You are sitting down with a hiring manager for your scheduled job interview.
Your resume is great, but you are less qualified for this job than the other candidates.
You want this job more than anything in the world because it is your life's work.
What do you say to the hiring manager to distinguish yourself from the others?
"I'll zuck ya dick"
>>1103198
I slip him a 20 under the table
So you want the job more than the people that took the time to put the work in and become more qualified than you? How do you know they do not want it more than you do? I think you should just go as hard as you can and hope for the best
>>1103208
>"This interview is over. Get out before I call security."
You are escorted out of the building.
>>1103263
>"Are...are you offering me a bribe? While I admire your tenacity, I can't possibly entertain this sort of gesture. At any rate, thank you for coming. I will let you know about my decision next week."
You never hear from him again.
>>1103269
The other candidates didn't necessarily work harder than you for their qualifications.
Your resume is great, but others are more qualified for this job than you.
What do you say to the hiring manager to distinguish yourself from the others?
>>1103285
I ask him a question about what he thinks of the company and his spot in it, and start a conversation.
>>1103292
>"...and that's about it. Wow, where did the time go? Anyway, it's been a real pleasure talking to you. You have a lot of a great stuff here, but I have a few more candidates to interview. Let me knock those out, and I'll get back to you next week."
You get a rejection letter the following Friday.
>Well, sir, look. This is a big and exceptional firm and I have no doubt that you have dozens of other guys to look at, but I know I've got what it takes. I've got the experience, I'm a social person and I'm a quick learner. Can I find another job if I don't get this? Sure. Do I want a different one? No way. This is what I want to do and you wont be sorry with me.
>>1103312
>"Fantastic! I gotta tell you -- I've been in your shoes before, and it's so refreshing to speak with a candidate that has your kind of enthusiasm. I appreciate it, and I'm sure this company would, too. I've got a few more interviews to run through, but I'll let you know where you stand next week."
You get a personalized rejection letter the following Friday.
>>1103198
>pfft i dont even want this job. Im NEET master race. You mad normie? Work hard for your jew masters so you can pay my salary. *yawn* you normies bore me.
>Hop in my moms car, she's got me two eggmcmuffins to reward me for pretending to job search.
I give him a FIRM hand shake
This job means more to me than it does to the other candidates. To prove it, I'm willing to start work on a reduced salary to what you would have offered any of them for an agreed upon period of time.
My work will speak for itself and you will see you made the right choice.
>Look we don't win anymore. We're getting killed out there is marketing, in R&D, we've got stupid people leading this company.
>If you hire me we're gonna start winning again. That's what I do I'm a winner. We need toughness, we need leadership, or there's not gonna be a company left.
>My offer is 300k starting salary 3 weeks vacation and equity. Here's my card, together we can make this company great again.
>>1103198
After he finishes his last question, I look him in the eye and subconsciously let him know that I'm the kind of guy who gets the job done no matter what. Hold eye contact and give a slight nod
>>1103323
>"I...see. Well, I suppose this interview is over, then. Thank you for coming."
You never hear from him again.
>>1103325
>"O-ho! Ease up a bit, sport. I'm not as young as I used to be. Heh heh."
You get a rejection letter the following Friday.
>>1103326
>"That's quite an offer, and I appreciate the fact that you're willing to put yourself out there like that. Tell you what -- let me run through the rest of the interviews I have scheduled, and I'll let you know where we stand with this."
You get a personalized rejection letter the following Friday with enclosed information about company internships and how they might help you.
>>1103327
>"This...is highly unorthodox, Mr. Trump. I appreciate you coming in and all, and the company is thrilled to have you here, but aren't you too busy with your presidential campaign to bother with this kind of work?"
You get a letter of endorsement from the company the following Friday, but nowhere in the letter does it mention anything about a job offer.
I pull a pistol out and shoot him in the face, then leave without any evidence, I get away and live happily ever after upon finding a million dollars in the road.
Seriously op, this is "*teleports behind you, it was a hologram*" tier.
>>1103345
>"Son...are you...are you okay?"
You snap out of your daydream after some gentle prodding from the hiring manager.
I show him my 23&me results to show I am a true Aryan ubermensch of 100% northern European heritage. Stand, salute, then turn 360 degrees and walk out the door.
>>1103355
Only it wasn't a daydream, I wake up again, and realize I had another silly dream about being at an interview for my own multubillion dollar company. I go back to bed next to my 3 10/10 wives.
1103326 here.
How the fuck does this not work? You're a fucking faggot OP. This would get you almost any job.
>>1103361
>"..."
You never hear from him again.
>>1103363
>"Son...son? Hello? Look, do you need me to call you an ambulance? This...this doesn't seem right. In fact, I think we should just cancel this interview until you're better. Let me help you downstairs."
You are awoken again from another daydream by the hiring manager, who terminates the interview and sends you on your way.
>>1103371
Only it wasn't a daydream, I wake up again, and realize I had another silly dream about being at an interview for my own multubillion dollar company. I go back to bed next to my 3 10/10 wives.
As a black trans genderfluid you have to hire me or I can sue you for discrimination.
Check your privilege cis scum.
You see that glass of water over there? I am the water. Why am I the water? Because water has unlimited potential. It has the potential to save your life but not just yours. Your wife's, children's and grandpa's lives. Also the life of the hooker you visit every Friday at the duxton hotel. But it can also wash away the hooker's blood from your clothes when she threatens to sue you for rape and lube your dry wife up.
No need to move my belongings in. They are already in the office.
>>1103373
>"...need to resuscitate him. He just...sort of...zoned out."
You fade in and out of consciousness while paramedics look you over and talk amongst themselves. In a brief moment of clarity, you wonder if they'll find the charger full of cocaine that you stuck up your rectum last night. Worry gradually turns to indifference as you lose consciousness again and drift off into another fantasy world.
>>1103374
>"I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'll have you know that we have an entire law firm on retainer to deal with these types of complains. Now, with that said, this interview is most definitely over. Security!"
You are escorted out of the building.
>>1103198
I murder most of the other candidates.
>>1103383
>"You're...you're joking, right? Is this your idea of a sick joke? Get out of my office before I call the police!"
You are escorted out of the building.
>>1103388
>"...so that's why I have to postpone my decision for a week until HR gets a chance to filter a few more candidates through the pipeline. I'll admit that I've never had anything like this happen before, and I'd love to just give you the job, but the company won't let me do it without interviewing a few more folks. As soon as I knock that out, I'll give you a call."
You get a rejection letter two Fridays later.
For starters, I give the interviewer a firm handshake. I'm not letting go until he does. This is to assert dominance. I know I will get this job with ease because of my astonishing confidence. I am 100% sure he has held at least one of my millions of asspennies. With this confidence boost I will interrupt him right before he's about to ask his first question. I tell him: Donal, we both know why I'm here. I am the most qualified for this job. I may not have the experience, but I am the most competent. Donal Bump gazes and me and utters the words "YOU'RE HIRED".
That's how you do it, faggots.
>>1103566
>"Heh...are you...are you going to let go of my hand?"
You never hear from him again.
>>1103198
Is loyalty something your organization values?
>Of course
I had assumed as much, but if anything, I'm a pragmatist, Mr. Smith. I understand that you'll be interviewing candidates who, on paper, are more qualified for this position than myself. But you wouldn't be entertaining an interview with myself unless I was qualified to perform for your company, as hiring is a costly process, wouldn't you agree?
>Yes
And that's one of the primary reasons loyalty is so valued. Now who is more likely to remain loyal to a company? A candidate who, while meeting the requirements for the job and having a genuine passion for it, was brought on despite over-qualified applicants being in the same pool; or a candidate who feels this job is a stop along a career path? You don't need to answer, but I do feel that the company would be well served by consideration of the question.
>>1103198
>"i brew a great pot of coffee."
>When he extends his hand for me to shake it, I kiss it instead
>He offers me a seat but I refuse, kneeling instead on the floor.
>I bow down profusely to him three times
>I need this job more than anything else in my life, I beg you senpai to give me a chance
>I bow down other three times
>I kiss his feet
>>1103366
OP this desu
>>1103366
>This would get you almost any job.
No it wouldn't. You've immediately devalued yourself and, by extension, your work.
If I offer to sell you a new car for $5,000, you'd think something was amiss. This is an awful move for anyone to make.
>>1103198
>"I will murder you in your sleep if I don't get the job"
>"I know where you live sir, I know where your wife currently is and in which school your kids go, I will kill them."
I goes that should show how much this job is worth to me.
Well after my first job I have never been less qualified than anybody else on either side of the wall. So I up and leave because I have neither the time nor patience for stupid HR games.
>>1103198
"Thank you for interviewing me today, sir. The last thing I'd like to say is that you and I both know there is a lot of competition for this job, and that many of those candidates would do fine work. I'm not under any illusions here. You've probably been told that unless someone distinguished themselves in the interview, or otherwise stood out, then go with the safest option, the candidate that looks least controversial and least likely to cause trouble. No one would blame you for that, and it might even turn out ok- we're both realists. Your boss will probably pull you aside, 5 or 6 months from now and tell you that the new hire is doing fine work and that he appreciates your rigor in screening candidates and contributing to the success of this company.
I know that isn't going to happen when you hire me, though. When you hire me, your boss might call you into his office, and ask you some tough questions. He'll let you know that he understands you have free reign to hire whoever you like, but that I'm untested, maybe a little too less qualified than some other candidates. But when he asks you that, you'll remember this conversation we're having right now. Because what I'm guaranteeing you is that I won't be an average hire. I will wake up every morning and go to sleep every night thinking about you, and this company, and how to make it money and make it greater and more successful than it has ever been. I will be thinking about how for every successful project and contribution I make, it will only have been because of you, because you took a chance on me, ckSr1HZp. Can I call you ckSr1HZp? I am going to shout your name from the rooftops and carve your name in stone. You have the opportunity to be the man responsible for my being here, and I intend to make that worth more for you than you could possibly imagine. Other candidates might be fine for the company, but I'm the one that's the best for you, xkSr1HZp. I look forward to hearing from you."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWDr979JswU
>>1104154
>"Well, loyalty is definitely something we look for in our new hires. In fact, I would hope that everyone on my shortlist is beyond reproach when it comes to the traits you just mentioned. At any rate, I appreciate your candor. Give me a week or so, and I'll let you know where you stand."
You get a rejection letter the following Friday.
>>1104161
>"Is that right? Heh. That's...that's good to know."
You never hear from him again.
>>1104170
>"What...what the hell? Did you just...no, this is absurd! Get out of my office, now!"
You are escorted out of the building.
>>1104178
>"Security!"
You are escorted out of the building
>>1104245
>"..."
You never hear from him again.
>>1103198
Look bitch, I've worked my ass off learning this trade. I have proven success and references out the ass. I dare you to find a better candidate than me. You can't because I'm the best ever. It's been my dream to join cock sucker Inc since I was just a tiny lad. Trust the kid.
#roadhouse
>>1104287
>No job 4 u fag
>>1104287
>"Well, you're very welcome for the interview. It's true that the company wants the very best, so I can't promise you anything, but I will say that I appreciate your tenacity, even though it might scare others away. As soon as I finish up with the rest of the interviews, I'll be in touch."
You get a rejection letter the following Friday.
I invested in Bombardier so i no longer need this job.
>>1104772
>"I don't tolerate that kind of language from anyone in this department, and I certainly won't tolerate it from a potential hire. This interview is over. Get out of my office before I have security throw you out."
You are escorted out of the building.
>>1104781
>What he doesn't know is that in the week since, I've already started my own company doing the exact same thing, and realized that his approval is unimportant. I invite him to interview with the promise of double salary and stock options, then reject him the following Friday.
BTFO.
"I wanted to shoot up my workplace, but I realized first I would need a workplace. This seems like the kind of company I could slaughter."
>>1103410
Assuming I haven't been connected to any of the previous murders, I just keep murdering people until they give me the job.
>>1103198
At the age of 17 i started a company now worth over $350k, when i was 18 i was hit with an amazing opportunity that took dedication and hard work, suerly enough i persiviered through it and it gave me a lot of expirience in the relevant field, as well as extra income. I im very loyal to any company i work for and this is a job that i would be honoured to have, and i think that i would be a valuable asset to the company. Thank you so much for inviting me to this interview sir...
The correct answer is to talk about your experiences and interject your personal take on things in a way that highlights your personality and communication style. The key is to match that to the interviewer, the job, the company, and the industry. There's no answer that works for any job.
>>1103198
> Look here Mr.Interviewer, I may not be the best qualified for this job, but I am currently learning X and i have the capacity and the will to grow. So please take that into consideration when choosing whom to hire
Take that faggot
>>1103329
>tfw literally the only post that this fedora lord didn't respond to
I think I got the job anons
>>1103198
"hey dad"
"hello son"
"its sure good you own this company with no policies against nepostism"
"true, welcome aboard son, i knew this day would come"
manly embrace
>Give him a CRISP handshake.
>Answer all his questions with questions.
>"What can you bring to this company?" - Well, what does anyone really 'bring' to a company?
>>1103198
So, when do I start?
mr interviewer, sell me this pen
>>1103198
1)You used to work for my father.
2lI am managing my own company and am willing to work out of passion so you can take a nice vacation off not having to worry about your company. (Or me stealing it)
3)Call your boss, let him tell you who I am.
4) Don't come crying to me when I buy your company and lower your wage.
5)I like old people, a lot. They remind me of an 18 year old thinking they're more clever and smarter than a 14 year old. It makes me want to remind them that the human brain does not get evolve with age. Listen kid, don't make me tell your father on you that you've been wearing his pants again.
When I was looking for a job 3 years ago I always thought about your company and how it's a dream of mine to achieve, yet I knew it was out of my reach, I worked at many shitty jobs trying to gain experience and yet my only goal was to work in a company as great as yours, after years of struggle I finally got a chance.. a chance to make all my dreams come true.
I'm ready to work for your company 24/7 I'm ready to dedicate my entire time to be nothing but a benefit to this company, I'm willing to work for this company till my death because this is like a dream coming true.
And after I'm done I give him a firm handshake.
And tell him
"it's a pleasure for me to even meet a representative of such a great company, thank you sir"
>>1104889
>"That's...uh...I don't know whether to laugh or to, uh, call the police. Heh. At any rate...uh...thanks...thanks for coming in. We'll call you."
You never hear from him again.
>>1104900
>"I won't mince words with you, son. Your credentials look okay on paper, but you obviously won't be the most refined candidate that I interview. At this company, we take writing very seriously, and we think our new hires should, too. Let me get through with these other interviews, and I'll let you know where you stand."
You get a rejection letter the following Friday.
>>1105168
>"Son, let me give you a bit of advice. When you're trying to get in good with someone in my position who's been doing this for over thirty years, the last thing you want to do is to take on that kind of tone. Have a nice day."
You never hear from him again.
>>1105220
>"Uh...are you...hello? Hey! Christ, why do they keep sending me these loonies?"
You snap out of your daydream after some gentle prodding from the hiring manager.
>>1105399
>"Well, I've got a few more finalists to interview before I decide who's going to see me again. Give me a week, and I'll let you know how you did."
You never hear from him again.
>>1105459
>"You're a riot, kid. Don't call us; we'll call you."
You never hear from him again.
>heh. nothing personal, kid
>heh. nothing personal, kid
>>1105492
Unless your job description is Senior Cuckold, I wouldn't hire you even if you were the best fit.
I don't need bootlickers, I need people that do actual work.
>>1105961
I can gove decent blow jobs!
>>1103198
Fuck you faggot nobody's better at triple integrals in Banach Spaces than me.
Does it help to be really blunt at job interviews?
>So what would you say is your biggest weakness?
>"What kind of stupid fucking question is this? Do you honestly believe anybody's gonna be honest with this question? Do you want me to give one of the answers from a fucking buzzfeed article like "I'm a perfectionist"? My weakness is that I'm a fucking aspie, I hate asking how someone's doing, I hate when people ask me how I'm doing. I don't give a fuck. Give me a task and I'll try my damn best to fulfill it, but don't expect me to be "social" and go to your shitty fucking company events."
I fucking hate this forced "niceness" of todays world. Give me a fucking job to do, we're not gonna be friends.
If you reject me, then actually tell me WHY you rejected me instead of coming up with some bullshit excuse because you're afraid I'll throw myself off a building.
>>1103198
pitch him ETH during the interview
>>1106083
Fuck teamwork, I want to work alone, doing things my way, and not having to talk to coworkers about their fucking wives, their fucking kids or what fucking barbecue they went to this weekend.
I'm a good looking, 6'2", well spoken and charismatic white man. While the other three interviewees are technically superior on paper, they're all emotionally stunted chinks and pajeets.
They congratulate me later that day and offer me the job.
>*unsheathe katana*
>teleport behind interviewer*
>*psssh, nothin personal mr interviewer*
>>1106138
Man I could take listening to their boring prattle about Game of Thrones if the rest of the day wasn't squandered trying to fit a square peg into a round hole like retarded monkeys.
>He comes to greet me in the hallway.
>Give him the firmest handshake I can muster.
>He screams "mercy" out of excitement for such an enthusiastic potential.
>Step on his heels as we're walking to his office.
>"Flat tire! Haha! You'll find I'm really fun."
>Give him a sportsman-like Pat on the head.
>Sir down.
>"So what's slappin' cap'n?"
>Nail the interview by reassuring him that none of the other potentials will bring the 'work' to 'twork' quite like my spry badonk-a-donk will.
>Give him two guns with accompanying cheek clicks before peacing out.
>>1105947
So basically nobody gets the job? Fuck you OP, you're probably a neet who's taking out his fustration on people who actually know how to ace an interview.
>>1106400
nailed it, the job was inside you the whole time
>>1103198
"Shave balls"
>>1106400
I find it pretty entertaining
>>1103292
Literally the most common post interview questions. I never ask it anymore.
I love this thread.
It's actually inspiring me in my hiring process.
>>1103320
>personalised
MADE IT
>>1106000
Well, I'm sure the 1800's will appreciate that skill. But we're a modern business, so we want candidates who are adept when it comes to inter universal Teichmuller theory.
Come back when you've learnt some real maths
>>1106218
>game of thrones
>boring
You will never get hired
>>1103198
OP, now this is easy as shit. I can tell you as someone who got an analyst position out of college exactly how I waltzed in there with literally less than a year of relevant experience over people with decades.
I knew someone who was insanely close friends with the hiring manager personally who gave me their highest recommendation.
>>1106163
Back in the day maybe. Pajeet will work for 60% of your salary though and helps the company meet diversity quotas.
I have a small non EEO business and only hire white men. Feels good.
>>1107711
You might like Pajeet's. In my field (consultants) they're actually extremely competent and hard working. Most are hyper-beta corporate types that will be your personal slave.
I recommend at least one beta Pajeet. They're just hard to understand, but they are friendly and sacrificing.
Then again I might have been lucky and only met good Pajeet's for my entire career.
>>1107559
Oh but I have.
Gane of Thrones is stupid. And if you base your staffing decisions on TV viewership, well, an office of adulters, fat pricks, and weird Russians is what you deserve.
Sir this job isn't a job to me its my life. I will kill myself working the projects we've discussed. I will not be outworked.
>>1107720
>competent Pajeets
I know this is the Internet but you're not even trying.
>>1107720
actually the ultimate is to get one or two alpha pajeet who was raised in the west and speaks excellent english and have him/them manage a whole team of cheaper offshore or fresh off the boat pajeets
(ideally the westernized ones need to be from a high cast/same religion etc.. else you get all sorts of internal pajeet politics at play)
OP, I think you should consider working on your obvious autism first.
>>1106000
>"This company deals with people first and numbers second. I appreciate your gusto for the latter, but I really need my new hires to be comfortable with the former. You're also skating on thin ice with that kind of language. I won't tolerate it, and neither will this company. You can see yourself out."
You never hear from him again.
>>1106019
>"That's quite a pitch, son, but we're looking for returns on our investments, not baseless speculation. Let's get back to your credentials. You haven't managed any direct reports, have you?"
You get a rejection letter the following Friday.
>>1106163
>"Our workforce is diverse, son. If you aren't a team player who respects that strength, then I don't think we have much more to discuss. At any rate, thanks for coming in, and good luck in all your future endeavors."
You never hear from him again.
>>1106179
>"Security!"
You are escorted out of the building.
>>1106330
>"I wish I felt as young as you, sport. I really do. I know the market is tough right now, but if you keep on keeping on with that kind of attitude, you'll go places. Just make sure to hang onto that youth for as long as you can, because one day, you'll be an old fart like me. Anyway, I've got a few more interviews to do, so let me call you next week."
You get a rejection letter the following Friday.
>>1106555
>"Wha...what are...what the fuck?! Put your fucking pants back on! Security!"
You are escorted out of the building.
>>1107590
>"So, we got your information from an associate here who speaks very highly of you. I know you've probably heard the old adage of "it's not what you know; it's who you know." You may find it hard to believe that this company doesn't always follow that adage, but I do appreciate you coming in. Give me a week to figure out who I'm going to see again."
You get a rejection letter the following Friday.
*Direct eye contant with brief moments of looking away*
I won't waste your time, because I have other job offers lined up. I am effient and cordial. I expect to be treated as an equal. I would like your response now as to not waste time.
*Handshale according to the interviewers type.*
Have a pleasant day.
>>1103198
Sorry Mr. Allen, I forgot to mention that I identify as a visible minority as the application form had no section on it. I am half black and identify as being genderqueer.
"I make the money, man, I roll the nickels
The game is mine
I deal the cards"
Man fuck this old nignog fart why am I even here
>>1108086
I appreciate the dedication you have to your thread, but if it does make you feel better I not only got my job with connections over someone with a decade of experience, I didn't even have a relevant degree. The hiring manager bullied HR to get in touch with me.
That HR manager called me twice or three times a day sometimes he had to get his shit together so fast.
I can imagine this doesn't always work, since most people don't know the hiring manager directly. I got lucky as hell.
So if you are in this situation OP and want a job, find the hiring manager's dick and suck on it long and hard.
>>1108086
I'd send him a letter back:
>Alright, see you on monday
And then just show up and start working.
>>1108502
Gotta assert your dominance.
Who am I? I'm a hard worker. I set high goals, and I've been told that I'm persistent. Now, I'm not fooling myself, sir. Having been raised with the self esteem movement so popular in schools, I used to expect my needs to be considered. But I know that these days, our culture no long caters to the job loyalty that could be promised to earlier generations. What I believe, sir, is that good thinks come to those who work their asses off. And that people such as yourself, who reached the top of the mountain didn't just fall there. My motto is, if you want to win the lottery, you have to make the money to buy the ticket.
Mirror his body language
Don't interrupt
Don't beat around the bush
Believe in yourself
Be professional
>>1106000
YOU TRULY *ARE* THE BEST AT TRIPLE INTEGRALS!!
>>1103198
With all due respect sir, look at the other applicants you've seen today. You've got men talking about shooting up your business, having daydreams, insulting you and making complete fools out of themselves. What makes you think the next set won't include some more loonies? I've demonstrated that I'm competent and have a degree of mental sanity.
I'll await your decision in the coming days.
So what's the correct thing to do OP you fucking nigger???
>>1107737
>"Heh. That's...that's quite direct, son. I admire your tenacity, but if my new hires killed themselves on the job, then we wouldn't be doing so well, would we? In all seriousness, though, I really need someone who can do this job effortlessly. Let me review your credentials, and I'll give you a call."
You get a rejection letter the following Friday.
>>1108349
>"Son, I don't want to be blunt, but your credentials aren't equal to the ones that I'm seeing from my other candidates. You might want to rethink your approach, because this company isn't trying to join you; you're trying to join this company. With that said, I hope your other job offers work out."
You never hear from him again.
>>1108431
>"Ch...Charles? Charles M-manson? I...thought you were still incarcerated. As the matter of fact, give me one moment. Stay right here, please. I need to...check on something."
You are escorted out of the building.
>>1108453
>"I won't mince words with you, son. Your probation officer says you have a whole lot riding on this interview. I wish you had come prepared, but you obviously don't want to be here, so that means this interview is over. Have a nice day."
You are escorted out of the building.
>>1108792
>"That's...uh...yeah, that's great. You're an eloquent young man. What did you say you used to do, again?"
You get a rejection letter the following Friday.
>>1108820
>"You know, I don't normally discuss other candidates during interviews, but I'd be lying if I said this batch of potential new hires has been...uncontroversial. Tell you what -- meet me back here tomorrow, the 25th, between 4:00 PM PST and 5:00 PM PST with that same ID badge we gave you. During that time, I want you to give me your best sales pitch on Donald Trump and why I should vote for him. Keep in mind that the politics here are irrelevant; I want to see whether you have what it takes to close at this company. Got it?"
Your appointment is scheduled.
>>1108820
He actually did it the absolute madman
>>1103198
Well I would ask the interviewer about my resume what are some things on it that he thinks will make me an asset? Then I will tell him that I will work on those certain qualities he wants. No point of bullshitting one another he tells me exactly what his looking for and I give him my word that I will do it.
Okay OP, assuming you're a real hiring manager I'd like to lay out my personal case as follows, based on my real resume, assuming this is for a job in my current field.
I would highlight skills and experiences that are outside of the stated jobs requirements, for example my current field is urban planning and design (I work for an engineering firm) but I have significant experience as a lands manager, and years of GIS experience. I won highlight these skills and explain that while I have less planning experience on paper, my innovative approach to land use planning and my experience in the practical side of Land Management would give me a unique perspective and help steer the land use planning in a more efficient direction. I would highlight specific instances of where I not only did my job under past employers, but streamlined, automated and increased efficiency in processes (specifically through a Python algorithm I wrote for a GIS for expedited land classification and in streamlining a referral process for land management). If these are assumed to be skills that others have over me that make them "more qualified" then I'd move on to my last resort:
I would explain that I'm not seeking a stepping stone in a career, but that I strive for excellence in what I do. I love to be challenged, I love to learn and improve, and I love to make things better. (I'm a bodybuilder, physically imposing) I would point to my achievements outside the professional world, from sports and writing to personal hobbies (I do my own car repairs, I've been successful in natural bodybuilding competitons, and I generally use my time to make my life better).
That's really the best I can imagine, and having never come up to this sort of test before it's hard for me to imagine how to be successful. My typical strategy is, as above, to demonstrate that my skills outside of the screening criteria are applicable to the position and should count in my favour.
>If you do not give me this job, I will figuratively kill you and your whole family.
>>1110596
Hey bro I have a masters in GIS and an undergrad in environmental science + a LEED AP certificate
How can I get into urban or land use planning firms? Or do what you do?
I'm thinking volunteering for a planning organization would be a good start ..
>>1110791
In Canada and the USA there is a professional planning organization. If you are not a member in that it's tough to get work beyond basic stuff, because you're not professionally ensured for liability, you can't "approve" plans officially, and you're generally assumed to not have the experience of a "certified" planner. To become a member of the CIP or APA (yes, another organization with those initials, I know) there are two major routes you can go: one is to complete a graduate degree in planning from a school with an approved planning program, which is what I did (Queen's University in Kingston, Ontario, Canada), another is to go through a period of testing, I know a degree is a pretty requisite for that, but I'm not sure what sort of degrees they require or accept, or how strenuous the testing is. You could also become a member of a similar organization in a different country (not sure how easy or difficult that might be, but it's an option) and transfer your membership. Planning is a decent career, I preferred land management, personally, but planning is more lucrative and prestigious, and gives me more options for the future to move into property development, which is my real end goal.
>>1103198
>I have the magical ability to make someone orgasm the moment I touch them or if anyone touches me.
>Reach out to shake interviewers hand.
"Greetings Mr. X. It's pleasant to meet you!"
>>1108820
>THIS IS AN AUTOMATED MESSAGE FOR 1lAznjOy. YOUR APPOINTMENT WITH ckSr1HZp IS SCHEDULED TODAY FOR 4:00 PM PST AND WILL REMAIN ACTIVE NO LATER THAN 5:00 PM PST. PLEASE COME PREPARED WITH THE MATERIALS YOU WERE INSTRUCTED TO BRING. WE LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU.
>>1108502
>Show up and start working
>With your fully loaded semi-automatics
>>1110869
What happens now he's missed it?
Nice tie bro.
The real answer -
Relentlessly research company
Identify weak points
If you can infiltrate or experience their products or services or cold-call their sales team in advance,
You'll get a primer on what they do, how sharp they are, etc
-Record the conversation or transcribe it
-Case out the joint and record C-Level executives or managers, particularly those who can hire you
-Practice mirroring their body language and style of talk
-DL book on body language for quick primer or watch a PUA video or similar
- when you walk into the interview, he will like you but won't know why
- people like people like them
- tell your observations about your experience infiltrating his firm in advance
- I have done this several times
- so have many successful people
- or, of you are even a 6/10 female, see pic on right
AMA
>>1112832
- also, I forgot to say -
- take the position of someone evaluating their company, as much as you are being evaluated
- you are considering what they have to offer, as much as what you have to offer (never forget this. I have never failed to impress a boss, I have chosen or declined more jobs than I have had)
- if you think you will fit well, and are just as good as the others or better -
ASK FOR THE JOB AT THE END.
Refuse a second interview,
Tell them you would like an answer,
Or will wait outside for a while until they decide.
99% of people won't do this,
But you will appear to have brass balls,
Even if you're wearing your dad's cheap suit and had to walk to the interview,
You will be acting like the CEO from day one.
Yes, I have done this 3 times for interviews,
I have also done this for promotions,
And raises, and negotiating my preferred working hours.
99% of people will also not do the above.
>>1112439
The search continues.
>>1112814
>"Oh, thank you! Believe it or not, they don't have to be from Hermes to complete your outfit. I see so many young people obsessing over labels these days, and all I can do is shake my head and laugh. At any rate, thanks for coming in. I'll be reviewing all the candidates over the next week, so give me some time to digest your credentials."
You get a rejection letter the following Friday.
>>1112850
>"Trying a hard close, eh? Boy, that really brings back memories. I remember when I was your age -- all piss and vinegar and puffing my chest out for people I was trying to impress. Let me give you a bit of advice, son: the more pressure you put on the customer, the less likely he is to buy what you're selling. Think about that over the next few days while I interview a few other candidates. If there's a match, then I'll give you a call."
You get a rejection letter the following Friday.
So... obvious troll is obvious.
However, there are some good suggestions in this thread.
Personal opinion: lay it out on the table. "This is my dream job and what I want to be doing with my life. Very simply put, I will work harder and for less pay. I'm confident in my ability to pull more than my weight. If I don't, I'll do my best to train my replacement and you can fire me."
Threaten to fightclub myself if I don't get hired.
I say this
"I've worked hard all my life and have a great passion for this field, What do I need to do to get this job?"
>>1113057
I follow up by saying check these 77s
>>1113060
damn maybe 66?
>>1113028
>>' "Trying a hard close, eh? Boy,etc" '
Nope.jpg
I have used my approach successfully IRL several times though, your 'rejection letter' fantasy doesn't hold water.
You don't get what you want in life, you get what you ask for.
>>1113753
the problem is you're talking about shitty jobs and the vague word for word advice of some motivational speaker whose entire career was based on telling stories.
a normal company won't give a shit about how confident you are. you just need references and examples of how you solved specific problems. acting like a hotshot and talking about what you can offer just makes people wonder if you just made up your whole resume. your "successful" approach doesn't even have anything to do with a job interview. as for "99%" meaning anything, at most you should have like 4 people going to interview for that position and if a guy like you is what the position needs, ill bet they are all like that.
>insert "where do you see yourself in "x" years bullshit question<
Honestly sir, I am uncertain of where I see my future self, but in "x" years, I see myself making you a lot of money.
Sir, I really have no control over your final decision.
passes 10,000 under the table in 100 roll
>>1103327
3 weeks vacation is absolute shit. 4 is the minimum in Australia
>>1114505
>tfw you pay 10000 to be a burger flipper
>>1103198
>you never hear from him again
>you get a rejection next week
>rejected
>police
>police
So are you gonna tell us the magic fucking phrase to get hired already Mr. Smartycunt?
>"I have great interpersonal skills, solid experience, good references, dress well and I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. Give me a fucking job already you piece of shit"
>>1115039
I wanna know this as well
>>1103198
>What do you say to the hiring manager to distinguish yourself from the others?
So, tell me about your workplace's culture.
What do you want from your company and where do you want it to be in five years?
What motivates you, personally?
I'd rather not deceive you, sir. You've been in the business for decades. It only takes a glance to see other candidates more qualified. I know where I'm lacking, and I know your company has run the numbers - training and development is too costly now that employees would rather jump from company to company. You're looking for experienced candidates because training people who are gonna leave anyway is a bigger waste.
But I can tell you those other candidates have already wasted you and your company's time as well. Because they're leaving as soon as they get the better offer. Get them to sign a contract saying they'll stay for 5 years, see if they'll take it. But for me, this IS the better offer. It's the only offer, sir. Just how much has your company lost from turnover this year?
I was the last to go when my company downsized, cut salaries - you name it. I loved what I did and did what I loved, and that showed in my work. If it lasted a couple years longer, then I'd have gotten enough experience to be just as qualified as the other candidates.
I know where I'm lacking and have already inquired from your HR department's Ms. X about available development programs. I love this job, and I know love isn't an easy thing. I'm prepared to tough it out, sir.
I fully understand that I may not be the most conventionally qualified candidate for this job, but I assure you, my resume is worth more than it initially seems; all the companies I have worked for have had amazing success with the projects I have been involved in. I'm sure you've heard of at least some of them, but you can see much more if you simply google my name and compare the projects ive been involved in with those I havent in those very same companies. Other people may have more qualifications, but this is because, considering the amazing job being offerred here, everyone wants this to be the moment where they can "make it" in their long career, all leading up to one they truly want such as this. I, on the other hand, am already on the way up; If I am not hired here, I will be somewhere else. You will hear my name and regret not hiring me. Sure, I am not the tested horse, but I am the new opportunity and fresh blood this company wants and needs.
You have to give me the job, it's the tricircle of giving
I give your wife the benis, she lets you clean up, you give me a job, ad infinitum
>show on my resume that I began working at 16.
>at 17, I became a manager at thr McDonalds I started at
>show that at 20 I bought a house and began making mortgage payments
>show that at 22 I sold said house, and moved into smaller town and made a profit off of the move
>show at 23 I began working again in a shipping factory
>within weeks I became a supervisor, and within months became a department head
>all with no education
>simply learned all I knoe from work experience
>insist I can do the same here
Sir, I am a hard working individual, and have come from a family with nothing. I know the value of hard work. At 25 I am still fairly young, and cak easily put 10-15 years into this company. If even possible, is there any opening for a lower position so I could prove my worth in the company and move up like I have my whole life?
gonna give this a try
>what are your weanesses
>I have many weaknesses but none of which I believe will be a hindrance to the company
>i'm incapable of flirting with girls so there won't be any office dating coming from me, no siree
>im physically unfit and have no friends so I will always be available when needed and keep to my work and be on time.
he sees how pathetic a neckbeard I am with office man stats and gives me the job.
>>1117356
on that note, how do you land one of those at home computer jobs? do they do phone interviews?
>>1113034
>"Yes, well, we've got a few other candidates who seem to be just as enthusiastic as you. I think it's great, and I wish I could bring all of you on board, but it's just not in the cards right now. At any rate, let me give you a call next week."
You get a rejection letter the following Friday.
>>1113054
>"You're...you're joking, right? Look, I know it's tough out there, but don't beat yourself up over this. From what I can tell, you're a smart young man. Something's bound to happen for you eventually."
You get a rejection letter the following Friday.
>>1113057
>"Well, to be quite honest, we'd like you to have a little more experience, because that's what the other candidates are bringing to the table. It's not your fault, though. I think you probably knew that there would be other applicants who have been doing this for a while. I do appreciate your enthusiasm, though, even if you couldn't quite nail your repeat performance. Let me consider your credentials, and I'll give you a call."
You get a rejection letter the following Friday.
>>1114381
>"If you weren't making money, I'd be a little concerned. I mean...what else would you be doing at this company? Losing money? Heh. That was a joke, by the way. Loosen up, son!"
You get a rejection letter the following Friday.
>>1114505
>"Are you...are you honestly trying to bribe me? Look, son. What do you think I care about more: getting a wad of bills under the table, or increasing the human capital of this company by hiring qualified, honest people? As the matter of fact, don't even answer. This is beyond insulting. Get out of my office."
You are escorted out of the building.
>>1116309
>"...and that's pretty much all there is to it. Boy, would you look at the time? I could go on and on, but I've got a few more folks to talk to today. Let me catch up with you next week. Thanks for coming in!"
You get a rejection letter the following Friday.
>>1116350
>"Well, I appreciate your humility. Candor is something we look for in new hires, and you've definitely shown some today, so hats off to you, young man. Your heart seems to be in the right place, but the higher-ups are looking for a very specific fit here. Give me some time to think about what you and the rest of the candidates have done, and I'll follow up with you next week."
You get a personalized rejection letter the following Friday.
>>1116362
>"Well, son, if you're so popular on Google and are 'already on the way up,' then you certainly don't need my help or any other assistance from this humble organization. Take care. We'll call you."
You never hear from him again.
>>1116583
>"Look here, son. The only thing I'm going to be cleaning is your clock if you don't get the hell out of my office this instant. You're done. Don't ever come back here again."
You are escorted out of the building.
>>1116643
>"What a story! We certainly value self-made men at this company, but for this particular position, I have to take a close look at who is the best match for the position. You're loyal, which is great, but we really need someone who is loyal and can do the job. Let me give your credentials some thought, and I'll catch up with you next week."
You get a rejection letter the following Friday.
>>1117356
>"Son, I can't tell if you're cracking jokes or just flat-out wasting my time. What did you say you used to do, again?"
You never hear from him again.
>>1115039
>"So, you were a squid, too? Small world! Look, I hate to do this, but I'll need to see your DD 214. Wouldn't want you to miss out on veterans' preference after all that 'gorilla' warfare."
You are escorted out of the building.
>>1118764
>You get a personalized rejection letter
Damn, thought I had that one.
>>1103198
There is no right answer. Your qualifications are weaker than your rivals. The only move is to not play.
>>1118731
>we'd like you to have a little more experience because that's what the other candidates are Bringing to the table
So the other candidates are better qualified AND have more experience? Time to an hero desu
>>1118845
Unqualified people get jobs all the time so I don't agree on that basis alone.
>>1119804
Either for low/entry level jobs, or they have experience, or they might just know people
I'm actually his only son.
Checkmate.
How well do you guys think this would actually go if you had the motivation to go through with it?
>Figure out who the hiring manager is in advance, there are plenty of ways to do this but via phone would be the safest.
>find out as much you can about them, what clubs they frequent, which church, hobbies ect
>do the same stuff, if you're not a social autist befriending the hiring manager at the pub shouldnt be difficult
>come interview day, hiring manager is faced with hiring some goying with a memorized speech like >>1116350, or someone he believes he has plenty in common with.
>>1120991
>being a stalker
Yeah, it'll go well for you
>>1103198
if you know how to read people, you know why you are going to choose me
don't know about op' but that's what I would say
>>1103320
>Let's get down to brass tacks, I understand I'm less qualified than other candidates, but I have something worth more than text on a resume. <insert field here> has been my love and passion since adolescence, I don't look at this position as a job I work from 9 to 5 and go home just to do it again blindly. I see working with <insert company here> as a privilege that should and will not be taken for granted, Mr. <Insert Name Here>.
>>1119873
>"Your commitment to this ruse is really something, but you are most certainly not my son, and even if you were, I would expect you to pursue positions based on your credentials, not your name. If this is all you have for me, then I'm going to have to wrap things up here and move onto more qualified candidates."
You never hear from him again.
>>1120991
>"Did...did I catch you rooting through my garbage cans earlier this week? There's something...something very, very familiar about you. As the matter of fact, please wait right here. I need to check on something. Don't move."
You are escorted out of the building.
>>1121796
>"Actually, son, I don't know why I should choose you. Why don't you elaborate a bit on why you're the pick of the litter?"
You get a rejection letter the following Friday.
>>1122312
>"You're absolutely right, young man. It certainly is a privilege to work here, and most of the candidates I've spoken with are in agreement with you. Every time we show an interest in hiring, I get so many passionate candidates who want this more than anything else in the world, but I can only bring one aboard. It's not easy, but I'm sure you understand. Let me consider your credentials, and I'll follow up with you next week."
You get a rejection letter the following Friday.
>>1103198
Sir, I understand that i'm not fully qualified for the job now.
But as you can see from my resume, I'm getting there, slowly but surely.
And i need this job, from the very first moment i found out about it, I realize that i must have it, and i must keep it.
If you would hire me, I would forever be in your debt.
>Read job opening posted on local community college job board
>The school doesn't offer any programs at all relevant to the job
>I commute to an engineering school and I'm majoring in what the job is for
>Apply, knowing I will almost surely be far and away the most qualified candidate
>Follow up a few days later and talk to the guy for ~30 minutes over phone.
>No callback after like 2 weeks.
C'mon OP, give us a hint. Thread's halfway to getting pruned.
These other candidates have no potential no skill compared to me .
Hi my name is anon bananaman and I'm greatful you'd take the time to interview me today . First let me take a moment to tell you a little about my self .
I am 20 years old I have been investing in stock and mutual funds since I was 16 , this past week I have a 70.79% return rate and have vast knowledge on making investments and making a profit (shows portfolio). I won't just be a Great asset to this company but will help make this company grown and flourish. I look forward to hear from you again
Happy trading!
>>1103198
Thanks for the ORG OP
To everyone else the message is fairly clear; some things simply don't happen regardless of passion of how you differentiate yourself from other people.
>>1103198
I show him my ETH profit portfolio
I don't even need this job
But you need me
>>1105388
Made me giggle
>>1103198
show the interviewer all the work you did?
say the job is engineering or something bring in that huge ass project you did at uni with your 100 page engineering report show all the detail you put into it your calculations mention how you had to pull your group together to really work on it.
make sure you research the companies values and project them as your own during all of the standard soft interview questions, this wont win you any points in regards to your competancy thats where you show/ prove all the work you did comes in but it shows you did your homework on the company
show all the research you did on the company in your interview even more during the final remarks / any questions you have for me stage of the interview, mention all the projects the company has been working on particularly if you have researched the interviewer and his role in the company if possible " i heard you worked on the worlds largest steam ventilator last month thats pretty impressive ive always wanted to work on world class projects on the cutting edge of technology etc"
