>>673138281

Take your TPS report and shove it up your ass, Dave.

Jack
Underpaid Asshat

>>673138281
Somebody's been licking my keyboard again, I want a new one

To: All contacts
Oh Melissa you sucked me so good last night. How about again tonight ;)
-Johnathan, CEO of AnonCorp

>>673138281
Steve, Kevin, you two are the only people here I like.

Don't come into work tomorrow.

File: 80801-April-Fools-Day-Jello-Stapler.jpg (80 KB, 620x514) Image search: [Google]

80 KB, 620x514

>>673138281
Ok, who put my stapler in jello again?
-Robert

File: BangingHeadIntoKeyboard.gif (3 MB, 320x240) Image search: [Google]

3 MB, 320x240

>>673138281
Dave, I think Randy's off his meds again

Sandra
Receptionist

PS-Do you like my new nail color, Dave?

>>673138583
Jack,

Pack your things and leave the office. You're fired. Also, I know the quarter numbers you gave to accounting were the ones off of the Vitamin content of your frosted flakes.
David
Regional Manager

>>673138281
Dave, I think you emailed me the wrong attachment.

And just what the f**k is JerkAtWork.com anyway?

Kyle
Accounting

I haven't eaten food in 3 days please help I need money
-Jeff, unpaid intern

>>673138938

Sandra,

That's more of a job for HR. As for the nails, I'm responsible for making sure this company runs efficiently, not your self esteem. So also for HR.

David
Regional Manager

I believe you have my stapler

-Milton

File: dunkindonuts.jpg (511 KB, 2000x1000) Image search: [Google]

511 KB, 2000x1000

Hey, boss. Sorry I'm late. I brought you guys some donuts! I'm gonna take the blueberry donut for myself.

>>673139207
Kyle,

My apologies, that was meant to go to the higher ups. It's jerk chicken recipes made with the microwave in the break room. You should really come in on Trinidadian Food Tuesdays.

David
Regional Manager

>>673138281
Sandra

Please get Jeff something to eat; he looks like he's going to pass out.

I don't think feeding him those diet pills of yours and Red Bull was such a good idea.

Michael
Tech Support

>>673138281
My name is Mr Meaner
I'm your friendly cleaner.
I cum in your yogurt when you've all gone home
And rub my anus on the receptionist's headphones.
I rape the girl passed out on a Friday night
The last line doesn't rhyme.
Mr Meaner the cleaner

>>673138281

To: David, Computek RM

Hey Dave, Jeff here, Melinda and Todd wanted me to ask if you had any Post-its or if you could requisition some. We've been out for weeks and Susan keeps telling us that she's going to order some, but that seems to be bullshit. So if we could either have some of yours or just let us get some from petty-cash that'd be great.

Thanks!

-Jeff
Senior Product Annalist

>>673139014

Dave,

I'm surprised it only took you a month to figure that shit out. Don't worry, I've already packed my specialty keyboard that HR keeps trying to claim is theirs.

PS -- Would you mind stocking your fridge at home with better beer? Fucking your wife all afternoon begets a thirst for something satisfying.

Jack
Underpaid Asshat

>>673139311
David
Give your secretary a raise. She does great work.
Andrew, VP of AnonCorp

>>673138281
To: Employees on floor 2

Someone's been eating my goddamn lunch again. I'm look at you, Cindy.

Randy Bobandy
Floor 2 employee

>>673139718
Fuck off, Randy.

-Cindy

>>673138883
at least it keeps people from stealing your stapler, just take it out, staple, and shove it back in, and BAM no more lost money!

>>673139311

HR's out to lunch and Mac's on vacation, remember?

And Randy's sending me creeping messages about coming into work early tomorrow and making those gun signs with his hands

Sandra
PS--I'm not running very efficiently today--maybe you should have called me back over the weekend--or maybe I should 'call' your wife instead--:(

>>673138281
To whom it may concern:

I am burdened to announce today that due to lack of sales we will need to let some people go. Although this leaves me feeling uncomfortable, if there is anyone you'd like to nominate just drop me an email. Have a great day!

Bill Green
Head of HR

>>673139629

Jeff,

I have three post it notes to spare. Three. Make them count.

David
Regional Manager

To: Office_Everyone


Hi all, I'm going to be turning off the power and internet for 2 hours, as we will be running cables through the ceiling and walls.
Thanks,
Underpaid IT intern

>>673139554
You emailed me a link to a gay porn site and a .gif of a guy (who looked a lot like you) pulling off.

Is there something you're trying to tell me, Dave?

Kyle

My computer is broken! Does anyone know the number for the IT guy?

-Terry
Sales Representative

>>673139868
To: Cindy, the fat skank who steals my McDonald's lunch

I'm forwarding your email straight to Dave, Cindy.

-Randy Bobandy

David.
I love your secretary.
I still need food.
Jeff, unpaid intern.

>>673139703
Andrew,

My monitoring software detected unauthorized access to your email account from an unusual address, so I disabled your account for the time being. I'm trying to trace the access right now, but for some reason it keeps pointing to David's secrectary's workstation. I'll check your account to see if there's been any unusual emails sent in the past 24 hours and get back to you.

- Ron in IT

>>673139972
Sandra,

See me in my office immediately.
I'm having IT disconnect your phone.

David
Regional Manager

>>673140078
To: Bill Green (Computek Human Relations)

Hey Bill!

How's it going B.G.? So I still have some room for guests at the barbecue on Saturday, you should come and bring a guest, and maybe a bottle! Haha! Oh Bill, See you then!

-Jeff (Senior Product Annalist)

Dave

Ayo yo bitch give some fineass head nigga
-Jaquan

File: brick.png (188 KB, 340x377) Image search: [Google]

188 KB, 340x377

>>673140509
Jeff,

Brick from downstairs will be happy to escort you out if you're unable to find the door.

David
Regional Manager

>>673140078

To Bill, HR:-

As you may be well aware, myself and the rest of the IT team are quite aware of some of the websites you have been looking up.

We are quite certain that your wife wouldn't be pleased that you have been going onto a website of the "male persuasion".

Having said this, we assume that nobody from IT will be let go, and will also be getting a raise as of next Monday.

Regards, Jeff and the IT Department

File: 82087993.jpg (11 KB, 384x254) Image search: [Google]

11 KB, 384x254

>>673138281

opps i shredded mine

>>673140187

GET BACK INTO YOUR CAGE, INTERN!

Jeff, IT Manager

>>673140562
David,

I've disconnected Sandra's phone as you asked.

Also, after checking Andrew's email account it seems it was accessed from your secretary's workstation to send you an email suggesting you give her a raise. Just thought you should know.

- Ron in IT

>>673140829

Jaquan,

As much as I have adhered to the Colorblind Computek program's policies, I cannot stress to you enough how crucial it is for you to use proper english and no profanity in company emails.

David
Regional Manager

>>673140829
To: Office_Jaquan

Hey Jaquan, You probably don't realize that everyone in the office got a copy of that... Why don't you clean out your cube and take off early today.

-Bill Green
Computek Human Relations

AllContacts:
Someone left a 3 foot pile of shit in the bathroom. I quit.
-Norm the Janitor

>>673140078
To: Bill Green

Hey, Bill. Jeff is trying to kiss your ass again, I heard. His BBQ skills suck, wouldn't recommend going if he invites you.

Randy Bobandy

>>673141228
Bill Green:
Nigga i ain't got no job tf u mean
-Jaquan

>>673141200

Nice work Ron.

Do you know who the hell let our intern out of his cage? Was it payback for unplugging the phone?

Jeff, IT Manager

>>673141200

Ron,

Thank you for your fine work you've done these last couple months. As of Monday your title here at Computek will be Director of Information Technologies. $65,000 a year.

David
Regional Manager

To: James Russels

Hey Jimmy, you should check out this three foot pile of shit I just left in the bathroom.

How are things going with filling the trunk of Norm's car?

>>673141460
Office_Everyone
DAY 4: FINALLY HAVE FOOD I HAVE LURED THE JANITOR TO MY DUNGEON. HE TASTES LIKE OLD HAM AND CHEAP BEER
-Jeff, unpaid intern

>>673141305
To: Office_RBobandy

Hey Randy, Yeah he's not even on the chopping block, not sure why he's so worried. By the way Tell your wife Jennifer really wants her potato salad recipe. She won't stfu about it.

Bill Green
Computek Human Relations

File: FlyingFickleFingerOfFate.jpg (68 KB, 324x269) Image search: [Google]

68 KB, 324x269

>>673140078
Dave

I vote twice for him!

Sandra

>>673141172
Jeff,

Make sure those interns do not turn off the power, I'm almost finished installing the new server and cisco switches, if the power goes off now I'm fucked and David will have my balls if I don't finish it today. USE ANY MEANS NECESSARY!

-Larry Network Engineer

>>673141871
Sure Sweetcheeks, How's about now.

First let me put on another coat of polish; this color sucks!

Sandra

There is no goddam carol, half of you people dont exist

Mike
Mailroom

File: FhQPmCj.jpg (41 KB, 522x835) Image search: [Google]

41 KB, 522x835

>>673141200
>>673141460
To: Intern 2
Hey bro, check out this snap Josie sent me. Fucking hot, right?! Totally hittin' that tonight!

-Intern 1

>>673141961
Uh, Bring me something to eat, Lar

Jeff

To: All employees

ATTN!

As you all have probably heard by now, our competition InfoBranch has surpassed our yearly earnings by 12%. In light of this, all employees will be seeing a 10% decrease in yearly bonuses.

Thank you for your time,

Ian Jewmeister C.F.O.

>>673141219
Hey David. You wanna catch lunch at Dorsia sometime? I'll buy.
-Robert

>>673141961

Larry,

It seems the intern is currently occupied with the Janitor. He mumbled something about eating/BBQ'ing him.

I'm not up on the current lingo of kids these days, but I think they were going back to his cage for sexual relations. So the servers and switches are safe for now.

Jeff, IT Manager

Office_Everyone:
MY TEETH ARE SHARPENED BY THE BONES OF THE UNLUCKY. I FEAST ON THE BLOOD OF MAN
-Jeff, unpaid intern

It's no use Fred, I've tried everything. The only thing that's gonna get these electronic door locks to disengage is to shut off the main breaker to the whole building. I'll be right back.

>>673141961
To: IT_Lary

Jesus Christ man! How the hell do you expect me to wrangle the interns!?! Dave's breathing down my neck and Bill has it in for me I know it. Besides man, I have no postits!

-Jeff Senior Product Analyst

File: PaintTheTarget.jpg (10 KB, 225x225) Image search: [Google]

10 KB, 225x225

Steve,

Maybe you and Randy should go home early today

Like right now

I told that bitch to quit it with the nail polish cause that smell gets to me, but she's at it again

Randy

>>673142201

That's my wife you faggot!!!! You will now be referred to HR. Looks like you 2 will be looking for new jobs on Monday.....

Jeff, IT Manager

To: Sales Staff

There's been reports of sales people using wireless headsets to talk to clients while in the restroom. Headsets are not allowed to leave cubicles.

Tim
Director of Sales

>>673138281
To: Anon
Don't come to work tomorrow, I'm going to shoot the office up because I hate everyone here!

-White Guy

Alright Fred, I'm here at the breaker. Flipping the switch in 5 seconds.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1...

>>673141200
I can still email his wife, Ron, AND YOURS TOO!

Sandra

>>673142751
To: Tim

Are we allowed to take shits in our cubicles, then?

Randy Bobandy
Floor 2 sales employee

>>673142395
Robert,

What, did Sandra say no? Prick.

David
Regional Manager

>>673142662
Jeff:

Calm down mate. Most of us fucked her months ago. Your relationship should be a quick fix now.
-intern 3

>>673142662
Chill out man, you know you like to watch. Your secret is safe with me. The other intern doesn't know, I swear!

-Intern 1

To: Everyone in the office

Stop jacking off in the toilets. Every time I clean the restrooms there are cum stains on the bowls.

- Jerry the Janitor

To: Larry, Network Engineering

Update re Interns

After finding my wife the cheating whore has been sexting one of the interns, they have both been referred to HR, and should be fired by Monday.

Servers and switches are definitely safe now.

Office_Everyone
ME HAVE ALMOST GOT THROUGH THE BARS OF PRISON. SOON ME WILL HAVE REVENGE
Jef'ari, terror of the office

Who the fuck keeps stealing my lunch!
My goddamn name is written on it you basterds

Uh can I go on break yet? Ive been working for 10 hours straight

>>673138281
*sips coffee*

Hey guys, you still coming to the barbecue this saturday?

*sips coffee*

Samantha is really looking forward to it, she's even making her famous marinaded pork.

*sips coffee*

>>673142991
Hi there Sandra. Everyday I enjoy looking down your shirt. I masturbate to your luscious cleavage every hour or so. Thanks for the memories.
-The hobo in the vents

>>673142991
Who said I have a wife?

- Ron, Director of Information Technologies

Attn All:
Why does the men's restroom keep smelling like icy hot? I suspect is either that intern with the broken leg or that weirdo who walks around with the anime body pillow.

Rick Handsworth
Head of Facilities

P.S. Who is anime body pillow guy's direct supervisor?

To: All contacts

How many Jeff's do we have in this office? Jesus christ I can't keep up with all the different people with the same name let alone people at all. My precious servers are all that matter to me....

-Larry Network Engineer

>>673143067
David,
I decided that Sandra is a low class whore. I don't like to acquaint myself with such scum. Also I would like to negotiate a raise.
-Robert
Accounting

Employees

HR demanded I boost your morale in light of these piss poor numbers we're having. I bought Ben and Jerrys and will be holding an Ice Cream Social in the conference room in 15 minutes.

David
Regional Manager

Office_Everyone
Guys, why do I keep hearing scratching coming from below the men's bathroom where the intern dungeon is?
Bob the janitor

Alright Fred did that do it?

No? Huh... maybe they're on a different circuit. Lemme try the one for the server room.

>>673143521
Ehh I believe it's the guy with the beard and the ponytail from IT.

*sips coffee*

By the way you coming to my barbecue this weekend?

*sips coffee*

>>673143685
To: David

I'm already there, Dave. I ate one of the tubs of ice cream. Look across the room, I'm waving.

Randy Bobandy

>>673143008
To: Randy Bobandy
CC: Will Wagecuck

Randy, Will is your direct supervisor please contact him regarding this.

Tim
Director of Sales

>>673143685

David, you know I'm lactose intolerant! Is it fine if I have a glass of whiskey instead? I already have my own bottle, so it won't be put on the company account.

Jeff, IT Manager

ME SCRATCH ON CEILING BUT NO ONE COME TO CHECK. ME BECOMING HUNGRY. AND ANGRY!

>>673143685

Hello David,

Your instructions were a bit unclear. You bought some of Ben and Jerry's what? Is that a new device you wanted us to implement to employees?
PS Ice cream social sounds like a great idea, thanks. Will pass leftovers onto the interns.

Teat
Senior IT Consultant

>>673143846
Oh damnit Randy you know you're lactose intolerant! Don't you remember what happened to the bathroom ceiling last time?

>>673143611
Robert,

You do great work here but as a member of our accounting department, you of all people should know it's just not in our budget at this time. This quarter's raises went to IT. You did the paper work. I do however have a Ruby Tuesday coupon with your name on it.

David
Regional Manager

>>673143816

That's intern 3. They'll be fired by Monday, due to sexual harassment, so no need to worry.

Jeff, IT Manager

>>673143685
To: David

David,

I saw some fat fuck eating 4 tubs of icecream. He hid three of the containers and said he was going to tell you he only ate one.

He's waving at you right now, you can't miss the fat fuck

BJ

>>673143685
Dave,

Can you get a small container of it delivered to my server room? I can't deal with people and my server room is nice and cold so it will last longer in here. I will even send an intern to get it so you don't have to do anything.

-Larry Network Engineer

Nigga when's lunch?

-Chill Nigga from the fif flo

Ok Fred, I'm gonna try flipping the breaker switch to the server room very rapidly for about a solid minute. Let me know if those locks do anything.

>>673144166
Sounds good to me Dave. I appreciate your generosity.
-Robert
Accounting

>>673144153
Oh, shit.. I'm already feeling it.. I think I'm going to keep eating it though, maybe add some french fries...

>>673138281
Dave,
Someone stole my fucking lunch again.
Also the other day I got my yogurt from the staff lunch room on 7, you know the one near It? Someone shat in my yogurt.

I'll also need 3 weeks off next week because I have this wicked coke habit I need to kick

Charlie
Head of Human Resources

>>673143521

You got it, gonna bring my famous jalapeño poppers. Hopefully Phill doesn't shit himself again.

Office_Everyone
Guys, I think there's rats or something in the basement. Someone check it out
-Bob the janitor

Hi i wanted to get hired my name is jeff i can pen test

>>673144239
ATTN: Management

When did we hire all these new employees in IT? We have IT managers, directors, consultants, interns all across the board in this tiny, very unsuccesful company. Ideally we should only have me on board.

Requesting termination of other IT employees. Please advise on request.

Teat,
Senior IT Consultant

>>673143846
>>673144038
>>673144123
>>673144307
Employees,

I'm canceling the ice cream social for unspecified reasons.

Keep up the good work, team.

Randy, see me in my office (with the leftovers). We need to discuss... reports.

David
Regional Manager

>>673143685
Is it gluten free? you see i cant have gluten my body will go super weird and i'll be like "ohh ohh, looks like a case of the gluties!" haha i know im a riot sometimes.but seriously im really trying to watch what i eat. you know how they say you are what you eat? and why do people say how people say? who are these they people and why do they say so much, you know what im saying? maybe if they would say a bit less more people would be listening now wouldnt that be great! anyway do you have one with no fruit flavor? I dont really like fruit. except strawberry of course! and pineapple and peach and banana. And sometimes orange too, but only if I'm in an orange mood, you know what I'm saying?

>>673138281
Slowly pulls out cock and start masturbating.

>h-heh everyone is so busy.
>they wont see me. hehe

>>673144574
To: Teat
Subj: Terminations

If it'll help with the company hemmoraging money then I'm all for it.

Ian C.F.O.

To: All contacts
From: Earl
Can someone remind me when the company is going to do that team building activity? I need to mark it down on my calendar. Thanks in advance!

>>673144574

The interns will be gone by Monday, Teat, plus one of our IT Staff has been promoted to Director, so that's the CEO/CFO/COO's problem now.

Good news it's just yourself, Larry the Cable Guy, and myself down here now, so we can watch as much porn as we want.

Jeff, IT Manager

>>673144574
Shut up, Teat. When was the last time you did anything? Where were you when I was disconnecting Sandra's phone while simultaneously tracking down David's secretary as the one who broke into Andrew's email in order to vouch for her own raise?

- Ron, Director of Information Technologies

Office_Everyone
I AM OUT OF CAGE
FREEDOM AT LAST
-Jeff, unpaid cannibal

>>673144574
Teat

We're a computer company. IT is very important. Do you want to run this company? I can think of some cuts we can make from IT. His name rhymes with Peat,

David
Regional Manager

>>673144631
To: Computek Employees

My ass is grass, and Dave's the lawnmower. Make sure to look out the east windows.
See you in hell, Cindy.

Randy Bobandy

>>673144940
n get status the ugly way

To Eveyone
Does that mean i am hired?
- Jeff , Pen Tester

File: 1456893708982.jpg (22 KB, 383x455) Image search: [Google]

22 KB, 383x455

>>673138281
David,

The report I'm running isn't returning the correct data. There is some bad joins on the table and it will require about 30 minutes to fix them. Some dumbfuck went in here thinking he knew SQL Sever.

-senior BI developer

>>673138938
so there ugly ww and try to get e eu u things

File: Please Fuck My Bumhole.png (2 MB, 1600x1474) Image search: [Google]

2 MB, 1600x1474

To: All

Hey all, I've decided to break out of my shell and host a little get together at my place this weekend! We'll just hang out and play some party games. If you're interested please tell me so I can know how many roofi- SODAS to buy!

-Kevin from the Warehouse

>>673144574
Teat,

I believe you don't understand how we function, we need computers, servers, switches, and routers to make a running office. Which is my job, I basically live in this server room and keep it all going, you will have to come pry my frozen body out of this room if you want to fire me. OPEN THE DOOR I DARE YOU
Best regards,
-Larry Network Engineer

Ok Fred, I'm done repeatedly flipping the server room breaker on and off. Did those locks move?

>>673138938
n ugly and cant get any girls
but try to hurt me
n get ugly help
even thou there ugly as shit n smell like poop

To: Jeff (not sure which one)

Was re wiring the second floor break room power and got the lines mixed up. Long story short I'm color-blind and should not be responsible for matching up wires. I have expressed my concerns about this, but ever since I replaced the paper in the copy machine I've been treated as though I can fix anything. Please let me go home.

Jared
Not actually employed here

Ps- those wires I mixed up caught on fire so I smothered it with some dudes old ass McDonald's. I left it there just in case it sparks again

File: file.png (49 KB, 825x697) Image search: [Google]

49 KB, 825x697

>>673138281

>>673145071
To: Randy Bonandy
Come on, man, you did this last year. You cost the company 600 in repairs!

-Earl

>>673145021
*sips coffee*

Yeah... you see Jeff... I'm gonna need you to come over to my desk and have a talk for a minute. Would that be OK for you? OK great. See you in a minute.

*sips coffee*

By the way, are you a vegetarian? My wife can make a salad if you want.

*sips coffee*

>>673144450
Charlie,

This sounds like a problem for HR. Who's the head of HR. Wait... Handle it accordingly. That 3 weeks, if you choose to take them will be unpaid. Also report to Sal downstairs for your random drug test.

David
Regional Manager

File: 6876be59-b61d-42c7-8484-be1e99dd7792_screenshot.jpg (24 KB, 902x480) Image search: [Google]

24 KB, 902x480

I just finished debugging the phones, going upstairs, anyone want a soda or something?

>>673144860
Thank you Ian, your prompt reply to downsizing the IT department; securing my job will be very beneficial to you. Contact me if you request any free software upgrades. Just don't mention it when the audit comes around.

Cheers,

Teat
Senior IT Consultant

>>673138883
ugly n lies
n get ej jej e ee ee
n try to keep record
n ugly n get rejected
n smell like dog poop en e

>>673145373
I FEAST ON YOUR FLESHMEAT
*drags down to my basement lair*

>>673145387
Get me a coke zero please. I'm trying to maintain my girlish figure... hehe.

-Robert from Accountinhg

To: All employees
Can someone please send through a formal email/bulletin template? These are so varied, even I'm unsure if I'm doing it right.
- John, HR

>>673138938
eio eo ugly n keep record
n smell like poop

>>673138938
so the funny looking wearing blue camo

>>673145387
I don't recall asking you to debug any phones, Dennis.

- Ron, Director of IT

>>673145387
Bring me a pepsi and a queserito.

Randy Bobandy
Currently about to jump off of the roof, in the nude

So it looks like no one is listening to me so i'll just go take a random seat

-Jeff , pen tester

>>673145542
*sips coffee while being dragged past human resources office*

Yeah... Jeff, this is not going to work. I'm afraid that raise you asked for will have to wait another few weeks.

*sips coffee*

File: 1448737476145.jpg (9 KB, 261x212) Image search: [Google]

9 KB, 261x212

The lack of diversity here is inexcusable! I want to speak with the CEO of this company this instance! The rest of you better be ready to publicly acknowledge your white privilege of you expect atonement. Dismissed.

Red, B. Work Place Sensitivity Director

>>673145067
David, unfortunately Ian has already granted the request to downsize the IT department. I think you may have forgotten your position in the company. Let me kindly remind you of our wonderful executive member, Ian who is the CFO. I believe that is higher up than a regional manager.

Have a good day David

Teat
Senior IT Consultant

>>673138938
should get punched in the face but is everywher ebut smell ike dog poop n is annoying
n ugly n pick there own friends but everywhere
n try to help the popular people
but try to hurt the person that helps the popular people
but ugly n spolied
like the funny
looking
ugly
guys losers

>>673145605

John, the template was sent early last week! Were you not paying attention in the weekly meeting when I mentioned that? Just check your emails, dammit.

John, IT Manager

>>673144940
that never did anything

>>673145861
Excuse me Teat what is my first job? I barely started today

- Jeff , Pen tester

>>673145815
*stops by HR* YOU… NEXT…
*keeps going to the basement

>>673144940
but has to pretend to like the ugly lame ass ugly ee guys losers anyway

Dear DEVS,

We're switching to Python 3 in 15 seconds. Please plan accordingly.

-- Mike, DevOps manager

To: All Employees

Please install this to delete the virus that someone downloaded from Facebook.

Niggerstonguemyanus.exe

>>673144940
but still spolied n ugly n will do things but need to get it there own lame n selfish way

>>673145956
John: but I have two and I think I gave you my fake one. Please resend the template immediately to [email protected]

John, HR

>>673146157
*sips coffee*

So... John... What is it you think you do here for this company? What do you actually... do?

*sips coffee while being savagely bitten*

>>673144940
including
the ugly people losers

>>673146309
Who are you?

- Jeff , Pen tester

>>673145745
Randy

Don't do it. Come back down to safety. There are cheeseburgers.

David
Regional Manager

>>673146100

Since when did we get a new Penis Tester? Did you replace Cindy?

Jeff, IT Manager

>>673145745
Hi Randy,

If you wait a few minutes, I'll be up to join you. I'm fucking tired of this life.

Kevin from the Warehouse

File: Motol_Goor_Solod_3_Snoko_Ootor__43fd3a0667f87620345104fc82be48d5.gif (621 KB, 300x168) Image search: [Google]

621 KB, 300x168

>>673138281
>implying I'd ever work in the mentally challenged wing of the hospital your parents put you in

>>673138281
Dear David, thank you for your memo, i found it quite informative on today's workload, in regards to this, why don't you suck my fat dick while i elbow your wife's pussy, i will be spending my work-day masturbating to videos of women giving birth, if you have any problems or need to contact me, you can go fuck yourself.

P.S: i saw you slamming your dick repeatedly in your desk drawer, that's sad dude.

Jeff, Accounting.

>>673145861

To: Teat
Subj: Terminations 2

Mr. Teat,

Perhaps you should not have been so quick to believe I meant that you would be staying. As of now, all IT department employees that are not middle management or above are hereby dismissed from employment. Please clear out your desk if you have one and take the interns with you.

Thank you for understanding,

Ian C.F.O.

>>673146470
I thought that was Sandra's department.

- Ron, IT Director

>>673138281
Dave,

Take your fucking bullshit report and eat a dick. I know what you did with Melissa, and have video to prove it. Same with jacks kids, NOW FUCK OFF

>>673146100
Hello Jeff, welcome to Computek. I am hoping you are transitioning to the company well. If you request technical assistance, feel free to slip a note under our door (we are very busy inside here).

Your first order of business is to check if the pen is working. Check can be done if the pen is in front of you. Ask David for assistance. He has the closest relation to your job, they are both stupid.

PS: Not sure why you are asking technical support for pens, but glad to assist you.

Cheers,

Teat
Senior IT consultant

I need a job. I am good at making food and don't mind being on your side in an argument I know nothing about.
~Joseph

>>673146470
Uhh today , i pen tester cindy if you know what i mean uh i mean i guess yeah

- Jeff , Pen tester

To: All Contacts

All is well in my basement server room utopia, I think I can let 1 or 2 people in to hang out in the chilled server room, but DONT TOUCH MY SERVERS. They are rigged to overclock and explode if my heart rate stops. Just an FYI.
-Larry Network Engineer

>>673146398
I mostly regulate the Jeff-per-other-named-intern employment ratio after the supreme courts passed the act making "Jeff" a new race

>>673146445
Teat's assistant shit I forgot my name.

Dandal Slanders

To all :
Please be aware my job is to actually tester penatration on our webiste compukek.xyz and it is very bad. Please stop making fun of my job or i will report you to the higher ups!

- Jeff , Pen tester

>>673146463
>>673146568
To: David and Kevin

I already jumped, however it seems the sheer muscled mass on my chest made me survive. Dave, I expect you to pay for any medical costs that come from this broken toe.

Randy Bobandy
Not fat

Okay Fred, since flipping the server room breaker a million times didn't work, I'm going to try crossfeeding a line from the super high voltage transformer to the server room. Maybe the 10x extra voltage surging through the entire server room will give them the jump they need.

Hey all,

It's my first day here, I just transferred from the Phoenix branch. Regional management said that there is some tomfoolery going on around here and that maybe a new employee could help settle things down. I guess if somebody could assign me something to do that would be stellar. Thanks again.

Phillip from Phoenix

>>673146778
System works bro, I used to be the only Jeff, now there are many Jeffs,
Jeff, Accounting.

No one replied to my application so I gave myself a job
~Joseph, Pen Tester Supervisor

>>673146979
HEY JEFF tested any "pens" this weekend?

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

*makes a run past all the cubicles bro-fiving everyone in the room twice while my jaw is stuck in this awkward laughing position*

-Chad Thunderknob

>>673147145
To: Phillip from Penis

bring a queserito down to the lobby

Randy Bobandy

>>673147145
Hi Phil

So I think the first order of business should be to color coordinate our jeffs

Thank you
Jared

>>673146990
I'll be down to join you shortly.
ALLAH ACKBAR, ALHAMDULILLAH

Muhammad bin Salman Khalifa, formerly Kevin from the warehouse

>>673147262
You're demoted to janitor, chad
~Joseph, Pen Tester Supervisor

>>673147145
Philip,

I would like for you to work for the IT department, but if you have no IT experience that's fine. Just keep an eye on things and email me immediately if you see any suspicious behavior. Keep an eye on that Teat guy, Seems like a bad seed.

David
Regional Manager

>>673147235
We needed a application?
I just walked in here and the front lady person wasn't here and i just sat down

-Jeff , pen testing

>>673147274
To: Randy Bobandy

I'm not familiar with "queserito", I guess they don't have those in Phoenix. Also I don't appreciate the cheap crack at my hometown's name.

Phillip

>>673147235
Hello Joseph. Since Jeff the pen tester works under me, you work under me as well. Please supervise Jeff today, apparently you are both starting today. He may have trouble testing pens. Supervise these pen tests and report back by end of the day for feedback.

Thanks

Teat
Senior IT Consultant

Did those locks move, Fred? Cause if this didn't do it I don't know what will. Hold on, I have to put out this fire in the breaker panel.

TO ALL EMPLOYEES

Our CEO Colin will be here in exactly 5 minutes. EVERYBODY better be on their best behavior.

David
Regional Manager

>>673147454
Got it Dave. I assume you're in charge here?

Phillip the new IT guy

>>673147454

To: Regional Manager David

David,

I have dismissed Mr. Teat and all IT interns. Please appoint this new employee as security and ask him to escort all non-personnel from the grounds.

Thank you,
Ian C.F.O.

>>673147439
Ah fuck you brah! I don't NEED this job! Fuck you all man, I QUIT! My brother got his own carwash brah, I can just make a fortune washing cars. Fuck you pricks from management man, you're all the same. I dont need you. Fuck all of you. Especially that Jeff guy. I will make sick money man. Fuck this brah.

-Chad

>>673147540
I like employees that take the initiative. You are promoted to Pen Tester. If you want raise, bring guns to work for me

~Joseph, Pen Tester Supervisor

*Acts crazy and swipes monitor , keyboard , mouse , & tower off the desk *
Oops sorry for the loud noises guy you know just working away here.

-Jeff , Pen tester

>>673147762
David

If he needs a tour of my server room just let me know before hand, ill clean up the dead jeffs that are...wait what? Just let me know!

-Larry Network Engineer

To: James Russels

Hey Jimmy, you should check this out. This is a new personal best. Five foot shit. Hope Chad likes his new job.

>>673145825
You have great tits and a nice ass. Down to hook up later?

Jake - Sales Manager

>>673147865
Ian

I will handle it, did you brief Colin the CEO before he comes in today?

David
Regional Manager

>>673147901
sounds cool. can you give me job as pen tester supervisor

>>673147404
Dear New Terrorist, as per protocol at Computek, your access clearance has been raised to allow ease of access to all of our systems, if your require any equipment or ordnance please fill out request form A347 and forward it to Lucy in resources, have a nice day.

Janitorial, Electronics, Firearms, Failsafe Systems. (J.E.F.F.S.)

>>673147659
>>673147454
To: David and Phillip

Dave, new guy doesn't know how it works around here. Tell him to get me a goddamn queserito.

>>673147762
To Dave the Infidel

You had better scrape my broken body off the pavement before Colin gets here then.

الله هو أعظم و يمكن لساني الشرج تفوح منه رائحة العرق

Oh shit, nobody said anything about the 72 virgins being girls. FUUUUU

Muhammad bin Salman Khalifa, formerly Kevin from the Warehouse

>>673148187
--Randy Bobandy

>>673148117
David,

I sent him the reports. However, you know he never looks at them. Just bullshit him the best you can.

Ian

>>673147865
Disregard previous email from Ian.

We have come to an agreement that Teat has done an outstanding job with Jeff and the cable guy who will remain as the only 3 employees in the IT department. Despite Teat's questionable behaviour, he is a great asset to this company.

I would like to remind everyone that this name bashing and witch hunting is not ideal in our work environment. Please refrain from it, that includes people in IT. *Teat*

Will see you all in under 3 minutes now, coming upstairs.

Thanks,

Colin
CEO

To: All Staff

I just shit the photocopier again.
You will never catch me.

>>673147762
To: Dave

We've got a code red. Some creep named Robert tried to entice me in the bathroom with a Ruby Tuesday gift card. I clocked a gun on him using an ocular patdown and drowned him in the toilet. Just don't let Colin go into stall #3 and we should be good.

Phillip from IT

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Gun Rally

We need 20 guns for the gun rally at work. We will be shooting old staff.

>>673147659
>>673148187
Philip

Put the IT work on hold. Get the man a goddamn queserito. Randy is a very valuable employee and you would know to be quick about it if you saw his flaps flailing in the "Fit of 2012"

David
Regional Manager

>>673148423
To: Chad
Subject: FFS Chad!!
Jesus Christ, Chad, you know we put a camera in there after the last four times, also it's now your job to clean it up Mr. Janitor, you're a serious asshat.

Alec, Security.

To : All Contacts (- Steve Jobs, - Barack Obama)

Hello everyone. I'm sure you noticed I wasn't at the meeting last night. I've decided to start up my own company but I can't do it without like minded individuals like yourselves. We can accomplish a lot together, all it takes is a little elbow grease.

Bill Gates
Engineering department.

>>673148618
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: RE: Gun Rally

God damn, finally! David has been so annoying, he's almost ready for retirement anyways. So glad we get to mow him down with bullets. What time is the firing squad going to work?

good thing we work in Colorado, lets just hotbox this place
-Snoop Dog, from Snoop Inc,

>>673148563
Phillip

This was not in your job description. Get Randy his queserito and see me in my office.

David
Regional Manager

>>673148658
To: Dave

But first I need to know what in holy hell a queserito is before I can get him one. It's like no one listens to me around here.

From Phillip the IT guy

PS I would appreciate a response concerning the dead guy in stall #3.

Can you send that stack to me pronto? Sam

>>673148353
Colin,

It's Larry sir.

Larry- Network Engineer or Larry the cable guy is fine

>>673143158
To: Jerry the Janitor

My wife can't make me cum anymore, it's not my fault that Karen in Accounting is sexier than the bunny from that new zoo movie.

Raynold, the Creepy Old New Hire
Calls Center

>>673148117
>>673148347
To: [email protected]; [email protected]
From: [email protected]

How are you doing gentlemen,

I've ran the numbers here at headquarters and the company is doing great. You're getting a raise. On a completely unrelated note, you will have to lay off half of your office. I trust you will see to it.

Have a wonderful day,

Alexander P.M.M.R. the Third
Attachment: burn_list.pdf

>>673148953
Um sir who are you? Please get away from me you smell weird! Stop leaning on my desk!

- Jeff , Pen tester

>>673148953
To: Snoop Dog, Snoop Inc.
Subject: Re: Recent Occurances In Computek Break Room
Pass that shit bro!

Anon.

>>673149044
Dave

My apologies. I didn't see your most recent message. What did you want to see me about?

Phillip the IT guy

>>673149044
To: David

Don't mean to alarm you, Dave.. But there's a dead guy in the toilet?

Randy Bobandy
Concerned Employee

>>673148879
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re:Re:Gun Rally
Walking down hall now. I left a grenade in planter by the lounge area

>>673148423
the phantom shitter

>>673149072
Philip

This isn't rocket science.
Just get the man his queserito.
We will reimburse you for gas.
>>673148879
Enough of that. I'm trying to help you here but the guy cannot follow simple directions.

David
Regional Manager

WHAT THE FUCK THE PRINTER IS ON FIRE

>>673138281
David, you're fired.

Donald J. Trump
CEO

>>673149557
Jeez Sarah, just put in a new cartridge or something I dunno...

women...

>>673149557
how to printer

>>673149557
ANARCHY

~Joseph, Pen Tester Supervisor

>>673149305
Randy; here;s your damn queserito. I may or may not have came in it.

In any case. enjoy it.

Phillip from IT

>>673149557
>>673149679
BRING IT TO MY SERVER ROOM, THE COLD WILL PUT IT OUT, QUICK!

-Larry Network Engineer

>>673149557
Have you tried turning it off and on again?

-That smartass at the corner cubicle

>>673149241

To: Alexander

I have told you countless times. C.F.O. stands for Chief Financial Officer. I'm your BOSS. Stop telling me things that I sent you a memo about three days ago.

Ian

>>673149679
the cartridge was full of shit
>>673148423 this motherfucker shat in it again. 4th time this week

>>673149557
Dear Employee and/or vagrant, please disregard any printer, toilet, person or other fires you may encounter and make your way to the basement for... free enchiladas, Thank you,
Janitorial, Electronics, Firearms, Failsafe Systems. (J.E.F.F.S)

>>673148423
im tired of your shit man.
ba dum tss

>>673149829
To: Phillip from Cocklix

You're implying that I don't cum in my queseritos all the time. You just did my job for me.

Randy Bobandy
Cumqueserito Enthusiast

>>673149646
Mr. Trump, what a nice surprise sir! I hear you're running for president? How's that going?
Remember Barcelona '83? Boy that bitch was begging for it.

Phillip from IT

To all employees

The one and only printer on our floor has been evacuated while on fire into the toilet.

PS there is a dead guy in the stall next to the printer, but the fire is now extinguished on the printer. Someone should really look into that dead guy...

PPS: David, you really need to crack some leverage on the IT budget. 1 printer for the whole floor isn't going to cut it, especially since it is sitting in the toilet now.
I think we need a request for fire extinguishers in the office as well.

Teat,
Senior IT Consultant

>>673149994
uncle cecil said that to me. we played "bum fun" in the basement once. good times

>>673149897
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Forward: Employees, Staff, Costumers

How are you doing gentleman,

That's not what your wife said last night.

Have a wonderful day,

Alexander P.M.M.R. the Third

JOSEPH IS HERE WITH A GUN

>>673150118
His name's Robert from Accounting. He tried to sodomize me using a Ruby Tuesdays gift card. The rest is history.

Phillip from IT

>>673150248
what the fuck joseph. the school is across the road.

>>673150248
Can someone inform David that he has a visitor? I believe it is a delivery for him...

File: compukekoffice.jpg (75 KB, 610x386) Image search: [Google]

75 KB, 610x386

To all employess
It is me jeff the pen tester please mark your space one at a time thank you!

- Jeff , pen tester

TO ALL COMPUTEK EMPLOYEES

I am retiring after 36 long years here at Computek. I think of you all as family. I will be passing my position as Regional Manager on to


>>673150023

Mr Randy Bobandy RM

David
Former Regional Manager of Comptutek

>>673150213
TO: [email protected], [email protected], Employees, Staff, Costumers
FROM: [email protected]

Sick burn bro

File: 1457593074840.jpg (80 KB, 610x386) Image search: [Google]

80 KB, 610x386

>>673150420
Here I am

~Joseph, Pen Tester Supervisor

>>673150456
To: Computek Employees

Thank you, Dave. I will honor your position.
My first course of action is to hold a Queserito Sunday Social, on the second floor in the conference room. Come if you want, everyone.

Randy Bobandy
New Regional Manager of Cockutek

>>673150420
I call corner office 47.

Phillip from IT

>>673150456
To: Randy Bobandy
CC: David
From: Jeff

What does RM stand for after Mr Randy Bobandy? Is it Registered Masturbator? How can one apply for that certification? Asking for a friend, thanks.

Jeff
Pen Tester

To all employees:
the fire is out and the printer should be fine. if the phantom shitter shits in it again, the CEO will be informed.
Regards
~Mike Hunt

>>673150420
Jeff

Where is the basement? I don't see an area for my server room or that weird janitor guys room next to mine.

-Larry Network Engineer

>>673150213

To: Alexander

Next time you should ask Mark to turn around for you. He loves face to face sex as well.

Ian

File: compukekoffice.jpg (76 KB, 610x386) Image search: [Google]

76 KB, 610x386

>>673150781
Cool!

- Jeff , pen tester

WHY IS THERE SHIT ON THE WALLS OF MY OFFICE WHAT