Fiance lied to me about drinking
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I posted about my fiance here a while ago, we've been together 5 years, 3 of those were long distance, 1 of those we lived with roommates, and the rest of the time it's just been us two. He used to do coke, drink, smoke cigs and weed, and party. He quit everything except drinking. He's a responsible guy with good work ethic and able to stand on his own.
My beef is that after cracking his ribs because of a fall while he was drunk, he said that he'd take a break from drinking. Alcohol has been a problem before, he's gotten violent (not with me, but he destroyed our first apartment), he's said that before, it's been somewhat successful before, he used to get shitfaced a lot more than he does now, and so I thought the problem was dissolving.
>be me last night
>open fridge cuz starving, fiance's already been home for a couple of hours
>find 6pack with 2 beers gone
>ask him about it
>he gets defensive
>go put some shit in the sink
>bottle of whiskey I had just stared at while doing dishes is next to sink as always
>notice it's an inch or so less full than it had been for that entire week
>bring it up
>he says he hasn't drank from it
>gets even more defensive
>starts fighting with me, I'm just talking calmly
>starts throwing alcohol in trash
>I just walk away and go to bed
>we discuss this further, he's agitated, I'm not at all
>just telling him my problem is he said he'd take a break, not that he drinks
>he thinks I'm prohibiting from having "a beer after work"
>AM I NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE A BEER
>says it's his only outlet right now
>this morning I'm doing dishes again and find a shot glass in the dishwasher
He usually has 2-3 shots and like 2 beers every day after work. Idk what to do at this point. Idk if that's excessive. Idk if I've been blind for 5 years. Idk what to fucking do.
FIVE FUCKING YEARS
>>17299473
That's not a terrible drinking habit.
Most the alcoholics I see are buying 3-4 half pints at a time, because if they bought the bigger bottle they'd just drink the whole thing.
Keep in mind, a half pint is more than 2-3 shots.
Adding a few beers into the mix aint hurting noone, especially after a long day at work.
If this habit starts happening in the mornings, or during work, then I could see it being a problem.
>>17299473
> Idk what to fucking do.
For starters don't keep a fucking bottle of whiskey right next to the sink.
This isn't rocket science.
>>17299486
I lol'd at this. And yet it's true.
>>17299473
Lol u wot? A few beers and shots after work is fuck all. I know guys who drink 15+ beers everyday after work and way more than that on weekends
>>17299482
But the lie though. The lie is my problem mostly.
>>17299486
It's on a shelf now next to the trash can instead, still in plain sight. What would be a more ideal place? I didn't know this was an issue at all, then again I only drink half as much as he does and I keep my stuff in the fridge.
>>17299473
Men drink it's what we do, your fiance isn't even a drinker if all he has is 4 shots and 6 beers a night
If he starts drinking a liter or more of whiskey everyday than that's an actual issue but right now your fiance does what everyone does
He sounds like a light weight to me I do that every day before work and then again at lunch and then again when I get home
>>17299554
Ok so he's not that bad then, got it, I don't nag him about these things unless he destroys the apartment, gets psycho on me, or cracks his ribs.
Why did he lie to me though.
>>17299557
but the control though. the control is his problem mostly.
Why should the breadwinner of the household be limited like a fucking child as to what he can, and can't do when he gets home and wants to relax?
"m-mommy, can I use the bathroom please?"
"m-mommy, can i have a beer tonight please?"
>>17299560
>>17299562
I guess I need to become a lesbian?
>>17299562
This
Not even joking either
>>17299578
Lol this. If my gf ever said I couldn't get wasted after work id tell her Gtfo
>>17299578
I don't limit him is the thing. I don't watch how much he drinks, he is the one that's trying to set limits for himself. For all I know he drinks more than that, I don't really care as long as he's not belligerent and sleeps on his side of the bed. I'm a pretty cheerful fucking bubble of hot joy 99% of the time.
>>17299591
I don't see what the point of this thread is. Unless he's getting blackout drunk everyday and being loud and rude to you what's the problem?
It's only an issue if he starts flipping out on you and passing out on the floor etc
>>17299579
Men and women drink more than your fiance after work, the guy doesn't even drink by the sounds of it
>>17299473
>excessive
what kind of fairy tale life did you live growing up? shit everyone in my family drinks at least 8 drinks everyday and I find it hard to believe that not everyone drinks everyday
I've been off work for an hour now and it's 3pm and ive already had 4 beer
>guy trashed his appartment in drunken rage
>cracked his ribs after a drunken fall, would take a break but doesn't manage to stay away
>lies about his alcohol use
>gets defensive when the topic is brought up, starts hyperboling for the sake of winning the argument
>all these comments saying there's no issue because compared to people they know or what they perceive as average he doesn't drink that much
It's not about the absolute amount. It is obvious from what OP said that he doesn't have a healthy relationship with alcohol. Especially wanting to take a break then being unable to, yet getting disproportionally angry when OP points this out, is quite telling.
>>17299618
He hardly even drinks I probably drank more than him yesterday than he will all week
>>17299618
>taking a break from alcohol
>denying yourself life's greatest pleasure
why would anyone do something so stupid?
>>17299618
You're mistaking a common conclusion for a commitment on a lifestyle change.
You do something, and something bad happens you think for a moment "wow, that was a bad idea, I shouldn't do that again." But, truthfully, it was more than likely a freak stupid thing, and it's very unlikely to ever happen again. So, you get comfortable again and start drinking like you used to. It's not a big deal, he might've lied to himself, and by proxy his wife. But it's nothing to be shamed about.
Drunk right now and laughed at this thread
>implying fiance man has a drinking problem when he doesn't get completely wasted everyday
>>17299637
That's another question but point remains that he intended to and couldn't see it through.
>>17299639
This is a man who has a history with drugs, I very much doubt that he has so little insight in whether or not his drinking habit is innocent. Besides, if what you say is true, why didn't he tell OP that? "Honey, I realized I overreacted and it was just a one off, not something to worry about." Instead he got frustrated, defensive and angry.
Sounds like he might have a problem. Classic addict behaviour
>cracked ribs, promised not to drink for awhile
>starts drinking soon thereafter
>gets defensive about drinking
>gives excuses as to why he does it
>says it's his only release
>destroys apartment in a drunken rage
>lies to you so he can keep doing it
I was an addict for many years. Been around a lot of addicts. Been to a few rehabs and sober livings too. Anybody who has ever had a problem has done all of those things.
I don't have any advice desu. When I wasn't ready to fess up to my addiction or do anything about my addiction, nobody could do me a DAMN thing to stop me.
>mfw op described my current boyfriend/relationship to a tee
though in his defense, his management of his alcohol consumption is entirely up to him. he didn't promise you anything and he didn't really lie to anyone but himself. i wouldn't expect anyone to keep that kind of a promise. hell, i break my own promises with food all the time... i wouldn't want anyone to remind me of my failure to compose myself from having pizza again. i already feel incredibly guilty and gluttonous.
think of it this way: it's like if you were trying to lose weight, and your bf starts asking about the bag of chips you just had... or maybe you told him you want to be more feminine/sexy for him but you felt like scratching your ass like an ape that day and he points it out... maybe you'd get defensive over that.
habits are hard to break... i know you're concerned, and justifiably so, but you have to let him do this on his own. even if you catch him drinking again, just behave like normal and carry on. (unless you think something is bothering him, ask about it maybe) when he isn't drinking though, be more affectionate and supportive.
that's pretty much how i deal with my boyfriend.
>>17299631
It doesn't matter how much he drinks, it's about his inability to stay away from it.
>>17299799
Regardless of if he's an alcoholic or "has a problem" or whatever, my advice:
Let him do whatever the fuck it is he wants to do and leave him alone about drinking. He won't change from your nagging. He's going to do what he wants to do regardless of what you say. So shut up and deal with it, or if it's a deal breaker, leave
>>17299631
you still drink around him when he's trying to quit? well no wonder he's having trouble staying away from it.
if you want him to quit, then you should quit with him. do you know how hard it is to quit something when the temptation is all around you?
>>17299815
That's obviously not OP.
The fact he gets defensive is an indication that you may not be communicating with his effectively. And while it really doesn't seem excessive, I now where it can lead since I'm an alcoholic.
Look... if falling down once and wrecking an apartment while drunk is all that has happened over 5 years, it's really not that bad, but worth watching but maybe not fighting over... yet.
>>17299910
I *know* where it can lead
The red flag is that he won't stop, even when there's a reason to.
>>17299928
There is no reason for him to stop
>>17299599
>Unless he's getting blackout drunk everyday and being loud and rude to you
We had that for a while and I told him I was gonna bail on him unless he cut that shit out, it continued for a while and I have just been lucky to be able to separate myself from it most of the time or pop a klono and be able to deal with it when I can't separate myself from him. If what you're describing is your definition of an issue, he has it.
>>17299615
>what kind of fairy tale life did you live growing up?
A life where half my family and the person I looked up to all died of alcoholism. At least your family is alive.
>I've been off work for an hour
>had 4 beer
Nothing to really brag about.
>>17299618
Thanks, I thought I was going crazy for a sec, I'm not in the best emotional state right now which is not really normal for me.
>>17299639
>You're mistaking a common conclusion for a commitment on a lifestyle change.
I guess so... He also said that in front of the doctor, so he might have not meant it. But he said it again with me in the car. Then again he'd just fucking cracked his ribs and might not have been thinking straight from the pain, dehydration, hangover, and medication.
>very unlikely to ever happen again
It's become a pattern when he drinks he does stupid shit and/or gets hurt. He drove drunk one time and called me, crazed, told me he was getting pulled over cuz he was going 120mph on the interstate, that he was evading the cop, then more showed up, then he somehow got away from a whole squad, came home and parked, told me it was only a matter of time before the cops showed up, and went to bed and tried to cuddle with me. The next morning after keeping me awake and crying all night he confessed that he was lying to me so I wouldn't leave him. Oh shit, just realized that's kind of a red flag too. lol
>>17299666
Yep.
>Comment too long.
>this thread
>female """"""""""""""logic""""""""""""""""
** Update **
He came in while I was studying after work and asked me if I was still mad. Told him I found the shot glass in the dishwasher and that I knew he was lying to my face and that's all I was mad at. After lying and lying again he then admitted it and said he was sorry and he lied because I seemed so mad at the beer thing. I never yelled, I never fought, I only questioned and was annoyed. He thought I was angry at him over beer after I told him that it clearly was not the part of the problem I was mad at. I was just thrown off because he said he'd take a break.
I rarely ever get mad at him... so I think he was projecting ?? I wasn't even mad taking him to urgent care, I was poking jokes at him and making fun of his ribs and trying to distract him from the pain like a normal person would do. -_-
>>17299695
I'm not trying to stop him anymore after he wrecked that apartment two years ago. At this point I'm just getting my shit stacked up at this point so if I need to bail (if things don't get better) I can do so more than comfortably.
>I don't have any advice senpai
Thanks for your reply though, that was helpful forreal family.
>>17299794
>you have to let him do this on his own
Everyone's told me this from day 1 when I started having a problem with his drinking, so that's were I am at.
>>17299799
>>17299808
Yep yep.
>if it's a deal breaker, leave
Hopefully it doesn't come to that, since he's 99% perfect to me. I'd hate to lose such a great fucking guy to that really horrid 1% that I cannot fucking stand, but whenever he was shitfaced and doing something stupid I couldn't stop saying to myself "I'm not about that life" (that life where I marry him and he's an alcoholic and I have to go to AA meetings because I don't know how to deal and 15 years and 3 kids into our marriage I realize I can't do anything) and I just wanna bail before it all happens. It ends up throwing me into a panic attack sometimes, but I'll man up and fuck off if anything.
>>17299815
That was not me, but I do drink wine around him. I only drink one glass every couple of days and he hates wine. I can see that though, fair point. I don't wanna sneak around myself though :/
>>17299910
>is all that has happened over 5 years, it's really not that bad
There's a lot more than those two incidents, those are just the more prominent ones.
How do I communicate more effectively than expressing my emotions in a gentle calm way? :| At least I think that's how I come off.
>>17301171
Tell me of this magical male logic then, tard. How is it different from common fucking sense and normal human logic. You haven't even read the whole fucking thing. YOU DON'T KNOW ME link related
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=En4lSQmIWts
>Being this batshit controlling before you're even married
Slow down for the wedding, then you'll have the rest of his life to utterly make him miserable you crazed bitch.
It's two beers and a shot or two of whiskey. That's completely fucking normal.
>>17301218
Nah you're a fucking nutjiob, you should just leave him. It's never going to end with you. He could stop drinking 100% and then you'd rag on him and give him shit if he had beer when he went out with a friend, or champagne at an event.
Then you'd make him quit eating fast food, and you'd constantly accuse him of sneaking it by you anyways.
You have insane trust issues and you don't know how to reason things out like an adult. You're literally never going to stop this behavior towards him, you clearly don't trust him at all, so just end it now.
>>17301259
>>17301254
>oh look it's a chick complaining about her boyfriend on 4chan
>she must be a raging controlling cunt and he must be the innocent one here
kk yep sure k
He has no limits on drinks or curfew when he goes out or shit like that (not that I'd ever think I could "allow" or "not allow" things in someone else's life like I'm his mom or something). He even kept his whiskey next to the kitchen sink that's how much of a shit I give. This is literally the only time I've ever counted his drinks and it was because he told me he'd take a break and then he lied to me and flipped a shit even though I wasn't even mad bro, I was in bed and ready to fall asleep and ignore it as usual and he was following me trying to pick a fight.
Quit thinking I'm your crazy psycho ex.
>implying you've ever had anyone who loved you in your life
Anyway, like I said, he admitted to his lie when I got home and that's all I wanted. Thanks for the replies /adv/, you never fail to call anon a crazy bitch or a little pussy.
tfw 4chan users are literally as bad the SJWs they hate
stay classy for the summer bois
>>17299473
Wow, 2-3 shots and a few beers, after work?
I would take the shot glass out of the dishwasher, then put your fucking ass in it.
Cunt.
>>17302719
>Wow, 2-3 shots and a few beers, after work?
Like I said, that's obviously not what I ever worried about, I just freaked out because I thought it might be the start of his downhill spiral that he had already kind of crawled out of (it still might be, who knows?). It's also a loose estimate cuz I never actively watch him. I was just focusing on the fact he said he'd take a break, couldn't keep himself away from it (and he's had problems he's admitted to before), told me it was his only outlet, and then lied to me about the whiskey. Either way, it's no longer as important as it was to me when I started the thread and shit's already been fixed for now. Punishment? I got to edge him yesterday and after I get home from work tonight he'll finally be able to bust a load after not being able to fuck me since the night he cracked his stupid idiot ribs.
Sageing my own thread since it's done.
