In this thread Russians speak English and tell jokes.
Why was your mother crossing a street?
To get on my dick
>>56414456
Are you a Russian living in Canada?
BTW I genuinely think Russians have top-tier senses of humour
How can I tell jokes by request? I'm not a comedy genius.
What is name of town rapist))))))
His name....no name because he abandoned as child and raised by dog))))))))
>>56414561
I dunno just say stuff like how was your day what did you do
>>56414619
Finland pls leave you are already the meme master it's Russia's time to shine now
>>56414419
like we don't do this every single day on 4chan
>What's the most stared resort ?
>Auschwitz camp
![The.Hateful.Eight.2015.1080p.BluRay.x264-[YTS.AG].mp4_snapshot_00.01.30_[2016.03.14_10.27.55].jpg](https://i.imgur.com/n6ThOi7.jpg "The.Hateful.Eight.2015.1080p.BluRay.x264-[YTS.AG].mp4_snapshot_00.01.30_[2016.03.14_10.27.55].jpg")
>>56414625
Blog thread then? I studied stuff, now trying to watch The Hateful Eight. They say "nigga" a lot and Southerners are bad.
The boy and his mom walk down the street and the boy sees a flock of pigeons.
—Mom, do we have some bread with us? - the boy asked.
—Eat without bread, sonny, - his mom answered.
>>56414868
Is there word for "nigga" in your country what do you say, how many black people live in Russia. Do you have KFC
>>56414908
belarus!!! why am i not allowed to visit your country
>>56414908
>soviet humour
>>56414974
I don't know, why? I visited the UK a year ago.
>>56414419
The bear is walking arount the forest and sees a burning car. He sits in this car and burns.
>>56415047
>>56414917
Since don't really have blacks (3-4 students you can see in Moscow in a month don't count) we don't have a problem with word "nigger" (it sounds the same), the other way around with "churka" and "khach", these are how caucasians and central asians called here. It's kinda similar to nigger in wester countries but unlike nigger caucasians and asians don't call themselves churki and khachi.
>>56414419
Wife tells Rabinovich:"Can you believe it, someone called me a whore today!"
Rabinovich:"Sarah, I've warned you: don't go where you are known."
>>56414917
Heгp (negr)
Mostly from ethiopia, uncommon sight
Yes
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sishB2Zi1HM
nah... all our humor is based on our mentality, government and wordplay. All other humor we have is stupid and not funny.
>>56415093
Loaf was hanged.
>>56415047
every fucking time
>>56415037
its really hard to get in and there's little to no tourism
>>56415047
literally kek'd
>>56415201
mean
>>56414917
We call them "negr" but it's not offensive. Few if you exclude students I assume. My city has like two KFCs. Never been there.
Ivan: hey, ivan, I hear that americans go to the moon
Sergey:all of them?)))))))
>>56415265
that's what makes you guys funny
>>56415047
This is still hilariously funny. Probably the best imageboard joke ever.
>>56415047
Wut??
Explain please.
A hedgehog learned to breathe with his ass. Then he sat on a log a suffocated.
>>56414908
Based soviet humour
>>56415351
It's literally what it says.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN3z3eSVG7A
>>56415331
it is funny. i just don't understand how a man from england can find it funny. Only if you understand russian or something...
Or if you like stupid jokes.
>>56415351
http://lurkmore.to/Гopящий_мeдвeдь
The man is sleeping in a train. Suddenly he starts shit himself and on all people around him.
- Wake up, you shit on us!
- I'm not sleeping actually
— Hello, is that fire department? A doctor and a policeman are beating each other here, I don't know who to call.
>>56415653
rofl
>>56415443
i like stupid jokes
also you can shitpost here too if you want.
>>56415653
K E K
>>56415047
the best joke ever for 2ch's schoolboy newfags
boring
>>56415653
:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
I kek'd really hard on this one
German, english and russian going to the bar. When they took their seats and were preparing to order barmen suddenly says
-Get the fuck out of here!
>>56415325
Why would Ivan say hey Ivan
>>56415697
>i like stupid jokes
can you explain this "why did the chicken cross the road" joke?
>>56415404
>it's literally what it says..
Really? Then I don't see the funny part anywhere.
>>56415653
See this is funny when a Russian types it but if USA "comedian" did same job on TV it'd be too cheeseball
>>56415867
No it's not funny regardless of who says it. You just have some sort of irrational anti american bias
>>56415833
It's actually an existential question
>>56415867
We have a steriotype here about american humor being stupid and mostly about asses and farts.
>>56415905
lmao I could not ask for a better reply thanks
>>56415918
Russian humor is not better, at least most of Russian anecdotes
>>56415905
Nah. He's right. Fuck off fatlard.
>>56415918
--->
>>56415653
>>56414419
cook asking a cook:
what is your job? you must be a policemen?
No! - answered cook - I am a cook! And what is yours? You must be a doctor?
No! - answered cook - I am a cook!
>>56415853
When it says he got in the car and burned because it's too sudden and unreasonable.
>>56416090
>>56415979
It's not even good dark humor.
Here's a better joke
Did you hear about the Harvard study on rape
No
They find that 9 out of 10 people enjoy it
>>56415822
Lol, my bad, but ivan could be drunk.
>>56416233
But that's not funny at all
>>56416233
i didn't get it.
>>56416233
How in the world is this supposed to be funny?
>>56414419
Two men, an American and a Russian were argueing. One said, in my country I can go to the white house walk to the president's office and pound the desk and say "Mr president! I don't like how you're running things in this country!" The Russian said "I can do that too!"
"really?"
"Yes! I can go to the Kremlin, walk into the general secretary's office and pound the desk and say, mr. secretary, I don't like how Reagan is running his country!"
>>56416233
I get it but it's more offensive than funny to be honest.
Reported.
>>56416233
The point is that the fact that you're american and not eussian makes the joke instantly not funny.
>>56416233
Keep trying, Steve, keep trying.
Maybe once in a while...
>>56416326
This is a good joke
>>56416297
9 out of 10 people enjoy rape
>>56416352
>>56416339
>>56416309
confirmed anti american bias
Anglo joke
>Hello, police? I'd likd to report a grape
>I'm sorry to ask this ma'am, but do you mean a rape?
>No, there was a whole bunch of them!
>>56416326
Two Russians were walking down the street, one asked the other, "Have we really achieved full communism?" The other said "oh no. Things are about to get worse."
>>56416392
i understand what it said. I didn't get the joke. 9/10 people enjoy the rape is a joke? oooh... do you mean not being raped but do the rape?
>>56416392
It's GANGRAPE you fucking idiot!!!!!! *hits you on back of head*
>>56416458
He wasnt actually joking back then
>>56416502
He means the other 9 people raped the 10th person. Which is why only the 10th person didn't like it.
>>56416503
You don't have to say gangrape
>>56416502
yes
Ball in the house of the Rostovs. Natasha is in a bad mood, so angry at all ... she is dancing with a young cornet and says after a while:
- Cornet, your jacket is dirty!
Cornet thinks: "My God! Dirt on the jacket so disgraced in front of a lady !!!" He went out to the park and shot himself. Natasha, meanwhile, is already dancing with another officer, and also in the middle of the dance contemptuously remarks: "Your jacket is dirty!" On the same reason cornet decides that all his officer's honor is gone, leaves and shoots.
And this time screwy Lieutenant Rzhevskiy come and go straight to Natasha - invite to dance. Dance. Natasha:
- Lieutenant, there's dirt on your jacket ...
- You are mistaken, Natasha! THIS IS SHIT!
>>56416233
Ya blew it.
>>56416561
haha i know im just bantering you m8 *prods you in the chest really hard that it hurts a little*
Tell me, is this communism or it will be even worse?
>>56416531
Yeap, and now we can replace word communism with sovereignty or something
>>56416606
I went to catholic school your finger doesn't compare to cold boney finger of a nun
— Hello, my name is Oleg and I'm a liar.
— Sit down, Oleg.
— I'm not Oleg.
Is it true that in communism you can order food by the phone?
Yes, but it will be delivered through the TV
>>56416671
lol
>>56415047
Is there something i'm not getting here?
Turn is spelt straight ahead
Cracks me up every time
>>56416569
Actual poop?
Kek.
>>56416671
kek'd
Can we build communism in Israel?
Why does such a small country need such a large happiness?
>>56416569
lel. good
Is communism a science?
If it was science, it would have been tested on dogs.
>>56414619
>>56414665
exactly
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2bmqdnx5R1U
even finnish champions trasude with memes, i can only admire your people
They can stop posting jokes about communism, but theyll enjoy trip to kgb instead.
So, a boy and his grandfather sit together. The boy says to his grandfather:
Cидят, знaчит, дeд и внyк. Bнyк гoвopит дeдy:
- Grandpa, look, a dog is sitting!
And he answers:
-Lol
>>56414419
Lord tells the servant:
- Thomas, to me is necessary hot bath!
- Already I come out of the bath, sir!
Rabinovich has first seen a camel.
Damn, what they have done with horse?
>>56416139
make my door, blyat!!
Where do you know that a microchip was made in the USSR?
From far away.
A man put his hat on and it fits him right.
>>56414419
>tell jokes
How Americans call skinny people? Tourists.
SUKA BLYAT
Commieblock staircase humor: the thread
>>56416976
Haha
Oh such jews!
They created zionism for themeselves and communism for others!
We have laz (people from eastern black-sea region) jokes. Which the idea is, laz people always thinking in wrong way. Here is one of them:
A black guy from usa lost his passport when he was about to fly to turkey. Fortunately he found a lost passport on street and took it for using it as fake passport for entering turkey. But it was passport of famous actor leonardo di caprio. He decides to give a shot, put his photo on di caprios passport, then went to turkey.
At passport checkpoint, he showed his passport to temel(stereotypical name which used by laz people a lot)
Temel looked at the passport saw the name "leonardo di caprio" and then looked at the black guy. after a few minutes of cheking name and the guy with his eyes, he turned to his other officer friend and asked:
"Uhh was the titanic sinked or burned?"
>>56417146
A ты хopoш!
Chicken is not a bird, Bulgaria is not abroad.
Russians create supercomputer which can anwser all questions.
They tipe in:
"When will we achieve full communism?"
The machine says 598 steps.
They don't understand so they go to the wise man who lives in the mountains
"It's 598 steps because Lenin said:The first five year plan is a step towards communism"
>>56417081
XAXAXAXAXAXAXAXAXAXAXAA
>>56416326
kek
Brezhnev gives a speech to soviet sportsmen:
O! O! O! O!
Counselor whispers: it's not not o's, these are olympic rings!
A bear is walking around the forest, then he sees a hat. Hat exactly suits him.
>>56417300
Poland*
What is the most constant in Soviet Union?
Temporary difficulties
A hunter is getting ready for a hunt in taiga, doesn't know these places, so he takes a local guide. So they go through the taiga, guide in front, choping the way forward with his axe and the hunter breathing at his back
Suddenly a bear comes out in front. The guide freezed with his axe raised, the bear also freezed, the guide, without turning his head, quietly says to the hunter:
- Come here.
Silence from behind.
- Come here! - he repeats.
Silence again.
- COME HERE, ASSHOLE! - he says almost hissing that time. And he hears quiet voice of the hunter.
- Why the fuck are you calling him?
>>56417503
Kek
Bunch if finno-ugrics are running down the road. They see a sign:
You go to the left and will reach the warm beautifull country where you can grow grapes and there is a lot of sun.
You go to the right and will reach grim cold lands where only potato grows.
The ones who could read werw called hungarians latter, the ones who couldn't-finns.
How do you know there is a soviet spy device in your room?
There is another wardrobe in it.
A Frenchman, a Japanese, and a Russian are captured by an alien. He locks them in a cell and demands that they entertain him using three steel balls – the winner will be released, the others will be executed. A week later, the Frenchman demonstrates a juggling trick with the balls. The Japanese has created a rock garden. However the Russian is declared winner: he broke one ball, and lost another one.
American man, English pig and Russian man walked into the bar, took some drinks, gave 50$ to barman. Barman said:
- 5$ dollars more, please
- Ok, here they are.
Hitler and mussolini was chatting in a cafe
A guy from outside heard them and asked them:
"What are you guys talking about?"
Hitler: "we're planning ww3"
Guy: "really? What will happen this time?"
Hitler: "we will kill 16 million jews and a bike repairman"
Guy: "bike-repairman?! Why?"
Hitler turns to mussloini and says:
"You see, noone cares about 16 million jews"
How do we know if Cuba reaches socialism?
They will import sugar
>>56417658
Classics.
Our jokes looks kinda strange if you guy write it in English. Кaкoгo хyя?
kindergarten teacher says:
In soviet union everyone eats good and dresses well. Everyone lives in beautiful apartments, every child has a lot of exciting toys.
Vovotchka starts crying: "I want... i want... i want in a soviet union!"
Man buy a hat, but not him size
The king has captured a chemist, a physicist and a mathematician. Locked all of them in separate cages with a locked chest filled with food.
After seven days he comes to check them.
The chemist has gathered some minirals, made some exploisives and blew up the lock, and know he sits there eating.
Goes to the mathematician.
He counted the possibility to open the lock, made a lockpick from shit and branches, opened the chest and now is eating.
Goes to check the physicist. And the pysicist just sits there covered in shit and masturbates.
Why is soviet sun so happy in the morning?
It knows it will be on the west in the evening
>>56417936
Shit happens. Nobody understands russians even russians
>>56417626
I dont get it
>>56418034
Game of words was lost in English
>>56418081
There wasn't any in the original desu
Who is your father? (Teacher asks)
- Tovarisch Stalin
Who is your mother?
- Soviet Motherland
Who do you want to be?
- An orphan!
>>56418008
Nice
>>56418032
Sounds like a paradox.
>>56416233
GANG rape. The joke is that it's a gang rape you fuckwit
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MbinNj5cZSg
In the bar went infinite number mathematicians and bartender tells them:
SUKA BLYAT!!!
A nigger is sunbathing.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kMgtpO2leOE
>>56415853
Absurd humour.
A man is walking on the field, meets a shepherd. Comes to him and asks:
- Hey, man, how much do your sheeps eat?
- Well, the white ones - 1 kg a day.
- And the black ones?
- Also 1 kg a day.
- And how much wool do you get from them?
- Blacks or whites?
- Blacks, for example.
- 2 kg
- And whites?
- Also 2 kg
- Tell me, why do you differentiate them then?
- The white ones are mine.
- And the black ones?
- Also mine.
>>56414868
watching hateful eight here as well. paused while my bro went to take a shit
that southerner sheriff guy is actually funny, or at least he has been so far
>>56416988
- Fully break me, break me fully. I want you to completely break me. Could you?
- Pervert? Are ou pervert?
- I'm sportsman. Can you break me fully? Break me fully.
>>56418741
Baba, come-ka here!! Baba!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jo49pot_RMo
A man has been riding in his car for a whole day. He needs some rest. Sees a motel "Only for black people". Painted his face with coal and they let him in. He asks: "wake me up at 6 am". They woke him up early and he continued his trip. Got really tired by the evening, sees a motel: "Only for white people". Starts rubbing the coal from his face - it doesn't come off. The man thinks to himself:
- Shit, they woke up the wrong guy...
>>56417274
actually Georgian
delet
Russians pls explain me this sport, seems fun as fuck.
>>56419093
Do you know a biathlon? So, that's the biathlon, but with tanks. Special for Russian Ivan because we use tanks instead of skies while in Russia.
>>56419201
Пoтoмy чтo coceтe в биaтлoнe, cкopee. 0 мeдaлeй, Ивaн.
>>56419201
Cool, is there any video or stream? What tanks do they use mostly? Old T-72...
>>56419032
I'm confused. Was the that says 'shit, they woke up the wrong guy' the same guy at the start? Or did they wake up a black guy already staying there, and he drove to a new motel, tried to rub his actually black skin off, and then somehow know that another guy was supposed to be woken up?
>>56419270
But, Putin give us this. Beware!
>>56419362
That kinda is the joke
One day, a peasant boy was with his mother when she told him to go to the market.
"Get bread, two eggs, and a spring ham."
And off to the market the boy went, though he returned soon after empty-handed.
"Mama, the store had nothing! What do I do?"
And his mother smiled, and said again:
"Get bread, two eggs, and a spring ham."
And again he went, and again he returned empty-handed.
"Mama, the store is still empty! What do I do?"
"Get bread, two eggs, and a spring ham."
So the boy returned to the market for the third time, then home again, with nothing.
But his mama died in the famine.
Then the comrade commissar shot him because his tears were counter-revolutionary.
>>56419398
Hy пo пpaвдe гoвopя, кaлaшникoвa и нaдyвнoгo тaнкa дoлжнo хвaтить, чтoбы зaвoeвaть пoлoвинy Aвcтpии. Ho ecли зaхoтитe втopyю пoлoвинy, нyжнo пpивлeкaть чтo-тo eщe.
>>56419298
Here it is:
https://youtu.be/96dQnfZFqws
You also can find it yourself. Lurk Taнкoвый Биaтлoн.
>>56419298
Russian teams use modernized T-72B3 with slightly better engines, Chinese use their own Type 99 tank and they give T-72 to everyone else.
>>56419503
Ecть eщё нaдyвныe caмoлёты.
Two blondes talking at a bus stop:
- What bus are you waiting for?
- The number four, and you?
- Number three.
Comes bus number #7 and one blonde says:
- Cool, let's go together!
>>56419091
Why are georgians give the most imbecile politicians
>stalin
>erdogan
>>56414843
>>56415653
>>56416671
>>56417146
>>56417274
>>56417652
>>56419032
kek
>>56414908
Don't get it. Is the joke that they are poor or that they are going to eat the pigeons?
>>56419620
They are imbecile themselves, I guess. Also:
>Beria
>Saakashvily
>>56416671
Actually, There is paradox on that
There once was a mule who could sing blessings with a Gregorian chant. The Tartars raided and slaughtered him.
>>56419527
That's really neat.
>>56414550
Why do you think so? I understand why we think our humor is fun: it represents our everyday lives and it made of our native language, but you? I guess, you know Russian; at least a few words. But I don't think that our humor is a good one comparing with because it use wordplay or some things that only us can understand. Maybe, you'll explain?
A man once went to Africa where he found an injured elephant with a spike stuck in his knee. The man took out the spike and treated his wound.
Many years later our man went to the Moscow circus, where among everything else elephants were performing. And one elephant disobeying all the comands stepped out of the arena, made his way throught the seats, came to the man, grabbed him with his trunk and hit the man on the floor with full force.
That was not the elephant the man met in Africa.
>>56420085
Maybe it sounds funny in russian, but it's nonsense in english.
>you all thought it was the elephant he met in africa
>haha got you! It wasnt
After the death Russian and American, go to hell.
The devil asks them: - What the hell you go, in the Russian or American?
- What's the difference?
- In the American need to eat every day for a bucket of shit, but in Russian hell you must two buckets.
American chose the American and Russian thought: "All my life lived in Russia, what could change?"
A month there. Russian asks:
- Well, how are you?
- Fine, I ate a bucket of shit in the morning and the whole day is free. and you?
- But as always, the shit is not delivered, the buckets are not enough.
Genghis Khan was once approached by some princes' wife. She asked him to release her relatives that he held captive.
- Here, your husband, your son and your brother. I will only let one of them go. Who do you chose?
She didn't even think for a moment.
-My brother.
-Tell me, why?
The woman told:
-I can mary another man, I can give birth to another son, but I can't create another brother for myself.
After hearing that, Genghis Khan dismembered all four of them and pissed on their corpses because he's a mongol, he does that kind of stuff.
>>56417939
kek
>>56420185
i think its amusing
>>56420364
KHAN'd
>>56414619
>Finnish humor
2 sailors meet
and one says: I'm not a sailor
>>56416671
Этим Oлeгoм был Aльбepт Эйнштeйн
>>56415218
I knew a Polish girl named Sarah.
Thank you for good mood!
