Hey /adv/, first time poster. Might take a few posts. Explaining backstory and all that.
I got to know this girl over online games about six months ago. We hit it off as friends pretty quickly. At the time, I didn't know she was a she. After getting to know her for a good while, it turned out she was suicidal. Having been someone who was in that position in the past, I did my best to talk her out of it. It took a few weeks, but I finally managed to get through to her and she managed to reconcile with a few issues at the time. Throughout her life, she has been involved with bad relationship after bad relationship, every guy turning out to be an asshole who has tortured her in some way. Physically and mentally in most cases. Her main reason for wanting to commit suicide was due to family issues, she was going to be out on the street until I manged to convince her to reconcile with her parents (who she's never told about her past boyfriends' actions, and even all the shit she's experienced with guys before then (she's been through so much shit it sounds like something a rape fetishest would write about their favorite victim for torture)). Eventually, she sorted the situation and she's been a lot better since then.
As a result of all that, she eventually confessed to me. I saved her life, I was her savior, and truthfully, I grew to really like her personality over time (doesn't help that she looks stunning - to me, anyway. She has some stuff that might turn off a lot of people. Piercings, tattoos, etc. But I overlooked that stuff because I was used to seeing it growing up - all of it is symbolic, not any of that emo 'fuck the world I'm a rebel' shit. She's a good person, far better than I am). As a result, I fell for her, too, and eventually, after a good while, we became closer and closer, eventually getting to the point of wanting to live with one another in the future.
Cont.
Now, while it might be because it seems like I'm desperate (I'm not, I didn't even believe in love until I'd met her, although I've had a few relationships, but never was affection really felt from either side, but stories for another day), I really, really wanted to make her happy. Truly happy. I wanted to make her forget all about the people who had hurt her in the past, I wanted her to feel that listening to me and surviving for even a day longer was worth it. As such, I started aiming to better myself. I told her that I had no issue with her not working either (she wants to, though, but she was in a similar boat to me - difficulties finding work). I started taking care of myself properly, even going so far as to start trimming my nails and shit when I normally bit them - for a person like me that was kinda big. I managed to get a job, but it was awful. It pays me less than minimum wage, as I made a really shady deal that half my hours would be considered unpaid volunteer work - I was desperate. It's the only job I can physically get no matter how hard I try. I also don't want to do anything that'll hurt my chances of staying there as it's the source of income I have, and even if I've studied relevent subjects in the past (IT-related, also have some other credentials), for the most part I'm unemployed and no one wants that. Trust me, I went everywhere and did everything I could to get one, this is all I could get. Regardless, getting back on topic, I have begun working myself to the bone because I don't want to force her to wait three or four years in order for us to eventually be together. I wouldn't want to put her through that. In a few months I plan to visit her, regardless, even if it'll take the majority of what I've saved up so far, but I don't care.
Cont.
Anyway, here's where the problem is - the hours of the job are shit, I'm treated with very little respect, and i don't get paid fuck all, but at least it's something to save with. It'll still take two years at this rate to save up enough cash to move both of us across seas (neither of us like where we live), put a deposit on a house to rent, and have enough money to survive for a few months until I can find a job elsewhere. On top of that, I've been beating myself up each and every day, wracking my brain on how I could find a better way to make cash, or a better way for us to be together. I've researched everywhere I could, talked to everyone knowledgeable on the topic, but nothing's really come up. As such, over time, I began becoming really stressed. I worked tirelessly for no reward, the time I could see her was minimized (different timezones, now the hours I spent with her were spent working, other than the few hours we saw each other each day if she managed to wake up at a decent time), and I began beating myself up, considering myself worthless, and overall just hating that I couldn't amount to anything no matter how hard I've tried. Stress was my killer, and it's slowly made me unhappy. Another thing I should mention is that I have anger issues, because my father had them. Whether it was learned or genetic, I don't know, but I have them. Now, for her, I not a single cell in my body could ever think about hurting her unintentionally, but over time my stress got the better of me. I've raised my voice a few too many times when we were just having differences in opinions (no real arguments), or I've shown my obvious depressed side, or just in general I might have had a short fuse that day because of work, or because of beating myself up. Either way, I have never, ever attacked her directly, even with my issues and insecurities, although I have raised my voice or made her feel like shit unintentionally, as she never did anything to deserve my anger.
Cont.
As such, realizing what a monster I was being, even unintentionally and not directly attacking, I've worked to better myself. I've made very, very precise care to settle my issues and insecurities, I avoid topics that could bring up stress between us (old issues, talking about subjects she knows I get heated over, etc), and we've come to the agreement that we will agree to disagree (we disagree on a lot of topics - we're almost total opposites in most regards, although we're both intelligent (or so I believe) so we both have a lot to say and can make strong arguments - we're also both stubborn).
Cont.
Regardless, we'd recently been discussing issues and, even when I made a strong effort to contain my inner anger and calm myself, all it takes is a moment to lose concentration and I get heated again - I quell it almost instantly, but it's evident from that that I'm still angry and annoyed. As a result of this, she's brought something up recently, and that is that she's been getting slightly turned off as a result. When we met, and after I 'saved' her from her suicide, she saw me as someone strong, caring, and happy. The former two I believe we both know I still am, as someone strong couldn't get through all the shit I have so far, and someone caring wouldn't spend every waking moment trying to think of ways to make her happy, or at least how to help her with her issues (even if she doesn't like to talk about them). The happy part, however, is obviously the big issue. We don't know at what point exactly I began being far less happy, but we do know it's happened, and I don't know what to do to change it. This is where the discussing pretty much ended today before she went to sleep, and given that I have all day to think about it, my stress keeps building up. I have a habit of overthinking, too, thinking I'd upset her when I didn't, or thinking of how to fix a situation that was blown off (when I thought she was upset over it). At this point in my life, I don't know what to do. If I quit my job to once again have the free time to spend with her, and to get away from the stress of it (and not making much money - may as well be slave labour), I won't be able to save for us to be together. I feel I'd continue to beat myself up because I can't find anything, but, at the very least, I know I'd be happy again, being able to be with her. On the other hand, if I kept the job to be with her sooner (even though I already have the money saved to visit her right now, but I was gonna wait for one of our birthdays), but then I know I'd continue to be depressed.
Cont.
Keep in mind she's not perfect. She's amazing in plenty of regards, but there's still a few things about her that I wish she'd try to change. However, we're both human, I understand that she has her reasons for doing things. I feel that relationships are about accepting one another, not trying to change one another. Here's where the final problem is, in my opinion - with every boyfriend she had in the past, she did everything in her power to live for them, to exist for them, to make them happy. Every time her efforts were shot. Now, being with me, even though she says she doesn't want me to suffer or have to atone for other peoples' actions, she's taken it upon herself to live for herself. Yes, she cares for me, and whenever she has the chance she'll do things for me, but she also has her own agendas and a lot of the time it feels like she's prioritizing them over our relationship. Selfish, maybe, as she's used the word herself when talking about herself, but I can completely understand where she's coming from, and I even encourage her to live how she pleases. That being said, I still haven't really brought this issue up because I didn't want to put her on the spot, and it's the exact opposite of making her happy - which is my primary goal, as said in the beginning.
So, with this in mind, what do /adv/? Do I aim to make myself happy, but sacrifice the speed that we'll be together - or - do I continue to remain unhappy and hope it works out in the end, and that we can both put aside these issues until I somehow manage to get us together. Or is there some other option that I've looked over in my simplemindedness?
I'll answer any questions that don't give anything personal away, or anything that could somehow be traced back to either of us, but I'll do my best to provide information if it's requested.
>>17280388
>might take a few posts
>this girl
Nope that's enough. You're a pathetic little shit. One of many, in fact. You and your virgin circlejerk of robots can go back to >>>/r9k/, reddit, or whatever other sad site you came from. There is enough shit on this board without one more thread about women.
>>17280475
I'll take your word for it since I didn't read any of it.
>>17280467
At least I have the guts to try and better myself as a person. It sounds like you enjoy pretending that someone asking for advice is less important than another.
>>17280487
Listen up Bronte (any of them), if I wanted to read a novel I'd take one off the shelf and go for it.
I mean look at your sentence structure, or lack thereof. It's fucking disgusting. The subject material is lacking as well. No one cares about your story. Ask a question or don't post here.
>>17280496
I asked the question at the end, it's just difficult to ask it without reasoning. Other threads have had people asking for more when someone asks simply questions.
I wasn't here to ask for grammar critique, I don't proofread when I'm trying to pump something out. You have obligation to reply.
>>17280506
No obligation*.
Case in point. I don't proofread. You don't need to read it, either.
>>17280506
You want advice? Don't center your life around women.
>>17280514
Thanks bro, more constructive than the other things you've said. I've taken that into account before. I'll keep it in mind, though.
Holy fuck i actually read it. You're worse off than the rest.
Look, take this to heart: live your own life. You'll make your life hell if it's about saving someone, especially someone with a ton of problems.
Your goal is unreasonable and you're setting yourself up for failure with mental issues of two people as the icing on the cake.
Get help, urge her to get help, and move on with your life. There's no happy ending here.
God, okay I really read it now. Get the fuck out. This is toxic. She is toxic, even if she doesn't mean it. You can't help her, only therapy and herself can do that.
Move out somewhere. The easiest way to find a job is to expand your search to an entire country. Get a job, move out, and learn to enjoy life.
