So my ex of a couple weeks called me yesterday morning to tell me she's pregnant. She's a physical and emotional wreck and there is no world where she and I can raise a functional human child. Due to her physical ailments, her doctor said he would be surprised if she could carry it to term, or whether she could survive a pregnancy at all.
This is a very tender situation as I don't intend to get back together with her but I am absolutely horrified that she would attempt to keep it out of spite or to keep me around. As such, I've been very sympathetic to her. Told her I will help her through everything financially or otherwise, and have basically told her that I never wanted to leave and we should work on us. I know telling someone these things disingenuously is borderline psychotic, but I can NOT leave this up to chance, or worse, up to her. She's going to be coming around to talk about things and "work on us" until I can get her to the obgyn to get the pills. My brain has been a pile of shit since I found out, so I'm hoping to get some clarity here so I don't fuck this up.
Notes: she told me afterward that she hadn't been on her B.C. for that last week we were together. I'm containing my rage to not throw things off course.
I haven't seen her pregnancy test for myself so I'm aware of the possibility it could be a cry for attention, but again, not taking any chances right now. Help.
>>16583509
What do you want us to do? Kick her down a flight of steps?
>>16583578
Might get to that point. I'm more looking for folks who have had similar issues revolving around an unwanted pregnancy with either an ex or someone they saw unfit to be a mother. Also any creative ideas as to how I can find out for sure her pregnancy results or whether her visit to the OB-GYN actually happened. Again, I'm trying to use a light touch as I don't want her to think I'm suspicious. I am not an actor so I want to have a plan in place.
Can't you leave it to the doctors? If it will likely kill her, don't they need to do something? If you don't know if that conversation happened, just say you want to go with her to the doctor to talk about options.
Sorry to hear that OP, sounds like a nightmare.
My tips:
1. If you haven't already, confirm she is actually pregnant 100% and that it's not just a cry for attention like you mentioned. Obviously you can't outright ask, you need to be sneaky about it (e.g. ask her how long she's known and how she found out, go to the doc with her).
2. Sit down with her and have a frank and honest talk about this. That is, tell her you don't feel like either of you can handle a pregnancy for all the reasons you said. Stop seeing her as the enemy here - I get she has problems and right now she's a 'threat' to you, but I'm betting you will feel like ABSOLUTE SHIT (you said 'psychotic') if you carry on trying to handle this situation 'disingenuously'. You may just be trying to do the right thing, if there is such a thing, but the guilt could seriously fuck you up, and you will do more harm to the situation by lying to her and making false promises than if you treat her with some honesty and compassion and work on trying to have each side understand the other, and try to resolve things that way. I sincerely believe the best course of action is to PERSUADE her to terminate the pregnancy (if that's what you want) and support her through it than to try to 'trick' her into it.
In any case, good luck OP and I hope whatever happens that everyone turns out OK.
>>16583656
For my own guilty reasons, I wouldn't let her down hard with a big reveal or anything, I'd just say I am unable to get over how she'd acted before, say it's too much to process, etc. I'm not trying to leave a trail of flames. But you give sound advice otherwise. All stuff I've thought out. I definitely have been honest with her about my feelings that we, and she, are not ready for a child. And truly, I would not want her to risk her life over it, but then I'm a godless heathen who doesn't think human caviar is a person yet; she claims no god either for the record.
I understand coming clean would be honorable and there's a chance it could work, but I know her well enough to bet that her clinically diagnosed anxiety could get the upper hand. That's what I'm betting against. If I can BS my way through it with some forced feelings, I think I can factor that out. Thanks, really.
What does she have that makes it difficult and dangerous to give birth?
>>16583509
>I don't intend to get back together with her
>told her that I never wanted to leave and we should work on us
YOU DON'T DESERVE HELP
DIE IN A HOLE
>>16583674
>>16583674
Just be careful. I don't mean to doubt your conviction, but you're in a very challenging situation here and most likely under a LOT of pressure. Therefore, your mind is biased towards things you might regret in hindsight. You might think 'oh, I can handle the guilt' etc., but you're saying that as a person who's very scared that you might end up with a child.
You're also jumping to the conclusion that she would want to keep the child (even out of spite); do you absolutely know this? She might have emotional issues, but keeping a child out of spite is an incredibly drastic thing to do. Like, seriously. And, are you sure she, assuming she's at least vaguely rational, would want to keep the child knowing all the dangers involved (i.e. that she would probably die)? And what if she could be persuaded to terminate the pregnancy, but your false promises convinced her to keep it? (whatever your plan, I would say that from now on you should try not to mention supporting her again)
As an outside observer, I would say the 'disingenuous' path could end in a lot of trouble. Coming clean to her isn't about 'doing the honourable thing' [You're not a bad guy here, you're a scared guy] - it just seems like a more sensible thing to do to be honest - you can listen to her side of the story and counter-argue it directly (but of course sensitively), rather than trying to 'trick' her into terminating it.
Also, talk to other people about this. I'm just a guy on /adv/. Get other opinions - ask everyone you can trust about it. And once again, good luck!!!
>>16583686
Abortion in 2nd trimester when she was younger. I know.
>>16583831
I split the difference. I told her regardless of our current situation, we have some issues that we just might not be able to work out. The plan is to pick up her prescription together Tuesday. I don't think she intends to try and see it through either way. Thank you for your clarity of mind. I can't tell anyone around me right now since I don't really know what's going on yet and prefer to keep this entire situation private if possible.
Being dishonest - "disingenuous" as you say - might be the wrong move here OP.
Thinking that she has your support and commitment (financially and/or otherwise) could make it more likely that she'll keep the kid, thinking "well the dad will be here to pay the bills."
I'm with one of the other posters in this thread: Be frank and honest about it. A touchy situation, yes, but she's more likely to "fix" the situation if she thinks she's on her own in this.
>>16584902
To clarify, I never said I would support a child. I've been very clear to her that I don't think I would be able to. I mean for her medication, and if she needs help getting around, etc. And I'm pledging my emotional support because women have that issue where even when they don't want it/can't have it, an abortion is against their biological nature. Not to mention, she is now under the impression that it will be difficult for her to get pregnant in the future when it is planned.
>>16585013
>she is now under the impression that it will be difficult for her to get pregnant in the future when it is planned.
Yeah that tends to be another pretty big issue with abortions, or multiple ones.
