My girlfriend and I have a good relationship overall. We're happy together. We live 6 hours apart, and I drive to see her 3-4 days a week.
She lives in a house with a couple of room mates, and is a bit impulsive. She spends a lot of money on her bad habits, while having massive student loans. She has a room mate that encourages those bad habits, and is generally a pretty bad person.
This bad room mate wants to get a dog, a Collie no less, and I mentioned to my girlfriend that the room mate would never, ever be there to take care of the dog and it would essentially become her dog. My girlfriend loves animals so she is ok with this(she has a dog of her own), and because it wasn't a bad thing to her she got extremely mad at me, taking it so far as to say that I always do that kind of thing.
I worry a lot, again because she is impulsive and I have to be so far away from her so often. I understand I am supposed to respect her, trust her, etc. And I do, but I fully intend to marry this girl in a very short amount of time, and I consider her big decisions to be our big decisions. She seems to think this too, but at the same time she wants to be independent and make her own decisions, even the big ones. I feel she kind of wants to have her cake and eat it too.
One thing she has specifically said, which makes this incredibly difficult and heart breaking for me, is that I am "smarter than her", and she can't defend herself when we have any kind of debate about her decisions. She says she feels helpless because I'm always right.
I just don't know how to deal with this. Can someone talk to me?
>>16452794
>impulsive
>spends a lot of money on bad habits
>makes bad decisions
>admits being dumber than you
Why would you want to marry a woman like that? Are you sure you have sit and thought about this seriously and thorough?
>>16452800
>>admits being dumber than you
The thing is she is wrong. She is brilliant. She's had a bad life. Bad home life, bad first boyfriend, just bad luck. She struggles with helplessness.
>>16452809
Fine, my point still stands. Why would you want to marry such a woman?
If she is fine with getting the dog then let her. She has independence but not responsibility. The challenge here for you is to leave her alone so she can learn. You can't always be there to try and save her from shitty experiences. You sound more like a father figure than a boyfriend. You should reconsider your idea about getting married soon.
>>16452820
Because outside of these narrow issues she is smart, compassionate, interesting, and ultimately she is just a good partner. She brings out good things in me and, ultimately, she is one of few people I can stand to be around. She's just "right".
>>16452794
>We live 6 hours apart, and I drive to see her 3-4 days a week.
Good lord, man. I wonder what your gas bill looks like.
This woman might change a little, but she's not going to change a lot unless she's really dedicated to it. And it sounds like she loves spending money and making immature choices.
This will soon be your money if you marry her.
Does she really stimulate you intellectually if there is such a massive divide? Are you ever going to trust her to take care of herself? Is she going to he a constant worry who you have to babysit? Someone who resists that babysitting?
What are her redeeming factors?
>>16452831
>You can't always be there to try and save her from shitty experiences.
We've reached the point where her shitty experiences are my shitty experiences though. I've been through years of letting that stuff happen. I really appreciate your help, and you're right to a point.
>She is brilliant
Considering she cannot recognize the fact she keeps giving in to her "bad habits," I'd say you are wrong.
>>16452839
Exactly. Is she worth it if she's going to keep bringing in these shitty experiences when there is nothing you can do to stop it?
>>16452839
There is that savior mentality. When she runs into a problem you need to let her deal with it herself. I guarantee you she will respect you more for it. Because this shows that you believe in her ability to take care of her own shit. Even if she makes a mistake. This is about respect and responsibility, not about love.
She has given you a clear message that you need to back off. It doesn't matter that you're right, she needs to be able to figure this stuff out on her own. You can't hold her hand through these things, if you try to while it might work out short term, it will skew the dynamic of your relationship and she will likely resent you. She will start to long for someone who doesn't make her feel like she needs to be supervized, hell, you might start to long for someone you don't need to baby.
Talk to her about it. Explain that it does worry you the way she spends, but you let her words sink in and realize you can't play her father and she needs to figure out how she wants to do things, and in her own time. If you're lucky this will motivate her and she will feel more free to seek out other people's advice or even do her own research and start making smarter decisions. Even if she does not, as I mentioned above I just don't see how nagging or handholding her is going to make things better. Give her back her agency.
And do not marry her short term. It doesn't matter how amazing she is, you live six hours apart (have you even lived together yet?) and she is obviously a liability financially and for the overall stability of a household and a family. How old is she? Especially if she's under 25, I see no reason to want to tie the knot right away. Let her mature first, being a stellar girlfriend is not the same as making a stellar wife. She sounds like she's doing the first but not showing potential for the latter yet.
>>16452794
smarter is a vague word ^^
why you worried? no worry be happy!
Tell her to fucking listen
Getting a Collie is dumb shitty idea.
Tell her to get an old stray dog from the shelter.
Opie is out. Couldn't take his little girl getting shit on.
