Hi /lit/
Is this a good enough cover for my Amazon novel? I know I kinda half assed it but I'm hoping the story will be compelling enough by itself, y'know?
>>7704864
Yeah that's perfect. The stars and obviously fictional blurb are a nice touch
>>7704864
>that hideous font
>that crude exposition dialogue
>that trashy premise
>that ugly picture obviously taken by you on your phone
>that corny title.
Please. Please stop.
>>7704875
fuck you.
>>7704864
My god this is the most hideous thing ive ever seen
>>7704864
Only if the protagonist pulls his white fedora over his eyes and smiles wryly.
>>7704864
that is hilarious
>>7704873
>>7705494
This is his description of the book on Amazon:
"WHAT A BRILLIANT BOOK!" "A REAL PAGE-TURNER." "AN EXCITING, EMOTIONAL ROLLER-COASTER JOURNEY!"
ONE MAN CRUSADE By Steven Suttie
The police face an extraordinary problem.
Somebody has started shooting unsuspecting citizens dead as they go about their daily business in the north west of England.
But it is a very specific type of person that the gun man is targeting. Paedophiles.
In order to keep the public calm, the police have no alternative but to reveal the killer's motive.
And that's when things start to get really tricky for the investigating officers. Public revulsion of child molesters is at an all time high, so when the killer is hailed as a hero vigilante by the media - DCI Andrew Miller and his team face the ultimate challenge in catching a man who is determined to continue with his executions, until he is caught.
PLEASE NOTE: This book contains swearing throughout. (Including the worst one.)
IMPORTANT NOTE: THIS BOOK IS NOT SUITABLE FOR ANY PERSON WHO IS SYMPATHETIC TO PAEDOPHILES OR ANY PERSON WHO CAN CONDONE CHILD SEX ABUSE.
AMAZON UK customer praise for One Man Crusade:
"Hope a television drama is forthcoming. It's certainly on a par with Broadchurch or Happy Valley."
"What a fantastic book. If you like reading British novels then you will love this one."
"I have read loads of crime thrillers, but nothing as good as this in a long time."
"Excellent and well written book. Thoroughly enjoyed it, laughed, cried and was horrified. A very thought provoking read with excellent outcome."
"I've read over a hundred books this year, best so far."
"A brilliant book, which leaves you thinking what side of the law you're on."
"What can I possibly say about this book but wow! Fantastic writing and so current!"
"Addictive read, couldn't put it down. The twists and turns in this read, keep you changing sides all the way through."
"A great read, thoroughly enjoyed it - and I'm very fussy! Highly recommended!"
MORE about this book;
One Man Crusade has been an Amazon Best Seller in several categories, topping the Amazon UK Best Seller charts in Urban Fiction, Political Fiction, Political Drama, and Serial Killers.
The novel is set in Greater Manchester, in the present day, with the entire city as the back-drop. Scenes take place in most areas, including Bolton, Tameside, Salford, Wythenshawe and Stockport. The child-sex scandals in Rochdale, along with the allegations against the late Rochdale MP Cyril Smith get mentioned, as well as the scandals surrounding other household names from around the region, as the novel tackles the British public's general attitude towards paedophiles in the post Jimmy Savile world.
ONE MAN CRUSADE is described by most readers as a fast paced, exciting, thought-provoking story. Of course, not all people share the same opinions, and as such, not all readers agree with the gunman's campaign. But sod them.
>>7705533
There's actually more, but it's just a hugeass list of authors he's "similar" to that he probably used as a way of making his book pop up more in searches. Sadly enough, it's actually ranked pretty highly.
>>7705533
>(Including the worst one.)
>>7705533
please tell me this is for real and you're posting it up on amazon.
are you even allowed to make those fake quotes, even if you're not citing names?
>>7705586
I'm not him and that's literally the description as it appears on the amazon page.
http://www.amazon.com/One-Man-Crusade-Miller-Manchester-ebook/dp/B00L5GHAYW
>>7704864
>Another shitty book has been published, sir
>No way, I though he'd stopped.
>How many is that now?
>Twelve
Fix it for you
Jesus Christ I want to read this for its sheer mediocrity. It's brilliant.
>>7705533
>(Including the worst one.)
I'm dying
>>7704864
On the verge of purchasing this what the fuck is going on?
>>7708113
>this is what britbongs actually do
God, that picture would almost be excusable if it weren't for those god awful quotes.
>>7705533
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcU7FaEEzNU
>>7705450
It's gonna make millions!
>>7706462
tha fuck is that?
Are you still here, Steven? When did you publish your book? How long did it take you to write?
>>7710651
Probably a cow eye, did a dissection back in high school, looked like that.
>>7704864
Its attention grabbing.
>>7710670
It's the culmination of three long weeks of research into the police system and current attitudes towards paedophilia
>>7710670
I published only recently, it took me about two months to write. I don't like to plan anything before. I'm a gardener not an architect
>>7705533
>PLEASE NOTE: This book contains swearing throughout. (Including the worst one.)
hah
>>7711418
>top kek
Steven has changed the cover of the book since starting the thread, mistakenly believing that a new cover will fix the moronic content. Funnily enough, the original cover was more representative of the overall quality of the product.
>>7710651
goatse
>>7712769
No he hasn't. It's exactly the same thing as the one that appears on the bottom right of his OP image.
Step it up.
>post your mediocre self-published amazon books thread
>WARNING, Contains bad language at times, particularly when the poor are talking. Please do not purchase if offended by swearing. Thank you.
Is Steven autistic?
when were you when kidy fiddly die?
i was sat at squad car drinking brain fluid when constable dec radio
"paedo is kill"
"how many"
"twelve"
and you?
>>7711418
underrated
>>7704864
this is the funniest picture ive seen in ages
>>7712891
idk what you mean, that shit is hilarious
>>7712863
Book 1/4
Excerpt:
1. MDMA
“Pass the blunt homie.” Hector said to the TV. It didn’t answer so he said it again. But, like, louder this time, or something. It still didn’t answer so he said it even more loud-like. This went on for quite some time before he gave up and went to sleep. Afterwards he woke up dead. The end.
2. Three
Fifty years ago in the future Hector was born. His first words, uttered right out of the womb were as follows:
“May I interest you in some timeshares?”
The doctor, whose name was Tao Lin (no relation) slapped him upside the head, raising his IQ by several points. This became a standard procedure in maternity wards from that point on. Dr. Tao Lin even won the Nobel Peace Prize for it. But it was later revoked when he manicured AIDS.
Hector would never sell another timeshare again. Which was cool because fuck timeshares and timeshare salesmen and vacuum cleaners and paper and stencils and hedgehogs and lice and Bob and curtains and your sofa and the MPAA and this book and the word and.
>>7713418
Book 2/4
Excerpt:
1. Pizza and Heineken in Hoboken
Valiantly did Ser Gurmford avail himself of the feast offering which had been prepared in his honour. With great satisfaction, he imbibed barrel after barrel of ale and devoured the cheese and sauce drenched trenchers. In ages past he been known as the Pieslayer or Ser Gurrma the hut as a tribute to his fearsome appetite for all things baked and slathered in melted cheese.
Fermented hopswater and grease ran down his beard as he continued to guzzle and gnaw, slurp and swallow. As the crimson sun set in the west, he continued his one man banquet. Finally sated at long last, Ser Gurmford had driven the new kingdom of Jersey, and quite possibly all the realms of Murikeros, into a food shortage which would last for several seasons. He dismounted the chair and plodded off in search of an iron chamberpot large enough to accommodate his girth. From that day forth he was referred to, with much dread and awe, by his new appellation: The White Waddler.
2. To play the game insert a quarter
In aeons past, before the dawn of the eight point five, lord Jurrt ruled the realms of manuscript shoppe fantasy sections and dungeons (both those of mothers and those of purveyors of illuminated manuscripts of the comical variety.) However, he eventually shuffled off this mortal coil.
Many sought to pull the ensorcelled scone from the kidney stone so that they’d be able to ascend the throne as the next imperfect and preterite Supreme Holy Emperor of manchildkind. While nary a one succeeded in this undertaking, many would amass vast fortunes from the sales of their scrolls. The latest would-be usurper was Ser Gurmford of the new kingdom of Jersey, with whom you’re surely familiar.
>>7713441
Forgot the pic.
>>7713445
Book 3/4
Excerpt:
1. Christian Science or Year of the Colt 45 40 oz. Malt Liquor
John (his real name was Josh but he insisted that people call him John because it was a metaphor for being taken seriously (he wasn’t joshing, in other words)) was a quirky teenager who often quoted Shakespeare and the Greeks in various ways that made his teachers cringe. Then he met a quirky teenage girl and they had quirky teenage adventures while waxing poetic about breakfast cereals. But then they got cancer or something. Maybe AIDS or kuru or lupus or something I guess? I’m not sure. But anyway the point is they were dying.
Then they had quirky dying teenage adventures. One of them died and there was some other stuff no one cared about. Then there was a movie because people on youtube said “lik if u cri evry tim ;_;” A polar bear rode an elk into oncoming traffic and was killed in protest of Josh’s movie making Josh/John rich. The bear was posthumously declared an enemy combatant and/or a member of ISIS and a drone strike was promptly carried out on his and the elk’s corpses.
Their ghosts rode off into the sunset, wailing “Thanks, Obama!” even though it was president Trump who ordered the drone strike as his first act in office, immediately after his inauguration.
2. It’s a metaphor
“I see you’re wearing a nicotine patch.”
She said to him.
“Are you trying to quit smoking?”
He looked up from his yachting magazine (which he was reading ironically because they were in an entirely landlocked town in the Midwest) and replied.
“No. I don’t smoke. Never have, actually.”
This confused her.
“Why would you wear a nicotine patch if you don’t smoke?” She said.
He scoffed at her ignorance then proceeded to explain it to her slowly, like she was a 5 year old child with an especially bad learning disability.
“It’s a metaphor. You know, like in English lit? I put the addictive thing on me without giving it power over me.”
That made even less sense to her.
“But if you wear it doesn’t that mean you’re getting dosed with the nicotine?”
He chuckled condescendingly, as one does when someone says something especially lacking in intelligence and/or euphoria (the religious Protestant kind (not the atheist kind (and definitely not the Catholic kind which might even be worse than the atheist kind))).
“It’s cute how tiny your brain is. No one gets addicted to nicotine. It’s in the bible. Josh 4:20, “Thus sprake Jesuthustra: And forsooth ye shall not be addled by the substance of my substance but by the word of thine gourd.
Hallelujajaja.”
His fedora of thorns tipped itself and he rode off into the moonrise on Nietzsche’s mustache which had been reborn again as a Christian scientologist. Amen?
>>7713458
Book 4/4
Excerpt:
1. Lukewarm mentally retarded shade
In the year of our tortilla nineteen hundred and eighty five the man who hated most forms of punctuation did release a novel and was proclaimed to be the third coming of Joyce by Barrister Bloomden of the failed voyage to Helel and no discernible talent. This exaltation would auger much more praise and tribute and cocksucking reviews to come including a few movie deals and a Pulitzer Prize. That most iniquitous friend of Ruth did tarry and partake in the orgy of aggrandizement. On and on it went like a particularly stubborn tumbleweed floating along the arroyos of the present into all forseeable futures in spite of itself.
2. Ye
Tarry ye not among these wastes childe lest ye run afoul of Barrister Bloomden
Ah ain’t scurred o’ no judge an’ is turgid lit’rary critique
Forsooth ye still art heavy with the foolish gallantry of middle age yet I implore ye to heed my warning and depart posthaste if ye value what small portion of life which yet remains for thou in yon world
Ah told’ya ah ain’t scurred o’ im quit yer prattlin’ ‘fore ah do sumpin decidedly unchristian to ye with yon institutional broomstick
Very well then childe I shall cease my harangue mayhap yon bandana be wound overtightly upon thy brow I shall delay ye no more but know this childe Wallace ye shall not live to see the end of this the two thousand and eighth year of our tortilla
If ‘ats th’ way it’s ta be ah’m fine with’t ah’d much rather perish on m’ own terms than cower ‘n fear o’ sum judge fo th’ rest o’ me natural born life
>>7713418
>>7713441
>>7713445
>>7713458
>>7713476
Neat books. You buy mine and I will buy yours? You first. :^)
>>7704864
> no way
Is he high as fuck or what.
>>7713867
>chuck tingle was the first person to self publish erotica on amazon
It's literally filled with it, and stupid German women actually pay for it. You're pretty fucking stupid, to be honest, and just because your only knowledge of something is a particular tryhard meme phenomenon that's reached the recesses of your empty skull, do not spread that shit in my direction, dipshit. Buy my books though.
>>7713885
Are you saying amazon is filled with dinosaur erotica?
Sorry I exposed you
>>7714268
I'm not him, but the Amazon short-reads section is filled with all sorts of erotica. Gimmicks like dinosaurs or animal shapeshifters aren't that rare.
