>>688058891

I make videos that are opinion pieces where I ramble on about subjects that I pick out of a hat every week.

That being said, you're asking a fucking lot. There's no way I'm funny enough to not have my life ruined by you fuckers.

Should I /b/?
I have a little shit cousin over, should I broadcast him?

>>688060537
Very much yes.

>>688060706
I will setup the livestream.

>>688058891
itt: bad comic OP wants to steal new material

>>688060760
Keep the bread all bumped

>>688058891
I don't give a fuck who you are or where you live. You can count on me to be there to bring your fucking life to a hellish end. I'll put you in so much fucking pain that it'll make Jesus being nailed to a cross in the desert look like a fucking back massage on a tropical island. I don't give a fuck how many reps you have or how tough you are IRL, how well you can fight, or how many fucking guns you own to protect yourself. I'll fucking show up at your house when you aren't home. I'll turn all the lights on in your house, leave all the water running, open your fridge door and not close it, and turn your gas stove burners on and let them waste gas. You're going to start stressing the fuck out, your blood pressure will triple, and you'll have a fucking heart attack. You'll go to the hospital for a heart operation, and the last thing you'll see when you're being put under in the operating room is me hovering above you, dressed like a doctor. When you wake up after being operated on, wondering what ticking time bomb is in your chest waiting to go off. You'll recover fully from your heart surgery. And when you walk out the front door of the hospital to go home I'll run you over with my fucking car out of no where and kill you. I just want you to know how easily I could fucking destroy your pathetic excuse of a life, but how I'd rather go to a great fucking length to make sure your last remaining days are spent in a living, breathing fucking hell. It's too late to save yourself, but don't bother committing suicide either... I'll fucking resuscitate you and kill you again myself you bitch-faced faggot. Welcome to hell, population: you.

>>688060918
Gotta admit, that's pretty funny. Not OC though.

>>688060918

what he said

>>688060865
I'm not any kind of comic. I'm just tired of fuckers thinking they are funny. But sure, I'd steal a joke or two for a party if it's good. You wouldn't?

Get in here faggots
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ySBNU4Vd64c

>>688061423
GET IN FOR THE 14 YEAR OLD SHOTA

>>688061423
How do you keep a group of idiots in suspense?

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MFW look at that faggot.

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Finally call /b/s bluff. Ain't no one posting.

Sorry faggots, my cousin noped out from the livestream

I can make you laugh. I have a story, keep thread alive so I can green text it.

You don't think this is oc? Google it.

The other day I'm watching NPR, a documentary on cats. Like ancient Egyptian cats. But before this cat shit gets started, the announcer, announcer, like what word would you use? Do we even have something like this? That's like calling the guy at the hotel who checks you in a concierge. Anyway, the guy says that this program was made possible by people like me.

People like me? People like me are putting money toward ancient Egyptian cat documentaries? Shit naw.

People like me put money toward kush on the weekend. Someone come up to me and say, hey, Anon, can you spare $4 for some cat documentary? Shit. He'd be lucky to get to the next block people overhear that shit.

People like me. People like me ask why Garfield hates Mondays. It's not like Monday any different than Tuesday or Sunday for Garfield. Wake up, kick Odie, eat John's Lasagnia, like, what's Monday to this cat?

Continued if requested.

>>688064602
Just start typing it.

> be me
> be 14
> new step mom/ step sis
> we go camping on a local island
>about an hour in, stomach hurts
holdinginshit.jpg
>finally ask dad where bathroom was
>anywhere.
>no I have to poop
>oh, theres an outhouse down that trail
>follow trail
>open outhouse door
>spiderwebs everywhere
>spider eys come from toilet
>It's waiting
>Bones of previous spider victims in toilet
>slam door
>nope out of there
>You find it?
lie.exe
> I am going for a swim
>grab goggles

It's bad guys, I'm ashamed of what happens next, but gotta split it up so it doesn't go over limit.

>>688058891
A few weeks ago I saw some faggot british comedian on the Graham Norton show steal the old 4Chan joke about the guy on a cruise ship that had a large hit that wouldn't flush and tried to tell his non english speaking housekeeper about it. Then he drags her over and says look as he tries to flush and of course it goes down just fine. Lame joke, but the nigger stole it.

>>688064868
this requires a two drink minimum and a warm up act. it might play at open mic if you don't go up first. going up first is brutal.

>>688065267
>pretend I am looking under water
>get 100 ft out
>safe enough
>keep looking under water
>Pull down pants
>breathing through those J tube things
>pretend I found something interesting because I am literally motionless shitting
> I didn't plan this correctly.
>Floater. Fuck.
>Get assraped by own feces while waiting for it to water log itself.
>by this time, 10 year old step sis decides she wants to see what I found
>OHGAWDIDIDN'TPLANRIGHT
>Literally nothing but sand
>Pray
>poop waterlogs
> sinks to bottom as she get's there and I slide pants up.
>She asks what I was looking at
>Oh, uh, (only thing in site is shit on the sand)..that weird looking thing.
>Before I can stop her
>She dives under
>she grabs it
>I slap it from her hands
couldbepoisoness.lie

My 10 year old stepsister grabbed my feces because I am retarded.

>>688065691
I saw that too. 1) shit was lame, but 2) these days, everyone knows that shit was jacked and that comedian will have to wear his shame for the rest of his days.

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>>688058891

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>>688058891
>Pro tip: you can't.

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>>688060918
Welcome to hell population: you

Wow that's edgy

>>688058891
I... did... my best.

http://vocaroo.com/i/s0ZqvnLT5yU7

>>688066013
Couldn't believe he tried to pass it off as his own.

>>>688061334
You're a real piece of Shit. You know that?

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>>688066189

>>688066511
Are you kidding? It's the only thing I can count on.

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>>688066189
Not bad.

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>>688066643

Pretty easy to be a comedian now days. People are retarded. If you want to break into comedy the best way is angry guy/ insult comedy. It is often the easiest and funniest to write.

>>688066003
not terrible on demand like that.

>>688067131
Cool story. Prove it. Be funny.

>>688067131
Then tell us some jokes anon

>>688067239
That happened to me though..That wasn't a joke, I am just retarded

>>688067264
I aint going to write your fucking material for you. And no matter what I write, you be like this shit aint funny. Not to mention that delivery of a joke is often more important the the actual material. Take Norm McDonald for instance. He delivery and story telling are unmatched, but often his jokes are not that funny told by someone else.

http://vocaroo.com/i/s1FMSjFuXlv2

i went the easy way

>>688067920
His jokes aren't funny told by him. But yeah, don't come on here saying comedy is easy as hell and then act like I'm butt-raping you to ask you to tell a joke. Believe me, I'm not after your material. It simply isn't good enough. So don't come on here saying comedy is easy unless you're prepared to prove it.

>>688068177
>http://vocaroo.com/i/s1FMSjFuXlv2
Good. Solid. Needs a little fluff to make a solid routine, but you're getting there.

funny thing is funny demanders is that comics'shit is rehearsed material culled over months or years dropped into old material and tried out at shitty little clubs no one ever hears about and is verboten to record at.
if you see a chris rock show in dallas it is the same show u will see in detroit almost word for word.
comics arent funny people on demand either they are actually depressives and asswipes.
now u want fuckin comedy ill record a night at a local nigger cc and u will see what happens there."i shot that muhfucka cuz he was in my shits!"?
thunderous applause and laughter .some of those guys just fuckin tank onstage,badly but u want to see crazy shit i can deliver that get some oc on b for once.

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Ill be here all night

http://vocaroo.com/i/s18eceHSM7bi

>>688068276
Alright, here is an older one I sold. Go ahead a shit all over it.

Did you hear about Matt Damon recently getting in trouble for trying to lecture a black women about racism?

Did you hear about that?

That would be like me trying to tell the Kardashins how to be gold digging cock sucking whores.

http://vocaroo.com/i/s1cbv0rIdq76

>>688068925
Sell that to Leno?

>>688069093
>http://vocaroo.com/i/s1cbv0rIdq76
Finally!

>>688068925
You didn't sell that

>>688069361
Was it good or bad?

I have another joke, but it's horrible.

>>688068925
Did you sell that to Jenny Slate?

No one itt is funny or can do stand up

>>688069150
All insult comedy has kind of that phrazing and cadence. It like a mid lib.

I haven't seen a _____________, since a ______ed a _______ with a __________.

Go watch a comedy roast. It is the easiest and lowest form of comedy, but dammit if it is not usually the funniest.

>>688069650
It was a fucking start, man. It was something. It was heads and tails above anything else posted so far. Was it great? No. But it shows promise.

>>688068925
>http://vocaroo.com/i/s1cbv0rIdq76
that's not even a joke that's just insulting people that pretty much everyone already hate

like if you dropped the cock sucking it might've sounded better but that just sounds like you've got some personal vendetta against one of the kardashians

are you 16

>>688069093
you're good at observational comedy and comedic timing but you should pick something more common of a surprise than a spider on your dick, like cockroaches turning out to have wings or something. i'm just spitballing here.

>>688069684
I can't say, but like I said, the easiest comedy to do if you are just getting started is insult comedy or the outraged angry guy comedy. Look how far it got unfunny hacks like Amy Shummer or Seth McFarland.

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>>688069747
That's actually a nice formula. I haven't seen a dick since a waterboarded a monk with a pasta.

Pure gold.

>>688069793
Cool, thanks. I think it works better when I get to move around, I was sitting, and I can't really get into it. Unfortunately, I have no test bed for my comedy, I live in a small town, no open mic nights.

>>688070510
thanks

>>688070526
Neither of them do insult comedy or angry guy comedy

>>688070526
True that. They are unfunny hacks.

>>688069747
true it is lcd.situational is best and the type that is self deprivating but like someone said earlier timing masters like norm mcdonald add another facet

If any of u unfunny losers thinks comedy is easy sign up for an open mic in your town. Guaranteed you will bomb or forget your jokes and choke.

>>688070705
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1HaCxf6ZWKa

samefag

>>688071293
U blow

>>688071293
that's a joke I want to tell with an all black audience. I think they would like it more.

>>688071379
Yeah, I don't do standup, im just funnin.

>>688070710
What??

Amy got her big break doing Comedy Roast and Seth did one as well, plus most of his gags on FG are insulting people and celebrities.

>>688071293
>http://vocaroo.com/i/s1HaCxf6ZWKa
Again, good. And by comparison, great. But there are things to work on like pitch, volume, and timing. But you could and should totally find a mic night.

>>688071572
Yeah, my pitch volume and timing is horrible. Gotta fix it, but I think the content is somewhat good. (or at least, I find it funny - just not so much when I say it)

>>688071572
No one itt should even attempt comedy or even try to be the funniest person at school or work

>>688071861
Yeah u suck

>>688071954
Yeah, because people hate to laugh.

>>688071861
Now that you have hecklers, you should put them in their place. :) I'd watch a routine of yours.

>>688068909
wtf

>>688059955
Lul

>>688072055
People love to laugh. It's just that no one in here could make any one laugh.

Someone broke into my car the other day while I was at a movie. The shittiest thing was it was the new Marvel movie, the civil war one. I spent two hours being sold this idea where if someone does something bad, I can solve it by shooting up and going ape-shit on their ass. I mean, think about it, that's what Civil War's message is. So I see this kid stole my ten-year-old stereo from my twenty year old car, and I've got all this testosterone that's built up from when I was staring at a screen eating milk-duds. But the only thing I can do is throw my hands up and say, "shit." Of course, that's the big moment for my 7-year old and he can't get enough. So on the bright side, I lost my custody rights.

>>688072612
Exactly. So let's never try. Ever. Let's just twiddle our thumbs while preacher tells us good from bad thoughts. Excellent.

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http://vocaroo.com/i/s0To7ewH6GzI

>>688070894
just takes time if thats what u wanna do bombing and eating shit is part of the program.
ive done it for shits not much recently but last year about twice a month.
dont forget much because i mostly do stories true ones from college a d differences in ways kids party now and back then.
ex:bongs back then you go to the woods and find a piece of bamboo cut it off and stick a bic pen near the bottom theres ur bong.now u can get bongs of every description and type online.I thought id seen it all till i saw a bong in the shape of a dick.dick yep is the main bong and at the bottom a bowl sits on the balls.so i think main market for this are the actress contributors to pornhub.com but not only do u not have to make ur own bong,you can then fuck it after you get high and if you are feeling u sanitary also acts as a dooche.
anyway that one alone ive spent 8-15 mins on the details u add is what makes it funny plus physical delivery.
just many ways to go with it-say ur a dude and u are sparking up and ur gf brings in a dick bong to add some /b/ to it you look up lighter in hand and say"i aint suckin on that nigga."

>>688073083
U suck. Imagine telling someone this "joke" irl and them just staring blankly back at you.

>>688073205
Idk what that means but you're not funny and will never be funny

>>688073352
Never do stand up again

>>688073358
I can imagine you staring blankly at me. But that's probably what you do when anyone speaks to you.

>>688073352
I like it.

>>688073298
We're doing voices?

>>688071444
samefag. I think im better at pretending to be other people than myself.

>>688073647
Your joke has no clear set up, premise or punchline

>>688073807
http://vocaroo.com/i/s0nAUnryj82X

derped it, forgot to link

>>688073420
You don't know what that means, and therefore you don't find it funny. That's like when you bought a hooker for your autistic son. He doesn't get it man. It's not his fault. Like, buy him some legos.

>>688073721
No

>>688073830
Your face has no set up or premise.

>>688073955
Yeah, I do.

>>688073908
Still not funny. You'll never make it. You don't have an ounce of comedic talent in you.

>>688073559
i hear laughs more than not so till that day when its crickets ill keep doin it

>>688074116
Stop lying

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My dream is to be a comedian. Everv since I watched George Carlin, when I was 6 years old I wanted to be a comedian. I wrote a joke that got posted in the newspaperv when I was 6. Then I did a three open mics one where I killed one where I was medioric and one where I chocked. I haven't done it since.

but personal insult shit like dice clay is absolute shit tier.just an angry asshole being an angry asshole.
for me i dont see funny in anger they are opposing emotions.
chris rock does it but its feigned and hes a little nigger so he gets away with it