ITT: Post the first line of your current writing project.
Pic unrelated.
>>7860831
In the tartan lilt of childhood I liked to spin between glass cases.
The rain relentless and the street was deserted and the stranger's hand was edging ever closer to my wife's breast.
>>7860877
The rain *was relentless
A dildo comes across the sky.
>>7860831
A blank page isn't scary, neither is a clear sky.
>>7860831
Woman has no penis, whatever.
>>7860877
http://vocaroo.com/i/s0AuyraCLHNv
>>7860831
Prebij se skozi zid
naj te dvignejo oblaki
posesaj rožo
posesaj vso kri
saj si le krater v kravati
"So I guess you're wondering how I got here?"
>>7861048
Those words feel like they should be in moon runes desu
Two figures stood in the middle of a seemingly endless grey desert.
>>7861051
record urself reading them, i wanna hear how much you'll butcher it
Zusammengesunken mit röchelndem Atem
Elle devrait sucer ma bit, I do think.
"What the fugg," says our protagonist.
Oil paintings of nude boys lined the walls of King Alexander's bed chamber. Directly across from his bed, the nude portrait of his son and heir, Prince Philip, occupied the place of honor. Prince Philip had posed for the portrait when he was 16 years old. In the portrait, he was reclining on his side in a rumpled bed with his head resting on his arm. He wore nothing but a pink rose behind his ear and a beguiling smile. There was an invitation in the boy's eyes and in his ample erect penis.
She had been a navigator once.
>>7861050
"but first, we need to rewind a little"
>>7861129
i'm hooked
Quand ta mère la pute est venue me sucer la queue telle une chienne en chaleur, j'ai failli jouir de la couille comme un bon gros porc plein de semence crémeuse à distribuer à sa truie laiteuse et chaude au point d'être en rûte. Cette vilaine chienasse pompait mon gland avec une aspiration extraordinaire, j'avais l'impression que mes couilles allaient sortir de mon scrotum pour sortir par mon urètre tellement cette vieille pute me suçait la queue ultra-fort. Vraiment, je crois que je n'ai jamais éjaculé avec une telle force que dans la gueule de ta mère.
>>7861011
The sound on my PC is broke, what does this say?
The sound of drums thundered across the theater as the cry of a thousand warriors.
Me detengo en el umbral de la puerta de la sala de reuniones del Hotel S para contemplar durante un instante el escenario: los vendedores, con poses que desprenden hastío, se sientan detrás de cajas de plástico o cartón llenas de vinilos apoyados sobre su canto y dispuestos uno detrás de otro, en espera de alguno de los diletantes que merodean por la sala y se detienen ocasionalmente ante alguno de los puestos (esta selección suele tener bastante de azaroso) para escoger, con celeridad entrenada, cinco o seis LPs, escudriñar sus fundas y estado y, eventualmente, elegir uno en concreto descartando los otros.
Something splashed in the toilet bowl.
"You're a big guy," he said, admiring the taut muscles which adorned the masked man's stout frame.
and but so she would become the social justice warrior.
Neither of the Grimes sisters would have a happy life.
When you find yourself inside of a malfunctioning Astro-Clippern smoke billowing out of the pilot's dashboard into your sensitive eyes, there are many things running through your mind.
>>7861481
Mola
"If you want to find your fortune, you need to come to Amerika." Vodka dribbled down the sailor's face, wind-burned.
After the third puch in his face there were no teeth left to be knocked out.
I stared at the battered voilet cunt and it stared straight back. Gasping for air. Knowing it would forever be as restless as the strung out wench it belonged to.
>>7860831
"You shall become death, the destroyer of worlds"
His penis went into her penis. "Cool."
- Oh I bet you will like me - he smiled from underneath his tipped fedora - I'm nihlistic, intelligent and with a quite wicked sense of humor.
>>7861919
>Gasping for air
that was actually pretty vivid. i lost it.
>>7860936
It's better without the "was" imo
>>7861845
>puch
>>7860831
A crowd I suppose.
The plastic penis electric dildo wriggled in the shadow of the moonlit window, gasping amongst the puddle of blood like a fish out of water. He was dead.
I am protected by filth. My desk is coated with ash, my floor is hidden underneath garbage, a wall of junk obscures my door, and sunlight no longer pierces my dusty windows.
>>7860831
i went to high school with charizard guy. i still see him driving around in my town sometimes. guy's 22 but he's looked exactly like that with the moustache and everything since 9th grade.
I am livid. Covered in effluence, cold, too weak to move. I feel my sister slide out beside me, silent, still. I turn my head around to see if it is possible to claw my way back into mother's torn cunt, when, with a mammoth grunt, she shits on my head.
I have known beauty
(yes the line's sappy but the rest of the thing explains it.)
(may or may not be a scene about gay rape)
>>7860831
Roger's first ten stories began to decohere.
It was there on that porch that I first saw it.
>>7862165
I disagree but I respect your opinion
>>7862415
Is he much younger? Does he like it? Does the grass he's being forced on oddly reminds him of this afternoon he and his single mother spent together in a park when he was 6? Does he doze off in nostalgia while someone pounds him on the ground?
>>7860877
http://vocaroo.com/i/s0IjylyzyuEy
>>7862105
underrated
"I have the girls grabbed, cornered with sugar on the floor four times"
>>7860846
What exactly do you mean by 'tartan'? What about the mentioned lilt of childhood is 'tartan'? I only know this term to mean the Scottish pattern, so I don't exactly see what you mean.
>>7861050
*record scratch*
>>7860831
She watches him.
>>7860831
Nothing is. A plane of existence apriori to all, heavy with submaterial substance.
>>7861129
it's good!
It was a dark and stormy night
Love is a harnessed satisfaction
Bincent, he told me his name was.
Tad contrived. Will probably change it in the future.
Some of these are very good.
We were both passengers on that train; we smiled at each other as that pretty never-ending country passed on by behind the window—and then there was no longer any need for windows, seats, train cars, or even any metaphors at all.
>>7860831
"What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch?"
Stouty, Plush Betty Megane came from the stairhead, bearing a belly well fed in which a full meal and desert lay consumed.
>first two but oh well
Anna was lost. She sat in the diner eating half a cheeseburger while John Denver played on the radio on the counter, a tinny, garbled rendition of 'Take Me Home, Country Roads' blaring out way too loudly for this side of midnight.
"I always felt like fictional immersion came way before the picture begins."
(Translated from French, maybe it doesn't mean anything idk. What is the best way to say "film" in english? Why do you have like 5 different words to say it?)
>>7861844
Is this a reference I didn't get? I actually think it's great.
>>7863304
lol, I like that one
>>7863492
Feels a bit "heavy" imo. Nice idea, but the execution is a bit poor imo.
I remember fondly my time as a wakashū: leaving my peasant family at age eleven to live within the majestic confines of Edo castle; realising my dreams of learning the ways of the samurai; but more vividly, I remember the ways of honour and love taught to me by my mentor, my nenja, the man who would become Tokugawa Ieyasu.
He was elected to scout over the hill. They never spoke a word on their journey, but the implication was all the same.
Against the backdrop of a disgustingly defined sea of concrete marches a wayward soul, bound to the earth by only blood.
The breath of the bellows blew the sooty air through the blackness and filled my lungs with a heavy and hot smoke that doubled me over coughing as the contractor waited ahead to continue.
>>7861011
>>7862554
Just listened to these and although you both missed out the 'was' which I forgot to add first time, I liked the passion with which you read it and either one of you has a guaranteed job as audiobook narrator when I inevitably sell a million copies and gain some popularity.
Unfortunately that might be a while yet because I've only written this line and am unsure where to go from here.
>>7861361
>>>/1518/
It's nights like this I hate my job, the pounding rain on my skin, cold catching in my lungs, a typical Chicago winter night.
One Yunogram capsule and I'm a sweltering karma bullet for radial bystanders.
>>7860831
Kultur in einer landwirtschaftlich orientierten Dorfgemeinde mit Fokus auf Wechselwirkungen zwischen Machtverhältnissen zwischen den Menschen und zwischen Mensch und Natur
>>7864045
Truly awful. "I don't do drugs but like to write about them because they're cool."
>>7863827
Too many descriptors, too long of a sentence.
>>7863952
Alright, though I'm not really hooked
>>7863735
Lot of fluff here. Could really do without "a backdrop of." "Disgustingly defined" is meaningless for the purpose of setting the scene.
>>7863675
Weeaboo shit, also you misuse a semicolon.
Wherever and however we look, by whatever metric we choose, by quality or quantity we are sure today that it is all memes—complex, free-floating structures of self-replicating, reconfigurable affects and ideas—all memes, all the way down.
"FUCK!"
"So maybe I’m no king of the urban jungle, no president of street smarts, no emperor of the concrete whatever, but in my line of work I ride the waves of the internet, fly the highways of the fiber optics, I’m a zephyr across the deserts of cyberspace, mkay, and the open vistas of the world wide web are my red river valleys, my high-rise plots, my open market, my killing fields."
>>7864122
fabulous
>>7864137
disposable and sophomoric
>>7860877
what's the title?
>>7862630
damn, my tongue like this.
>>7861919
shit nigga i liked this one
A screathing jumps across the sky
>>7860831
His gaze was set upon, the horizon ; iron and salt, sting of the sun and the knight had wished the winds would carry his prayers.
>>7861481
>writing in present tense
>>7861481
Also,
>"elegir uno en concreto, descartando los otros"
Goddamn, the first sentence was enough, don't add stuff just to get your word count.
>>7861845
>Getting all teeth out with three punches.
Unless this guy was already missing a lot of his teeth, this is nonsense.
>>7860831
I loved you, you fucking cunt.
>>7864232
A troubled cure for a troubled mind.
I was only nine-years-old, i loved shrek so much.
>>7864328
Did you take this from a Nick Drake lyric?
>>7864595
Yeah, my previous title was shit and I'd been trying to come up with a new one for a while, and then I heard this when listening to Drake and realised it's got a nice sound to it, and it's pretty closely aligned to some of my ideas for themes.
>>7860831
In some traditional cultures, it is believed that the self-talk children engage in is a symptom of possession. Of course this is untrue: it is perfectly natural for children to talk to themselves. It aids them in self-regulation, it allows them to practice communication, and overall it is a healthy mechanism that signals normal development. Most people outgrow their verbalized self-talk for the most part, relegating it to thoughts, or murmurs.
>>7861481
Resumelo en 10 palabras porfa. Me molesta eso de la literatura latinoamericana, a nadie le importa el nombre de la calle, de la plaza, de la señora Martita que vende historietas en la esquina, o tu cafe favorito. Expresen ideas, no escenarios csm.
>>7862554
finnish?
>>7863634
>I chafe at seemingly, but I don't know why. Apparently adverbs are bad. The image intrigues me, though.
You want to read the rest of it?
I knew of a marionette; she is petrified, she is quixotic, her legs lay cross, with her face covered by her hands.
>>7864928
American-Palestinian, but how did you deduce Finnish?
Coming up on my fourth and most eventful of the sort, I was struck by the peculiar geographic arrangement of audiences on opening nights in Egyptian theatres as contrasted with what I knew of their foreign counterparts.
>>7862322
It says a lot about this board that I want to ask you which of the two guys writing novels with electronic dildo antagonists you are.
>>7864219
bretty güd anon. knock out the "president of street smarts" + replace with something else in the same vein and you'll be ready for sentence 2. king and emperor both imply complete dominion while president is a little more bureaucratic.
>>7865926
Quixotic is an earned word. Dropping it in the first sentence almost always signals an unhealthy desire to impress.
“You ever hit someone with a dog?” Em asked, taking her ball cap off and scratching her scalp.
I'm thinking this will come later in the story, but it's the line I wrote first.
>>7860831
Rodandundundantnych redododendronów,
>>7860831
"If I convinced them I'm gay will they let me in for free?"
>>7865926
pick a tense
>>7864239
Thanks. Writing the whole thing to be both pleasing to the mind and tongue is hard as hell
X looked out toward the street, her t shirt doing nothing to shield the cold air coming from the open window. She looked beyond past the boxy cars, the angry people, and the winged-rats perched on telephone poles.
Alot of you guys are trying to do way too much with the opening sentence. Like, I realize we are all trying to impress our /lit/ buddies, but it's still no excuse for ham handing it.
>>7863513
probably go with the word "movie" for a more casual setting.
>>7861844
Personal taste, I don't like having adjectives at the end like that. "the sailor's wind-burned face" just feels better to me. But in context, it could work depending on your style.
"I don't think I've ever seen my parents have a meaningful conversation with each other."
Considering using that line to open a play/screenplay as well.
>>7866396
movie if its a low-culture theme
film- if its more of an art/high culture thing
picture- if it takes place before 1970
cinema/movie theatre - where its being watched
>>7866410
The british might still say picture
Are you around ceit? Can you answer this?
The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggles, an interminable notion that has influenced works of literature in similar directions
He could feel it picking away through the back of his skull, working its way through his skin and hair, around the top of his head until it rested over his eyes, blindfolding him.
>>7866414
in my experience as a British person, one might "go to the pictures", but if you referred to a film as a picture outside of that context you might confuse people
>>7865514
Sure!
>>7866404
meh
>>7860877
I like it.
I'm assuming line isn't synonymous with sentence.
There’s a dull glow on my face and I’m reading. Her correspondents are:
>>7866476
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Ydp34c2AEqUAs_N-NZARWbUeppx7DOM_12XKX564Hzo/edit?usp=sharing
Skip the first 3 pages of chapter 1 as it was written three words at a time by me and a few buddies to set the story up initially. It will be changed later.
Also this is supposed to be YA
POOPPIES HAHAHAH XDDD LMAO LOOK A POOP HAHAHAH
**ffarts***
MMMMMM *sniff*
SMELLS LIKE.....CUMMIES!!!!
YUMMY CUMMIES!!!!!
What does /lit/ think of this?
No matter how hard I stare, the wall doesn't move.
The year is 2100. The world is hot.
"Get out of the pool, Tyrone."
>>7866972
I see that you take inspiration from Pynchon. Needs a little work though. Could be good.
>>7860831
The Iraqi invasion of Kuwait was the spark that lit the War on Terror.
>>7867252
Would eating turds straight from a butt while imagining said turds to be negro cocks be good enough?
>>7867378
Well you would still have to work on your prose, but it could help flesh out your plot.
"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men."
>>7867454
Lmao fuckin gay
Pounding rain, it's all I can hear. There seems to be a dull noise there, maybe not? The constant downpour, I have to focus, but my head won't stop aching. How long has it been? My ears are ringing.
I'm a shit writer.
>>7860831
It was the fact that was patently obvious to those well versed in statesmanship that, if the presiding equation of humanity continued at a constant, Earth would be rendered uninhabitable, proxy wars would spin into conflicts of astronomical destruction, and all in all the sheer incompatibility of the world’s people would transgress the container known as political borders.
The shopkeeper wouldn't kill anyone. Everybody knew that.
>>7867586
/pol/ plz go
>Also work on your fucking syntax, half the words in there scream "8th grader that just learnt what polysyllabic means". It's your opening, make it more succinct.
>>7867530
The.
>>7867626
A horrible start to an even worse book that I'll never finish because I can't write worth a damn.
>>7861481
Es de mierda pero al menos puedo entenderlo :)
>Escribiendo en el presente
Tanto asqueroso en español como en inglés, temo notar. Aconsejo que te suicide mi chorizo.
>>7860831
Jason lit a cigarette.
My favourite flower is the forget-me-please.
>>7867530
I get the impression from reading this that you're trying too hard to create a certain style, rather than writing what you really feel and want to write.
>>7862389
this one is probably the only one in the thread that seems somewhat legitimate/serious and publishable
i'm not kidding
>>7862389
actually I read it again and it's fuckin brilliant, so much weight already
>>7863304
why not
>passengers on 'a' train
>as 'the' never ending-country
why that in both instances?
>>7863492
I think if you took out the first sentence and reworded "this side of midnight" it'd be much less melodramatic. unless you're going for a noir-like feel or something akin.
>>7860831
"Cuando los seres humanos dejaron de soñar nadie lo admitió."
Not a fan of long descriptions-lines. I prefer to be concise and direct, leaving long-ass lines for very specific moments, when I really need'em.
>>7860831
A man walked alone in the hot desert sun, slowly baking underneath it. For miles around him, there was nothing but golden sands that rose and fell almost like waves.I'm trying to write a book and this is the first line of the first chapter.
>>7867851
It's just clichés, sorry bro.
>>7867882
Those two sentences contain more than one cliche? Which ones?
>>7867885
I suppose you could argue it's just one, long cliché but here:
>A man walked alone
>in the hot desert sun,
>slowly baking underneath it.
>golden sands that rose and fell almost like waves.
With the exception of the last one you might get away with them if they were in sentences about something else, but put them together and it's just not good. Find another way to describe all that without doing so. Maybe something about how the long thin line of tracks made by one pair of feet are being slowly erased by the minute winds, or will be erased in a sandstorm soon. Just spitballing here, but try to find a novel and interesting way of approaching it.
>>7867896
Well that's just part of the first paragraph, not the whole "Thought"
>>7867908
It's your book, do what you like but keep in mind how important the first line of a book is.
>>7864290
>omnipotent jab
>Carnivirous left hook followed by an abominable uppercut
Follow this strikeset to crush any opponent's teeth into dust.
Your time in the den of crustaceans has endeared you to none around these parts, young Bryce. If needs must, you may take shelter in Old Quincy's pig farm, but if it is not pressing, you'd do very best to leave the village without delay.
>>7862165
Have to agree with >>7862496, omitting was for one subject and not another looks odd.
Also consider revising that second statement
"...and the street was deserted..." if you get off by getting cucked why would you let your attention be so divided? You can hear the rain, especially a torrential downpour as described, which is fine, but either you're looking outside the window to the street or at your wife's titty, so which is it?
ASCREAMING COMES ACROSS THE SKY. It has happened before, but there is nothing to compare it to no.
A silent gust of wind howls across the road, carrying with it a brown paper bag. "Ernest!" an old lady is heard yelling from her kitchen, "We're out whiskey".
Fade in:
(It's a screenplay)
>>7867963
kek
It was on the morning of my twenty-third birthday that I discovered—a scene lit, it seems to me from posterity’s vantage, by some ineffable quality of the dramatic, a delicious caprice of irony, such as one encounters in comic operas or Greek tragedies—an unknown shadow of a man rutting away at my intended in a manner that recalled (with a certain je ne sais quoi) Pasiphaë and the Bull of Crete.
>>7867947
This guy went to college.
A letter was pushed beneath the door while Isaac slept.
The old man had fled on feet blackened by ash to a place where he knew he could die in safety.
Growing heavy, a black egg falls from the branch of a fig tree, nestles into the earth, and awaits the drink of life.
>>7868725
This sounds to me like you're trying way too hard.
>>7868814
It's inspired by Romanticism and Gothic stories and set in the 1820s, the writing style is supposed to be adorned
>>7867842
I don't have a critique on your first line on account of the fact that I can't speak spanish... But I agree with your sentiment on stretched out, meandering opening lines. A sharp, intriguing first line is, in my opinion, the best.
Granted, I've yet to perfect that to any degree...
>>7867779
Sounds like the opener to a John Green novel, or some sort of YA romantic thing.
Though, it's not bad. Just kinda meh.
>>7866491
This is so-so. Provides a clear image but is kinda void of any hook. I'd expect to see this kind of line on, like, chapter two of whatever story this is part of.
>>7868815
op said first line you fucking prick
hang yourself cunt
and your writing is shit
He tenderly placed his lit cigarette into the tramp's coffee-stained change cup.
>>7868818
Well you've nailed it then. Knowing this and reading your line again, it feels much more appropriate. Opulent.
Red and white - the Tyrant's blood on the floor - lit by a false sun.
>>7868867
I think this has a lot of potential, but I'm not very impressed by the sentence structure.
Makes me think of this image, even though it's the tyrant's son whose blood stains the floor.
The more I think about it, the more I realise that when one thinks about a concept for long enough, he is bound to arrive at the wrong conclusion.
>>7868883
Yea I feel like the hyphens may be too much, but before that it was commas. Maybe beef up the midsection a bit too.
>>7867704
no él pero es obvio q no sos hispanoparlante nativo tampoco
eso o sos chicano saltamuros en los EEUU :^)
suicídate boludo
>>7868931
>no él
venga, hombre...
>>7868900
Don't go overboard on any beefing up. I think the ingredients are all there, just gotta make the recipe look good.
>>7868935
en serio wey :)
>>7868837
Rate this pls
>>7861059
Seemingly is bad. Fix that and you have a start
>>7861129
You need to ease me into this, im immediately repulsed otherwise. Also the pacing of your sentences are too stop starty, choked. Fix dat
The man sighs as the lights flicker across his face.
>>7861479
This is good maybe cliche because of the thundering drums, but still good.
>>7861919
Actually good although I have a feeling you made this up right now.
"This..."
Oscar snatched Tyler's beer out his unsuspecting hand.
"Is Lithium," Oscar said, his face stuck in an uncontrollable smile.
Not even close to the first line, but the first one I have written.
Tears mingled with cum dripped from her cheeks and chin, what would Jason do?
>>7860831
A screaming comes across the sky.
What I learnt today was: deserts, rain, and things being lit are all to common story tropes.
突然觉得在这么干净明媚的秋日午后,不该有任何的伤感。
天凉了,好个秋。
>>7869164
>Things being lit
>is on lit
Can you see the problem here?
Someone correct my mistakes and rate
>I was sad
I sat rest in my place of slumber which was now a windowed coffin. I noticed the clouds outside cried rivers as the stains on the wall glared at me with empathy along with the darkness that loomed the room that accompanied the utter silence. I stood on the Devil's pedestal and stared at the forbidden knot my very hands forged and decorated around the razors on the ceiling. Letting Death's serpent wrap round my neck, I reflected on my past goals that I pathetically failed to fulfil. My lungs took a large dose of life as they prepared for my subconscious to euthanise me into sleep for the final time.
>>7869164
>tfw im an 'offender' but idgaf since its all about the sound
Introduction
"The end."
I start at the end as a gimmick.
>>7869301
Jeremy already did that
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xyoh8EDvus
Something is wrong.
It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times.
>>7868837
Confusing, clumsy, over done. Tenderly sucks by the way. Not a good beginning, this might work further in the piece
See what man fails to see beyond the shut gates of night breaks, sudden stops of time-shattering sleep: seven days do not a week make.
>>7869364
Seems like the second line and is a little tongue twisty, i like what you're going for though
>>7869358
kek
Mariano peered through the stained glass.
>>7868737
perfect harry-potter-core
>>7868837
tenderly is complete ass
'he placed his lit cig' is way more interesting/capturing
>>7869362
I didn't wanna say gently dropped because he deliberately and carefully puts the cigarette in the cup as opposed to haphazardly flicking it in
When I thought of the scene it made me laugh. What's confusing about it?
>>7869693
What's a better word then? He didn't just drop it in the cup, he deliberately and carefully put it in as if he was doing it with love in his heart
>>7869713
>he deliberately and carefully put it in as if he was doing it with love in his heart
Just use this instead of tenderly.
And at that moment, it was as though I truly could sense life; I saw angels in the sky and smelled their heavenly perfume as they pooped a perfect array of ball-shaped turds, as if they were goats come up from hell to call me names and exclude me from their social goat-cliques.
>>7869713
don't need an adjective for it. you can qualify the action in the next sentence. you don't need to describe the action and everything all at once.
>>7869713
'Placed' already implies putting something down with more prescision/care than normal anyway. Placing something is a considered act.
You don't need an extra word because that would be overdoing.
>>7869749
I guess so. It just seems like such a dull word
Forget Cataline and Coriolanus, the role of art is to serve the state - change minds - no; build on prejudice.
>>7869178
I don't think they were being that though.
>>7860831
>He's my commander in chief, my god and my all. He is prone to all things mathematics. And he is adored by me. Who am I? Pathetic and shallow woman, who tries too hard to fake an identity who isn't mine. I, who doesn't know true life, will never be worthy of this man.
Do you like it /lit? Love me please.
Forget Cataline and Coriolanus, the role of art is to serve the state - change minds - no; build on prejudice. Poetic justice is just rhyme.
It don't work without the second sentance
>" "
Thats my first line, i've not started, not yet.
>>7867310
nobody cares
Suspended in the cold, the speck of ancient dust sat alone. If anyone cared to look upon the tiny fragment they’d see it as nothing more than some indiscriminate whiff of fiber. Common airborne filth, unremarkable in every aspect, but not tonight.
And the other one...
Warming the landscape and awakening a new day, gentle sun rays tenderly crept over the low grassy windswept hills east of the sea shore. In an old oak, dawn brushed the upper most branches before slowly trickling downward in its quest to warm away last night’s shadow. Midway down the trunk they found two closed eyes and Chantal awoke.
The first line of my story is complete shit for whatever comes after. Needs to be fixed.
>The autumn sun streamed through my kitchen window that morning, gleaming on the blackened patches of skin on my arms where ink lay.
>>7869812
I think I would have said "And I adore him". Or if you're going with the "he is", perhaps "And he is the object of my affection." Just sounds better.
>>7868822
We all have to perfect that, anon. Just keep it with the good works and improve.
As I accelerate away from the hive orbital, the undervoice whispers, "Urqulon awaits you."
>>7870061
URQULON AWAITS.
MY LOINS TREMBLE.
THE UNDERVOICE QUIVERS FROM MY BOWELS
Thanks to all my friends again,
>>7870061
>vomitingfrog.jpg
The fetid air of revolt is wafting through the manors of our good lords and ladies.
>>7860831
Descending over the San Gabriel mountains into LAX, Los Angeles, the gray rolling neighborhoods unfurling into the distant pillars of downtown leaping out of its famous smog, one can easily see the fortress narrative that Mike Davis argues for in City of Quartz.
Jonathan Granger was in many ways the ideal man: handsome, educated, witty - and of course he hated the muslims.
>>7870112
"Muslims" should be capitalized.
>>7863827
I like it
>>7864122
Epic
>>7864846
Digging the clinical scholarly cover that already betrays bias.
>>7867851
Burning gold, tossed around like sea spray. It cuts at the face and eyes. Lost in miles of it, a man walks under the desert sun.
Do anything different than what you did. Sounds cliché and forgettable
>>7869164
The man was alone. Surrounded by an endless sea of sand, and yet off on the horizon he saw dawn breaking under black storm clouds. It would be rain there. Night still here but soon only more punishing under mans most primitive God. He didn't spit. He moved on.
Atop the hospice there are adobe scrags and leaves like Apache Tears whose symmetry is lost to the patients. But to Chloe they are a continuance of plant reincarnation and bear the eld of leaves past and erstwhile wilted. Leaves do not die, they wilt.
The farmer took a handful of dead earth from his ruined field, weighed it in his hand, then let it slide between his fingers like water. "The Negroes did this to our land," he said quietly to his son.
>>7870118
I wouldn't capitalise the word vermin so why would I capitalise a synonym?
A guy woke up and was a cockroach.
"Heh," muttered Zack as he slowly unsheathed the broadsword hidden beneath his trenchcoat, "I don't think you'll be calling me 'gayboy' for much longer. It's a bit hard to do when you don't have a tongue, you know."
After Ebola went airborne and drug resistant, Sub Saharan Africa was population free. After 7 years, blacks form America and England were offered the oil rich land of Nigeria and the diamond rich land of South Africa if they wished to re-settle in their ancestral homeland.
The white English and Americans chose the fertile plains of Rhodesia to call their own.
"I hit the ground running."
Standalone, perhaps, not much, but it flows well with the rest of paragraph. The opening is punchy to grab attention; the book cools down afterwards. Any fans of war and action novels?
Julio’s looking at tits again on the shop computer; Marshall shoulders it off with a casual chuckle, and we all eat lunch together.
>>7860831
Huddled in the corner of the ring, Donovan’s hands covered his swollen face, his eyes burning from the steady stream of sweat pouring into them.
>>7870447
This is great. But you better be backing this up with some good shit. Dont one line me bro
>>7860831
Where did I go? All those images of me—shotgun craters on my floor. The first: a sunny day out in corn. The green stalks slapping at my shins as the shouts of dogs and men careen through the repeating foliage. A warm rucksack tucked beneath my arm. Dad in my thoughts.
>>7870455
Too many words, actually good intro though. Cut some words, then cut some more
>>7870457
http://www.vernandsisters.com/chicken-soup.html
check me out, breh.
