Hi /adv/, I'm sorry for the long blog post.
Lately, I have started getting in more and more fights with my girlfriend. We start talking about the future and we always end up arguing about bullshit. She thinks I am too restrictive. It is true that I am quite negative of her plans (she wants to go to New Zealand from Europe after her bachelor's degree), but sometimes her plans make me feel extremely neglected. She doesn't see it that way (she always gets mad when I tell her I'd like to be more included in her future and tells me 'it's too far away'). I, on the other hand, want to make us financially independent by working and investing. She doesn't understand me and doesn't WANT to understand me. To quote her words "You can't take that stuff to the grave, so why have it". I'm in my early 20's and I'm scared of the future, mainly of the possible lack of work that could happen (I'm self-employed). Whenever I tell her, she mocks me and tells me "I'm being ridiculous" and that I should "enjoy my money, I won't be taking it to the grave anyway".
Is the problem me? I'm really uncertain about my future and I'm trying to find my purpose in supplying my future family, financially and in other ways. My GF is the archetypical first-wave feminist - she wants to work, earn money, she doesn't want a family, she wants career. It is ever harder for me to find my life's purpose in her. What can I change about myself to be more accepting?
I am always scared for her and she always keeps nagging at me when I tell her that my work will take me on business trips (I am an interpreter). She just doesn't understand why I do what I do, and when I tell her, I'm the evil one for not wanting to spend every second with her.
I'm fucking freaking out, guys and girls. Help me, how should I change?
>>17293603
Could you be more detailed about your girlfriends plans for the future, and why you don't like them?
Your girlfriend sounds like a stupid bitch to me, to be quite honest, and you don't want to end up stuck with a stupid bitch.
>>17293660
Her plan is to move out to get a better job. That I understand, because the job situation here is mostly shitty. Also, I wouldn't notice anything, since I'm able to work from halfway around the world. But what infuriates me is the fact that she wants to travel for work, yet when I tell her I'll go to interpret somewhere e.g. once a week, she throws a tantrum. I explain to her that it would mostly be conferences innacountry, no big travel, but she still tells me that she'd travel once for 2 months, while I'd travel for 4 months every year, "just have it spread out over a longer period".
That's true, but fucking hell, what if I got a fucking office job? I'd be out of the house EVERY DAY of the work week. This way, I'm away for 5 or 6 days a MONTH (fucking literally), and it's somehow bad!
Fuck, shouldn't have taken those 3 caffeine tablets.
>>17293694
>long distance relationship
pack up and move on. You have zero future together.
Stop trying to have relationships with people you are FUNDAMENTALLY INCOMPATIBLE with.
>>17293660
She's not stupid, to me she just seems extremely hedonistic when it comes to money. I'm a fucking scrooge, but whenI I get money, it burns a hole in my pocket. She only saves money for trips abroad and stuff (understandable, since she lives with her mom). I live with my parents as well, but I want to become independent and beat NEET status (which I did, I have a job atm).
I feel if I stopped talking about the future and about money so much, we'd be much cooler together. I'm fucking trying, but she then drops a bomb like "I want to go to New Zealand to work for 2 months in the summer" and I'm supposed to roll with it?
Fuck sleep, I'm gaming.
>>17293722
>"I want to go to New Zealand to work for 2 months in the summer" and I'm supposed to roll with it?
So you basically want your girlfriend not to experience life in what, her early 20s? She wants to do the type of thing people dream about their entire life and you're trying to argue that she shouldn't.
Lol, just fuck you man. You have no fucking idea what is valuable in life. I hope she drops you like the controlling sack of shit you are.
>>17293709
But we'd move together, I'm saying that I can get accustomed to that pretty quickly (Internet and electricity is all I need for work) She just wants to go to NZ for 2 months. We've been together 5 years now. I really could move abroad with her, it's just her hate of me going to work that I don't get. I don't want to be only a translator, that doesn't pay as well. I want to be an interpreter, that means travel and live performances, but it also gets me a shitload of money.
>>17293728
That's not my issue. I don't give a fuck if she travels. I'm just afraid for her. She can get lost in a long corridor.
My issue is the double standard:
>buddy asks me to do a job in Scotland
>Say yeah
>GF doesn't fucking talk to me for a week, after long talk she tells me "she was afraid for me"
>it was 3 days
If I were to react with the same severity, I souldn't talk to her for 4 months!
Also, as for "not letting her experience shit", why do you think I want to make money?! I want me and her to be able to experience shit in the world.
>>17293736
>>17293722
Shounds like both of you are stuck up about the other person's career choices for bad reasons
There is literally nothing wrong with visiting New Zealand during summer if she's gonna spend that summer working and earning back all the money, is it?
>>17293756
There isn't. I didn't even say jack shit about it. She knows how I felt about it, about my fears. After I didn't react like "YEAAAAAH, YOU GO GURRRRRL", she got bitchy.
I'm just afraid for her safety. I can make enough money to send her to NZ and back, all inclusive, actually fuck it, I can send BOTH OF US there and back.
I feel like she hurt me by not including me in the plan. She knows I'd love to go with her, yet she still doesn't say shit.
>>17293777
Sounds like she's going there to get a "pause" from everything and think things through.
May I suggest that you take the opportunity for a pause yourself, as in pack your stuff and move away while she's gone?
>>17293810
1) she's planning that trip in 2 years time
2) we don't live together
3) she just wants to work and earn money
I'm literally scared about her safety. If I didn't see her for 2 months here, I wouldn't give a fuck.
>>17293810
But you got a good point. I might pack my shit and travel around. But I suspect it'd end with me getting shitfaced and jailed in some foreign country.
>>17293828
So she would do the same? If she's as prideful as you say she is, she's not going to change her mind, you might just have to get out while you can
>>17293603
Dude, atleast you got a girl that's in college.
All I got around here are fucking lazy ass bitches that work in grocery or restaurants. No fucking ambition, no drive. Fucking pathetic.
>>17293861
Again, I don't care about her actions. The problem I have is with her physical safety. Abductions, killings, etc. That is what I have a problem with.
>>17293868
That's why I want to keep her. She's bright, young, she's just too careless for my paranoid taste.
But I'll repeat, I'm fucking paranoid. Last night I spent half an hour with a knife in my hand because I heard shouting and a dog whimpering outside.
>>17293876
Dude, New Zealand isn't that dangerous, chances are she'll survive. If you're really this paranoid, isn't it kind of misguided to date someone who takes risks?
>>17293893
This is the first ever risk she took. And it really makes me nervous.
>>17293904
I see, but if she isn't going to stop, and you're just going to get anxiety from it, don't torture yourself man
>>17293920
I'm trying not to. I just want her to understand that I'm afraid for her. And also it pisses me off that she wants my complete agreement (which she has), but denies me my business.
>>17293930
Say fuck it, be afraid for her if you want, and keep your business to yourself
>>17293942
That might be the solution. I'll be scared. Or I'll save some money and visit her. That shouldn't be so hard.
>>17293950
Check to see if that's what she wants, if its what you want too, who is anyone to say you shouldn't go for it
>>17293956
She wants me to stay at home, always, and do my job from home. She's afraid that I'm too much into money and not enough into fun. That is not true, probably except for my motivation to work. I want to work. I might text her and tell her how I feel about my work and about her travels.
>>17293965
Don't, think about it more, you're still confused yourself
>>17293968
That's true. But I need to know she'll support me in my work. I just want to support myself. It's as if she's trying to cut off my balls.
>>17293977
Yeah I know that feel OP, never try to care less, it'll come and go, being nihilistic never helps anyone who has aspirations, whether or not she supports you, work and work well, be content with yourself, don't let anyone control you. You're gonna be able to support yourself OP, you seem motivated, that's good. Care as much as you need too, you're gonna make it out fine
>>17293992
That's the problem. Motivation.
In the long run, it's supporting my GF, getting her nice things and letting her experience nice things. Nothing else.
Primarily, this goal is to be fulfilled by money. I have a steady supply of low-paying jobs (I even do books, fucking hell). But I feel that I need acknowledgement for my monetary accomplishments. That's bad.
>>17294004
She's most likely going to want to ignore what you provide to both of your futures, you can't base all your motivations on her and expect to be happy with your position in the relationship.
Also, it sounds like all of your goals for her is contradicted by her need to be self-sufficient, I can see how your situation is fucking hard
>>17294027
Yeah, we both want to be self-sufficient, but I at least try to support her in her goals. She doesn't do jack shit about it.
>>17294042
So why stay?
>You can't take that stuff to the grave, so why have it?
>she wants to work, earn money, she doesn't want a family, she wants career.
Famous last words. This is the kind of person that aims high and pretends to be content with settling for less until something in them snaps and they flip the fuck out. Doesn't bode well for you, I think she thinks she settled for you because you're "good enough". Do not shack up, do not have kids with this woman. Get while the getting's good. Find a partner that respects you. Don't piss away your dignity over one relationship.
>>17294052
Because I still love her. What she lacks here she gets in other affection for me. She's just like a child, a dreamer. I don't give a damn if she fails, I want to be ready to support her if necessary. I know, most guys would call her a leech, but I feel like it would fulfill me.
>>17294055
This is where I don't really listen to her. She always says this, but I know I want to invest in houses and flats to provide a safe income for old age. That is what I'll do to make sure she has something to live from when I bite the dust.
>>17293603
You need to instigate a respectful diologue about your futures. Be the partner that doesn't blow up in the other's face, don't be afraid to say sorry, and just really try to understand her perspective.
Don't change yourself. The point of a healthy relationship is to love your partner for who they are, and if that doesn't work for you guys, it may be time for you both to break up. That also may not at all be true, so just try to have a conversation about life goals and how you can both fulfill your dreams together as a team. In brief: control your insecurities and anger, be yourself, and be an attentive listener!! It's amazing what a loving attitude can change.
>>17294078
Good advice, thanks. I'll try to listen to her.
