i should preface that my gf has dealt with a sexually abusive bf in her past. i only know what she has told me and it seems to revolve around oral sex which explains her distaste for it. it also explains why i have to voice my frustrations on /adv/ rather than communicate this to her directly.
i've been with my gf nearly a year and a half. overall we're okay, happy, and committed to one another. i'm 25, she's 21, and we met at school. she sees a future with me and i could see myself with her long-term but i'm unsure if i can tolerate a number of things in our relationship indefinitely. there are a few things besides the dysfunctional sex life but i suppose that's for another time.
roughly a year and a half and she has performed oral roughly six times in that time. i use the term oral loosely, almost as loose as her lips as they bob up and down the head of my penis for a few minutes before tapping out. i do appreciate the effort but it feels minimal. i give direction and try to guide her during the act (i think the fact that she doesn't know what she's doing during oral is a factor in all of this which is why i try to be encouraging and communicate) but it feels like it falls on deaf ears. it's almost like she had already made up in her mind that she's only going to tolerate this for a few minutes to shut me up for a few months. it does shut me up of course. i would bring up the idea of her going down on me the next time we fool around and she would complain about lingering throat pain (which makes no sense since i don't even get past her teeth) and/or jaw discomfort. earlier in the relationship i would continue to bring it up each time we fooled around which meant i would either hear more about the discomfort ("my throat still hurts from before" but refusal to see a doctor despite it supposedly hurting for weeks) or she would explain that "i did it a week (two weeks, three weeks, etc) ago, you can't expect me to do it all the time."
>>17308694
(contd)
the last time she tried was roughly three months ago. i don't pursue it anymore. i don't ask about it. when she tries i still communicate what i like and etc but it doesn't change. she just does the same thing she has been doing since the first time she tried. i'm convinced that she has no desire whatsoever to work on this and it's not like i can press her to considering her past.
oral sex was always fun and intimate in previous relationships. i've always enjoyed (and still enjoy) making someone feel good during sex and getting them off.
i think i miss the intimacy and selflessness of it. it feels like there are things and places that are off limits. i feel like she's disgusted at the idea of having me in her mouth.
i feel like she isn't willing to be uncomfortable or to work on difficult endeavors. that's troubling considering she talks about wanting a family and kids and shit, as if that's going to be easy.
>>17308694
It might sound like an advice you might not want to hear, but fooling around itself, sexual pleasure is something that should not be done in stressful and pressured way. She is just making up excuses (or the way I see it from the post), but if she has traumatising past about sexually abusive ex, just slowly let her overcome. It is not something that will go away quickly.
Things you could try is if you don't pressure her for a while or not bringing it up about oral, she might do it for you, I am not guaranteeing that she will do it 100% for you, but if she sees future with you, she would overcome and trying to pleasure you as much as you are trying to pleasure her.
>>17308694
>i should preface that my gf has dealt with a sexually abusive bf in her past.
Why do you guys keep dating girls like this.
>>17308728
she stated that she had issues with penetrative sex/painful penetration which is pretty common with inexperienced girls. she was able to relax with me and she saw that she could get over such things. penetrative sex has been fine but she still has this block on oral sex.
i used to go down on her all the time. i figured that even if she wasn't going to reciprocate that it doesn't mean i shouldn't enjoy pleasuring her but that can only persist for so long. i would go down on her, get her off, fuck, and then get her off again. now? i really can't be bothered. i used to have to beg her to let me go down on her (she would feel guilty that i was giving but she wasn't).
don't get me going on penetrative sex. it's classic deadfish. i give instruction, i introduce new positions, etc. she tries it out for a few minutes and gets tired and gives up. it's fucking frustrating. i suggest that she be more physically active both for herself and for our sex life and she tries and gives up or complains that she's "giving it 100%" but isn't seeing the fruits of her labor. i tell her everything she needs to know. i'm pretty /fit/, i get compliments from friends and colleagues, guys at the gym respect me, ask for my opinion, etc. i know the basics but she's expecting things to be handed to her.
i've been waiting and it hasn't happened, at least not to the extent that i'm expecting. her refusal to see a therapist/sex therapist is also an issue. i figured support, encouragement, and compromises would result in her being proactive about such things since she knows it's important to me and the relationship.
i feel like since i've been so willing to compromise that she's expecting me to do it indefinitely.
>>17308744
i dunno.
>>17308744
She was abused, he wants to be a hero and save the day
What the fuck OP I don't understand? Just don't have oral sex. Problem solved.
What is so good about it that you need it anyways? After you get off do you even give a shit anyways?
>>17308887
The fact that your sex life is bothering you now already, will not make it any better for you in the future.
Just be open with her, and tell her what you told us. It seems like a thought through written piece here.
There is no point in continuing a relationship where you are not sattisfied. It is not all about her in a relationship, but about you aswell. You need to be able to be content on the long term.
There is plenty of others out there, if this doesn't work out, find someone who you bond better with.
