>>688581072
Craigslist hookup

>>688581649
Mind sharing experience?

>>688581072
Why wouldn't he just crumble them up in his dick

>>688581072
jerked off with paint as a kid.
>trying different lubes because learned young that touching it felt good
>oh red shit in the bathroom lets give it a shot
>pour in hand start fapping
>feels good
>pumping away
>dick is hard
>REALLY hard for some reason
>what is going on
>shit this is a problem
>time to take a bath
only after I had been jerking off for like 40 seconds did it start smelling like paint.

Oh and I once tried jerking off with ben gay.

Not as horriffic as people say, then again I was a kid too stupid to stay down when hit anyway lol

I have done a lot. Let me put it this way. I just shut up and go to work everyday.

>>688581888
because if he's retarded enough to put them in there, he's probably not smart enough to take them out

>>688581072
read this thread

>>688581794
>be 20
>be drunk
>hook up with cl guy
>over 40, kinda chubby, obvious meth addict even tho he said he was ddf
>keeps asking me to bite his dick
>tries to stay the night

Wasn't the worst cl story ever, but definitely my own worst moment

>>688581072
enter 4chan

>>688581888
Nice trips

>>688582497
lmaoooo what the fuck

Slept with my ex's 14 year old daughter

Exist

Fapped the family's dog off

>>688582838
greentext anon

>>688581072
-Broke my nose in junior high,
-Doctor tells me its a clean break and give it a few days before resetting hit.
-Meanwhile my nose is hanging off to the right quite a bit.
-so a couple days later go into the the bathroom to piss.
-Piss ,wash hands, nose is stuffy so I go to blow it.
-forget it is broken and blow hard
-screaming whiteout head pain and rop to the floor
-catch the fucking sink with forehead on the way down
-lie on the ground flat-out on my back thinking you are such a fucking dumb ass

>>688583223
Kek greentext fail

>>688583223
damn I feel for you, that must have sucked.

You get any free time at home after that incident? I would have called someone to take my lazy ass home to play nintendo lol

>>688581072
When I was about 10 I put super glue on my dick while i was hard because I thought the glue would keep me erect.

>>688583126
Eh, not much to tell. Told me one of her friends had a crush on me, told me she had a crush on me, had sex a couple times, was fun, ex found out, now I'm on a register.

>>688583497
wasn't trying to green text- so fuck you.

>>688582838
That's not stupid that's a win.
14 year olds are horny as fuck I bet she was begging for your dick.

>>688583723
What the fuck were you trying to do then?

>>688583524
nope got my shit together and went back to class.I was kind of foggy for the rest of the day :)

>>688583705
register?

>>688583679
that reminds me- paint guy here.

I also once saw an ointment-like tube with a very tiny funnel/opening.

I considered the size comparison, as I had never seen something that could fit in my urethra.

I only had a few moments in my autistic life where I'd have a burst of "THAT'S BAD YOU IDIOT STOP DOING THIS SHIT" come into my head.

This was one of them. I did not see what the "ointment" was until I turned it over, and saw it was superglue. I think about that one a lot, and what horrors would have awaited me if I went full retard.

>>688583993
pedo register?

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>>688583934

Not greentext obvi!

I have an idea for the way this guy could get these Oreos out of his dick. Soak them in water or milk. When they crumble, squeeze them out and enjoy your snack.

>>688583934
I was typing with one hand because I was hammering one out to your sisters home video with the other.
Jesus man, we don't all live on here and give a complete fuck what the rest of you do.

>>688583223
I got in a multiple person brawl my sophomore year of high school, and in all the swinging fists and confusion I got hit in the face with a wooden board (no idea where it came from, it happened at a school football game). It broke my nose really bad, it was almost completely sideways to the right. When the doctor tried to set it back in place, it went all the way to the left. He had to keep snapping it back and forth until it was finally back "in place", which still wasn't correct. So my nose is now permenently slightly to the right.

I've been hit in the nose so many times before and after I don't think it's even possible for it to sit straight anyway.

>>688584523
>I was hammering one out to your sisters home video with the other

I know that's not true because I don't have a sister!

Haha, I win, suck it fag :P ;)

I read a sexy story where this guy shoved this girl's panties up her vagina and I thought it was hot. I took my panties and shoved them on up there. I was wet at the time, so it didn't feel like much. After I'd dried up I realized that I'd stuffed them in too far. Down there, it was as dry as a desert. I kept trying to pull them out, but the lace and the waistband scraping against my inner walls was painful. I eventually decided to take a bath, soak the panties, and pull them out, but my vagina was basically...clenched up around them, so water wasn't getting in as well as I hoped. I desperately masturbated, trying to get enough fluid in there to wet the panties and ease pulling them out. I finally managed to get them out. Not a sexy experience

>>688584523
>>688584492
>>688584413
>>688583934
>>688583723
>>688583223
This thread is crawling with new fags.

Had sex with my dog in my room during a family dinner. Dad came in askin me to join the fam. Caught me balls deep in my dog, didn't talk for a week.

>>688585116
Tits or GTFO.

>>688584716
arrgh shitty.
Wish mine was a good story like that but the truth is I missed a throw from second while playing third base in a slow pitch game.
I thought I had the throw lined up and started to cheat a look to home for the runner that was in third.i must have pulled my glove back a bit because it went off my glove into my face :)
-another dumb ass moment :)

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>>688585024

>>688581072
If we're going for something kinda like the picture, then it'd be the time when I was a kid that I stuck a mechanical pencil eraser cap in my ear, mom had to fish it out with tweasers.

>>688585116
seeing your desperation would have turned me on

Went to jail for being publicly intoxicated

>>688585163
How Long should a newfag wait before posting
(Obviously me)
lurk for 5 months i have

>>688581072
got caught by my sister in a pink one piece swimsuit and two very thick wet diapers when i was younger. she still hasnt let me live it down.

>>688585762
What's so bad about that. I've done that 3 times so far and I'm only 25.

>>688586025
Some of us arent neet's with mummy and daddy's disposable income you faggot

be 6 playing with a pretty powerfull magnet
stick it my ball sack with a 2p coin
instant regret
cant get it off have to show it to mum and dad
to try and pry it off
waddel into their bed room with a magnet and 2p stuck to my sack

>>688585762
Got blackout drunk and drove home. Totaled truck and got dui.

do drugs and be a fag.

>>688586215
Wrong.

I just get to hammered all the time.

>>688585821
untill your not a cuck, untill you know the in's and out's of 4chan, untill you blend in, it isnt really about how long, its about how you act

>>688586861
You faggot

Move to Kansas city, Missouri.

>>688587018
dude, let me fuck with them a little

>>688584135
Wtf are you legit retarded ?
Even as a kid I'd never have thought of inserting stuff in my urethra

>>688585821
I've been lurking for 7 years and still sound like a newfag.

>>688587187
It's not even that bad here.

>>688587777
I was a stupid fucking kid.

>>688587777
CHEKT

>>688582497
more cl stories?

>>688587187
Welcome m8
It's no too bad.

>>688587777
This.
That's why my daddy taught me how not to hurt yourself using random objects and instead use someone else's tongue.

>Be me
>13 at time
>Really into anal stuff because I haven't figured out how to properly fap yet
>Make myself shitty enema device
>Fill butthole with about 1 liter of milk
>Doing this early in the morning before school starts, parents still sleeping
>Finish filling asshole
>Get up to use restroom
>My asshole suddenly unclenches and I squirt anal milk all over my carpet
>Reeks horribly
>Have only about 10 mins to clean up
>Try to clean up but decided fuck it
>Throw towel over spot and hope parents don't notice
>Come home from school
>Stain has set it
>Spot smells permanently funny and is offcolored...
>Still like that to this day
>Enema made me cum tho, so it was pretty fun 6/10

>>688586384
kek lost

>>688581794
Sadly it isn't possible to share minds...

>>688588999
>6/10

Anon, you are my hero for the day

>>688586384
Topkek old chap!

>>688581072
probably sticking oreos in my foreskin

there was literally nothing to gain from that

>>688581072
Fuck whit your mom.

>>688589301
Oh hey I got trips in my last post

>>688582510
this

Lost full bandos and an SGS in the red portal 5-6 years ago.

>>688584413
if this shit happened in real life i imagine there would be many more shootings happening.

Begged my parents to get me a computer.

It doesn't sound that bad, but in hindsight, it caused me to procrastinate so many hours away. Now I'm a massive loser and I'm still procrastinating even though I feel like shit

Went on /lit/ and tried to have an actual debate.

>be a few years ago
>drunk as fuck making out with bf friend
>He doesn't have a condom
>so i redirect his dick to my ass
>Had mexican the night before
> while we are fucking shit is slowing going everywhere on him
>he gags
> i run
>mfw bf never found out though that dude stopped talking to both of us

Used icy hot as lube.. multiple times.

Used shampoo as lube and let it dry.

Use a horse nail polish as lube.. um. Yeah. That gave me water blisters on my dick..

Told my best friend since kindergarten I hated him and that he was always a shit type bro when he intentionally hooked up with the girl I liked a few weeks before him and his mom died in a crash.

And honestly I felt like a total asshole for doing it but I came in and got with her using his death. He never told her about how I liked her and all this shit I said so it made me feel even worse.

>>688581072
Well, I once stuck several fish hooks through my nipples and attached the fishing line to the shower rod in the shower with my hands cuffed behind my back so that I would be forced to drink my own piss that I had saved up in a bucket in order to get the keys to the cuffs to lower low enough to reach them unfortunately getting the hooks out took a couple hours of pain and blood as I did not have a tool that could cut through them.

>>688581888
why wouldn't he dip them in milk and get his sister to suck them out?

made my piss slit bigger, fun times

>>688588569
why the fuck do i have the beginning dialogue of that film memorized

what am i doing with my life

Put my dick in organic peanut butter from costco. Felt great when it was in there, but my horniness and the liquidy peanut butter didn't work so well together so that shit spilt on a carpeted floor. I had to take a shower to wash out the oil and shit and I ran out of paper towels so I used one of my towels to clean it up. I looked like someone whiped their ass with it and it smelled awful.

>>688584492
yep dick flavoured milk

>>688585163
>and judging by these stories, Idiocracy will be here very soon

>>688590826
kek

Be me at family freinds house they have a ps2 i eat some chips get chips on disc lazy ass puts the fucking disc mfw when sound mfw rachet and clank is broken

>>688587777
>Implying sounding isn't a thing

>>688590486
Sounds like a saw movie 9/11

>>688590486
WOW YOU TOO MAN WHAT ARE THE ODDS

>>688582838
Story?

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>>688587777

>>688591774
whaaaaaa
nice

>>688581072
Look who it is again, ID Heaven. I'm fed up with your shit faggot. The other day when you called me a newfag, yeah, haven't forgotten about that yet.
Fuck you I've been on here for months and probably get on here more than you anyways.
Don't you know that you make yourself look like a newfag when you call others newfag?
Just because you learned how to hack your name and change it to "Heaven" does not give you the right to disrespect anyone at any time.

Slowly take away the top part of the Oreo then the second half then let the second cookie come out....

>>688592221
Bet you still try to use "noko" don't ya

>>688592221
ID Heaven........ forgot about that

>Be me 6 years ago
>Edgy teen
>Dyed hair black
>Like bands like BOTDF, My Chemical Romance
>All that shit
>Bullied like a mother fucker for it, obviously
>Go deep into depression
>Pills don't help
>Sleep a lot
>Depression slowly turns to anger
>It wasn't my fault I was a depressed little shit
>It was the school's
>So, like a rational human being
>I decide to shoot up the school
>Spends weeks in preparation
>Tell dad I want to go shooting
>We get some extra ammo
>Get the guns all fixed up
>Dad is proud of me for actually doing something
>Spend a few weeks hunting, going to the range, etc
>Dad approves
>feelsgoodman.png
>Still, I have a mission
>Pack my gun
>Go to school
>I plan to strike halfway through third hour
>Boring ass math shit, plus the teacher was a cunt
>Just as we all sit down, some kid pulls a gun of his own
>Shoots the teacher and a few kids up front
>Grab my own gun, sink a few rounds into him
>This is my chance
>Just as I go to finish off the rest of the class, the gun jams
>I panic
>Now I can't even fucking kill myself
>But some kid hugs me tight
>8/10 gril
>"Thank you, Anon! You're so brave!"
>wtf
>Realise that probably looked like I just stopped a school shooter
>Teachers come in to investigate
>Emergency shit is sorted out
>I'm hailed as a hero throughout the nation
This, children, is why it's always a good idea to shoot up your school if you're depressed

>>688581072
Nobody has said it yet so I'm just going to say it.


Salty milk and cookies.

>>688590427
tits

>>688587999
trips
thanks for the advice anon

>>688581072
Soak the cookie stuffed foreskin in warm milk for a minute or so, then lean forward and gently remove them with your mouth. Problem solved.

>>688592677
the 12 year olds are thirsty

Raped a girl once at a university dormitory while visiting for a party.
It was in a long hallway of rooms, parties going on and it was pretty loud.
At the end of the hall there was a little cubby area with some snack/soda machines.
I was high as hell on something and not thinking straight, but when I went to get a drink I saw a hot blonde in there getting a snack.
Acting on a wild impulse I ran up behind her and grabbed her from behind, my hand on her mouth.
I told her to close her eyes, do not turn around, and not to make a sound or I would kill her.
She was wearing some kind of skimpy pajamas or sweatpants or something. I don't really remember.
I made her kneel down in front of me and I pulled down her pants.
She started whimpering as I played with her pussy and butthole for a minute or two so I punched her in the back of the head.
Told her if she made another sound I would kill her.
I then started fucking her pussy. I was so turned on I came in like 45 seconds of hard thrusting.
She made a few quiet grunts and sobs, but nothing too loud.
After I finished I told her to lay there for at least 5 minutes or I would know and come kill her.
For fun, I also told her if she gets pregnant she better give birth to my baby. She could give it up for adoption or whatever, but she better have it.

Never did find out who she was though.

>>688592221
Oh fuck off.

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>>688593008
You sir are a genius.

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>>688585163
>hurr durr newfags GTFO

Shut up

>>688587777
I once put the lego light saber in my urethra before. Was like 10 or 11 though.

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>>688590721
jej

>>688590721
you my friend are a true /b/rotherin....

Once I lit a piece of paper on fire in my kitchen while holding it. Panic'd as it started to burn towards my hand. So Instead of putting it on the floor or in the sink I ran outside and threw it on the ground. Burnt the fuck out of my hand. Blisters for weeks.

>>688593892
>OH FUCK IT'S ON FIYAH

>>688590826
Jeff?

>>688594006
I'm Canadian!
>OH FUCK EH, IT'S ON FIYAH

Born.

>>688594183
>>688594006
summer already?

>>688590304
Da fuck were you thinking?

>>688581072
Pulled a gun on someone

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>>688581072
Oh, I've got a good story.

>back in the summer of 2010
>be 13 year old me
>really dumb kid
>saved enough christmas money and good boy points to buy iPhone 3g
>best friend has indestructible Nokia brick
>be spending night at friends house
>playing ps2
>we stop and I brag about my iShit
>"well can it do this?"
>throws phone at wall
>"you bet"
>say a prayer.png
>throw phone and it lands face down on basement floor
>go to pick it up
>whole screen is shattered
>mfw I realized I just threw hundreds of dollars at a wall and broke it

The only good thing about this all is that I repaired the phone myself. That got me interested in technology and now I'm working my dream job at a computer repair store. At least I learned from my mistakes.

>>688581072
>am 15 at time
>sister (12) invites her best friend (also 12) on which i have a cush for a sleepover
>wait until they're asleep
>proceed to lift her shirt until her beautiful forbidden buds are exposed
>after much mental deliberation and testing, put her hand around my shaft
>slowly start jerking
>not getting closer to cumming, too scared to go faster
>moment of illumination
>what if she woke up right now, pretty hard to explain her being almost topless and me masturbation over her
>decide in my eternal wisdom to stop and dress her
>cum the biggest load in the world in my bedroom
>never got caught, but the stupidity is in the act itself

tl;dr
>masturbated over sleeping girl's semi naked body
>didn't get caught
>lucky boi

DRINKING IN PUBLIC

HAHA

BEING ARRESTED FOR THAT

HAHAHAHAHAHHA

come to germany and get hammered wherever u want to.

>>688594409
Were you mad or something?

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>>688594444

>>688594444
quads checked

>>688590304
This statement for everything. Went on /fit/ and tried to have an actual debate, /pol/, etc.

had my sister kiss the tip of my dick.

>>688581072
Drunk dailed my crush and asked her on a date while saying cringy things and slurring my words heavily.

>>688594833
Story!

>>688581888
>>688587777
>>688587999
>>688588999
>>688589777
The fuck is with this thread

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>>688585024

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>>688595018
>>688594444
ANOTHER ONE

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>>688585639

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>>688582838
only dumb if you got caught

>>688594536
Yeah this group of guys were talking about fucking my gf at the time so I called one of them out and all of them ran downstairs from the apartment. I ran to my truck and whipped it out. Made a hasty withdrawal and have felt like shit about it since

bought a house in a suburban neighborhood full of faggots who think they're living in the hamptons and its run by an east german stasi HOA. i was 24, dick all hard about getting my own place, not considering any of this at all. should've waited or moved to somewhere more rural. would take a huge loss to sell and leave now, gotta wait for it to pickup in value, so like a decade+ im stuck in this shit

white people problems etc

>>688588999
No need to cry over spilled milk, just your wasted trips.

>>688587777
ive inserted an action figure sized lightsaber into my urethra, didnt get me off at all. didnt hurt though, mostly just tickled ALOT. I also used it to fuck my pet lizards pussy.

>>688595209
nice try faget

>>688595209
you had to go and fuck it up didn't ya

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>>688595018
>>688595209
I've got both quads too wtf

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>>688595644
Goddamn

>>688594429
Damn. Way to take a moment of weakness and turn it into a good paycheck.

>>688595628
how did the lizard feel?

>>688595749
Now if only you could do something IMPORTANT with your life.

>>688595978
like these?

>>688595749
damn...

>>688594953
was about 11, she was 2 years younger. I heard people talking about kissing each other's privates on a radio show. Told her I would kiss her ass if she kissed the tip of my dick. She did it, and I licked my fingers, pushed it on her ass while making a kissing sound so she thought I did it. Happened a couple more times then got caught. big trouble.

>>688588999
nice story anon
nice trips
10/10

>>688581072
read this thread

>>688595889
It either came or pissed itself. It didn't actually react all that much.

>>688595978
If only I had you to teach me anon-senpai

>>688596218
OH HAHAHAHAHA I GET IT

>>688596090
Hahahaha. What was the punishment?

>>688596218
This joke has already been made faggot.
>>688582342

>>688593202
Yeah it was pretty stupid to cum in her

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>>688595628
found the action figure I used to own

Put my thumb in the wrong hole of a cigar cutter. It was one of those little guillotine-style ones that goes in your wallet. Two stitches and permanent sensory nerve damage (not too bad, just less sensitive).

>>688596244
>>688596288
>>688596299
3 dubs in a row o shit

>>688596403
This is now a get thread

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>>688581072
basically, I bonged crushed chilies.
there's a reason you don't see a shitload of videos of dickheads like me doing it.
That shit was beyond pain, and Ive had my dick pierced.

>>688596524
>start by getting lost

>>688592621
news snip or didn't happen fag
prolly bait

>>688583771
If 14 y/o are horny af its not a win. It would be the easiest sex ever

>>688596524
like these?

>>688596294
well I had to change rooms, was sleeping in my sister's room...but I never found out who my sister told who told my parents, so I think at least one of my parent's friends know but I don't know who. And I felt like shit. I got spanked but I still feel bad about it. Also I can't cum from blowjobs now and I wonder if it is related.

>>688594444
nice quads
>i read this post in an exaggerated Irish accent.

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>>688581072
Totaled my car while drunk because I decided to follow a police chase. No DUI somehow.

Also sideswiped two parked cars on ambien .. no DUI there either.

It's good to be white.

>>688596599
tell me about the dick piercing

>>688594469

Indeed..

Damn
I love London!!

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>>688596524
>>688596599
yes well done

>>688596702
Does she remember? Have you ever talking about it with her?

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>>688590826
def kek worthy. Nice one...
>>688591231
thats what I'm waiting on. ^_^
>>688594429
>Dream job at a computer repair store
Can't be disappointed with low expectations.
>>688594444
Quads, exact same story here except it was my best friends step sister (fuckin 9/10 blonde hair blue eyes)
>>688583223
sides are in orbit... man I love this thread.
>>688596669
Mei is close enough, id fuck the shit out of her...

Oh when Lost virginity at 12 to an 11 year old girl named taylor, she was super cute, and tight as fuck. >,<

>>688586384
my sides

i bet that hurt like a bitch

>>688584135
>"hello, this is emergency doctor, what seems to be the problem Anon's parents?"
>"Our idiot son squirted super glue directly into his urethra, just fuck his shit up"

I wish you would have done it

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Attempted quints

>>688596658
Are you fucking retarded? Take a good, long look at the top of the page, newfag.

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>>688596799
>be me
>ouch!
>pic related

>>688587777
Quads

>>688582497
I Also had a bad craigslist experience
>be 24
>horny as fuck, go on Craigslist
>dude says he can do it tonight
>I go over to his house hour later
>whips dick out
>tells me to suck it
>start sucking
>finishes in a minute and a half
>tells me after that he's HIV positive
>Jesuschrist.jpg
>get tested every week for 6 months
>still no AIDS
>never hooked up on cl again

>>688597219
I don't know what would have been worse, The superglue or the ethylene to dissolve it.

>>688597248
Now attempt suicide.

>>688589912
I feel u brother

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>>688581072
dated a female, worst 3 years of my life uugh. There brains are very and i mean very different. better off buying hookers. you dont pay for sex you pay them to leave..fact young bucks.

>>688597353
Don't think you can get it via oral. I think it has to be blood or genital to genital contact.

>>688587777
>TYL 'sounding'

>>688581072
>be me
>run into this chick from highschool
>she was a bitch and a drama queen but hey maybe people change
>start messaging her
>get along p well
>start hanging
>get handsy
>start making out
>start fucking on the regular
>agree it's not serious
>few weeks pass, she comes over at least once a day to bang
>both start catching feels
>she flips a bitch over text after I make out with this other chick even tho she's on the other couch cuddling with my homie
>beginning of the end.jpg but I don't know it yet
>be like Ay we're both pretty clearly catching feels, wanna make things official?
>she declines, says she needs more time bc she's slow to open up to people
>be like oh okay that's chill, nbd
>week later, she rants at me in a group chat saying I tried to pressure her into being my gf
>3 month of fighting later, I've lost 5 or 6 friends from her spreading bullshit about me
Lesson learned, trust your first impression of someone, and people's character doesn't change

>>688597353
Small amounts of a felony..

>>688586215
Shit man, im 23 and have been in the drunk twice. But in Canada theres no fine or anything, you just get placed in a cell with a bunch of other drunk kids until you sober up, then get released at like 7-8am
No fine or nothing, but maybe thats just nova scotia

Whenever I would skateboard, I would breath in very deeply everytime I would try to Ollie.

>>688597550
Nah, you can get it orally. It's just a bit harder to.

>>688597401
God damned barragers

>>688597383
he would have the same shitty result

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>>688593202
the legend

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>>688597550
wanna suck my dick?

>>688587244
Fuck you

>>688597641
Why tho?

go buy real lube!!!! omg half these stories are bout people too cheap to buy lube!

>>688597891
To get more air.

>>688596877
I don't know if she remembers, I never talked about it with her cause I was hoping she would forget...I asked my mom if I should talk it out with her, if she thought she would remember and my mom said she didn't know, that my sister never brought it up, so I never talked with her about it. I still think maybe I should someday but I don't know if that would fuck her up or something.

>>688590283
you sound like my brother. he's still a kid but he's pissed away so many hours gaming on his computer that he just bought. it's at least 12 hours of the day. I hope he grows out of it since he's only a freshman in high school

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>>688597059
>can't be disappointed with low expectations
If you love your job you'll never work a day in your life. I pitty you.

>>688598024
I'm sure it'd be fine
>Remember when I fingered your ass?

>What could go wrong

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>>688598018
GOD FUCKING DAMMIT CARLOS LEAVE YOU PIECE OF SHT FUCKING KILL YOURSELF SWEAR TO GOD YOU'RE A FUCKING NIGGER THAT NEEDS TO BE LYNCHED REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

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>>688583223
> pic related
You retarded bro

>>688597643
you need a cut in your mouth
can get big enough cuts from brushing your teeth
>would not recommend, but it is safer

>>688586384
First time I've laughed at something in like a month on here lmao

Stayed out way too late drinking after work, drive home with buddy (90 mile commute one way) buddy dallas asleep, I fall asleep, destroy a guard rail, total my truck

Buddy still passed out I start to panic, he wakes up we wait for police to arrive so I can face the consequences, local deputy shows up says "you guys smell like alcohol big time" I ask if I am going to be arrested he says that's up to the state trooper, state trooper shows up, cool as fuck, more worried about us than he should be, somehow pass field sobriety, trooper looks back at us asks if we are gonna call someone to pick us up.....fuck yes

Trooper calls next day says he found my debit card at the scene he wants to return it to me, fucking based state trooper

That was 3 years ago, never received any kind of citation, have not drove drunk since either

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>>688598018

i thought I was off my period when I actually wasn't, and I only found that out after my x boyfriend went down on me and came up gagging and spitting. he was surprisingly cool about it we just didn't really talk about it after

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>>688598303
Say that to my face motherfucker

>>688596239
It was probably piss. They've only got one hole you fucking loser

>>688598200
lol no I just pushed my wet fingers in a lip shape on her butt, so that she would think I was kissing it but I was too grossed out to. Maybe she thinks I did and that we are even, but if I tell her I never did I wonder if that's worse, like tricking her for uneven sex favors.

Dating my most recent ex was probably the dumbest thing I've done. Wasted three years on someone who in hindsight was manipulative and just using me.

Which means that now every attempt I make at getting to know a girl I'm interested in ends up being in me being stupid. I always seem to outdo myself at failing. If I'm not interested in them, I have no problem holding a conversation and acting like a normal person, but if I'm into them, I go full retard.

>>688598303
damn, you walked straight into that one

>>688595384
what are you a cuck? why would you feel bad for that? you should've shot one of them

>>688598689
Tell her you lied
>-sisters name- I never kissed your ass that one time.
>Maybe there was something I could do to.... make up for it

Caress her arm

>>688584194
Bridal register

>>688598689
she may make you even it up
>could lead to wincest

>>688585299
That's because dogs don't talk dipshit.

Also checked.

>>688599086
wait, they don't??
>then who the fuck have I been talking to??

>>688581072
literally fucked myself with a stick. my ass bleeded like shit. now I have somewhat of a fragil ass. if the turd is medium size, my ass breaks again and starts to bleed lol.
I was a horny 10yo when I did it. now I'm32.

>>688597219
Someone who'd squirt super glue into it doesn't need it.

>>688599061
the thought has entered my mind but im not down for that

>>688599416
I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure that isn't normal.

Remembered another one. first time I had sex I lasted like 25 mins. Was not feeling anything. So when I finally pulled out a torrent of blood came out with my cock. Turns out I ripped the small piece of skin that holds the foreskin up. Anti-biotic cream, and no sex for 2 weeks after that

>>688598727
probably fat and digusting

>>688596732
Nope, murrica
Irish ancestry though, so not a complete miss I guess

>>688597891
>>688598018
Samefag

Swam to the egg

>>688598059
He won't grow out of it

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>>688599751
So many different flavors and you choose to be salty.

>>688590721
ily

>>688581072
Why would he just dunk his junk in milk until it dissolves?

>>688598492
State Trooper sounds cool af

>>688597634
Can press charges in the states. Depends if you are a drunk asshole.
>states
>drunk
>asshole
What is 75% Jim. If your not a trouble maker same story as you. However many places will charge just to bring in some money.
>be me 22, drunk at home and restless.
>walk to park at end of street, listen to music on hill there
>early spring, gettin chilly at night
>start small fire in a grill to sit by
>no one allowed in parks after sunset
>neighborhood cunt watch calls cops
>cops and fire fighters show up
>cops talk to her, firefighters see small contained fire in grill and leave. Dont even extinguish.
>lecture her for calling emergency when was none
>cops talk to me about being in park after dark, careful of fires etc
>cop smells alcohol on breath...fuck
>i get multiple charges
>if i had a better attitude they would have told me to go home

>>688600307
2nded

>>688592621
fake as fuck but topkek anyway

>>688600493
samefaggin all the way through this thread
>its like you have a fetish for seeing dick in milk

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>>688598059
>only a freshmen in high school

Dude his childhood is already 3/4 over. I know it's depressing but you need to drop that truthbomb on him now, so he can cherish the last couple years of being a kid. I regret not committing to cycling as a child every day. I would be so much more experienced and I wasted so much time just fucking around when I could have focused on what I actually wanted to spend my life on

when I was like 7 I used to play truth or dare with my friends who were all around the ages 5-9. they were all mostly girls including me. anyway, I thought it would be a good idea to make people get naked and hump things/touch themselves for dares bc i was a horny little fuck. apparently, one of the younger girls told their parents because I got confronted by them and my parents and put the blame on the oldest girl of the group who was 9. never really got in trouble after I blamed her lmao. not sure why I was such a horny little kid before puberty

be me
14
never green text
end

>>688600372
Damn anon, that fucking blows. Here its like, if ur getting picked up for being drunk in public, you know u just gotta go spend the night in the tank, and no fine, so u just go with it a piss off in the paddy wagon

>>688600493
>>688600307
same faggin the whooolle time

>>688601120
It's a guy thing. I had a dare competition with one of my friends of who could touch our dicks to the most objects in his house.

>>688583934
Your mom.

>>688597891
Cock

>>688584413
Tumblr's space program

>>688581072
why not just soak it in milk? they crumble faster than shit in it

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>be me at swedish ship cruise
>been holding shit for 2 days now
>drop 2 massive pythons in toilet
>flush
>doesn't work
>panic
>look for a cleaning lady in the hallway
>my swedish is bad so I just grab her by the hand to the toilet
>say "titta" (watch in swedish) and point at the toilet
>flush
>shit flushes normally

>>688584716
>also my name is Jimmy Hopkins

>>688601615
Kek

>>688599797
How does that even happen? I mean, I'm into fucking hard, but I've never experienced any pain or had my dick injured.

>>688601022
he goes to lacrosse practice every other day but other than that he's pretty much a recluse. he plays all day with his friends on the computer and only occasionally hangs out with them irl. I wish I knew how to convince him to be productive but it'll be ruthless. I just hope that he'll commit to his grades when school starts because I keep telling him not to do what I did and fuck around in high school only to get bad grades and not end up where you want in college

>>688582204
I thought I was the only one who did that as a child Holy shit

>>688582235
Edgy