1. Post the last line of one you works.
2. Other rate it.
>I am almost sure the first bullets didn't touch me.
This confession has meant nothing.
>>7703291
9/10.
It intrigues me.
>>7703287
The bells rang quietly as the door closed behind her.
He sighed heavily, and closed the newspaper.
I truly was... Lolita
And so it was that later, as the miller told his tale, that her face at first just ghostly turned a whiter shade of pale
And then I woke up; it was all a dream.
As if the distance between what we are and could be were enough to kill.
And it just goes to show, you know, that things aren't like they, you know, like they first might seem, you know.
He can’t think, he can’t write. There’s no discernible talent.
I arrived too late, and too early, and not when I meant to.
And he wept....finally.
You were enormous we the strangers my world.
Though he could feel them, his hands were still numb, though he was safe, it was still watching, and though he was dry, the tide still carried him away, and he shuddered to think of how far it would take him.
>>7703287
"Yes, for the love of God," said the bartender and passed him the bottle.
>>7703460
This has me interested. What's it about?
>>7703496
Imo, this could be broken up into at least three sentences. It's very long and has a lot of ideas in it. I really like the part about the tide carrying him away.
>>7703523
I laughed at this. Is that intentional?
>>7703465
Mine by the way. From a poem I wrote.
And in gloom, with the bells stroking and the wipers establishing the rhythm of the hour, the two wet men withdrew to the cars and in slow procession quit the sooty stables in Highland Green, drove separately through vacant city streets to uncover the particulars of this crime.
>>7703574
>Is that intentional?
The effect? No, but I can see how it can be produced when it is taken on its own.
In the end, it was the substance that abused me.
>>7703657
Kinda trite desu senpai. I get what you were going for, but with only this one line to draw from, it comes off as incredibly heavy-handed.
..Let there be light!
It was 10 minutes ago.
And in the end I realized it was truly an Infinite Jest
>>7703523
Probably the best one ITT. I am interested in the context.
To Kabukicho, where Miyuki will be waiting.
Retrieving the milk, she complimented my hair.
>>7703299
...are you serious?
"Hurry mommy, I'm so cold!" she stops, hearing the words again and begins reaching for her missing keys before crumpling onto the snow; the sun behind her finally setting.
>>7704608
Improper semicolon there, mate, if I'm not mistaken. Also, one generally crumples into snow, not onto it.
>>7704625
Yea I fucked it. Last clause was changed before posting. Would a comma work there instead?
>>7703287
Nice
derp
>>7703287
"It began to rain, as it sometimes does."
FYI this is pertinent to the story it's not just a pretentious way to describe rain
>>7703291
pretty good
>>7703309
sentence could be tighter but good image
>>7703446
missing hiccup
>>7703460
ellipses are stupid, would be stronger as just "And he finally wept."
>>7703523
very good
>>7704608
pretty awkward, and as other poster said misuse of semicolon
The policeman runs from the scene holding his face and the rest run to the Anima but not one of them wants to touch it.
>>7704680
Unless the rest of the story justifies this, it's a pretty monotonous way to finish something, anon
>>7704671
Comma should work. I believe you should also capitalize the "she" after the dialogue, since you end the dialogue with a full stop and the "she" isn't an attribution. Additionally, the "she" here is ambiguous; I assume that it refers to the mother, but it could also refer to the speaker.
>>7704701
You might be right, but it is definitely very relevant to the rest of the story.
>>7703331
What I learnt from this story, is that life truly is... an Infinite Jest.
>>7703291
Definitely curious about what the confession was.
>>7703342
Hmm. Maybe "as the miller told his tale, her face [ghoulishly?] turned a whiter shade of pale"
//grew paler and paler
Shrug.
>>7703657
If I read a story about substance abuse and this was the last line, I would feel massively disappointed desu
>>7704559
Pour the milk in the hair
>>7703657
Horrible honestly, way too heavy handed
Same as it ever was.
His face is saran wrap on M&M's, he is walking near me.
>Hawkes is posted in thread
>No one even recognizes it
You should all feel very bad about yourselves.
>>7703287
The subject-eye’s bottom lid wrinkles in a manner reminiscent of a smile.
ERROR#021209140414051919
TRANSMISSION INTERRUPTED
>>7704844
which one?
>>7704798
It's more of a poem or note about masturbating while rejected and drunk. It ends in a hangover with the subject cursing the alcohol as opposed to his alcoholism. It's better in context, but not by much.
I don't even know why I'm responding to this, I don't care about criticism, I write for my own enjoyment and if others like it good for them
>>7704976
>I don't care about criticism, I write for my own enjoyment and if others like it good for them
That's a good way to go about any creative process, but criticism can strengthen a work, don't forget.
The context helps. I think the final line could worded better, if not completely rewritten, still with the implication he blamed the booze itself for his actions (and not himself, etc).
Und dringt dabei in Dimensionen vor, die noch nie ein Mensch zuvor gesehn hat.It's a breakfast scene with a young Benoit Mandelbrot and it's also a Star Trek reference
And there is something tremendously sad and banal about that.
Charon had travelled down the river Lethe.
Isaak Molch war beim Würfelspiel umgekommen.
Transl.: Isaak Molch had died during a game of dice.
Molch is the german word for a newt. The line is a reference to the Einstein quote "God does not roll the dice."
>>7703287
After countless hours of pain I was finally cast out, screaming and flailing my pathetic limbs toward the sky, as if begging for mercy from the only Jew God that I knew.
...
And haunted his blood – my kin’ – us Vandals – all.”
>>7705138
Oh yeah - background.
A vandal general stands before a roman court.
>>7703299
Subtle.
I noticed that at one, or perhaps all of those moments, that it was just as I had released myself from a benign thought loop and it was as if the acid were rewarding me for getting a grip on my mind.
You can trust me. I'm a man of my
He picked up his penis and ran headlong into the bushes.
The End
He worked his way through the crowds. Screaming, kicking, punching. At last he had made his way home, he promptly made himself dinner and went to sleep.
>>7703287
>Gehirn neben Gedärm.
>>7704821
Look where my hand was.
>>7704798
>Hmm. Maybe "as the miller told his tale, her face [ghoulishly?] turned a whiter shade of pale"
>//grew paler and paler
>Shrug.
>being this musically illiterate
She broke the thread with a brush of her hand, and at that moment, my heart fell into the mire.
>>7705127
10/10 would read.
Thank you
And in her heart, she knew that she would one day finish her life and wanderings, and go at last to justly share with her in the eternal communion of the void.
For him, the choice was obvious
And there she was lying, as my dick was dripping from pussy juices.
Thorkil spoke some of their language and was able to secure us passage through the gate, we left the clamour of the gate and entered the city.
>>7706000
Fuck, meant. "Thorkil spoke some of their tongue and was able to secure us passage through the gate, we left the clamor behind us and entered the city."
>>7703496
I think this would be more powerful if you removed the last "it would take him" and ended at "how far".
Other than that fuckin neato
Or you can spend one second in a graveyard.
She didn't, understanding the passenger was more obvious than before. She wanted more from life than he was willing to provide. Nothing had changed.
I feel like this makes more sense with context but whatever.
>>7706081
Is she pregnant?
It has no windows.
>>7706081
I love this. Post more?
>>7706081
intriguing, post more
She laughed and told me I was being too sentimental.
AN ANCIENT EVIL AWAKENS
>>7706468
UNLEASHED BY MAN
It's the worst kind of pain I've known.
He was fifteen feet from the treeline when the first shot rang out.
>>7703291
Isn't this from American Psycho?
