendaient lentement leur âme. Le nuage d'odeurs âcres et mystérieuses se refroidit, et alors que le laboratoire tout entier semblait sombrer dans la pénombre, les symboles tracés sur les pages du grimoire ouvert sur l'atelier semblèrent soudain comme animés par une chaleur mystique ; les mots d'une langue antérieure à l'homme s'étaient soulevé du papier et flottaient, brillants comme l'or, au-dessus d'un chaos millénaire. Les souris à trois yeux, les colombes de feu, les tatous amphibies, toutes les expériences du Maître sortaient de leurs cellules de cristal et d'étain afin de susurrer leurs mutantes mélopées ; la seule lumière à présent émanait du centre de la pièce ; mais bientôt, le silence vint à être brisé aussi bien par les âmes de voleurs qui erraient dans des bocaux vides que par le crépitement d'une pâte de silicium dotée d'une conscience ; bientôt, les barreaux dorés de la cage du démon Azalgoth se mirent à fondre...
>>8138123
is this about gay dom sex
>>8138142
I honestly don't know how you got gay dom sex out of that but at least I know I need to rewrite it.
I despise my mistress of dread but at the same time the comfort is too alluring to resist and eventually my willpower fades and I fall back into her embrace and don’t feel any different.
Birdsong chirped throughout the air as the smell of grass, flowers and fresh air filled tired, acrid winter souls.
>>8138195
Shit I forgot my commas
>>8138231
My cc
>Birdsong chirped throughout the air as the smell of grass and flowers filled acrid winter souls.
You already introduced the air as carrying the birdsong so I don't think you need to describe its scent since that's doubly implied by grass and flowers, and I didn't like tired or how it flowed.
>>8138249
Ok. Thank you for the recommendation
His albinowhite superpointy shiny pale daggers of teeth showed shiningly through his two bloodred smilecurved lips which made an arc like that of gravity's rainbow as he smiled, grinned, -mowed- (as Shakespeare would put it), or otherwise smirked, to be short, concise, brief, to the point and as unpoetic as possible, like Hemingway, whose works I have all read please have sex with me to balance out my more ornate, elaborate, baroque, poetic, dense, prolix, magniloquent, grandiloquent, grand, and naturally lofty style based on Joyce, Woolf, Pynchon, Gaddis, Proust, Kafka, and so on and so forth. holds up spork HOPE YOU LIKED IT GUIZ!!!!!!!11111ONEONEONENOEONEONEONEONelevenELEVENELEVENELEVENELEVENLOLOLOLOL
>>8138621
I actually kind of like it
>>8138121
Insightful.
>>8135339
i'm new to this whole latin thing and just threw something random in google translate to make a new email address. how would you actually write "knights/horsemen/cavalrymen of the sun"?
>>8130165
one million, billion, trillion times this, oh, my plow cow's been uppity in recent days and I need to hold out (hold my bitter little cock out) for the lips of a true beaut'.
Thanks for your relatable post.
>>8130196
pretty bad. stopy trying to lit me and lit me
>>8130200
the second one is a grammatical stillborn
>tfw no crit when you wanted a crit but you don't wanna seem desperate
>>8138755
>tfw when you finally get crit its meme tier garbage
>>8133321
>>The monotony of sobriety, the misery of a hangover and the ecstasy of intoxication. Here you have the life of modern man in its three constituent parts - though not always in that order.
You don't have to be a nigger, anon. The Klan lives and breathes in every major U.S. city and it's now accepting blacks.
>>8134640
it's an unrealistic, monstrous image. comes too fast and strong to properly register as human.
>>8134747
>we know fire is reddish
Ya know what, pilgrim? Sometime's fire's yellowish, bluish, orange, hell, even greenish. You what the phrase "torch-lit hall" invokes for me? The image of an autistic faggot who thinks the point of writing is to use the least number of words possible to convey vaguely the same idea.
>I park behind a truck on the street and jaywalk and slide my card through the reader and take the elevator up to the floor containing my apartment and walk to it and put the key into the lock on the door and turn it leftward and push on the bulk of the door with my right arm (which is threaded through three plastic shopping bags) and enter and kind of collapse onto the living room floor (where I have positioned a beanbag chair previously) and sigh, all in one smooth, uninterrupted motion.
>>8130155
This morning I wrote "Until death take me, I will live," in my diary desu
>>8138780
Cc
>They wandered out of her room into the massive halls lit bright by torches burning red.
>>8135419
>Oh, Detective Rockwell, you're such a gentle lover, nothing like Snake Maddix.
>>8138786
Yr Lapis is v kawaii
>>8136689
that's tight. I like it too.
>>8134640
try putting a period after mini skirt.
"ill-diet" should just be ill diet (or "poor diet").
using "enough to where it ..." at this point in the sentence comes across as lazy and loose.
"sitting directly onto the stool" is awkward, maybe try some variation of "planted".
give it a a full stop before "it was at that moment..."
some other nitpicky things but I think you know this is a monstrosity, keep at it bud.
>The sea bloomed iridescent. She couldn't make out mouthed words over echoing, crashing waves.
>>8136819
>he forgot to slip on the smooth stone?
the two VPs have different tenses so the sentence isn't actually ambiguous, you're just retarded
>>8136977
>Long, stacked logs cracked as fire licked them, and glowing sparks wafted towards the dusky firmament.
I feel like I'm blowing and rimming a fireman as I read this. Is this intentional?
>>8138788
that's betta
>>8138785
does the floor really "contain" your apartment? techincally correct but not the optimal word choice.
"leftward" tends to imply a vague movement to the left, but the action of turning a key in a lock is a more tight and decisive move; stick with "left" or otherwise reword.
"where I have positioned a beanbag chair previously" needs to lose either "previously" or "have".
i like the idea of "one smooth motion" and can even put myself in the position of the narrator, but did you close the door? if you've gone through all the trouble up to that point, all loose ends should be neatly tied up. i feel like kicking or elbowing it closed in aslightly moeway couldn't hurt.
overall i enjoyed the feeling it gave me and it's very relatable; it just needs some tightening up. keep at it.
>>8138823
appreciate dat edit thx
>Glossy fingernails tap tapped on the phone's glass late into the night.
And swooning over nothing but the shade no less and yet, it seemed like rotations had stalled and the moment could not be more pleasant as the sound of leaves on elderly trees were carried by the wind through her freckled ears directly to her soul.
>>8130155
>California.
>>8138827
no problem friend!
>>8137791
concise and intriguing; less than a dozen words and i want to know more.
>>8138755
which one's you? i'll slap it upside the head if you want.
>>8137779
i like the image that formed in my mind after i read it the second time. unfortunately the image wasn't there the first time around because of the poor structure and word choice.
"yet" feels a little purple but it may fit with the rest of your work.
i want to like "sickly lank it held" but stretches itself just a hair too thin (especially after we just saw "held" eight words ago); try "its sickly lank ...".
with "was less of a towering presence than the posture...", it's obvious that you mean that rather than being a towering presence, it was the posture of a plant; at first glance, however, it reads more like a comparison than a distinction (for instance, [even] more of a towering presence than the posture of a plant!).
"holding on to a yardstick" is a good image but needs to be reworded to fit the grim outlook. maybe use "clutching" to give the reader the sense of an old man clutching his cane or walker.
overall i like it, keep at it.
>>8133321
I like most of these, hopefully the rest of the novel doesn't waste them
>>8138780
Learn to take a crit, m8.
>>8136051
i have to say that i like this a lot, so most of what i'm going to say is pure nitpicking for the sake of nitpicking.
"glanced" makes it feel to me that the sun is a lazy observer. the lazy part fits since the sun is setting, but i'm struggling to reconcile the observer piece. i suppose i can see the sun as a master looking over his land before he turns in for the night. if it were me, i might change "glanced" to some other blunt verb meaning pushing or flowing, but "glanced" might just be the best option. again, nitpicking.
i love the rhythm of "held the weight of the light in the air". the way "a haze of undusted apathy" flows complements it pretty well, although it caught me off guard initially, after reading it out loud i think it fits.
i can't complain much about the next few sentences, except for "dead skin cells". maybe omit "cells", although that takes away the feeling that "corpuscular" and "brownian" have built up. i can't help much with this section.
"how many days had been lost in this sketch?" is wonderful.
maybe a comma after bed? the flow gets halted after "indented" when i read it aloud. "the repetition" could be replaced with "a series" but i like "dramatic flops". "pressure of the quiet" just feels right, and I appreciate the use of "quiet" here instead of "silence".
good flip-flop with "eyes unfocused and mind glazed over", feels like solid but subtle grunge lyrics.
"glasses dangling in a limp and loosening grasp" communicates effectively.
the final two lines are solid, and if there's any fault, i can't pinpoint how to correct it.
overall 9.5/10. a small part of me initally wanted to call it "generic teenage apathetic blah blah ..." but after i read it i found myself in it and it was quite enjoyable. keep at it friend.
>>8138934
wasn't my piece
>>8138953
Thank you! I was focusing on the flow specifically so I'm glad you liked that.
The repetition bit felt a little awkward to me looking back on it, but I wrote it in one go and didn't really bother checking anything. I dunno what I'd change it to looking at it but I agree that that part was a little janky.
>>8138846
is "tap tapped" intentional? if so, perhaps a set of three separated by hyphens? (two is fine too).
the compactness of the sentence is good but adding a color to the fingernails in this sentence or another might help with characterization. otherwise p good.
>>8138802
first line great. not kitsch although it could've easily turned in that direction.
were the words really mouthed silently, or can the subject simply not hear them? maybe emphasize that by saying something closer to "she couldn't make out the words (on his/her lips [although this actually much worse])". i think i need to take a step back from the autistic semantics.
"echoing, crashing waves" simply doesn't flow when i read it, isolated or as part of the sentence. maybe i just haven't slipped into the right rhythm though (sometimes it takes a while for it to come out right). again, this is one of those situations where i can't offer a good alternative ("... over the echoing crash of the waves" has an uninspired flow and reads like shit, "echo of the crashing waves" is just bland). i really like what you have so far though, it's the kind of thing i like to read and i would like to write.
>>8138972
>>8138979
"the setting sun slipped" is golden, damn. good call.
i really like the mix of prose and poetry going on here. this has encouraged me to get off my ass and write something.
We were just little ladies with big dreams.
>>8138802
I don't know what iridescent means.
>>8139006
Like this color.
>>8138857
the sentence is a bit garbled but i want to meet this girl.
"nothing but the shade no less and yet, ..." might slide in dialogue or familiar first-person narration, but i'm not sure if i see it working from a traditional third-person viewpoint.
"rotations had stalled" conveys a lot in a few words but comes across a bit sloppy.
"the sound of leaves on elderly trees" makes me want to shout "and the soda water fountain" afterwards.
"directly" might not be the best choice.
maybe it's the looseness that makes this sentence work. there's something in this that makes me think of a pleasant children's book with printed illustrations every chapter; not in style but in feeling, this takes me back to reading the hobbit for the first time.
overall cozy/10 stamp of approval. keep at it!
