Welp, here goes:
I'm married. My marriage isn't great; we're not in love with each other, but we are a good team and we've been together for many years. We're heading towards divorce, of that I'm certain.
Recently, I connected with my best friend. We've known each other for 5 years, and spend a lot of time together. Previously, it was platonic, but there was always something special about it. She would always come to me with her problems, and open up to me in ways she wouldn't open up to other people. In that regard, it wasn't mutual; I tended to keep my cool and was a set of ears to comfort her. We have had a lot of fun over the years, but recently, it became more. I felt compelled to open up to her, and we connected...deeply. Over the course of a month in a half we fell deeply in love. We were skeptical at first; she's married as well, and is no longer in love with her husband. Maybe this was to be some fling for two dissatisfied spouses. However, the bond only grows stronger. When we're together, everything is perfect. Things I had taken for granted in the past, with my wife, or girlfriends before her, are so meaningful with my friend. Holding hands, cuddling, holding each other, going for walks...all of these things give me some happiness and peace, to the extent that I have never known. We crossed the line and have had sex several times. I thought that after sex, the magic would fizzle, as it often does with the quick-onset "love" people experience. Strangely, it only intensified our longing for each other.
I dare say we're soul mates, because when we're with each other our worries seem to melt and everything about the world feels right. We have the same goals for our lives, including building a home and a family with similar values and tastes. Our interests are very similar, and we love trying new things together. And, as I suggested to earlier, the sex is incredible. I've been with many women, and this is an entirely new experience for me...
...it's sublimely passionate, intense, emotional, and satisfying. She recently confessed that she always viewed sex as a chore, as a means to please a man. With me, she says, she feels intense love and connection when we share a bed, and that she doesn't want to go back to sex as it used to be, for her. So yes, we want similar things, like similar things, want to explore the world and the experiences it has to offer together, and we're at peace, and truly happy in each others' presence. I have never felt this level of attraction and connection to someone, and I've been "in love" many times, or so I've thought.
At this point, I want to be with her, as much as I can, for as long as I can. While my marriage is unraveling, especially since my wife and I have been more honest about no longer being in love, and not seeing a bright future, my friend's marriage is not at that point yet. She was considering divorce, for her own reasons, before all of this started, but that will not happen immediately. Waiting is no obstacle to me, and I would gladly be patient for the chance to be with her.
The trouble, of course, is that it isn't so simple. Our jobs will have us relatively far from one another, starting in 1 month...for what is likely to be 3 or 4 years. There is a chance I could be able to relocate closer to where she'll be, but there is a high probability that we'll be apart. The distance isn't terrible; it's a 7-8 hour drive, and a 1.5 hour flight (direct flight, inexpensive). It would be easy to see her several times a month during that time.
My question to myself, and to you guys, is...do I bite the bullet here? This is the kind of person, the match, the soul mate, that I gave up on finding a long time ago. Now she's figuratively here, and I can't let go of that. This is my chance to have the partner I've always wanted for myself. A true partner.
you're both cheaters then?
enjoy being right back here in a few years when it fades again and you cheat on each other again.
>>17174045
I've considered that, and so has she. Statistics show that can very likely happen. I don't have a response to you to negate that, other than that the real cheating would be turning my back on something so beautiful.
Personally, I would try salvaging the marriage. As you say, you're a good team. You've already got something that you know can work, if you're willing to out in a little effort. Why are you content with losing that? And for what? A woman who is willing to cheat on her husband? Is the grass really greener?
>>17174050
You speak eloquently for a cheating bastard but it's still all you and she are - cheating bastards. At least you seem to be on the path to divorce.
>>17174059
For a few years, I have dragged my feet on having kids, because I don't want to have children with my current wife. I settled, and kept lying to myself about it being fine, but is that really the answer? Saving a marriage that probably should never even happened? I don't get it.
Alright OP this is how this thread is going to go:
Regardless of what people's responses will be - some positive, mostly negative - you're going to defend being with this girl. Your mind sounds entirely made up, based on the way you've laid this out. I'm not even sure why you're asking us for advice.
Leave your wife and husband and get together then, instead of sneaking around with the "secrecy" of an affair justified by you "losing feelings" and see if it works out
>>17174080
Hm, you've got a good point. I know what I want. I guess it's that, a) I'm afraid of being apart for so long, b) I'm afraid of her not taking the leap too, at some point, and c) this feels like my one shot to have something like this, and if I lose it, I'll probably never find such a great fit. I wish I knew how to make everything end up the way I wanted to, but there are so many variables at play.
>>17174082
Here's the problem: I am more than ready to reveal what's going on. The problem is, if I do, it goes back to her and fucks up her life. She isn't ready to get divorced yet, because she wants to give it more time to be 100% certain that this is the real deal and not emotional headgames in the setting of what we're both going through.
>>17174086
She isn't ready because she doesn't feel as strongly about you as you do about her. You're a backup plan to her. A penis that cuddles.
>>17174097
It's really not about the sex, though. Our time together is mostly talking and going for walks. She definitely gets something out of it re: reassurance, cuddles, support, but her husband has always been very supportive. Also, the look she has in her eyes when she looks at me, especially when I'm about to leave...it's like her heart is about to break because I won't be there. She showed up at my work with food when I was having an awful day over the weekend, which is on a level of kindness that nobody has ever done for me. I have trouble believing that I'm just a penis and cuddles when she does things like that.
>>17174105
Words words words; you deserve the heartbreak she's gonna put you through. You're both cheaters.
>>17174127
Yikes, alrighty then, thanks buddy.
>>17174131
You can write as many books as you want about how in love you are but she has reservations so your feelings are not returned. Without returning your feelings she still cheated on her current husband. You don't don't deserve your current spouses and you will not last as a couple either. Hard truths.
>>17174142
I'm having trouble with the conclusions you draw.
1) "She has reservations so your feelings are not returned" How is this the case? Not wanting to immediately divorce doesn't mean she doesn't share my feelings, it could be a variety of things, from her being less impulsive, more cautious, not at the same stage in her marriage, etc.
2) "You will not last as a couple either" Statistically speaking, yes. But what you should be saying is, "Your chances of lasting as a couple are low based on your circumstances." Just like hard work can repair a broken (but salvageable) marriage, hard work can protect a relationship between people who have strayed.
>>17174086
Give her space. Stop trying to be the nail in her marriage's coffin. Just because you messed up your own marriage, doesn't mean you should aggressively try to destroy someone else's.
>>17174158
>Just like hard work can repair a broken (but salvageable) marriage
Indeed. So why aren't you working hard to fix your own?
>>17174158
You're talking about hard work while doing nothing but taking the easy paths of infidelity and divorce.
>>17174165
The easiest path would be to stay with my wife and just enjoy the ride with my friend until we're far apart. Divorce is NOT easy.
>>17174161
I'm not trying to pressure her. She said she'd need time, and I told her she'd have all the time she needs to tell me what she decides to do. In the meantime, I'm not going to let my wife be misled. Part of being honest is in ending my marriage, because clearly I don't want to stay in it.
>>17174027
Dump the broad you're married with. You don't love each other and you dont have kids. The girl you really want is yours pretty much. I would sabatoge her marriage just to fasten the process. Get "caught" if you know what I mean
>>17174198
As much as that's the perfect way to get what I want...it would hurt her a great deal to do that, and it would also be dishonest. Yes, my situation now is dishonest, but that's now how this is going to work.
>>17174050
I'm speaking as somebody who went through an almost (scarily so) identical situation, only I was due to get married and had been with my partner for eight years. I had a friend who I'd known longer than my partner who I always went to for advice. I always had a soft spot for them but decided to remain separate for the sake of my existing relationship, as I was very settled and extremely secure.
There was nothing wrong with my relationship, we just had no spark. My feelings were developing into something more for my friend so I made the decision to end my relationship and see where things went with my friend.
It's exactly how you describe things with your friend. We get along at such a deep level, everything feels intensified compared to previous relationships BUT it's all realistic and comes so naturally. Neither of us are romantics at heart and are both very critical but it just works for us. I don't believe in soul mates but we're incredibly happy.
I can't tell you what to do. By sleeping with this woman, you've already crossed a line. Will you tell you wife about this? Would you go straight into a relationship with this new woman?
You have a lot to think about. Try not to let your heart rule your head and be sensible. I don't regret a thing but there are times when I wonder how things would have been if I'd just stayed.
>>17174222
Thanks for that, it was very helpful.
Basically,
a) I have to be honest with my wife, and
b) I need to chase what I want
>>17174230
No, you need to decide whether you want to stay with your wife before embarking on a relationship with this other woman. You obviously like her a lot but you need to separate out the two, otherwise you will hold her responsible for everything if they don't work out and you have regrets.
It's not healthy to leave one relationship and jump into another. You need time to recover and get in the right mindset. I would recommend making a decision on the situation with your wife, acting on that, sorting out your life (if you own any property, the divorce, etc) and then when everything is dealt with, then think about beginning a relationship with this other woman.
Another thing...make sure that if you do decide you want a relationship with her, you allow her to move at her own pace. Do not pressure or manipulate her into leaving her current marriage, regardless of how unhappy she says she is. I can guarantee this will cause resentment at a later stage if she's not ready.
>>17174296
Understood. Thanks, that sounds very reasonable.
>>17174299
No problem. Best of luck with it all :)
I know others have commented on your infidelity but I understand the reasons behind why you did it. The important thing now is that you show your wife the respect she deserves by either telling her what happened and asking for her forgiveness or deciding to end the relationship. I would probably stop sleeping with this woman in the meantime and focus on your current relationship.
It'll all work out in the end OP. Just please try to stay level headed.
>>17174309
Really great advice mate, thanks again.
I've been through a couple of divorces. Only the first featured infidelity which wasn't even the main reason I had for leaving that one. Divorce sucks, but what sucks more is a bad marriage that you drag out longer than you know you should. You know if it's over. If it is then admit it and end things. Don't reveal the affair to your wife. Spare her feelings. Have a good time with your girlfriend, but recognize you both may be using each as a life raft after falling off a sinking ship. Just don't marry her for at least awhile. Trust me on that. Jumping right into another intense relationship before another is completely finished isn't necessarily the relationship what you may want in a years time.
