I have the power to masturbate.

>>688124798
>only in the heat of a fruitless courtship

>>688124798
>only when your mother is within 2 feet of you.

>>688124798
you are unable to shake the idea that abstaining from masturbating will give you cooler superpowers

the power to possess and recall any knowledge about the universe.

>>688125005
you can only recall information when you have a sharpie in pooper

the ability to breathe underwater and swim at amazing speeds

>>688125005
your power doesn't work on any information directly useful to your current situation

>>688125272
only works while swimming towards sharks

>>688125272
You are bounded to a desert

>>688125503
>>688125503
kek

>>688125005
You have Alzheimer's

okay anons how bout this

the power to negate all negative effects and conditions from any source.

I can teleport to any location.

>>688125855
every time you teleport, your clothes is left behind.

>>688125818
As you sit in silence and people start to worship you as a god, you realize that humanity will never be able to progress while you are still alive, so you end up sacrificing yourself for the greater good of humanity.

>>688125818
It only works at night

>>688125818
your perspective on what constitutes a negative effect or condition shifts rapidly and unpredictably

The ability to read someone's mind

>>688126099
Everyone hates you

>>688126099
that's a classic, you can hear everyone's weird-ass train of thought constantly without being able to turn it off

>>688126099
but only as they orgasm

>>688124612
the power to kill face rate/dick rate/roast me/ nudes you weren't suppose to share/porn webs threads by user ip

>>688126099
But only people who speak another language.

>>688125855

...as long as you had sex at that location.


good luck virgin

>>688126307
mods ban you 3ever

>>688126099
but your moms dirty sexual desires speak louder to you then anyone elses

>>688126307
but only those on >>>/trash/

>>688126307
without these high-traffic threads, no one posts on /b/ anymore. this is actually a positive side effect

>>688126380
>>688126380
kekld

>>688126307
at the cost of an adequate thread dying as well

>>688126307

.....but they are replaced by fat acceptance and more trap threads

I can travel at any speed I want at any given time I want.

>>688126522
in return your father leaves

>>688126522
you can only do it barefoot and are vulnerable to all the damage caused by shitty surfaces.

>>688126522
wind shear will destroy your weak human body if you travel too fast

>>688125855
but more specifically, 1000 meters above said target

>>688126522

but only in Chernobyl

>>688126522
Requires you to tickle your sphincter wih a feather

>>688126486
shit u got me, that was a good one sir
i tip my forensics hat to you

>>688126700
>>688126700
a sphincter is any circular muscle.
could be his mouth.
be more specific.

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>>688126522
But you can't escape from the pain

the power to know anyones history fears and goals just by looking at them.

>>688126522
you only go in a strait line and cannot stop

>the ability to turn water into wine

my body works in a way that converts all food and liquid intake into direct energy without making waste products of any kind what so ever. Effectively never having to shit or piss for the rest of my life.

>>688126836
But you're blind

>>688126836
You are blind

>>688126895
A guy kisses you and you are crucified

>>688126836
but you cannot tell anyone any of it or their head will explode

>>688126895
>white wine

>>688126895
wine is too fresh and needs two months to ferment

>>688126836
this is accomplished through reliving their life and circumstances, making the choices they made and ending up right where they are when you use the power. from an outside perspective it's instant, but for you it's a whole lifetime

Can get laid at any time by saying a simple phrase

>>688126927
You constantly feel like you are going to shit/piss yourself

>>688126895
but only fresh american wine

I have deadpools healing ability

>>688126927
your anus collapses into your pants consistently from no muscle usage
>redsock

>>688127051
Only works on animals

>>688127051
But not with anyone you feel attraction to

>>688127051
only works on people of the same gender as you.

>>688127051

by fat woman anytime you say kek. And it triggers whether you want it to or not

>>688127051
"Does this rag smell like chloroform"

>>688126895
All H2O you touch turns into alcohol and thus you immediately turn into a walking alcohol blob and die shortly afterwards.

>>688127064
meh, piece of cake side effect. i know I wouldn't actually have to so it's mind over matter

>>688126927
you become supreme leader of north korea.

>>688126927
Useless as you don't live in India

>>688127092
You are fatter than john candy

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>i have the power to turn any regressive progressive, dyed hair, daddy issue faggot into a decent functioning member of society

>>688124798
every time you masturbate you grow more hair on your back

>>688125005
that's a classic, you are unable to use your knowledge to prevent bad shit happening to your loved ones because nobody believes you

>>688125272
your face turns into pepe

>>688125818
crippling depression, because instead of eternal happiness, the absence of negativity prevents you from feeling positivity

>>688125855
if you have to pass through minerals doing so, science mumbo-jumbo causes you to incorporate traces of them into your skin, making you look like a freak and possibly causing severe harm

>>688127051
simple phrase is daddies kisses taste like cigarettes

>>688127208
>what is a NEET

>>688127092
but the mind of a two year old

>>688127217
Not that bad

>>688126927
indigestible materials are incorporated into the body very crudely, serving no useful purpose but taking up space anyway. you slowly turn into a shapeless mass of garbage as you consume many times your original body weight in fiber over the course of a lifetime

>>688127267
So basically I'm deadpool?

>>688124612
Ability to push massive am out of weight

You can only do it in the push up position, making it seem like your doing push ups and not moving the fucking globe a whole foot and a half

>>688127222
>>i have the power to turn any regressive progressive, dyed hair, daddy issue faggot into a decent functioning member of society


they have to vote for Trump

>>688127222
society is in africa

>>688127222
You inherit their "traits"

The ability to buy everything I want without the need to pay for it

>>688125272
you no longer have lungs

>>688126099
their thoughts are translated in a random language you can not understand.

>>688127295
>already fat so doesn't bother me

>>688127332
This does not include anything over 5$

>>688127051
it only works on people you share a mutual, respectful, loving, and sexual relationship, and the phrase is "hey hon, wanna fuck?"

>>688127332
but you have no friends

>>688125818
With an iq of 50

i have the ability to bring video game characters to life for whatever reason you like. but only for a short period of time. (couple minutes to a day or two)

>>688127332
you have to give everything to Goodwill

>>688127391
>but you have no friends
None of do anyways, come up with something better

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>>688127222
>every time you masturbate you grow more hair on your back


I want this power

>>688127429
from atari 2600

>>688127370
multiple super heros that have converted themselves into pure energy eventually over load and die
>your energy gives anyone near you terminal cancer

>>688127375
>proceed to buy a metric fuck ton of lotto cards at $5 a pop

>>688127391
>you have no friends
Even in reality, I would chose any material possession over my friends every day in the week

>>688127332
you can only keep what you buy for 5 mintues and they must be returned (if you used your power to get it)

>>688127332
u may only shop at street markets for the rest of your life

>>688127429
you must fight them

>>688127222
the society they function decently in is a communist utopia, your powers create enough proletarian consciousness to overthrow the government and trump is never elected. golden ending.

the ability to appear undeniably beautiful to anyone of your choosing.

>>688127528
>hookers
>only needed 2 minutes anyway

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Ability to never fall into gorilla cage at ZOO

>>688127205
Underrated

>>688127326
i seriously think that'd be worth it. if i could end this madness i'd take aids skrillex's hairline, big red's temper and anita sarkeesians intellect, take a last look on a better world and shoot myself in the head

>>688127590
you cant speak with them if you use your power on them

>>688127590

....but you smell like fritos and urine

>>688127522
fine....then you get incurable blue waffle

>>688127634
You're a nigger

>>688127634
but you have to be white

>>688127590
but you are 1ft tall

ability to eat 100 bananas at once

>>688127634
You're completely immune to gravity and float away.

>>688127737
Only when they're brown and disgusting

the power to synthesize any physical thing out of nothing.

>>688127737
you have no dick

>>688127323
Not negative?

>>688127737
Many men see you and you are forced to deepthroat them

>>688127777

>>688127737
>>688127737
ur name is harambe

>>688127332
the debt is passed on to whoever of the people you love has the least money

>>688127801
But it can't have more mass than your body

>>688127634
>>688127590
>>688127332

but you are a nigger

the ability to persuade any person you want to take on any view youd like.

>>688127471
you'd be the star of every bear party

>>688127914
but you are a nigger

>>688127801
only works when you are assfucked

>>688127801
equal amounts of particles are removed from your dick every time you do.

>>688127801
but you are a nigger

>>688127862
not even that bad.
i would just synthesize in a "modular" kind of fashion. or just synthesize my weight in gold when i need cash for something with more mass than i

>>688127858
Lol,fuck 'em

>>688127429
They know you're a weeb, and treat you thusly.

the power to always successfully steal any thing you want with 100% no getting caught rate.

>>688127998
Or you could synthesize a bunch of 100$ bills

>>688128040
but you are a nigger

>>688127737
no downside

>>688128076
You can't steal anything that you actually want to have

>>688127801
requires knowledge of the thing on an atomic scale

>>688127914
Only works on one person and only once

>>688127914
it takes hours and hours to convince them, enough that most people would just tell you to fuck off before it worked

>>688128076

...but you can only steal from burger king

you have the strength of marvels beyonders

>>688127332
upon obtaining the objects of desire, you are overcome by an irresistible urge to shove it up your anus. if it is too big to physically fit, you find yourself rubbing your asscrack on it all the time

the ability to absorb any particle / chemical into your body out of thin air for your bodies use

aka never have to eat or drink or breathe again.

>>688126658
Just always teleport 1000 meters below the target

>>688128322
every time you use your strength, your head bobs back and forth really fast and you make an 0 with your mouth.

>>688127142
Idiot, it has to make the superpower worthless.

>>688128076
it works by making everyone but you forget the thing exists completely, so no one will be able to buy it from you

>>688128348
it randomly takes from people around you when you don't realize your low on energy

>>688127308
lel

>>688128348

...you have to fart almost nonstop

>>688128348
you still need proper nutrition, all your food must now be vaporized

>>688127901
And get shot when you leave the store

Power to change stuff into other things

>>688128486
that just means i get to decide the value on wahtever i steal you dingus.

>steal clever technology
>sell it back to original owners who have forgotten all about it and think im a genius

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>>688128405
LMAO
first time i have laughed while on /b/ in a long long time

>>688128581
you don't know what stuff turns into what things you just start using your power and hope for the best

the power to turn anything you want into the dankest weed

>>688128581
all things are penis shaped and you don't realize it

>>688128624
I'll take that

I can have orgasm at any given time or place without masturbation or sex.

>>688127332
but Johnny Depp leaves you for someone less crazy.

>>688128581
it costs you an arm and a leg.

>>688128643
can never find a lighter

>>688128715
its the ONLY way you can orgasm.

>>688128643
the weed is wet and never drys out.

>>688128756
hell on earth.

or i could use matches.

>>688128715
your loads are at least seven gallons

>>688127737
But you are allergic to bananas

>>688128643
Must recharge your power by eating dog feces

>>688128595
i meant that the object permanently disappears from everyone else's perception and memory
>they forget the tech exists as soon as they stop looking at it
>as a consequence forget the deal they had with you
>you never get paid

>>688128806
ya but ya know matches suck

>>688128715
instead, the triggers are the sight of water and other people coughing

>>688127801
But you have to sleep for 48 hours after doing it. Often, you notice crusty semen in your ass hairs. Your room mate denies it, but you see videos of him fucking someone on his myspace. You don't recognize yourself from that angle, but you are pretty sure it's you.

Also, flatmate has herpes.

omnipotence

>>688128866
are you stupid?

if i steal a computer.
everyone in the world will forget it.

then i go on stage and unveil my brand new invention, the computer. show them what it is and how it works ect... they see how valuable it is and buy it off me for a zillion buckaroos.

>>688128348
but you are a dog

>>688129014
>>688129014
you live in a universe where nothing matters in the end with a lifespan of 3 years.

>>688129026
everyone at your unveiling leaves with the idea of what a computer is and a hole in their memory as to where they got that idea from

>>688129014
the bad shit that happens stands out more then anything else
i would hate omnipresence

>>688128643
but you have to remember how, and you smoke a lot of weed.

>>688129070
that would be the most badass dog dude. not even useless.

>>688129014
No control over your unlimited power.

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I can heal from any injury in a matter of nanoseconds

>>688128715
but only when you are wearing your mother's lingerie (I actually have this power and it is overrated).

>>688129154
>hole in their memory as to where they got that idea from
why the hell would they forget the unveiling tho?

>>688128076
every time you steal something it takes five years off your life

>>688129176
Until he gets vivisected when scientists try to figure out how it works.

>>688129218
But the injury kills you instantly

>>688129218
Healing is imperfect causing rampant cancers to inflict you. Cancer doesn't classify as an 'injury'.

>>688129014
You are incredibly apathetic and prone to uncontrolled fits of genocidal rage and you occasionally need to rape teens and need to come up with a cover story.

>>688125964
...why...has nobody replied to this?

>>688129218
your body overproduces skin cells when not healing your body causing the worst case of eczema ever seen by science

>>688129218
>>688129218
all injuries heal into another butthole

The ability to always draw something perfectly as I picture it.

>>688129014
but the universe you are in has no time.

>>688129377
it speaks for itself

>>688129272
>keep it a secret
duh anon are you 12?

>>688129218
all instant healing replaces the space between lost or damaged tissue with gross scar tissue. it works but its weird lookin and too much of it in one place starts to ache

>>688129218
Self harm is boring. Never get to enjoy BSDM to the full.

>>688129422
no one will ever love you for anything but your art

>>688129422
the only way you can draw is with your own feces on the walls of commercial buildings

>>688129422
You can draw only with a sharp brush inside your dick

>>688128715
You moan unbelievably loud. Like, borderline yelling

>>688129422
you are captured by the mob and chained into a dungeon
or
no one can ever know you drew it

>>688129422
You have insect eyes and you picture it very poorly

>>688129560
>no one can ever know you drew it
I wouldn't actually mind that one. Could be cool actually, no mob tho.

Lets go with a classic.

Super Strength.

The power to herp and derpa derp.

you can generate as many genetic clones of anyone as you want with no harmful side effects

The ability to see through clothing

>>688124612

samefagging without reCaptcha and without being caught

>>688129674
your puny human bones snap from the pressure your incredible muscles exert on them

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>>688129381
Already have exzema. FML.

Power not having a power

>>688129674
only fuled by drinking fresh urine

>>688129690
no downside possible

>>688129729
cant ever cut it off

>>688129704
The clones come out more likable, smarter, and better looking than you

>>688129704
But you will be killed by creationists

>>688129557
kek

>>688129742

You can't go on any board except /mlp/

>>688129729
can't turn it off. over time the naked human body becomes totally ordinary and nonsexual to u

>>688129742
but no one will ever know

>>688129690
but only when you derp your herp derpa

>>688129750
i did too, use dandruff shampoo for a few months, mine just kinda went away

>>688129674
Glass cannon

>>688129729
only works on people above the age of 85