ITT: we pretend to be a tech startup
>>51347334
i'll make the logo
>>51347349
i'll synergize the slogan
We need to hire a developer, a programmer manager, a database architect, an infrastructure guy and a system administrator, stat.
Oh, and we can only get one guy.
And we can only pay in equity.
Does 0.5% with an option to get another 0.5% in a year sound fair?
>>51347334
node.js is awesome, guys.
Geee I wonder when our new Apple™ Mac™ Pros® will arrive
>how did we scale the backend server using the hipster language?
>>51347368
0.5%? I don't feel ready to give away so much control.
>>51347334
LOOOOOOOOOOOOLLL WEEEEEEED DUDEEEEE!!!!
>>51347412
Lets recruit unpaid interns.
>>51347412
Let's see if we can find someone to just go for the option thing then.
Honestly, if they don't want to work for just options, they probably won't believe in the company 100% anyway!
What size ball pit should I buy for the rec room?
Oh, and what's our policy on Bring Your Own NERF?
>>51347334
Guy's our team isn't diverse enough. I feel oppressed and triggered.
THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SAFE WORK ENVIRONMENT
>>51347334
Guys! You can only use Apple laptops, we need to make a good first impression on any customer!
>>51347464
>what's our policy on Bring Your Own NERF?
I guess letting unknown devices have access on our internal network doesn't sound like a bad idea desu.
>>51347464
Should we also get either a pool table, foosball table, or ping-pong table?
so it's unanimous, right?
>>51347538
>2015
>ruby
We can't afford using that. We are a profit oriented startup. We need to finish our product soon. If we spend a week learning Ruby, we are going to loose 4$.
>>51347538
Get with the times gramps
>>51347368
Do you hire interns ?
>>51347631
Yes, we can pay an extra $20/month for your internship.
We require 5 years of senior level development experience.
>>51347469
You're right, but we don't have enough space for more people so you're fired, don't worry your place will be replace by an African American, his name is Token.
@Everyone
Um, hey guys can we get fair trade coffee for the reccy room? I me come on. if we're going to be a company I think we should be responsible yah know?
>shit we actually have to sell this crap now
>who goes around talking and shmoozing this hist?
>c-c-cant we use mail?
>>51347334
We should make a personal transport vehicle, see attached for my own original design.
>>51347675
Also our usage of only sugar is bad. We need agave, stevia, sugar and other alternatives.
>>51347717
I don't like the color, could you make it more fashionable.
>>51347717
I'm just the inventor do we have a designer?
Guys, I just read "The Goal" and I feel like our 'drum-buffer-rope' is... bad. Or whatever. Point is, we need an app.
hear at christabell furnitures we want to give you the hottest options for sponging your rig. as you may remember from our latest keynote, the Grisabella 2 has been flying off of shelves and into your 'puters to remove any mold or hive insects that you may have accumulated.
for q1 2016, we' re aiming for tighter restrictions on our hardware, no more cheap knockoff brands. we want you to enjoy the grisabella mk3 in privacy, so no more slipshod surveillance platforms on OUR sponges!
I'm not entirely sure what my startup actually markets.
>>51347692
don't worry the product is strong, clients will come as long as we fix a sick landing page.
Every pixel counts lads
>>51347798
I know a local abstract artist, I'll give her the contract.
We have to the take a pay cut to pay for her art tho.
>>51347858
Fuck that, just copy whatever the fuck you find in google.
got an idea:
uber for dogs
>>51347334
We aren't disruptive enough, we need to pivot!!
>>51347619
>MENA
what
>>51347870
I feel strongly about her skill.
The design is the most important aspect of the product.
We want the smart, educated, Apple crowd.
>>51347902
I agree, we should use the MEME stack instead.
>>51347919
Mongo Express Meteor Ember?
My stack is 75% better than yours.
Alright Team. I need you to read this ASAP and memorize it by heart.
I'll be in Santa Fe until Monday so hold off on contacting me until then.
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/20130923134035-15077789-17-things-you-should-never-say-to-your-boss
>>51348026
Oh god, how horrible
>>51348054
Uh so who is in charge of the office then?
>>51348054
Alright Team I will go to <x tropical island> to market our product, it won't be a vacation but 2 months of grueling work.
>>51348064
We have been over this before.
If problems come up, fix them. You're not babies.
If I wanted to do everyone's work for them, I wouldn't have hired anyone. I would have kept 100% of the profits for myself.
Do I pay for your health insurance so that you can ask me stupid questions?
>>51347334
we need a word that normally ends with ER, then we take out the E
then we need an .io domain
after, i'll go to starbucks with my macbook.and start writing our ruby on rails code
>>51347334
I'll install the latest Googles,
>>51347368
you make sure the managers are briefd on the latest pointy hairstyles
>>51348064
i am.
Anon, you go viral!
LETS DO THIS
Guys we got another 2M investment, but I reprogrammed the budget again so you won't get salaries, yet, again... we will put it all into marketing to make even more profit and then you'll start getting salaries.
Someone put salt into water and start boiling it, I'm on my way to get Tesco value pasta.
>>51347717
On a side note, we can just diy this by strapping wood planks on a roomba.
>>51348178
>you make sure the managers are briefd on the latest pointy hairstyles
That sounds like a very 'corporate' thing to do, we are a lean startup!
>>51348178
UGH. WHERE'S OUT TEECCCHHH? MY MACBOOK PRO HAS A VIRUS. >>51348167Run out and grab me a new iPad pro. Take it out of the Tech's pay, he fucked up.
>>51348054
if youre not supposed to act "just here for the money" what the fuck else then? this is what i hated about my job interviews, this bullshit about having to make up a reason why you want to work there.
fuck, i just threw "programmer" at a job database and applied to the positions i felt qualified for. i dont know your company at all beyond the 5 minutes i spent on your homepage
>>51348215
S Y N E R G Y
Y
N
E
R
G
E
T
I
C
>>51348215
Sounds like we have a prototype working, I'll start growth hacking
IF ANYONE SAYS ANYTHING ABOUT FUNCTIONAL PROGRAMMING, YOU'RE FIRED. AND I KNOW PLENTY OF PEOPLE IN THE INDUSTRY, SO YOU'LL BE BLACKBALLED TOO.
dont want any of that functional bullshit around here.
i'm not going to pay 100k for something i can hire a 40k monkey to do in java and python on a LAMP stack (whatever the fuck that means)
>>51348249
Because you're part of a TEAM. Because you're investing in this product just as much as I am.
Sure, I'm wasting some VC's money and I don't care if the company succeeds or not. Sure, my salary is 20 times higher than yours. Sure, my job consists of going to parties and traveling the globe "to get more investors". Sure, I do none of the functional work but I will consider myself the creator of the app or service or whatever.
But you're part of a TEAM. And I pay for your health insurance so shut up and do your job!!!
>>51348054
This must be trolling, and it succeeded, i'm mad.
"I have a great software idea that I know will make millions and revolutionize the industry. But since I don't know how computers work, I'll need to hire a programmer to handle the implementation details. Who's interested?"
>>51347538
this hit home
except it wasn't a startup that forced me to use it - it was a large company with a "startup mentality"
I will make a page on the social medias!
I think I will use ''memes'' in the ads.
What do you guys think of ''pepe''?, I heard it was popular among teenagers and young adults.
Guys, Are you seriously going to use Angular? That's so mainstream! I read somewhere that two way data binding is bad for, uh... some reason? Doesn't matter. Anyway, we're going to use React.js now. Yes, yes I know it's frustrating, yes I know that you've spent the last 2 weeks learning angular, but still, React is newer and it has this... artificial DOM or something and is faster because of that I read in some guy's blog post. We're also going to use npm instead of gulp now because we're trying to be minimalistic here.
>disrupting
>>51348923
>Company uses popular meme for commercial purposes
>Gets sued by the owner of the original image of said meme
This is something I can see happening, and it would be great if it did.
Guys, about this cross platform app development business.. This Xamarin license is fucking expensive! We'll use Unity3d instead ,that's free. Yes, I know that it's game engine, but it also works for apps!
So what if it takes a bit more battery life, what about it? "Instantly drains the battery even when it does nothing"? Just lower the framerate to like...3 or something, I don't know. Yes, 3. I don't CARE that it feels totally laggy, just MAKE IT WORK SOMEHOW. Increase the frame rate when the user interacts or something. Include a web view with a canvas controlled by WebGL to make scrollable lists for mobile devices that don't lag.
>>51349127
>using a game engine for a mobile app
Has this ever been done? If so, what app?
>>51348923
No anon that's not cool. We'll do that after we decide to crash and burn the company.
Do we have an aging hipster YouTube shill making daily vlogs of himself riding an electric skateboard and shilling our gay app?
>>51349152
My company actually wants to do this. Like, holy fuck, why? This seems like a horrible idea. Absolutely horrible. But the "muh it's free!" card is being played and I don't have an argument against that. I seriously don't see how $6000 per year for a xamarin license would kill us.
>>51349152
unity can be used to produce mobile apps. its intended for game production. its free
as far as what apps idk but a game has user input commands via buttons mouse/analogs or touch screen and unity can do all those input commands. you can make ps4 games on unity five even
we want to CHANGE the U N I V E R S E with CODE
we believe in the POWER of ROBUST AGILE PROGRAMMING
CREATIVE and INTUITIVE apps for the CLOUD
>>51348249
Funny you mention this.
I'm a hiring manager at an IT firm.
I always ask about the primary motivation for seeking the position.
If it's any answer other than money, I do not hire.
The point of a job is to get money. If you say anything else, you're probably being dishonest.
I'm envisioning the next Facebook, you know? A social media application that just...revamps everything and sets a new standard.
We have an angel investor for $100,000...but we've got plenty of equity.
So we need a marketer, an HR rep, a secretary, and a full stack web developer for front end, back end, and system/network engineering.
I'm working on something amazing using wordpress, I need someone who knows programming though, I want to apply epic iOS gestures to our project!
>>51348809
I'm MAD AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!
Through our new iOS app we are on our way to make the world a better place.
>>51349261
I appreciate that.
Still it's a shitty situation for a potential employee. There are employers who want you to lie and say that you fucking fell in love with the company the moment your eyes gazed upon the first letter of its name and that it would be a pleasure, no, an honor to work with such a reputable and innovative company and that you agree with everything they're doing 100% and that you would literally kill yourself if you were rejected, because this job is the only thing that will bring you happiness.
...And those like you.
I'm just always going to be honest. If it was an option, I'd be home all day and contribute to open source projects that I enjoy and laugh at wage slaves. That's the truth.
>>51349339
>I'm just always going to be honest.
This is your best bet.
If you BS in the interview and they don't see through it, you'll likely end up at a job you don't want anyway.
That being said, if you're poor as fuck and neeeeed a job, then do whatever.
>>51347902
middle east north africa
>>>/int/
We are all feminists right?
I think we should buy some gaming consoles and set them up in a corner of the room along with beanbag chairs. Nobody will ever use them, but it'll show how relaxed and not-like-other-companies we are.
>If you see a problem, don't address the situation with what's wrong; address the situation with an answer. If you don't have a real solution, wait until you do
Guys, during my v- business trip to uh... what did I... uh London(?) I met Mr. Harris. The new app that I assigned 3 of you to yesterday, that one's for him. I take it that you're almost done with it, are you? By the way, he's going to come here in 15 minutes, I expect you to prepare the presentation room and show him your almost finished prototype.
What do you mean? "Didn't know it was so urgent"? What the fuck am I paying you for? Why were you just working on the four other apps that we're currently working on instead? Don't you know how much Harris is going to pay m- us? You didn't? You could have just called me and I would have told you. Don't you know why I bought these new Cisco phones with cameras for you? Do you at least have a prototype we can present? You DON'T?
You know what? You're fired. You're all fired. You have 10 minutes to pack your stuff and get out. I'd be better off just doing all of this by myself. Never show your faces here again. You have all disappointed me. Did I really demand that much from you? All I asked from you was to think for yourselves, but you couldn't, because you don't actually want us to succeed. You don't actually care about the company at all, do you? You're just here for the money, huh? You lying fucks. That's not what you told me in the interviews! Get out. You have 10 seconds to just get out. I'll throw everything you leave behind into the trash. All of this is your fault.
I'm surrounded by imbeciles. Wow. WOW! FUCKING WOOOOOOW!
*slams door*
>you can track where in the whole wide world the photo was taken but you cant make the app recognize if the photo contains a tree? what the fuck you are bullshitting me anon, I am not stupid, what the hell do I pay you for?
You know what? I say fuck it, ember sucks. Let's use Backbone and React for the view layer. It's not like we have to rewrite EVERYTHING, we can still keep... the CSS... and the HTML meta tags...
>>51349261
Well, to a certain extent I can understand why companies will generally want an answer other than "for the money" - it basically goes without saying that people want to get paid for the work they do, so "why work for us?" has a certain relevance. There is a certain investment and risk in employing someone, so companies will generally prefer someone who is likely to have enough loyalty to stick around long enough for it to be worth it. A simple "because I want to be paid" doesn't tend to imply that kind of loyalty, unless your company pays comparatively well for the work.
>>51349886
Fair enough, but it was more to the question of 'Why did apply for this position?" not "Why do you want to work here?".
>>51349886
>>51349993
Also, employees that are in need of a job are much more controllable than hotshots with lots of experience who can get a job anywhere.
>>51349993
Still largely the same thing, though "because that's a job I can do" is the more it-goes-without-saying answer than "for the money".
I have a great idea for a business and I just need a programmer to take care of the technical stuff. You'll be responsible for everything and get a pay of 10%.
>>51347717
I think we need to shift our design to this.
Put a code of conduct in place to prevent extremely offensive use of phallic emojis
>>51350272
Also forbid tripcodes too to prevent faggotry in the workplace.
>>51347717
>We should make a personal transport vehicle,
You mean like a (bi,motor)cycle?
>>51347334
ayyyy let me be CEO and tell people to get out of the room if they even remotely annoy me. GET OUT
>>51350301
The term "workplace" is offencive to workers and violates my nice big COC, I'm calling the police
>>51349152
Duolingo uses their app/game to generate massive collaborative translation and resell it to translation companies
Can we please get a PR team together to hand sexual harassment complaints? I want to harvest a safe and inclusive work place for women.
>>51350441
:eggplant:
AWS is really fucking neato. Let's never host servers again.
>>51350557
That's actually the direction my company is going.
I regularly lose access to our databases now, and have to get the infrastructure nerds to re-establish the VPN tunnel.
>>51349310
10/10
>>51348054
>'There's Something Wrong'
>It's easy to complain about what's wrong. It's hard to come up with solutions to fix the problem. My former manager at LivingSocial said, "Be a problem solver, not spotter," and I've taken this advice to heart in my everyday life. If you see a problem, don't address the situation with what's wrong; address the situation with an answer. If you don't have a real solution, wait until you do.
>- Sarah Ware, Markerly
wut
>8. 'It's Too Difficult'
>I get fired up when someone is paralyzed and doesn’t complete a task because it’s difficult or because few others have done it. We’re a disruptive company that has to innovate, that has to do things few have done before us. One of my advisors here has a quote: “If it were easy, everyone would be doing it.” We won’t win if we don’t think big.
>11. 'I Can't'
>I don’t want to hear excuses ever!
imagine working for this kind of douche. SYNERGISE! ACTUALISE THE POTENTIALS! NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!
>9. 'I Agree to Disagree'
>At a startup, you're either all the way in or all the way out.
"agree with me or you're fired"
hoooooly fuck am i glad i'm not a wagekuk
>>51350725
I actually agree with #9 on this one. I'm in enterprise software, and there is so much pussyfooting around that things get delayed all the time. Of course there's no such thing as a perfect solution, but pick a fucking side so we can at least make some progress.
I'd rather someone's ego gets bruised being wrong if that gets us somewhere constructive.
>>51347464
Are we going to use bean bags or swiss balls as office chairs? And when is our order for 30 iMacs coming in?
>>51350725
>'There's Something Wrong'
That's a great one though.
It literally defines liberals at this point. People who want to walk around and whine about a thing without offering any sort of solution to thing. Those are the worst kind of people.
i've got it guys
lets hire students for the majority of our programming division then wonder why my employees aren't showing up to work as much and meeting my deadlines around finals periods
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOUR GRANDMOTHER PASSED AWAY NO YOU CANT TAKE TIME OFF TO GO TO THE FUNERAL WE HAVE A MAJOR DEADLINE NEXT WEEK AND FOUR DEVELOPERS.
Hiring more developers to ease the stress and workload? Who the fuck do you think we are?!
i get the feeling you're not committed to this company, pack up your things
*slams door*
>>51348167
HOW MANY .io DOMAINS DO WE HAVE?
BUY MORE .io DOMAINS
WE NEED TO INCREASE OUR MARKET SHARE
>>51347464
>mfw my coworker just brought in a $110 nerf gun
Like wtf
>>51347879
duber
Hey guys there's no more Clif Bars in the snack room.
I don't think I can continue work without my mid morning snack.
>>51351188
the men in the office have bigger nerf guns than the women do, can we adopt a code of conduct already?
we're all manginas!
>>51348054
>>51348249
>>51348249
didn't like the "not my job" one. obviously you wouldn't say that verbatim but instead "you want to speak to the ____ department"
At a good job they will understand that in this situation you could try to be nice and cover for them this one time, but at a shit job "just this one time" will meander itself into eventually you'll be doing the whole department’s job and not only not getting paid but being yelled at when you "forgot to do it"
>This whole thread
RIP my sides
>>51351361
>>51348249
>>51350970
>>51350794
>>51350725
I think what pisses me off the most about the list is exactly that it's ambiguous.
Yeah, being excessively negative can suck. But having to sugar coat everything can also suck. What it really comes down to is that your boss is some idiot faggot who lucked into the silver spoon capital to fund a dumbass startup, or got his job through a lifetime of nepotism, and now wants to impose gay little MOTIVATIONAL! but arbitrary and inconsistent things on you, and no one can answer because god forbid you question the boss' CHARISMA!!!! and ENTHUSIASM!!! HE'S AN ENTREPRENEUR! EXTREME SPORTS!
>>51347334
Let's install gentoo boss
>>51351567
Nigger.
Be honest.
Say what you feel, but be prepared to back it up.
I almost didn't get hired at my current job because I came across as arrogant, but they actually hired me to a higher paying position BECAUSE I was confident and fit a certain profile.
>>51348317
Linux
Apache
MySql
PHP
>>51347522
ping-pong master-race silly.
>>51351567
At the end of the day, I think what this list is really trying to get at is don't be autistic and unapproachable. You can make all these excuses if they're actually valid as long as you say it in the right way.
I've probably spent too much time on 4chan, but since it's one of those "REAL BUSINESS WEBSITES", why not just be frank and say that then.
>ANON U GOTTA BE THIS WAY TO BE IN BUSINESS LIKE ME
>BUSINSESS MAN STRONK
>b-b--b-bbut d-d--ddont make excuses o-ok i am stronk
>>51347334
We work hard and play hard
Anon we're gonna need you to be devops, that means taking whatever mangled mess our programmers wrote and making sure it never breaks, ever.
>>51347675
IT'S 2015!!!
We're gonna need you to come in on public holidays and on weekends for no extra pay because we're understaffed but not looking to hire.
do it or you aren't dedicated to the company we want you to innovate
*brings in a bouncy ball to replace his office chair
>We will use Gentoo.
>Only hire white males
>You will be required to use emacs
>Your desktop ricing is Okay. Loli allowed.
>Pay reasonably
>?????
>More than likely. Profit.
*jerks off in the bathroom*
>>51352238
>Loli obligatory
FTFY
>>51352271
Agreed
how can we apply our pricing model to the pepe market?
>>51352238
>emacs
Please withdraw my application.
>>51352238
>>51352271
What would an /lg/ startup sell? LISP machines? An app for ordering fine teaware and organizing tea-parties? Some sort of loli breakfast machine?
>>51347334
We need an Indian as CEO
>>51353233
sublime kek
>>51347368
>We need to hire a developer, a programmer manager, a database architect, an infrastructure guy and a system administrator, stat.
>Obviously never worked at a startup.
You mean a 10x rockstar coder, a big data guru, and a DevOps engineer.
>>51348001
>mongo, a frontend framework, and TWO application frameworks
I don't see why not.
I volunteer as a professional shitposter and Intel shill
I remember a couple months ago I applied to some ad on craigslist about a job doing basically call center type work for a startup
They were trying to pay me $10 an hour full time with no benefits in fucking downtown sacramento california (aka the worst traffic in the country), and the office was like 3 people working in some piece of shit office that had a bunch of abandoned suites near it (abandoned, not vacant)
you should aim to be a piece of shit company like that instead
everyone to the conference room immediately. i'm making a starbucks(TM) run. who wants what?
this will be covered under business expenses.
>thread about startups
ok guys i need to get this off my chest
>first day at start up
>desk isn't assembled, no chair in sight
>"oh, you have to pick it up from the office depot. don't forget your chair!"
>pick up from office depot
>assemble it at work
>end up having to share the desk with another guy that starts later on that week
>not even an arms length of free space
>walking through the building i feel like im going to bump into someone -- we're so cramped up. im not even fat (skinny i am)
>the building reeks of herbs and incense
>i dont even have my own trash bin.
>hiring guy tells me to fill out paperwork, totally fine, i can do that
>read through everything, everything seems okay.
>sign paper
>hand it in
>"thank you anon"
that thank you felt good.
weeks pass..
>company CEO making an announcement regarding moving offices
>we're moving ahead of schedule
>says that the new office won't be completely finished at move in date, but he's sure it won't be such a big deal
>bike storage to cater towards the two people that bike to work
>the office has more than 50 guys and 3 girls, yet theres only one mens washroom and one women's washroom. as in one toilet dedicated to men, and one toilet dedicated to women.
i get that women should have their own washroom, so give them their own washroom. but what the fuck, one toilet is supposed to be shared among 50 men that are staying at the office for more than 10 hours per day??? what the fuck????
>everyone works from home 2-3 days of the week
>can never get ANYthing productively done because no one ever responds to their emails
>hipchat
>being spammed with memes
>>51353577
>hipchat
>using hipchat
>not using slack
Comes in with 8 certs from A+ to Win 7 mctp and demands shit gets right or I'm walking. What is the future of this company and what tech do we have to offer
OMG WE'RE BEING HACKED
Quick, someone help me with this keyboard! I NEED BACKUP!
>>51347919
>>51348001
I keked.
Qucik who's our security analyst
>>51347902
>Mean
>>51353754
Shit its me. Quick lock down firewall and shutdown Iis
>>51349501
>The entire infrastructure looked like it was about to fall over and die but I couldn't work out a fix so I didn't tell anyone for 24 hours until it happened
>>51350557
>>51350603
I seriously can't understand this AWS meme. We have a rack full of servers in a datacentre we bought for $X. Every one of those servers can run 10-20 virtual servers. Even factoring in rack space, we could run this in AWS for ~14 months before it became more expensive than our hardware. The difference is we bought everything on a three year lifespan.
I'll post our product on HN
>Disrupting disruption: How we changed the product initiative industry forever in only 7 lines of code.
>200 points by apple4lyfe
>>51353913
Don't forget to fire all asians, since assuming an asian is good with technology is racist
>>51353577
>>hipchat
>>being spammed with memes
I fuckin lol'd.
>>51353577
Related story.
>IT for a large accounting firm
>HR hired staff and literally no one knew about it
>Principle came to me and asked what the fuck to do with these two people
>Someone somehow setup some desks in a hallway
>It looks like those tables you used in primary school
>I pulled some previously EOL'ed desktops from a cupboard and rebuilt them
>Had to buy a 20M electrical cable and power board and run it from an adjacent office
>Principle in panic about whether the over crowded office met safety regulation
>Had no software licensing, so I delivered them the only Windows XP (because OEM) machine in the building with no Office or line of business apps
>RSA tells me it'll be eight weeks to get some tokens here before I can get them logins
>>51353930
Sure is thedailywtf.com in here.
>internship at a startup
>claim they're super cool (Google cool to be exact)
>working from home
>boss video calls me on skype
>answer wearing a tracksuit
>he tells me it's inappropriate, unprofessional and that I should change
Startups, never again
>>51352238
What about vim boss
>>51354016
Yeah i think i've had enough experience with startups now to say never again, the double standards and contradictions are just fucking shit.
>>51354297
add gaming companies to the list
>>51354328
I could understand why
>same sort of demographic as a startup
>same buzzwords going around
>absolutely shit deadlines
go big company or enterprise or go home
>>51347370
I work at godaddy and we're trying to move everything to node.js
>>51347370
why
>>51354391
lol really?
>>51354391
For a business built entirely upon hosting Worpdress and Joomla sites for the "web developers" who think installing a plugin is "development", that's a tough call.
Yeah GoDaddy is all about small business development and commitment to open source shit. There is a huge push in the engineering side to use node.js
>>51354462
You are so right. Half of the people who call in are "developers" or "it people" and they know less than I did in high school
Aerons at every desk.
Beanbags in the meeting room.
Thank you for mentioning mean, I've never heard of it, but it seems interesting.
>>51354016
Isnt that all company in nutshell?
ALRIGHT FAGGOTS LET'S LAUNCH OUR KICKSTARTER/INDIEGOGO CAMPAIGN
we need a fancy video filled with buzzwords and other bullshit
>company is going to be started in less than a day
>we still don't have a logo
>we still don't agree on the color scheme
>we still don't have our own coffee corner roast blend
>we still don't agree on the hair style
do we have a name yet?
>>51354016
at least he didn't caught you sipping on cheap coffee, that would've sparked outrage, :^)
>>51354948
It would be better, if we have all those things, before the name.
I claimed our Topkek.business domain, we're safe lads
>>51354981
agreed, and what was our product again?
Ping pong tables!
>>51355013
I think Jahid had some kind of prototype.
as for the company name, I was thinking about
TwinkLe
twink to show support for the LGBTQEAI+ community
twinkle to spark new ideas and ideologies
and Le to show support for the horrors in France and Paris
it's innovative
it's attractive
it's powerful
it's 2015
>>51355181
second
>>51355181
>>51355230
>2015
No, we're already behind the times. We need to be 2020.
ISBeast
We need to show support for the beast loving community and that marriage isn't just something between a human and a human.
IS for the child slaves that are being rescued from terrorist abomination Israel.
>Above the curve
>The new hip
>Future driven
>Future Proof
>>51355248
okay, then what about
Black TwinkLe
that should be at least 2017 proof and again, we're a popup start-up, so we try to cash-out before 2018
ISBeast is too politically complicated to be correct, we might scare off jewish miorities with it
>>51355248
Your idea has too many vowels!! What are you thinking????
Come back when you have a better idea -- I'll be at my walking desk waiting.
>>51349152
Maybe if the app has 3D stuff?
>>51355248
nonononononono
I used to call my rapist "Beast"
this is too triggering
>>51349152
>unity
>non-game
>android
pretty cool stuf desu senpai
>>51350924
Neither, I already put in an order for our new Standing treadmill desks.
>>51351590
You're fired.
>>51355319
Pssh, we'll just never tell them what it means!
>>51355343
Bist!
How about Bist sir?!
Everyone else in the entire office agrees.
Except for Jaunice, everything triggers Jaunice....*shouts*
>>51355376
"No one cares about your trigger Jaunice! Go trigger yourself with a .45 you biggot."
I actually work for a tech startup in a small team. It gives us a direct opportunity to discuss things with the higher ups of the company but sometimes they still choose not to listen.
>>51347334
Hey, some people have branches on git that are more than 2 weeks old so I made one public and put it on /r/programming
No need to thank me - I know what good publicity is.
I can be a shill
Guys I accidently unplugged this and the flickering lights went out.
>>51356367
some of those are not even remotely understandable.
>>51347619
Mean is old, angular is deprecated in favor of react... duh
mern!
>>51356434
I do not see it being deprecated, maybe only in favor of angular 2. I do not know, if it will ever take off.
>>51356434
mongo is so old and crufty, we are using rethinkdb, its mongo done right!
>>51356453
We're in a startup thread mate ;?
>>51356492
True, should we then develop our own js framework?
>>51356517
No.
We should use some open source totally reliable software from github I found for free.
This library is maintained by a random autistic 24 year old dude who makes sporadic updates and has little documentation. Let's go with this
>>51347631
yes we require 2-3 years of unpaid intern experience, must have a solid track record with previous projects and a portfolio that shows you know how to do the thing.
>>51347798
I thought you were the designer, I thought i was the inventor... uh...
>>51356529
>this library is maintained by a random autistic 24 year old dude who makes sporadic updates and has little documentation
The true of this hurts
who is our javascript ninja?
>>51354910
I'll try to find the perfect indie guitar and piano song in my 3TB collection of hipster music.
I'll build the network
>need servers
>ask boss for 2k for cheap ass servers to build a system for reports, sales orders, purchase orders, NAS, and network switches
>NOOOPE
>coworker suggests we use a couple of desktops instead to run our main sharepoint server that is customer facing
>patches cables with any fucking cable lying around in the patch panel.
>network breaks because modem to main switch is loose and IT can't figure out which fucking cable is the modem to main switch
>I quit after this, two weeks in
Okay startup over.
No more ideas? Then we have the perfect startup, don't we?
>>51353627
Can confirm slack is god tier
Well it obviously needs to rungentoo?
WE STILL NEEEED A LOGO
>>51359564
Hi I commissioned this logo from an artist that's trending on facetweet, we now owe him a 5% share of the company and a years pay.
>>51360169
It's transgressive, it's edgy, it's daring... It's perfect.
>>51360813
>transgressive
Does this mean it aggressively fucks transexuals?
I'm an ideas guy
hey guys, the logo has just arrived
>>51361404
Needs to be black. People need to see our pride in tolerance within our company.
I got an icon pack that doesn't support two apps. How can i change the icons of these two without changing the rest?
>>51361716
>>51361864
Oops, wrong thread.
>>51361895
Don't go...Join us.
:^)
You know a thing or two about icons.
>>51351626
Why not all three? We're gonna raise so much money anyway.
>>51349261
The double newline is a signature to your posts.
Should we spend some money on charity, to help our pr?
>>51361957
Nah dude. We got to have a play pen with legos. Man I love fucking Legos dude. Yeah you heard me. I am a grown man who loves playing with Legos. DUPLO is my favorite Lego brand though. We need to have our design philosophy based on DUPLO's concept.+
>>51361986
Absolutely. I heard those Syrians are having some problems over there. We should buy some netbooks and send them over there.
>>51348054
Robberbarons.
>>51361716
Guys I have an idea. How about interns PAY US to work here? It works for hospitals!
>>51362037
That's basically how pyramid schemes work.
We've been acquired by Facebook. Thanks for coming along with us on our amazing journey or the last 2 years. Now we're going to shut down our whole service and delete everything you ever uploaded. (By "delete" we actually mean "transfer to Facebook for data mining so we can help you engage with your favorite brands"!)
Ok guys. I was off doing some research back home and found this article
http://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2013/09/11/221052414/sexism-in-the-tech-industry-takes-center-stage
I think its time for our company to take the initiative to put an end to this sexism in our industry by setting an example. Anyone have any female friends we can hire?
>>51362059
Yes but think about the displacement this will have on the industry!
>>51349236
>>51362080
no technical knowledge preferred?
>>51362080
>Anyone have any female friends we can hire?
Fuck no. Women are terrible to work with
>>51362133
We need to have diversity in regards to technical ability, we need to hire people who can't code
Good golly you guys! I had recently met my buddy from art school and he said he can help make an advert for us. Just think of all those people on YouTube that will know about our start up and support us. What are some good ideas for our ad? I think we should do something abstract and meaning full with a bunch of symbolism with a touch of art house humor.
>>51362145
I'm afraid we'll have to let you go Simon.
We will use modified non-standard specially tailored to use agile methodology that is actually just regular agile.
We will do 3 stand-ups a day for all of our 10 employees and regular by-daily reports from every single one of our 10 team leaders.
>>51362272
What he said.
We can't have bigots like you on our team. It's 2015 for goodness sake. I mean come on. Get with the program man. Don't be such a bigot. We will make sure this stays on you record.
>x for the 21st century
>>51362315
I'll live Tweet his termination
We're going to need some dongles for the new female employees.
>>51362300
wait, are you implying we aren't using SCRUM?
time for a new IT guy!
Ok crew. I've spent $10,000 on luxury stress balls and a team of inspirational speakers. Tomorrow is a mandatory 8 hour brainstorm meeting in the Marriott, where the speakers will talk to you about synergizing your profits. You will be driven there on limo, by our company driver.
As a reward, all who attend the meeting will receive free iPads, and a signed picture of myself. I recommend you keep that when we all become rich and famous.
Also, does anyone in here know how to code?
>>51363155
Yes, I know how to code! [spoiler]In Dream Maker.[/spoiler]
>>51363225
>spoilers
>Dream Maker
go home, Tim, you're drunk
>>51363225
You're fired. We can't have old and outdated ways of thought cloud up our think tank. You have 10 minutes to pack.
Remember to pick up your free iPad on the way out.
>>51353178
Used dragon dildos
We call ourselves a startup and we call our software a prototype despite serving paying users for the past 5 years. (I seriously worked for a company like that)
>>51363346
what, it's broken? man what do you expect, it's a prototype!
Daily reminder that beards are mandatory for all employees.
>>51363471
That's sexist. Especially since 75% of our developers are women.
>>51363485
Going trans is hip now and if they really don't want to take hormones they can just draw a beard with make-up.
can i be the computer guy
