Were you molested? That's what it sounds like.

I understand. Do you have any memory of this?

It wasn't your fault!

>>17160014
No, I don't think so. I don't remember anything like that.

I grew up in a very strict Catholic home.
My mother was neurotic about everything and I followed in her footsteps up until a certain age. I can remember talking like a mad man and trying to convert people to Catholicism.

I also have memories with dating girls in highschool. I remember doing sexual things but being the kid I was I didn't know what I was doing. I did really embarrassing things.

I don't know how to explain but these things fuck with my head.

I have been in this situation. Literally these thoughts pop into your head all day. No abuse here but cringe things I did sexually to other people when I was younger. It was like all these years and all of a sudden it's popped into my head and I couldn't get rid of it. What helped me was I told my most trusted friend scared to death of judgment. It worked. I no longer have those memories pop into my head it's like a weight lifted. Maybe you should try and if not, therapy might be an answer. You may have another issue psychologically that is making you do this. Good luck to you I know it sucks but you'll get through it.

>>17160088
I really don't have anyone like that.
My closest friend is someone that's really competitive with me. Telling them is a bad idea.

I see where your coming from. Maybe posting it online may help. I think actually getting it out of your body through written or oral communication will help you greatly. Sounds weird but maybe a suicide hotline or abuse hotline? It helped me to orally say it. But just know that you were younger. You didn't understand and fully know what you were doing. Everyone makes mistakes. But I feel like most people forget about them. Just some people like you and I are haunted by it.

Coudnt agree more. You need to share it with someone. Either talk to someone who might be having a similar problem or a hotline. Youll probably be surprised by what youll get out of it. Helped with my depression. Different thing i know. But still

>>17160127
Maybe it has to do with how I see people.
Age, is just a counter of time and our experience alive.
A child is an adult in the sense that they are both human. Now, one is vastly more experienced usually and had went through much more but they are still both humans.
I'm still a result of my experiences and the actions I took through them.

My child self is my past self but still a part of me.
I just deny it so vehemently because it makes me sick to think about it.

I know this isn't what you probably want to hear but, you need to acknowledge it and accept that it happened. Yes you are still you, and because you are human, you made mistakes that at the time you didn't see. If the human race were perfect without flaws we wouldn't live on planet earth.

>>17160148
You're right.
I don't want to accept it.
It's easier to act like it never happened. Like that wasn't me.

we all do embarrassing things when we're young, and i think (to a degree) it's normal to feel a little ashamed of it. however, it's important to remember that you were just a kid and obviously as you grow older you're going to behave and think differently. it only makes sense that being so different from the current you would feel alienating. i think that this is also something that comes with age too; i notice that a lot of older people don't really get embarrassed as much as people my age and younger. it'll fade with time, but just remember that you're okay now and you were okay back then too.