>>689852763
>because he does have good weed
What a champ

>>689852763
Probably shouldent hang around druggies you fucking nerd.

>>689853091
>Weed
>Druggies

>>689852763
>because he does have good weed
What a champ.

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This is something that happened to me a little over two years ago.

>hear about anal play for guys one day on 4chan
>interested in it
>venture throughout house in an epic quest to find a makeshift dildo
>I can’t find anything
>recede back into my computer den, utterly crushed at my non-findings
FLASH-FORWARD TO THE FUTURE A WEEK
>parents are absent in town
>sister and other relatives visit a concert
>I’m left all by myself
>decide I need to find a dildo
>horny levels rising
>explore the entire bungalow in attempt to find the chosen cavern spelunker
>so close but no cigar
>about to give up
>sudden memory flashes in my head
>my father has a collection of thought-to-be-inactive old-timey guns in his closet he bought from an auction not too long ago
>enter his bedroom
>tear open closet
>I’m greeted by a wet dream of any typical /k/iller
>muskets and rifles galore
>me being a morally shitheaded young 16-year-old prick, I decide to grab a hand-musket, with absolutely no forethought in my mind
BOY WAS I A FUCKING IDIOT
>lube up the muzzel and my flesh pit
>thank buddha for this soon-to-go-awry-blessing
>I ram it up my asshole with the pride of an anally obsessed teen
>continue this firearm-fueled butt journey for a few minutes until I feel a breaking point
>BOOOOOM
…
>next thing I know I’m resting in a hospital cot
>little did I know, my father had used this gun the week prior with some steel residue and leftover gunpowder lingering in it
>ruh roh
>there was steel shrapnel penetrating my entire lower half
>almost two weeks of countless checkups with my parents (who received word of my anal endeavours from a medical professional and visited without a moment to spare)
>that ended my desire for butt exploration

TL;DR: I shot myself in the anus because I was horny

>>689852763
I'm more suprised you have/had a band director that let you guys do nothing. Unless they knew about the drug dog's visit.

>>689853367
No way wey

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>>689853367

fuckin with weebs twitctv/eatingnoodles

>>689853367
Show us scars fag

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>>689853367

My greentext story is a tard one.

>be 18.
>senior year of high school.
>in 5th period English class.
>tard in the class named Isaac.
>pretty severely retarded. like, on a scale of 1-potato, he's full blown mega potato
>sit next to him.
>this fucker twitches constantly. i think he had some form of tourettes or something. he mumbled to himself maniacally too.
>Isaac smells like 50 year old unwashed taint as well. you can smell him from at least 5 miles away.
>always fucks every group project up and makes us all fail. pisses me off that the teacher fails us for his dumbass mistake.
>has a tard wrangler, but she's never around.
>I fucking hate this retarded faggot so much.
>one day, while studying for finals, Isaac thought it would be funny to cut my earbud wires with scissors.
>ragemodeactivated.gif
>all the pent up rage over the year finally came out.
>mollywop his ass across the face. he falls back, i ground and pound him some more.
>teacher pulls me off, tard wrangler suddenly shows up.
>security follows shortly after.
>taken to the office and expelled for the rest of the year.
>had to go to summer school to finish my senior year.
>mfw I don't regret it one bit.

I fucking hated Isaac.

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>be me
>be 18 and very sexually "grown"
>talking to two close friends on teamspeak one late night
>have mental problem which basically makes me half drunk every day when I sleep or I'm about do
>realize only the day later that I was flirting with both of them
>realize that I am a man
>and so is one of them too
>mfw

>>689857276

I got plenty of these kind of stories If you wanna hear them

>>689857465
Let's have it m8

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>one night during a cool summers me and my friends jon and jerry are bored fucking around in jons garage
>it was the spot that we smoked weed all the time in, it had a big tv and a ipod dock for music
>we all had bikes so transportation was easy mode
>we getting blown watching south park when jon has a wonderful idea
>why dont we make some molotovs?
>we were dumbasses with too much free time
>I miss it tho
>so we go down to 711 and buy a couple club soda bottles too make them in
>we down them and mix them with gasoline oil and a little styrofoam so the mix stuck when it hit
>blunts rolled we biked out not sure of where to go but higher
>we decide a christian school parking lot was as good as any
>we light the rags around the molotovs and throw them away
>fucking boom half of this parking lot and a lot of grass was on fire
>underestimated what 6 would do
>In little time the police arrived as we exited the scene
>a chase ensued
>we dipped and dived between streets parking lots and parks
>at one point we even crossed a big fence bikes and all instead of taking a main street
>jon had mad another one in a bigger glass bottle and waited to throw it
>he biked up to the main street at the end of his street
>3 of 4 lanes plus the turning lane was burning
>we got back smoked more destroyed all the food in his kitchen and passed out in the living room
>we rode up to the main street the next day and there was a huge black scorch mark across the street
we did a bunch of dumb shit like this.

>>689857276
TL;DR Poster is homersexual autist

>>689858829
kek

>housesitting for a friend with gf
>both bored nothing on tv
>randomly suggest gf have sex with the dog as a joke
>She agrees
>Gets down on hands and knees and starts jerking him out of his sheath
>Inserts dogs thick red cock into mouth and sucks like a crazy woman
>Cum and saliva all over floor
>Spends the next 30mins trying to get the dog to fuck her

Hottest experience ever

>>689858233

>>689858233
Aight

>be me
>be 14 and very horny
>have a crush on a girl that I get to sede only in sunmer
>legit 9/10, two years older too, looked like a 18 yo at best
>school almost over, thibking of her all the time
>one day, think of a sex joke while at home
>boner.jpg
>oh well
>initiate wank.exe
>go on my favourite lesbian site (had a thing for lesbians atm)
>I'm halfway through when suddenly I see my crush on the site Washing another girl's tits
>...
>fuck It
>finish wanking operation
>once done, realize what I have done and what I've found out
>mfw when of my summer crush was in porn
>mfw when I wabked to it
>mfw when I liked it.

>>689860111
Autism

>>689860385

(Pic Got bugged out soz)

>>689858772
got any more stories

>>689853053
>What a champ
What a chump

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>>689860385
You were 14 and she was 2 years older but looked 18 and you found her on a porn site.
She was 16 and in porn...

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>Be me
>17
>Girlfriend home alone for the weekend
>Fuck yeah
>Having sex in her sisters room (she was 19 at the time) because bed size
>Hear car pull up
>Holy shit
>Its her dad
>Her parents are divorced and she was staying with her mom
>What
>Hide in closet
>Girlfriend fixes the room as best as she can and puts on some clothes
>Hear them talk in the kitchen
>"Hold up my love I need to grab a money your sister owes me"
>ohfuck.jpg
>Dad walks in room
>Closes door
>Im still in the fucking closet
>Dont move
>Can see through a small hole
>Dad looks in my girlfriend sisters drawer
>Pulls out one of her panties
>Smells one
>What the fuck
>Puts it back
>Looks under bed
>Finds a pair of unwashed panties
>Smiles, puts it in pocket and walks away
>mfw
>"goodbye sweetie I love you"
>He leaves
>Proceed to keep having with my girlfriend
>Never mention it to her

>>689862499

I know It sounds shady, prolly shw was another girl but the impact was the same

>>689862600
you're a real man anon
also checked

>>689862600
Total bro.

>Discovered that anal masturbation gave me the greatest orgasms when coupled with jacking off.
>Have brilliant idea to anally masturbate until I ejaculate.
>Didn't have a dildo so I just covered a flashlight in plastic wrap.
>Used very little lube, if any at all and was pumping furiously.
>It felt very warm and it wasn't going anywhere, I was quite tired.
>Pulled flashlight out, blood everywhere.
>Afraid to shit for two weeks.

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>Decide to anally masturbate, put down a towel because it don't want to make a mess.
>Earlier that day I ate an sizeable summer sausage and hadn't shit in a while.
>Felt something very warm, thought it might be blood.
>Unplug my anus and a torrent of shit wrought havoc upon my towel.
>Try to was towel without touching shit.
>Leave towel out to try for 3 months.
>Always clean my anus out now.

Why is /b/ filled with homosexuals? I read nothing but people shoving stuff up their assholes.

>>689863743
ya these used to be where all the potato stories were, now it's sticking stuff up your ass

>>689863743
>Implying it is physically impossible for a heterosexual man to like the feel of something in his anus.
What law of physics was this, again?

>>689863951
Then make those stories happen, mong.
>inb4 you can't because you're too retarded.

>>689852763
The friendship... Ruined because of the marijuana

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>>689863951
I hate this wave of effeminate men on /b/. Look at all the trap and Furry threads. Really sad stuff. We need a proper containment board.

>>689862897
>>689863117
Thank you guys. I got a couple more stories if you want to hear them.

>>689864329
>>689863743
>>689863951
>Willing to complain constantly about the current state of /b/
>Never attempts to change it.

>>689864481
Don't ask, just keep posting weird shit.

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>I fall in love with a girl.
>Unable to confess, I'm gifted by a deus ex machina with the girl's phone number.
>Never minding the strange area code, I immediately call her, and I'm overjoyed to find out that she has a crush on me as well.
>But, the next day, when I recount the previous day's confessions to the girl, she only looks at me with a perplexed expression.
>After some investigation, I find out that the girl I called is not the same girl I fell in love with.
>In fact, she doesn't exist in this universe at all. She is the girl's alternate universe counterpart, who has fallen in love with my own AU self, who too is blissfully unaware of her crush.
>Hijinks ensue as we strike up a deal to give each other our darkest, most private secrets in order to equip one another with the weapons we need to conquer the heart of our other selves.
>While we chase our respective loved ones, DRAMA ensues as we begin to fall in love with each other instead and question the NATURE of LOVE.

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>>689864555
I just posted a story on how I fucked my girlfriend after seeing her father taking one of her sisters panties to masturbate to them. I always try to contribute to entertaining threads and I tell faggots to stop with their faggotry. As an OP I try to deliver. As a man I do what it must be done.
I still believe in /b/ and know it can produce some great content, but all these faggots are ruining the experience in my opinion. Nothing against homosexuals, just saying that the fact that they flood this board hurts the diversity of threads.

>>689854875
im not sure if he's the fag if you want to see anus scars you fucking nigger

>>689865227
I know for a fact that most threads aren't of the faggot variety, and the faggot threads certainly don't always get the most traffic.
Believing in /b/ cringe aside, why don't more people try to change this shit, then? I always see whining, but never any action. If that is the true nature of /b/, then it should be destroyed.

>be me
>idk like 12 or 13
>hanging out at the neighbors' house because summer and they were having a cookout
>notice an enormous bee's nest in a tree at the end of their yard
>i mean, this fucker is HUGE
>like, twice the size of a basketball
>anyway, me and a bunch of semi-drunk adults spend the day throwing shit at the nest
>based uncle (this man is literally my coolest family member) comes over, and he gets the idea to wrap gas-soaked rags around the ends of arrows and make flaming arrows
>they don't fly very well, and almost scorch the yard
>uncle goes back to our yard, and comes back with a potato cannon and a can of hairspray
>iknowwherethisisgoing.png
>he spends about ten minutes shooting potatoes at this nest
>about to give up
>i think I should mention now that this nest is on a dead branch of the tree
>uncle hits the branch, and it snaps so that it swings down and slams against the tree
>this knocks the nest off the branch and it geek down and smashed open on the ground
>all hell broke loose
>I booked it for the pool in my yard and jumped in and stayed there
>got stung like 13 times on the way there

And that's the story of the time I found out I'm not allergic to bees.

>>689865069
FINDS A WAY

>>689865069
man that sounds like a really shitty movie or an even shittier tv show

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>>689864881
>Be me last Christmas eve
>Be 18
>You can drink legally at that age where I live
>Walk with a cousin to buy beer at the Mexican equivalent of 711
>Its like 11 PM
> "anon what the fuck is that"
>Look up to the sky
>4 red lights just sitting there motionless
>"holy shit"
>Out of nowhere two more red lights appear at the center
>"holy shit man"
>Question life on other planets
>Question God
>Lights gradually get bigger, still not moving
>Is this really happening
>"holy fuck man what the fuck Aliens dude"
>Are they actually coming
>Lights keep getting bigger
>Suddenly lights get small in a fraction of a second and disappear
>"holy fuck Anon they are real man holy shit"
>Buy the beer and get drunkwith my family
>Try not to think about it too much
>Aliens are fucking real

>>689865362
The man has a point..

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>be 17
>house party, bunch of people i dont know
>girl gives me MDMA
>take it
>45 mins later im fucked
>smoke weed
>puke
>pass out underneath a deck in the backyard
>wake up and see flashlights
>cops.rar
>get up and run through a hold in the fence
>wind up in a field beside this girls house
>see a play structure, go hide in it
>cops are all over the place, understandable considering it was a 200+ people party
>see like 5 cops walking towards towards me
>freak out, throw weed from my pocket on the ground and try and get away
>"STOP RIGHT THERE! GET ON YOUR KNEES"
>on my knees
>5 cops all pointing flashlights at me approach me and push me on the ground
>search me, dont find the weed that was like 5 feet away in the grass
>they figure out im on mdma
>one cop starts reading me his memoir
>theyre all laughing and making fun of me, im sitting there like
>they let me go, i come back 30 mins later looking for the weed
>find the bag, looks strange
>mfw i was so fucked on mdma i bought oregano off a dude and smoked it, puked, passed out and got verbally gangbanged by cops

>>689866174
Wow, this is excellent proof. Please, you MUST show this to a reputable science organization. All the naysayers with be shutdown for good and we can get on with alien investigations.

>>689866406
Its just so you can imagine how the lights actually looked you autistic piece of shit

>>689866502
"Aliens are fucking real"
>Just so you can imagine how the lights actually looked.
Okay

>>689866635
Did you saw the gameplay for the new God Of War?

>>689858772
Moar, you brilliant faggot

>be me
>be in 8th grade
>share 6th period math with a tard named jason
>jason laughs randomly, also sings
>taking a test
>jason starts laughing
>wrangler does nothing, teacher tells him to stop
>jason laughs louder
>entire class is focused on jason
>jason begins singing between laughs
>people hold back laughter
>kid next to me points out that jason's got his hand on his crotch
>it's the only thing either of us notice
>jason's grabbing his dick and getting off in class
>teacher keeps telling him to stop, wrangler is ignorant to the situation
>notice small wet mark appear on jason's shorts
>he pissed
>everyone notices the piss, some even smell it
>girl next to him notices, starts crying
>wrangler finally removes him
>all that's left is a piss puddle on his chair
>jason is absent the rest of the week
>learn he's done this in other classes

TL;DR nasty tard kid managed to get off and piss in math class

dubs and I'll post my incest story

>>689868078
No one gives a fuck.

>>689868078
nice dubs bro,
but check these

>>689868132
i do

>>689868250
Me too

▲
▲ ▲

>>689858772
me and my m8's did something like that last summer too. Little drunk decide to make Molotovs because why not. We take some glass jars in his house and a torn up American flag make 4 and throw them out behind his house at 4am, which is a church parking lot. MASIVE FIREBALL. We flee the scene and go back inside. 5 minutes later a few guys in uniforms show up. oshit.jpg. We turn off all the lights in the house. >didntgetcaught.png

>>689866174
this is fucking freaky.. only what i saw was 1 orange dot... it was right outside our house.

>>689866388
are you sure that was mdma?

>>689868250
>>689868323
Fucking freaks.

>>689868716
done it a few times since. for sure

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>be Canadian living in rural Canadia
>getting drunk as fuck with some friends
>get message on FB from bro in a city a few hours south
>get in car and booze cruise to pick up said bro
>along the way stop for many piss breaks because beer
>get there
>bro has more beer and whisky
>get him to drive since I'm fucked up and barely remember the drive there after a certain point
>driving back to wilderness
>out on some grid road and need to piss
>car stops
>"yo anon watch the fuck out"
>nearby creek
>hear something slapping the ground
>see giant ball on ground feet away from me passing
>it's a beaver
>it hisses
>since when do beavers fucking hiss
>it attacks
>fight or flight
>fight
>kick that whore straight in the face
>feels like I kicked a Boulder
>son of a bitch was huge
>dick still out and pissing in the wind
>it attacks again
>flight
>run back to car
>still pissing
>jump in back seat
>ruined wet pants
>dropped my beer
>put dick away and drink another beer
>first beaver attack ever experienced
>mfw

>be me
>be 15
>be friends with a girl
>she and i and a few others are all in a group chat
>one of the guys' birthdays is coming up
>she offers to buy him an anime girl boob mousepad
>he jokingly says sure
>she fucking does it
>gives it to him the following monday
>he's embarrassed
>everyone at his lunch table passes it around >one of them takes a strange interest in it and keeps grabbing the boobs
>they then pour milk all over it, followed by leftover food
>they microwave it
>apparently the guy was bullied for the rest of the day about it
>no idea what he did with the mousepad after microwaving it

>>689868078
Adalia rose

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Moar?

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>be me
>12, 13 years old
>just discovered porn, but not private browsing
>very careful to delete every page from history after every session
>even going on Omegle and shit must be deleted, parents are total control freaks
>fast forward a few months, still no idea about private browsing
>"well anon, you have proven yourself trustworthy enough to earn a computer in your own room"
>shit little desktop but I don't care, it's porn at any time
>manage for a few weeks to keep the porn a secret
>wait for them to sleep before even turning it on
>finally one night discover an odd little site
>"fakku dot net"
>click
>zero to a hundred in ten seconds flat
>find interesting sounding one
>"prina the dungeoneering princess"
>never came so hard or fast in my few years
>actually pass out after
>next morning
>"anon why aren't you ready for school"
>mfw parents see futa tentacle weeaboo shit porn and my hand still in my pants
>mfw literally grounded for three years
>mfw my 18th birthday present was a bunch of girl's sex toys "because you seem to like that stuff"

Pic related, they even put it in a pink box

>>689872139
nice waun anon.

>>689866174
>I was 'probably' abducted when 7 after entire family saw UFO outside at around 1 AM (have some weird memories)
>Saw typical grey alien at my window when 13
>Woke up with triangular/pyramid pattern on my arm when 17
>Saw beams of light in sky rotating and spanning from horizon to horizon when 17.
>Felt something fall onto my bed when 23, shook my entire home
>Saw orb in back yard also when 23
>Girlfriend and I watching Fourth Kind, suddenly owl painting flies off wall and hits my girlfriend.
>Said 666 in my sleep once in a 'gargoyle' voice

Weird shit out there for sure. Not a full believer, but open minded. Now in 30s, and want some shit to happen. I will calmly document, for science.

>>689870171
Lmao

>>689872139
>keeps the girls sex stuff
Wew they must be proud of you.

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>>689856262
congrats, you beat up a retarded kid, how do you feel?