Childhood trauma
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You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
I fucking hate myself. When I was younger and lived with my mother and stepfather with my 4 little siblings, all of which were children of my stepfather, I was so fucking cruel to my oldest little brother, verbally and physically abusing him while treating my other siblings with so much love, I loved him too. But with both of my parent figures being drug addicted pieces of shit who fought (verbally) and got drunk and high to the point of being basically dead every fucking night and me being the 15 year old oldest child having to take care of all my siblings I guess I abused him to vent, at the time I didn't know that's what I was doing. One night my stepfather attempted to beat my mother to death in front of me while all my siblings were asleep, I called the cops and my mother barely survived, but I was permanently damaged with the sight of my mother bleeding from her face and neck profusely, I went to live with my dad after this, and my siblings went to live with their father, 2 years of being homeless with my methhead dad pass and he gets locked up, I was with one of his friends at the time so I stayed there until they kicked me out because they suspected me of doing drugs in their home, which I never did, drugs and alcohol fucking ruined my life I'm fucking terrified of the shit. Every day after being separated from my siblings I fucking hated myself because i finally realized how I treated my brother, I feared that he would remember me as nothing but an abusive brother, after being kicked out I moved in with my mother's parents, my grandma and my abusive piece of shit grandfather. My grandmother shows me pictures on Facebook of my siblings and how they're doing, apparently failing school and homeless with their piece of shit father, I have to put on a face pretending I'm not dying inside just from pictures of them, turns out all 4 of my siblings were diagnosed with PTSD as well as me, my brother remembers me as abusive.
Now I get nightmares and horrible dreams every fucking night about them and my past because I really do love my siblings but I can't go back in time and stop myself from being a piece of shit, I honestly think I'd be better off dead. I don't know how to work past this.
> I honestly think I'd be better off dead.
No one is going to tell you this upfront in real life because of social condemnation but being here and just reading what you say, yeah you probably would be better off dead. You ruined other people life's out of just because you could and you did it continually so I'm guessing you really didn't have any kind of moral compass.
Thanks for this. I sometimes think of killing myself but at least my brother loves me and is actually a real happy folk.
>>17367932
It wasn't my intention to ruin his life, if I could go back and fix it I would, no matter what it took, I was blind back then, I didn't know what I was doing, I was just acting out in anger because i never had proper parents who gave half a shit about me. But that's no excuse for what I've done, I really do deserve death at this point, whether I regret what I did it not I still did it.
>>17367991
Do you think being sorry makes it all good and rainbows and shit? That kid you fucked up is still fucked up and you can't do shit about it right now.
You can either go full sociopath and don't give a fuck or help him or kill yourself, that's your options.
I'm not joking when I say the following, track him out and tell him he can beat the shit out of you all he wants. He probably won't, but you gotta be honest and sincere, he might even throw a fucking punch to you out in anger.
I don't know, either go to a shrink and try to be a good person or try to do something good for someone else. Best way to forget about your problems is helping someone else.
>>17368002
I know that being sorry doesn't help, I know. I have no way to contact him right now but when I finally do I swear I will let him fucking kill me if he wants to. When I finally get to see him again I will try my best to help him. I try to be a good person, and I think I'm doing pretty well, but being nice now doesn't change the past, and nothing I do every will be able to.
