My thoughts were moving fluidly and I was able to connect things with ease. But with a single thought, it all disappeared. And my mind locks down, again. I'm back to this awful feeling.
Kill me.
>>17349654
>>tumblr is that way.
Take your shit there. When you have an actual question to ask us, feel free.
>>17349657
I'm hoping to get an answer to a question I didn't know I had, or could have.
>>17349661
Take that shit to Tumblr. When you know what your question is, come back and ask it.
This isn't a board of mind readers or ninja psychologists watching you for months from nooks and crannies waiting to pounce with a helpful diagnostic.
Say what you want in plain English, explain why you don't have it, then ask us what to do to get it. Or fuck off.
>>thems the choices.
Anyway. I'm feeling anxious and as though I'm not enough in control, and therefore my mind has locked down. A terrible, maladaptive, gutter trash reaction.
I was listening to a song and realized something could be constructed that compresses down and represents the experience of night, from dusk to sunrise. Relative to death and loss.
Framing a series of events, or creative endeavor this way was foreign. My mind said "hm, this doesn't seem familiar or quite like mine. Better panic and lock down, or else something or other..." Happens with a number of things, though less and less as time goes on. Likely stems from panic attacks and vivid hallucinations I had as a child where there was some near omnipresent powerful entity trying to coerce, or force, its way into my head. I did not know the reason. Maybe it wanted to plant something, maybe it wanted to take something.
Regardless I now feel retarded, unable to function properly, and for no good reason. I am tired.
I'm beginning to calm down. I'll go for a drive, which does little to calm one's nerves when you don't have a license.
I've been too many conflicting people and changed too rapidly. Eventually I'll learn how to live, if not I'll have gathered the means to understand why I should die. Someday I might know the question.
