2/?

It should be noted that, during the time of her telling me about considering the divorce, she also confessed to me that she had cheated on my father multiple times while she was deployed. I had no idea what to do with this information as a teenager, as I wanted to protect my mother, though I didn’t (and still don’t) agree with what she had done.

During the time leading up to the divorce, I went to a concert in a city a day’s trip away with a friend and my partner. My mom drove us, and while we were there, she met up with a childhood friend she had reconnected with (keep in mind that this man traveled around 600 miles to get to where we were), and had started developing a relationship with while she was still married to my dad. My friends and I were fairly uncomfortable with the idea of sharing a room with this man we had never met, and he and my mom wound up in a separate hotel room because of it. Being in the midst of the situation, it honestly didn’t seem that bad, just uncomfortable, but looking back on it, I realize how horrible this was of her.

Fast-forward to after the divorce, and I’m living with my mom. On more than one occasion she talks about how she “never could have done it,” without me and how “it took my kid telling me for me to finally get a divorce.” She says these things as compliments and basically praises me (to me AND her friends) for helping her end her marriage.

Over time, it starts eating away at me mentally; I’m beginning to realize that a divorce was a quick, lazy solution to problems that could’ve likely been solved via proper communication (she never made an effort to communicate her problems to my dad while they were married; it seemed like she simply expected him to know what he was doing wrong without being told). Now, as an adult with my own healthy, long-term relationship, I understand fully the rashness and foolishness of my mother’s decision, and I feel like the sole factor that made it happen.

3/?

Since the divorce, she’s had several short-lived relationships, her second-most recent having been a mostly long-distance one with a man who was married, and had been for I believe around forty years. They justified their relationship because there was “no love” left in the marriage, but despite this, I still didn’t like hearing about it, and my mother knew this. I would become markedly uncomfortable and silent when she brought him up, gushing about how happy he made her. Once she would notice my discomfort, she would say something like, “I know you don’t approve” or “I know how you feel about it, so I’ll be quiet,” and I would be made to feel badly because I didn’t want to hear about my mother being a mistress to a loveless marriage. Despite her knowledge of my thoughts on the ordeal, she would still continue bring him up unprovoked, much more often than I would have liked.

Ignoring the obvious reason of “she’s my mother and I should love her no matter what,” I feel overwhelmingly terrible about my resentment because her military service is paying for my college education, and the surplus from it is what’s allowing me to live comfortably and worry-free. I don’t feel I can divulge my feelings to her for fear it all turning into a guilt-trip about me being ungrateful for everything she’s done for me. I’ve expressed my sincere appreciation for what she’s done for me on numerous occasions, and it never seems to be enough to stop her from using it all as guilt-trip leverage.

4/?

I’m just so unbearably angry and annoyed at everything she does at this point. She’s in early retirement due to disability, so she’s just kind of doing nothing with her life outside of online shopping. She buys a fuckton of piddly little inexpensive shit off the internet, and then gives me like half of whatever she gets. Normally, I’d be fine with this, but I’m actively trying to de-clutter my life and get rid of as many things as possible, and she knows this. I’ve repeatedly asked her to stop buying me things because I have no room for them, but that never seems to stop her. Hell, while I was trying to get rid of some of my stuff in my room, she saw me put two stuffed animals that she had gotten me less than a year ago (that I specifically asked her not to get) into the “to get rid of” box, and she got upset and was all, “You love those!” and when I explained they were large, I had no attachment to them, and I needed to downsize, she just kind of scoffed, said, “Fine, do whatever,” and made me feel like an ass. I’ve been getting rid of things she’s given me behind her back because it all feels so hollow and empty, and I just don’t want to deal with her guilting me about it.

Nearly everything lately comes back to her making me feel bad about something. I ask her to stop buying me things since I’m trying to de-clutter? I’m the bad guy. I suggest she stop buying things just because they’re on clearance because she doesn’t actually need them? I’m a “fuddy-dud,” because I don’t want her to have new things. I suggest we shouldn’t get another cat because we already have four of them in a house that should have no more than two? She pouts at me like a goddamn toddler because I’m “no fun,” and gets one anyways.

5/5

I just don’t know what to do. I’m angry and I’m tired of her and her childish behavior. I’m tired of feeling like I’m the only one trying to be an adult between the two of us. I’m angry about the choices she made when I was younger. I’m furious about how she handled the divorce. It was amicable enough, but how can you possibly think it’s a good idea to involve your teenage daughter in the dirty details of it that heavily? Why on earth would you have an affair while you’re on a trip with your daughter and her friends, and why would you be so blatant and unashamed about it?

Goddamn, what the fuck am I supposed to do about all this? I’m like the only person she has. If I abandon her, what’s she gonna have left? I’m her “world,” according to her, and fuck, I want nothing more than to get away from her. Christ, half the reason I’m trying to downsize my life is so it’ll be easier to pack my shit and leave when I finally decide I’ve had enough.

Am I justified in my feelings? Is it fair of me to be so upset with her, even though she’s my mother? How should handle all of this?

Goddamn, sorry this went so long, and huge thanks to anyone who made it this far and actually answers.

>>17191518
>Am I justified in my feelings? Is it fair of me to be so upset with her, even though she’s my mother? How should handle all of this?


u stupid bitch, all this and all you want to know is if your feelings are right?

i ain't read all this, here's what you want to hear anyway

> you're right
> you're soooo right
> omg everyone else is wrong
> you're the only smart and sane one

>>17191530
Shit, man, I just want second opinions on this. It's not like I know literally anyone who's been in a situation even remotely similar to this to gain some kind of alternate perspective.

I'm not looking to hear that I'm right, I want to hear honest feedback from an outsider's view on the situation as a whole.

lol if you pack up and move out, you'd be running away from the problem just like she ran away from the marriage. You've already listed what you think should have happened instead of divorce, so do those things.

Honestly, this all sounds trivial. Real mommy problems are when she's insane, or disillusion, or has terrible people in her life. Try living with your mom when she tells you that god doesn't love you and you're going to burn in hell.

>>17191563
That seems fair. Working up the courage to talk to her is just going to be difficult because she likes to play the victim, and I'm sick of dealing with that.

I think a good portion of it is just little shit that's piled up over the years, so it seems worse than it is. The ordeal with her involving me in the divorce and literally having an affair right in front of me like it wasn't a big deal has screwed me up a bit though. I feel so guilty for not telling my dad at the time, and I think a lot about the whole thing being my fault because I "helped" her out of the marriage.

Thanks for your honesty, and taking time to read through everything; I really appreciate it.

How about you try to reconcile with your father, nothing too much, but at one point you should tell him what happened since he deserves closure. Also, tell you mother that you realize that what she did on that trip all those years ago is bad.
Good luck anonete

>>17191609
My dad's actually gone on to be much happier than my mom after all this. He's had two fairly long-term girlfriends (one just wasn't compatible after a while, but it was an amicable split), and is overall a pretty happy person. I live with him more often than not because he's closer to my college, and we're on really good terms now.

This is all really boiling down to me needing to grow a pair and just talk to my mom about all this before it gets any worse.

Thanks for getting through that wall of text, and for the advice!

>>17191503
Come to grips with this fact: She is never going to change.

So it your job to either walk away, let her rant without letting it bother you, accept it as the price you have to pay for the good things about her, or move out.

She is not going to change. You have to find the way to make her less able to upset you.

What do you mean by disability? Does she need someone to feed her or something?

TLDR;

No one's parents are perfect people. Think about how old they were when they had you. Think of other people that age. Yeah, our parents are people with flaws.

It's up to you to decide how much you want them to be a part of your life. Part of that is having your own life away from them. Trust me, it's a lot easier to love your parents when you only deal with them in 2-6 hour increments.

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>I was pretty sure I was trans for a long time, and I hated my body

>>17191518
>tl;dr I'm a cunt who wants her poor boohoo feelings validated ;___;

Fuck off cunt your mother lived for herself and did the right thing. If I had a daughter like you I would beat you and throw you out, your existence makes other people miserable with your nagging and bitching. Shut the fuck up. When I was a teenager I was adult enough to understand over people have problems too and empathize with them but noooooo the little selfish princess just wants everyone to coddle her because she's the only one that matters. Fuck you. You should kill yourself and if you aren't going to kill yourself your mother should kill you. She will be better off without a shit daughter like you. I wish I could punch you through the screen.

>>17191979

Fuck you, her mom is a fucking woman-child - she bitches that her husband is "too materialistic" and then buys a mountain of garbage? She also cheated on him continuously and IN FRONT OF HER OWN CHILD AND HER FRIENDS. She used the advice of her own teenage daughter as an justification for being a shitty ass person - what kind of adult does that instead of being the guardian and mentor for their child? Oh yeah, FUCKED UP ONES.

You wish you could punch her through the screen? How about you fist your own face first?

>>17192343
>>17192343
>what kind of adult does that instead of being the guardian and mentor for their child?
Fuck off OP a teenager is NOT a child and you should have been your own person already, My mother worked her ass off too because we fucking needed money and I was with my father a lot more than with her too but guess what? We understood she was doing it for us and I was always grateful to her for that, if I have good and financially independent life now it's thanks to her and if my father isn't starving on the street it's thanks to her, Also it's your biased cunt word that it's "garbage" so likely it's not garbage at all. Your mother is not your slave. She is entitled to her own life too. Especially when you're a freking teenager and you could fucking get a job go live alone and be fine, don't pretend you can't because my mother went to work and live alone at 13 and she was already far more mature than you OP you piece of shit. Grow up and fuck off or kill yourself. You're a teenager not a baby you don't need a guardian and mentor like a WAAAAAA WAAAAAAA I'M A BAAAAAABYYYY I CAN'T WIPE MY OWN AAAAAAAASSSSSSS you should fucking stand on your own legs. Your mother should have fucking beaten you to teach you a lesson.

At some point, maybe due to the separations during your childhood, your mother became your friend instead of being your mother. She stopped mothering you and failed to see your need for her as a mother still existed. Of course you resent that. She wanted a divorce and felt like getting your permission would mean you were okay with it and so you wouldn't be mad at her for leaving your dad. She keeps buying you things because she wants to give you something. She doesn't know what you really want from her, but she can sense the need in you for something from her. You need to be the one to open up this dialogue. She is clearly clueless. It won't be fixed with one or two deep heartfelt conversations. It will take a long time to turn this around. You both need to change the entire dynamic of your relationship. If you really want a mother daughter relationship with her, then get started, you have a lot to work through. At the same time, bear in mind she may not want the same thing or may not be able to acknowledge the need to change. It isn't about her owing you anything or you being judgmental. Just try to get to where you're happy. Be prepared to accept less than you want, she may not have it to give. I spent over 20 years trying to have a relationship with my absentee mother. I finally had to admit she just didn't have it in her to be a mother to me. I'm still friendly to her and will never tell her how I really feel about her. There's just no point hurting her feelings because she is just a broken person. Obviously, I'm a lot older than you and at your age I was still trying. There's no reason for you not to try. Just be prepared that it may not work. On the plus side, because of my sensitivity to my mother's failings, I strove to be a good mother to my own daughter, and now that she is grown, we are also best friends. But I am always, forever, her mother first.

>>17191658
She has some sort of problem with her hip that makes it really difficult/painful for her to walk, as well as several mental problems, not all of which I know the details of.

>>17192392
Dude I was fifteen and she asked for and TOOK my advice on how to handle her marriage. Fifteen-year-olds don't know shit about love and marriage, and why the fuck would you ask your own daughter about your marriage to her father?

>>17192434
You hit the nail right on the head. I think she started seeing me as a friend because she thought I was mature for my age, but that didn't mean I was prepared not to have a proper mother figure, especially after her being absent for so long already. I'd agree that her buying things is probably her trying to fill some sort of void or make up for something that she might sense is wrong. It's definitely going to be a tough thing to bring up, and a tougher thing to work through. Thank you so much for your advice; it really means a lot. I'm also glad you mentioned that it just might not work. It didn't really occur to me that it was something that might not be fixable, so being better prepared for that possibility will be a big help. Again, thank you for taking the time to read all of that and give such a genuine answer.