I need your validation before I send this to my publisher. Ive

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Anonymous
2016-02-07 13:10:59 Post No. 2385737
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Anonymous 2016-02-07 13:10:59 Post No. 2385737 [Report]

I need your validation before I send this to my publisher. Ive been working on it for some years now and i finally feel finished with the entire piece. Obviously i wont post the whole thing but... Ppplease be gentle. It's just the first paragraph....
I was shorted in life… one way or another something always came up short; this layoff is just another shortage in the story of my life. It wasn’t as if I wasn’t expecting it. The whole town had been waiting for it to come, like a train wreck, or a dead body that we all just couldn’t wait to see. It was fueled by a curiosity that simple resolution couldn’t solve. Only being a part of it could satisfy that craving. Everyone had a chance to quit and go somewhere else. Yet we all stayed, knowing we’d lose our jobs. The biggest reason for staying was that we hoped to make it through. When the truth is, we couldn’t resist seeing who didn’t make it. To say it was anything less than masochism would be a lie. To call it anything more than sadism wouldn’t be wrong though. It wasn’t a matter of if simply when, when was it going to happen. I knew what I wanted, others could be in denial but I know what I want. I want to watch it burn; I want to be the catalyst and kick off the best damn show this shithole ever saw. Let’s burn with a flame bright enough for everyone to watch. For everyone to stop. For everyone to fuel. If this world belongs to us, and if we want it beyond a morbid curiosity then the flames that brighten our lives will subside and we will drift into a deeper level. Skulking away in our rarest form. Let me be the one to break you lord and show you another type of light.

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Anonymous 2016-02-07 13:26:04 Post No.2385746
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Anonymous 2016-02-07 13:26:04 Post No.2385746 [Report]

try /lit/

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Anonymous 2016-02-07 13:28:09 Post No.2385748
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Anonymous 2016-02-07 13:28:09 Post No.2385748 [Report]

>>2385737
>>/lit/

The first first sentence uses "short" or some variation thereof three times. Remove the dot dot dot as well.

>I was shorted in life
This doesn't read right, as it's a continuing state. I had always been, I was continually -- both would work better. In the second sentence I'd find another way to express the idea of shortage so it sounds less repetitive.

You also have a couple tense issues. "this layoff is" should be "this layoff was." "When the truth is" should be "When the truth was."

Anyway, besides some of the style/grammar issues, the paragraph feels long winded for what it's trying to express. You can cut down a lot of the excess and it'll sound less purple. Currently, bits of it border on cheesy.