alright folks, last one was a blast, so let's do it again
/int/ jokes thread, translate to the best of your ability and tell us jokes from your country
Gonna kick off with a classic:
a russian, a canadian, and an american walk into a bar
bartender says: i will give you drinks for free, but only if you answer what's 2+2
russian says: it's clearly 4
canadian says: it's clearly 4
american says: I dont know, I'm retarded brainwashed fucking faggot son of whore white male I wish mom aborted me so there was one less american white male in this world retarded whoreson
bartender pulls out a shotgun and shoots dumb american in face
What a gay thread from a gay leaf poster
>>60638213
your dad's gay for sucking my cock lmao haha@@@ rekt
>>60638246
Try harder faggot, I was not triggered by the content of you post, just how lame it was
teacher گفتش կամաց-կամաց gel پای تخته.
من گفتم، نمیتونم, lesson 7 very very سخته
teacher goftesh kamats kamats gel paye takhteh
man goftam nemitoonam, lesson 7 very very sakhteh
the teacher said carefully come next to the board
i said i can't, lesson seven is very very hard
shitty tehranian joke that makes fun of how many languages get spoken in the city, and also how those speaking persian tend to use english words in their speech. the cave scrawls are armenian and "gel" is turkish, the rest is persian (and english)
this is only really funny if you know persian and have lived with persian speakers
Funny armenian joke i learned yesterday
>uu mununmum hnhlmum nlhnhhmhhh mumumu munu nmumnmn munmhunllumn ulm. gluummum ulnumgu mulmnmm mnumn nmu nmummun mhu mnun? ulmnu mg hmnumum umnmumuluhmg hmnumnumm nulhgunmum numum mumumnm nmunmunhlg. lmnhgmmunm ummunmunm unmg hlunhmln, gml hgmn um unm umumnmunmun munmun!
France, UK and USSR gathered an international meeting to determine the nationality of Adam and Eve once and for all.
The representative of France speaks first:
- Adam and Eve obviously were French because only a french woman would sacrifice an eternal life in Heaven to her man.
The British representative answers:
- With all due respect to my colleagues, but it is a subject of no concern that they were British. For only a true british gentleman would exchange Heaven for his lady.
At last, the representative from USSR stands up and says:
- All that I heard tonight is an obvious western propaganda and furthermore is a complete lie. There is only one true answer to the main question and it is that they were Soviet. And I have a foundation for my words of not only one but three facts.
-Three?!, - the whole delegation starts rumbling and whispering.
- You heard me. Three. Firstly, they had only one apple for two people. Secondly, they had no clothes. And finally the main thing. Despite having nothing to wear and nothing to eat they still thought they live in Heaven.
Did you hear about the American?
He got shot.
And American didn't tip the pizza guy and got shot for it
Englishman, Irishman and American find a magic slide. They read the sign; "Go down the slide, shout out your dreams, and whatever you desire will be waiting for you at the bottom". Sure enough there is an inflatable paddling pool at the bottom of the slide.
Irishman goes first, throws himself down the slide and shouts "Drink!" He lands in a pool of the finest whisky.
Scotsman goes second, slides down and shouts "Money!" He lands in a pool of twenty quid notes.
American up last, slides down and gets stuck.
>>60641239
>Englishman becomes a Scot
och aye
>>60641528
DELETE THIS
>>60638213
shut the fuck up you humourless cumrag.
>>60641382
Is it an ironic "ha" or a geniune one? Plz answer, it triggers my inner uncertainty and PTSD induced by living in Russia for too long.
>>60640941
hehehe
>>60640941
Soviet block jokes are the best
In a preschool in Moscow the teacher asks children:
-Where do children have the nicest toys?
-In the Soviet Union! - shout the children
-Where do children have the prettiest clothes?
-In the Soviet Union! - shout the children
-And where are children the happiest?
-In the Soviet Union! - shout the children
Suddenly the teacher notices little Sasha is crying alone in the corner.
-Why are you crying, Sasha?
-I want to live in the Soviet Union!
Why does a Belgian carry a knife in his car?
[spoiler]So he can cut corners[/spoiler]
It was bear's birthday and he invited every other animal in the forest to his party. He told them that he would eat those that didn't come. He also told the animals that they had to bring him a present and he would slap those that brought him a shitty present over the back with his huge dick.
So the birthday party starts and the animals queue to bring the bear his presents. The wolf is the first one; he brings the bear a brand new Lamborghini.
"Not bad," says the bear. "You can go dance now."
Next up is fox. He gives the bear a huge plasma TV.
"That's great, you can go dance with wolf."
Next up is rabbit. He brings bear a coffee mug.
"Damn, rabbit, you know what's coming up."
Bear starts slapping rabbit over his back with his dick. But something's up - the rabbit's laughing.
"Why the fuck are you laughing, rabbit? What's so funny about me slapping you on the back with my dick?
"It's not that. I just saw the hedgehog. He brought you a couple of apples for a present."
A bunch of people are walking up a hill outside the capital when a police car approaches from behind, driving backwards. When it stops, one of the guys asks the cops why they're driving backwards.
"We were told you can't turn at the top because of all the cars."
So the people keep walking and the police car keeps driving. After about twenty minutes, the people walking have almost reached the top. The cop car comes back, again driving backwards. Again, one of the guys asks the cops why they're driving backwards.
"We could turn, after all."
>>60642515
Conscription was established in the forest. Best friends bear and rabbit were to show up before the recruitment committee. The bear came up with an idea:
-They'll probably ask us some questions. I'll tell you my answers, you'll repeat them and we'll end up in the same unit.
The rabbit agreed and so the bear went inside. They show him a picture of a plane.
-What's that, bear?
-Uhhhhh
Then they show him a picture of a tank.
-What about this?
-Ummmmm
Finally, they show him a carrot.
-And this?
-That's a carrot.
-Correct. Infantry.
The bear left the room, and told the rabbit: "Whatever they show you and ask you, say you have no idea. Then at the end they'll take a carrot out the drawer. Say what it is, and we're together in infantry".
The rabbit went in. They show him a picture of a plane and ask him what it is.
-I've no idea.
They show him a picture of a tank.
-I don't know, sorry.
Then they show him a photo of a ship, but he doesn't know. They ask him his name, they ask him what's 2+2, the rabbit says he has no idea. The committee gets furious.
-What the hell is wrong with you, rabbit? Is there anything you actually know?
-Ummm, I know there's a carrot in the drawer.
The rabbit leaves the room. The bear asks him:
-How did it go? Infantry?
-Bad luck - the rabbit sighs - I'm in intelligence.
>>60641604
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN3z3eSVG7A
Reagan tells Soviet jokes. He's pretty good at this.
>>60643091
I have another one about conscription.
A guy was about to get conscripted but of course, he would have to get checked by a doctor first. He didn't want to serve so he went to a dentist and told him to pull out all of his teeth.
After the doctor's check, the man came out and his friends asked him if his plan worked.
"They didn't take me in. I have flat feet."
>>60643091
chuckle/10
>>60638167
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGF44b7v-kc
i'll post this latest joke of berlusconi since he's going to have a surgery to his heart and might die. he said to a guy he had to celebrate for his marriage anniversary, doctor with all your experience do you know the difference between a suppository and an artichoke? the man answered no, and he said well try to stick an artichoke up your ass and you'll see
>>60639735
It indeed looks funny enough
>>60640941
that joke used to be a popular one here too in the Soviet era
>>60641655
How do you recognize a Dutch ship?
There are no seagulls flying behind it.
A man in socialist Czechoslovakia walks into the supermarket and tells the clerk: I'd like six beers, two kilos of meat, some pasta and two packs of chocolate please.
Clerk looks confused: But sir, we only have some rocks and one potato.
Now the man looks confused as well: How is this possible, I thought we live in a developed socialist state?
And the clerk laughed, the man laughed and the politbyro officer laughed too and then he shot them both for pro-Western provocation.
>Why do the Stasi work together in groups of three?
You need one who can read, one who can write, and a third to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.
>What would happen if the desert became a socialist country?
Nothing for a while, but than there'd be a sand shortage.
>A school teacher asks Fritzchen "Fritzchen, why are you always talking about our Soviet brothers? They are the Soviet friends." "Well, you can always choose friends."
>What's the best feature of a Trabant?
There's a heater at the back to keep your hands warm when you're pushing it.
>>60643721
That was a good one
>>60638167
One day at Turkish customs one officer was in charge.
First an Englishman showed up. He opened his suitcase and there were 7 underpants.
Customs officer asked:
-Why you have 7 underpants?
Englishman answered:
-For everyday of a week.
Next a Frenchman showed up.He opened his suitcase and there were 8 underpants.
Customs officer asked:
-Why you have 8 underpants?
Frenchman answered:
-For every day of a week. One extra just in case.
And last a Turk showed up. He opened his suitcase and there were 12 underpants.
Customs officer asked while thinking " The most cleanest man is always my countries man":
-Why you have 12 underpants.
Turk answered:
-January, February, March...
>>60644142
I wonder if this joke has its local versions in other countries
Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin are in Yalta. They all go out for a smoke and boast about their precious cigarette cases.
"Look at this beauty" says Roosevelt and pulls out a silver case with the inscription: "For President Roosevelt - The American Nation".
"Pretty, but mine is even more breathtaking" says Churchill and pulls out a silver case cover with intricate decorations. The inscription reads: "For Prime Minister Churchill - The King".
"Ha! That's nothing!" laughs Stalin and pulls out a magnificent golden case, encrusted with the most precious gems and jewels, bearing the inscription: "For Potocki - Sobieski".
>>60644591
hehe nice
What is 30 cm long, has a purple head and makes all the women go crazy?
Crib death.
If you see a nigger and a white man drowning, who do you save?
The nigger. The white guy could be a Croat.
Not far from the language border, on the Flemish side, there live a Flemish peasant, so decided to only read French newspapers anymore and basically become a French-speaker. He was a franskiljon, a traitor.
When he was amongst the other Flemish peasants, he always bought 2 newspapers. One French one, to read in front of everyone, and one Flemish one, to wipe his ass with.
The result was that soon his asshole was smarter than his head.
>>60649003
Now one day this Francophile peasant went to the market with his pig.
He was standing there amongst the other Flemish peasants, and started shouting: FRENCH-SPEAKING PIG FOR SALE! MUCH BETTER THAN THOSE STUPID FLEMISH PIGS! FRENCH-SPEAKING PIG FOR SALE!
So the peasants came and looked at the pig, and asked for proof that it could speak French.
The peasant said to his pig, "How much is 4 + 5 ?"
"neuf"
"Pig, how much is 7 + 2?"
"neuf"
"Pig, how much is 6 + 3?"
"neuf"
One of the Flemish peasants, a smart lad, objected "a pig will always say neuf, you're pulling our leg! Can he also do another sum? Pig, how much is 4 + 4 ?"
The peasant picks up his cane and sticks it in the pig's ass
"HUIT"
