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>>677692514

What a nasty pussy/butthole

garbage disposal

watermelon

>>677692514
Hand>pussy

>>677692514
You!

Your whore of a mother.

cheese grater

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>>677692514
>Dat Verruca

Disgusting

>>677692797
Good sex> Jerking off

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>>677692806

Your ass. Good luck with that, OP

Listen this fucking works. A banana peel no joke

>>677692514
That would be your asshole, asshole. It's closer than your mom's pussy after all.

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>>677692797
kissless betavirgin detected.

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>>677692682
I dont own one, and I want something that feels whole, like a womans body so I can hump that shit. I tried my couch but it doesnt work

>>677692514
The barrel of a gun wrapped around your lips

>>677693105
Yeah but who are we kidding here... real women are terrible at everything

>>677693588
A barrel of a gun can wrap around lips?

>>677693584
2 pillows pressed together, nice satin covers.... wow im 13 again.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZVm6YaEFF8

>>677694003
I swear to drunk I'm not god

>>677693584
then go fuck a woman, you fucking woman

>>677692514
Do you have any pets?

Any meat in the refrigerator?

>>677692514
any pets?

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>>677692514
any hole of your younger siblings or you as a character.

>>677692514
try dad

>>677692514
Your mum's pussy

>>677692514
Buy a dog

>>677692514
do you live with any female relatives?

>>677693202
pls someone post the banana greentext.

bend your dick around and fuck your own asshole

>>677692514

here you go my man, you can thank me at the end of this godlike post

> pringles/lays stax can
> piece of foam pad
> a condom (extra large)
> something heavy, round and flat

1. open your condom and unroll it
2. drop your heavy thing to the bottom so the weight stretches the condom out
3. cut your foam pad to fit inside the chip can - not too tight, not too loose
4. place your condom in the middle of the foam pad with each end poking out the sides
5. roll the foam around the condom carefully, make sure the heavy thing is sticking out of the end
6. place your foam rolled condom into the pringles can
7. CAREFULLY stretch the condom over the rim of the can
> the foam should now look like a pussy
8. poke a hole in the bottom of the can for air flow
9. fuck the your chip can pocket pussy and re-evaluate your life

you're fucking welcome, virgin

>>677694282
>>677694448
I have an iguana

>>677692514
Watermelon but you'll want to warm it up some or some ham.

>>677692514
Why not just buy a pocket pussy on Amazon. It will never have the heat or smell of a pussy, but it does feel pretty realistic.

>>677692514
Dunno. Going to need a list of everything you have in your house

>>677692514
Pie

>>677692514
Your mom's twat... Trust me, it feels like pussy.

>>677695296
Can confirm it works, just make sure you use lube

>>677692514
Your mom.

>>677694142
Whaddafug did I just watch

>>677695652
good point - almost forgot about that

also, make sure to let off the air hole when you're pushing in and hold your finger on it when you're pulling out for max suction action fuck yeah

>>677693584
>I tried my couch but it doesnt work
>tried my couch
>couch

Nigga wat du fuax
Why are you so desperate

>>677695636
/thread

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>>677695350

>>677692514
handful of lotion
faggot

>>677692514
Do you have any bags of sand lying around?

>>677692514
> What is the closest thing that feels like pussy in my house.
You looking in a mirror?

>>677695470
Put your pocket pussy in the oven for just a little while to warm it up. Lick the back of your hand and sniff it for the smell of pussy.

>>677697068
I always suspected that pussy smelled like flaming hot cheetos.

>>677695350
Yeah that'll work. Just make sure you use lots of butter. You don't want to animal abuse

>>677692514
Literally nothing you underaged douchebag. That's why men have been ruining their lives for it since the beginning of time. Get gud, junior

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>>677695203

>>677697719
cant believe you said this, my ex once ate a bag of chili cheese fritos, ate her out like 30 mins later and it tasted and smelled like chili cheese fritos. No other food had any effect on the taste or smell. But those sure did.

Sandpaper

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dogs butt

My best advice OP is to just rub one out so you stop worrying about it. I bought one of those fleshlights, warmed in hot water, stuck in a shoe, and humped doggy felt very realistic, but its so much damn trouble I never use it. Ive owned a few pocket pussy things, I always wind up throwing them away, and a few years later getting bored and buying another. Just rub one out quick and you'll quit caring. Ill try to link to a cheap one I had a while ago that felt the best.

>>677695296
Got a pic of what it's supposed to look like?

>>677700655
here you go man, felt just as good as the fleshlight I spent twice as much for. Most realistic one Ive used. Warm it in a bucked or sink of hot water for a few mins.

>>677701110
shite meant to post link here...http://www.adameve.com/adult-sex-toys/male-masturbators/sp-secret-passage-masturbator-14002.aspx

HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN HOW TO MAKE A FLESH LIGHT OUT OF CORNSTARCH?
google fleshlight- cornstarch

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>>677692514

>>677701413
Ive tried it several times and never got it right (not op) but Ive seen it, and I could not get it to work.

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>>677692514
Make you a fifi nigga

Your ass

>>677701712
you're going to need to microwave for more than a minute says the author / maker of this device.
-read the comments below. he says to just keep microwaving until its hard and dry. never tried this myself.
http://chinalert.com/2010/09/13/make-your-own-fleshlight/

also there's this guy who fucked this up somehow.
http://kernelmag.dailydot.com/issue-sections/features-issue-sections/10427/how-to-make-fleshlight/

>>677692514
If you gonna put a pussy picture, have some fucking taste, you fucking discusting degenerate

>>677694142
i can't fucking find those gloves in the house, it's like my mom hides them or something

>>677693105
What about good jerking off?

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You got an Arby's near you, OP?

>>677695203
>try to put banana up butt.
>too sharp.
>use kielbasa and eat banana anyways.

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>>677702475
Gee I wonder why, you degenerate virgin

>>677702717
why. why did they do this?

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>>677702841
no u

>>677692714
kekekek

>>677702841
she prolly be all
>why do all my gloves keep disappearing.
>everyone wanna keep they hands clean or someshit.
>>mom doesn't know you're fucking them. or hey. maybe she does and has seen you jacking it, like most good moms.

>>677703149
>that's my baby, always jackin off on mah housewears

>>677703149
nah, haven't tried a single time, and never do when parents are home anyway.

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>>677703017
NOOOOO YOUUUUU

>>677692514
your sister

or your brothers asshole

>>677703547
i used to jack it all the time when my parents were home and i was a kid. i had fucking 4 brothers.
shit, i jack it now when my roomates or frankly people are in my apartment and im in my late 20's.
what am i going to masturbate in the bathroom like a child. im not fucking anyone right now. this is my apartment ill jerk off where and when i please thank you.

>>677703733
uh...yeah can we check 'em, just right quick.

>>677704070
that's the spirit! now cum on everything they own to assert dominance

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>>677692514
>two slabs of raw chicken/fish
>stick them between your mattress and your box spring
>go balls deep
>????
>profit