Hi /adv/
There is something I noticed with my boyfriend of 2 years. Whenever I am stressed, mad or upset, he pulls away from me and doesn't really talk to me. Are all guys like this or was I really lucky with my ex? My ex used to cuddle me and text me until I felt better again but my current boyfriend just goes silent until I come around.
I am thinking maybe he is not the right one for me since I don't feel like I can find comfort in him when I am upset.
Deal with your issues like an adult and don't expect to constantly lean on him.
If anything ask him for advice on how to deal with your shit as he should ideally be supportive but to be expected to be comforted all the time is tough for anyone to provide that level of care.
>>17092535
He doesn't wanna deal with your shit. Smart kid.
>>17092535
When his time comes to be all sad and depressed and stressed out due to life - pull this exact same shit on him. Everyone goes through bouts of bullshit - that is life. You're supposed to be supportive with eachother damn
I do this to my girlfriend sometimes. Its not like I'm punishing her for anything, I just need space sometimes. There isn't a reason for it.
Talk to him about it sometime when you're not stressed. Maybe he isn't sure what to do and is just giving you your space. Don't hold him at fault for not always being able to comfort you, but do talk to him about it being something that helps.
>>17092535
>My bf is supposed to deal with my tantrums
The entitlement is real.
>>17092666
This OP. When a guy is stressed or mad about something they generally want to be left alone to cool off and analyze the situation. That's probably what he does when he's mad, and what he's learned to back off when other guys around him are mad. I'd wager he's just doing what he thinks is best, and I'd just talk to him about it.
Depends on how stupid your emotions are. If your grandma died of course I'm gonna comfort you, but if you're complaining about "stress" at work, that doesn't exist outside of your mind, then no I'm not gonna bother myself with it.
>>17092535
yeah a lot of them are, they dont own up to the emotional part just the physical part.
Learn to deal with your own problems they are not his responsibility. Leave him be for goodness sakes.
Go back to your ex if he still wants to put up with your shit anymore. I'd really suggest ending the relationship though for the sanity of your current bf.
>>17092737
Guys don't get a lot of experience with people feeling sorry for them, we're kind of just told to shut the fuck up and get on with life. Some guys know how to tell girls what they want to hear when they're sad, so OP needs to decide if that's important to him/her.
Well, why coddle? Think about it. Instead of dealing with the problems, you just seek safety and comfort. Maybe you have done something wrong or you're complaining about something minuscule and he realizes it. Maybe it's your ex dealing with your shit that didn't really treat you like a person with agency, but instead like a child because it's easier that way.
I mean sure, being supportive is a good thing in times of need. When you lose someone. When your situation is really dire in terms of survival. When you feel your life threatened. When someone has lied to you for years. But if this is frequent with small subjects, what do you think a rational person is going to do? Why should he keep up with that?
>>17092535
My advice would be to get out of your current relationship. He will never be there to comfort you. You didn't just get lucky with your ex, there are plenty of men out there that will treat you like the queen you are. He sounds like a self absorbed jerk that is only concerned with himself. And all these A holes saying bs like deal w/ your issues like an adult and he doesn't want to deal with your shit, don't listen to that crap, they just happen to be the same kind of self absorbed jerk. Take advice from someone who is in the same situation as you, it's not you, it's him. Everyone needs emotional support and many many many men can give you that. Don't settle for anything less than a man that makes you feel like you are the center of his world. You deserve to be happy! btw love the pic :)
>>17092793
lel
>>17092793
Ah, man. Take someone's legs and they will kiss your butt because they no longer have to walk. It's hilarious this mentality these days.
>>17092748
I'd suggest ending the relationship for your sanity, you are one of those self absorbed jerks too :p
>>17092545
like this one too, self absorbed jerk :p
>>17092568
and this one, we have another self absorbed jerk haha
That's how I might act if my gf got upset for petty, nonsensical reasons. If she were upset over something real, I'd comfort her any way I could.
>>17092622
not all men are like this a hole, stay clear of this kind of pos
>>17092732
another POS, you'd do good to stay single or just find someone as cold as you.
>>17092815
>>17092818
>>17092820
What is this nigga on about? Self absorb? You mean like, self absorb my dick?
>comes here for advice
>calls everyone a jerk
Women, everybody.
>>17092568
This to an extent.
I dealt with my ex WAY too much even catered to her in the same fashion OP's ex did.
I think doing that to an extent is FINE, but over-doing it is not something you should partake in.
I mean shit it shouldn't be measured it depends on the person.
If you care a lot about the person and you WANT to be for them 100%, you will.
If you don't, you won't.
>>17092810
if he doesn't suit her needs no reason why all these self absorbed a holes should be telling her to change. Either the man is right for you or he isn't. And these F*ed up opinions come from the same type of man that she is dealing with. Why on earth should she listen to the same type of man that isn't making her happy?
>>17092837
I called you a holes jerks lol not her
>>17092854
kys
I've had boyfriends AND girlfriends who do this - they just avoid you when you need them around the most. It's not about gender completely... I'd say it's about emotional availability and understanding.... and also about their needs as well.
If he does not need YOU for emotional support, I wouldn't expect him to understand that you need him for it. This is unlikely to change within the span of your relationship (I'm assuming you're both in your 20s), so I would talk to him about it reasonably and calmly, and break up on amicable terms if possible.
Of course, what a few of the people in this thread are saying is also true - a woman in this world has to have her shit in control 10 times better than any man, or she'll never make it. You have to take care of yourself and your own mental health. This includes finding a suitable partner who shares your ability and desire to empathize and comfort/be comforted when under duress.
To all the men; it's such a joy to "be there" for the person you love, and to have somebody "be there" for you. If they're hurting, just sitting by them and holding them can make everything feel a little better.
When you get a little more mature, and you're able to loosen up on the "be a man" mentality, let yourself be comforted by your girlfriend. It feels good, and it's the foundation of a good relationship.
tl;dr
Leave him because you're incompatible, learn to stand up on your own, find a man who makes it even easier to do, make it easy for him too, spread the love.
My gf is like you OP. She's constantly stressed/anxious/upset about something.
It's gotten so bad I'm questioning whether she has some kind of personality disorder. She's seeing a therapist and she wants her to try to focus on dealing with her stress and anxiety on her own and not be so reliant on me for comfort.
I'm sorry OP but your last bf made the mistake of coddling you and comforting you for any little thing that made you upset/stressed. Don't let that be the norm. You can deal with shit on your own.
>>17092858
just like dis one lolol
>>17092860
There's just a difference between being there for someone and dealing with shit all the time. That's just what most people talk about. We get that some comfort is ok from time to time but takin being always cold or to coddle always are not good approaches.
Also this is in many occasions not mutual. You can't go begging for hugs if you're not willing to put your arms behind that person's back, but it happens and it's normal that people would react to it. Sure you can have a guy leave that "man up" mentality around life issues but a lot of good is it going to do if the people who surround him still hold on to that portion of himself.
>>17092904
but being always cold*
>>17092535
its not his responsibility to deal with your drama, its yours. he probably doesent say anything because he doesent want to ignite the situation.
>>17092535
>Whenever I am stressed, mad or upset, he pulls away from me and doesn't really talk to me
maybe that's just what works for him so he thinks you'd be the same way
I know when I get pissed I don't want people all over me trying to make me "feel better" it just pisses me off more
>>17092793
the crap they tell girls, I swear to god...
>>17092535
Some guys know how to work with a woman's emotions, what to say and do to push the "feel good" button. It's a skill men develop over time, if they're interested in the sport.
Some guys don't know how to do this. Others don't want to all the time.
A guy "going silent" is some symptom of the third category, the output of your feelings are affecting him in a negative way. He's probably annoyed, angry, or depressed because he's having trouble playing your mood. He's turtling to either guard himself, or guard the relationship from himself.
If he said what he was feeling, you would become unattracted, making some other post about how "my bf gets angry for no reason" or "my bf is depressed all the time" or "my bf ignores me".
Most women and a lot of men don't understand how they emote can actually affect other people. They're wrapped up in how they feel, they don't consider it. Men who are charming, players, masculine, usually get so by rising above a woman's emotions in some way... dealing with them out of compassion, or as one does the weather, or infantilizing them to play them.
Humans are real though, everyone has their limit. You have to decide for yourself if you care about this person. If you do, understand how your feelings can affect him and vice versa. Sometimes it's not good to just bleat out whatever you feel like and wait for someone else to swoop in and change your mood. If that idea sounds offensive to you, you might be happier with a man with thicker skin.
I don't know, I'm not aware how you feel about each other. Maybe he really likes you and is doing his damnedest to spare the relationship despite being shit on. Maybe he's two seconds from dumping you. Maybe you are in one or the other column about him.
One thing that's obvious though, is you understand your own behavior and you are very concerned about how his reaction makes you feel. You seem far less concerned about how the things you do make him feel.
>>17092535
perhaps he has had unpleasant experiences with angry females in the past, and his instinct is now to avoid them until they have leveled out
>>17092860
wisest advice I've seen in a while
>>17092958
It's good advice for when a relationship is becoming committed long-term, when both parties are coming to realize they've forgotten where they've stowed the parachutes.
Behaving like this with a woman you're dating (in this context, meaning anything before being long into a cohabitation situation) will result in posts like OP.
>>17092535
You're remembering your ex wrong. Women always look at the past fondly, because they're stupid
>>17092820
>>17092825
>>17092831
Mad roastie detected?
Some people will comfort you and think you need comforting, some people will think you need space and respect that.
But if you're basing who's "right for you" on how well they can read your mind... no one is. No such thing as a "perfect" match.
People can be different and shit.
Honestly, based on my experiences, I ask like "what's up?" once to show I care then drop it and let them have their space. Sometimes people just need time to chill.
>>17092535
>asks for advice
>calls jerk to anyone who doesn't share her opinion
>wondering why her bf doesn't want to put up with her childish behaviour
Is this bait?
It's because he's maybe had bad experiences with women in the past.
My ex was a whiny child and would throw tantrums at the drop of a hat and expect me to stop doing whatever and comfort her for sometimes hours to make her feel better.
Now whenever a girl is throwing a shit-fit I totally shut down.
>>17093214
There been a lot of bait threads lately.....
And not to mention that annoying tripfag has been gone for a suspiciously long time.
>>17093223
I mostly moved on but I come back and lurk just a teeny bit now and again
Some guy is keeping the legacy alive kek but its not me
