So I previously posted my short story in the past for critique. I mostly got complaints about the grammar, etc. So I've gone back and edited my short story to the best of my abilities. I'm mostly looking at critiques for content, but grammar critiques are acceptable too, as long they're constructive.
Also this story is on Wattpad, which requires a login. It isn't anything too hard to sign up for but if it's a problem for you, I understand. Please refrain from complaining about it in the comments, you will be ignored.
Thank you and here's the link:
https://www.wattpad.com/230500684-a-misguided-arbitration
what makes you think your story deserves its own thread?
moreover, why does it merit having a cover?
and jesus, you really expect me to create a wattpad account just to read your precious little story?
who the fuck do you think you are?
the arrogance is incredible.
>>7846978
Who says I'm arrogant? I think you are mistaking professionalism with arrogance...
>>Back to the cheeto bag you go.
>>7846987
>professionalism
>I previously posted my short story in the past
Keep it up, son.
>>7846996
Thank you, I think...
>>7846978
>professionalism
>posting it on /lit/
pick one
or alternatively, try submitting a short story to a journal and attaching a cover page. see if they think it's professional.
Anyways, fuck you, I read the part that wasn't blurred over: you can believe that if it was good, I would say so, but it wasn't.
>Story
Really disappointing. I expected that it would least effectively cover the topics of suspense, love, and mystery, but none of those things were evoked. I can see evidence of a sloppy attempt at romance, at least, but it felt unbelievably forced. The narrator was so cloying that I found myself almost forcibly relating to Cherry just to get out of his head, and in that position, I just found him more disgusting. I did not buy that she was interested in him. It felt like some kind of subtly self-destructive move. And she's a prostitute who he reforms or something like that? What bullshit.
>Prose
Childish and convenient. I've read some pornographic stories before, and the writing style is a lot like this: it seems like the author just wrote directly out of his ass in order to accomplish some goal besides good literary writing. I don't know what to make of it at all. It's so incredibly lazy and is just totally devoid of any redeeming quality. The fact that you thought you should write a story is perplexing to me, like those people who go on American Idol and then simply cannot sing: why did they come? who told them they had a shot? how can someone possibly be so deluded, and then on top of that, immodest to the point that they think the world deserves to hear their voice? It's just unbelievable.
>>7846962
damm, you cant escape the mattpat
>>7846962
If you want real commentary why can't I copy and paste your text for line-edits? I've signed in.
Yeah this is pretty terrible. Both the story and the cover.
I think I'll try to post somewhere else to make it easy for you guys.
>>7847083
Never mind, I've lost the little bit of care I had. This is why you don't use Wattpad
>>7847094
I'm sorry to hear that.
>>7847033
Ok. I respect your opinion but I would like to know what to improve on. Can you give me specific skills to work on?
https://wordsempire.wordpress.com/
This is a new link. No account required. You can read Misguided Arbitration there, as well as my other horror short story.
>>7847158
Absolute shite on every level. The only way you'll ever even begin to get competent at writing is if you forget everything you think you know about writing and start from scratch.
>>7846962
i wish i was a cactus so i wouldn't have to read another line of your terrible story
Is it really that bad...?
>>7847158
You should work with an editor before presenting your work. There are a lot of mistakes in there.
> "I really began to become something of a shut in"
You don't have a good writer's or storyteller's voice. You add a lot of extraneous words and have awkward phrasing.
It might seem unfair that everyone's criticizing form rather than content, but would you want to read your favorite novel if I went in there with a pen and started screwing up the prose? There'd come a point where you'd give up.
Anyway, I'll stop before I give you any more free advice. You need to find someone to work with and break it all down for you. You're at the beginning of your journey. Good luck.
>>7847261
This was really my first time writing in this style and genre. I guess maybe that's why it's sub-par.
>>7847266
I have a hard time believing you can write well in any style of genre.
>>7847339
Well you're entitled to that opinion. I just want to become a better writer. I knew very well coming here, I was going to get torn a new asshole. I don't care though, I'm just here to make it better and make myself a better writer. Some of you have malicious intentions and fine, but don't think for a second that it'll stop me from being a writer.
You are a bad writer and a stupid person. You should do a different thing.
> best advice in this thread
>>7847457
You're a fat disgusting abomination on this planet and you will a pathetic, Cheetos-stained, lonely death. Your a vile fetus that not even the most childless shamed whores would want.
>>7847257
Did you read it?!
>>7848043
I wrote it.
Youre repeating yourself constantly,
"I looked in my icebox, there were no peas"
"What happened to the peas?"
"She looked like a night walker."
"I'm a hooker, as you probably guessed."
Im guessing you want your character to seem perceptive, but it only succeeds in tiring the reader when they read it again, like yes we know, get on with the story! You're bogging everything down when you do this, and it reads like shit anyway so theres no reason it should exist. Try going around the subject with slight details, make the whore stink like sweat and roses, your hero will smell her perfume immediately upon opening the door, and the reader will thank you for switching the sense from sight to smell.
I have to be honest I only read to the point where they learn each others' names, and if you're thinking "keep going, it gets better!" then you should probably stop writing altogether. There really is so much shit to read on this planet (like those ancient Vesuvian scrolls oh God) that people would much rather spend their time on.
>>7848051
I see.
>>7848187
Thank you for your constructive criticism, I really do appreciate it. I agree with what you are saying.
>>7848269
Yes.
>>7847355
You can call yourself whatever you want, but your writing sucks. If you want to prove me wrong, post whatever you consider to be your best work.
>>7848786
A) Why do I have to prove anything to you? Are you Stephen King? Your a nobody on Lit. Stop acting like your opinion is the pinnacle to whether I succeed or not. I got plenty of good criticism as it is.
B) What makes you the authority of what it means to be a writer? We all have different criterion on what it means to be a writer. That's completely subjective just as it is to judge someone a good or bad writer. Stop acting high and mighty because in the end of the day I'm not scared to put myself out there to be criticized. It's easier to judge others work than it is to make something of your own. It takes balls to make something other than a generalized opinion.
>>7849135
You have to prove it to him because you're obviously insecure about it. The "have" is coming from inside you.
>Your a
>>7849135
>Your a nobody
>Your
>because in the end of the day
>in the end of the day
>others work
>others
Don't quit your day job, buddy boy.
>>7849140
I want to become a better writer. This had nothing to do with insecurity. I don't have to prove anything because the only thing I was critiqued right now is my short story that I wrote. If there was something else, I'd post it. I'm not gonna post anything on the whim of somebody who wants to embarrass me for the sake of a few laughs so they can feel better about their day. I don't have shame saying my writing isn't the best but instead of eating shit and crying about it, I'm taking everything you people are saying with a grain of salt and attempting to learn the things I need to improve on. If the bastard thinks I'm a bad writer, let him think that, but I don't have anything to prove to him, anon.
>>7849155
Is your grammar always spectacular at every waking moment? I didn't think so. It's fucking 1am, I'm tired as hell, and proofreading is the last thing I want to be doing right now. Give me a fucking break.
>>inb4 but you're the faggot who wants to be a writer. Eat shit and kys.
Thanks anon, anything else?
>>7849161
It's really hard to benefit properly from actual crit. Look, find some books that you really like - not just like but know are examples of good writing - and compare how your own writing works with passages from theirs. Try putting yourself in the shoes of any of the people you might hope would enjoy your story, really consider what their mental reaction would be.
Personally I can find one or two redeeming features in what I read of yours but I wouldn't choose to read any more of it as it is. It's like unripe cheese. Experiment more with shorter things before writing things of this length.
>>7849161
>persecution complex
>I'm totally not insecure guys
Dude, you were the one making excuses about how you don't usually write in this style and genre.
>>7849176
Thanks, I'll take your advice. I might have to dust off some old Hemingway novels or maybe reread some Orwell with a more critical eye. I appreciate what you have to say.
>>7849177
I was just stating a reason as to why maybe it isn't the best. Obviously it isn't the best it can be, and maybe part of it has to do with me writing out of my element. I usually don't write short stories, but I want to experiment with different genres since the only thing I've been writing is a book I been working on since Senior year of highschool.
>>7846962
Weak beginning so the rest is worthless
m80 if you suck you suck but even suckers have to start somewhere and take off from there, if you've been on /lit/ longer then a day you should know people are critical, which isn't unfair considering you have people who've actually read the greeks
>>7849227
>I might have to dust off some old...
That's a problem right there. You should be reading the whole of the time.
>>7849255
I guess that's fair. I should read more.
I did a quick read through and my impressions are that you waste a lot of time in the beginning establishing the main character before the story actually begins. Lots of this can be cut or reordered into the story as we go along instead of beginning with an infodump. Furthermore, the MC, an awkward lonely guy who eats ramen, is far too generic. The only thing he has is the plant he talks to, which isn't unique idea.
Another thing you need to fix is the emoting. They're laughing at their own lame jokes, and the dialogue tags are redundant,. Eg. "What the hell is that?" he exclaimed in confusion. -- Yes, we already got the confusion and exclaiming from the expletive and the question itself. Let the dialogue speak for itself. Don't explain all their emotions.
Item 3, the title. Her use of the phrase doesn't jibe with the rest of her speech. She was supposedly a librarian but her voice is completely vernacular except for this shoehorned phrase. Also, arbitration isn't the correct word.
Finally, the ending was too pat. Her death the very next day, the note providing closure. It was all very convenient and conveniently tragic. At the very least, cut out her death.
There's more but these are the main problems. Considering that it's your first attempt other than your novel, it's not that bad. (Some of the things posted in the critique threads are unredeemable.) I wouldn't read Hemingway or Orwell like you mentioned. Instead pick up one of those years best short story collections to see a good range of styles and techniques. Or the podcast Selected Shorts is pretty great too.
Anyway, keep writing and make sure to read books about writing if you aren't going to take classes. Also, irl writers groups are going to be more helpful than posting here for criticism.
It's threads like this that make me feel much, much better about my own writing. Thanks, OP!
>>7846962
Prose is just plain bad. I thought other anons were just being contrarian, but it is bad. In the first paragraph alone you are so redundant with your wording I actually thought the reptitious phrases were some sort of quirk of the narrator or plot device. How wrong I was.
I don't mean to be malicious. Maybe writing isn't for you. Maybe you just need to read more and absorb some actual skill.
>>7849417
Thanks for your criticism, I'll go back and fix some things.
