hi, thanks for reading
here's a little bit of background before i give the current circumstance and conflicted mindset.
at age 2 my father killed himself and left a large sum of money to my mother, and her brothers.
they spent millions, basically the entire fortune- on hard drugs. there's barely anything left- money- or family.
the two uncles who had access to money died to drug related deaths. the uncle who didn’t have access to the money, and didn’t do drugs is around, has been very helpful during all this- but is kind of an asshole who can’t see outside his philosophy
My brother is two years older than me and always went outward for attention and was always an asshole to me and mother. he has come a long way but still has a lot of trouble understanding and respecting boundaries.
i grew up trying to be the peacekeeper of the house and caretaker of my mom- always trying to keep the house stable and keep tabs on her. i was always trying to comfort her from my older brother acting out and what not- just really shitty family dynamics. she was sweet, but broken, and not at all a good parent, i have no doubt that she loved us very much, but taught us nothing. when she was around she would smother, protect, and speak for us.
in her head if she didn't hit us, she was a good parent. (she’s been in a lot of therapy and has come a long way since then but still is pretty toxic.)
since then my mom got sober (still pops Vicodin, and gets refills from multiple doctors around town, but for her- this is sobriety.)
i moved far away at age 19 and it was wonderful. For four years i would visit every now and then- and i had the luxury of talking to them from a distance.
This april, i get a phone call, she says she has months to live so I sell all my shit (sold my car for less than it's worth because of the urgency, now i'm sharing a car with my mom), quit my job, and gave up my lease. flew back home quickly after getting rid of everything i didn't need.
(more txt coming)
it's stage 4 small cell lung cancer- and as of now i've been living here for about three months. I help with shopping, cooking, cleaning, transport, etc….
the more i talk to doctors, and go with her to treatments, the more it seems like she’s got longer than we initially believed. So i came here planning on sticking around far less shorter than things are looking.
My aunt, uncle, and brother are acting like she’s going to die next week, my mom is in denial and thinks she’s going to beat this thing (stage 4 lung cancer has an extremely low five year survival rate. Also i am not eager to be the guy who tells his mom she’s surely going to die.)
During the first couple weeks after chemo, she needs a lot of help, and i honestly have no problem doing so- but it’s those couple weeks in between where i feel trapped in my home town, with my life frozen.
The truth is- I really don’t know if she’ll go in 2 months, or 3 years… Right now there’s a part of me I’m not proud of that wishes we can just for a lack of kinder words, “rip this band aid off.” I don't know how fucking long this is going to be.
I hate how selfish I feel, but It’s scary the thought of being here for two years, but that fear is counter attacked with the fear of I don’t fucking know if it will be in two weeks, cancer sucks, there’s no predictable way to plan things.
I don’t know if me getting my own place to live at during the weeks she’s not recovering from chemo makes sense financially (I have $30,000 in savings, and I can’t work too much if I’m helping her out) - and if moving out even help me feel better, there’s this inner critic in my head that says no matter what this is all gonna suck.
I just kinda feel frozen right now and am torn between self-care- and being around for her uncertain amount of days.
so right now i'm falling back into old behavior patterns of wanting to protect my mom from my brother, and paranoid she's doing drugs, etc...
(more txt coming)
I am extremely uncomfortable emotionally and physically around my family but i do love them. my mom projects all this weird toxic shit in conversation but i do love her, and i know she loves me. (I’m not saying I’m better than them, but this is how i feel around them.)
This is really hard.
Should I get my own place? I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings by moving out, but I also don’t want to look at my family as prison guards.
When I mentioned the idea of moving out, and stopping by to take care of her as needed, my uncle guilted me into staying there and “reassured” she’s going to die soon. I should be there for my mother. I got pissed off that he talked to me like a child, telling me what is right or wrong for something so complicated, but then I sunk into a depression and figured I guess she would die soon. This is just all kinds of fucked up.
T;ldr cancer and guilt, wut do i do?
also any general advice for this situation is so valued.
thanks for reading, i hope this was coherent.
it's really conflicting and confusing.
i do love my mother very much but is it selfish to not want to "waste" an uncertain amount of time?
I don't understand what renting someplace gets you, it's not like you'll get to spend any time there. I'd move away or stay in the house.
my thinking is that way i can have my own space to be away from family, when it gets to be too much, but i can also come back when needed.
