Suicide

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I've been thinking about killing myself for a long time.

I'm fucking exhausted. I was born in a small yuropoor country and I've been always taught that to be happy I should make some friends, get a girlfriend, find a good job and create a family.

When I was in highschool I decided that I'll try to be one of the 'alphas'. I went to the parties, drank alcohol, smoked weed and that kind of stuff. I was trying to pretend to be a narcisstic extrovert and it worked.

And now I can't take it anymore. Any traces of my true personality have vanished - I hang out with people I dislike, I have a girlfriend which I don't love (and we'll probably break up when I'll tell her that I have phimosis) and I wear clothes that I wouldn't even look at. I've become a social god, but talking to people started to be more exhausting than my job.

Advice like 'just do what you really want to do' is useless, because I no longer know what I want to do. I'm just tired of everything and just staying at home is just as bad as going to the party and talking to all these masculine dudes and dumb sluts.

I have no hobbies, no passions - I used to love video games, movies, books, skiing, programming and now nothing interests me. I can't force myself to do any of this stuff. I tried new things and none of them interested me.

The truth is that I was always worried what other people think about me. When I started considering suicide my first thought was 'how should I do it to not be rememered as a fag'.

Help.