Females of /adv/.
What would it take to get you to forgive a man who cheated? Assuming this cheater actually did something like go on holiday with his mistress.
I've been cheated on once and I forgave him pretty quickly. It's just who he is. I don't think he did it out of cruelty. I honestly think he doesn't know how to behave better than that.
I'll still never speak to him again. I forgave him but that doesn't mean I'd ever be stupid enough to be with him anymore.
>>16448725
You're fucked, man. Just cut your losses and find a new woman.
>>16448725
>What would it take to get you to forgive a man who cheated?
You're going to get a lot of varied answers.
For me, if it was a one-time thing and he never saw that person again, I wouldn't hold it against him. But I could no longer be with him. If he actually had a mistress and spent a lot of time/money on her, to where they were at the point where there's emotional investment, I'd be gone in a heartbeat. Because that means he deliberately went behind my back, kept these secrets, and invested in another person.
>>16448777
>>16448754
It's hard for me to explain this fully but I feel like when we (men) cheat, it doesn't mean we don't love you. Not at all. We still want you to be a part of our lives.
There's this division sometimes where a girlfriend becomes this companion, the person you love but not necessarily the person who titillates you in the way a new partner does. So we don't want to lose you just because we made a slip up with an affair or whatever.
>>16448788
That doesn't really change things. I can't love a man I can't trust, and no man is worth the anxiety that infidelity causes.
>>16448788
>It's hard for me to explain this fully but I feel like when we (men) cheat, it doesn't mean we don't love you.
If you're in a monogamous relationship, and you cheat, then you don't give a shit about the other person's feelings. If you resort to cheating, then it's still on you--you should know that you can't handle these types of relationships.
>There's this division sometimes where a girlfriend becomes this companion, the person you love but not necessarily the person who titillates you in the way a new partner does.
Then try to be friends. But cheating on her isn't the way to go about it, because she will one day find out. And it will absolutely destroy her.
>So we don't want to lose you just because we made a slip up with an affair or whatever.
>slip up
>affair
>mistress
Yeah, that's not a slip up. That's a deliberate repeated action. You can rationalize this all you want, but it won't end well for you.
>>16448788
The question isn't a lack of love. It's the choice to jeopardize the things you value in life. You risked the person you love for the titillation. Even if that slip up isn't malicious, it's not at all a choice that I'm going to accept or even risk subjecting myself to again.
>>16448788
truth
my ex was (and still is) the most important person to me on the planet, but after 3 years I really wanted to sleep with another girl
>>16448814
Is that why you're now referring to her as your ex?
>>16448802
So what if he spends money on her and fucks her? It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. You're, to borrow an example, the wife and mother of his kids. Way more than that whore ever will be.
>>16448804
It's deliberate and repeated but it's window dressing, it's just for the sex and novelty of it all.
I assume if you two had kids, you'd think differently about it.
And you'd kill a man if you left him, you'd hurt him even more badly than he had hurt you. Especially if you were married. Have some empathy. Think about the image of your future husband crying on his knees and begging you to stay.
>>16448817
No, actually. I got depressed because of my job and she moved away because of school.
>>16448814
Most men and women have these urges. But decent people just know that they shouldn't act on them if they value their partner, because that urge to sleep with another person will quickly pass. But if it's not a fleeting feeling, then it's time to talk about it and work something out. If that doesn't work, then you break it off.
>>16448814
They're trying to imply we don't love our girlfriends or wives, it's not that, it's purely physical, even if we spent money on her or had an affair it was just for the physical novelty of it all, the sex.
I have another question.
Other girls, how can you trust men? I don't understand it. Most men cheat at some point. To me it seems pointless to even bother with them.
>>16448837
girls do too, and usually for more damaging reasons
>>16448822
>I assume if you two had kids, you'd think differently about it.
No, I wouldn't, because I found out about my dad cheating on my mother. Being around him made me miserable and I grew to hate him. I wouldn't want him to slip up and have the kids eventually find out. That's not to say that he wouldn't still be an active part of their lives. That door will always be open. But using children as an excuse is really sad.
>And you'd kill a man if you left him, you'd hurt him even more badly than he had hurt you. Especially if you were married.
I don't agree, because I'd probably be to the point where I'd just off myself. I've been too invested for too long. Luckily, I'm married to a guy that wouldn't do that to me. Doing so would go against every fiber of his character. I was around when he was still with his ex, and he stayed loyal to her even when she treated him like dog shit.
>Have some empathy. Think about the image of your future husband crying on his knees and begging you to stay.
Why don't you have some fucking empathy and think about what you're doing to your wife? You created this mess in the first place. Stop blame shifting, because it's pathetic and manipulative.
>>16448837
I've never seen a survey or study which showed cheating as the majority. It seems to hover in the mid-30s%. As for why I trust, it's because trust is necessary for the world to work like it does. If you ever sat back and really thought about how much trust you have in others every single day, it's pretty staggering. That's life.
I would never want someone to cheat on me, but I could forgive cheating for sex but never for emotions.
If you fuck a girl behind my back once, you suck but I'll get over it.
You tell a girl you love her behind my back and I will have a very hard time trusting again.
>>16448843
>Being around him made me miserable and I grew to hate him.
Why?
Not like he loved you any less.
>>16448850
this is exactly what I'm talking about
girls don't cheat for sex
they cheat for romance
>>16448843
The guy doesn't want to lose his marriage, cut him some slack.
>>16448852
>Why?
Because I love my mother dearly. She sacrificed so much for the family, but he betrayed her and caused her unnecessary pain. He even named me after two women he had cheated on her with, which she didn't know about at the time.
>>16448855
>The guy doesn't want to lose his marriage, cut him some slack.
I understand that, but lying to him isn't going to help him face reality.
>>16448857
Did your mother divorce?
Have you forgiven your father?
>>16448857
it sounds like he was just a douche, nevermind the cheating
>>16448843
Have you ever thought about the damage a divorce would to to children, emotionally speaking?
>>16448725
It would take understanding why the infidelity occurred, demonstrations of positive changes to decrease the chances of future infidelities, couples counselling, and time.
This is a pretty great TED talk about infidelity that was recommended to me in the course of my infidelity related therapy. It helped us.
http://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved?language=en
>>16448868
>Did your mother divorce?
She gave him multiple chances, because she thought she was doing the right thing for me. But eventually she had enough and they divorced.
>Have you forgiven your father?
No. If it was just the cheating, I would still interact with him, but I would never respect the guy. I'd do the bare minimum and see him a few days out of the year. But because of all the other weird shit, I've completely cut contact. Interacting with him causes me too much stress and heartache.
>>16448870
>it sounds like he was just a douche, nevermind the cheating
I'm pretty sure he's a sociopath. He can cheat lie detector tests, he's a pathological liar, he's violent, and he sleeps with everything. He doesn't seem to understand remorse or shame, and he's unable to put himself in another person's shoes. And don't even get me started on the manipulation and the arrogance.
>>16448877
>Have you ever thought about the damage a divorce would to to children, emotionally speaking?
See >>16448895. When my mother divorced my father, and she was eventually her old self again, I was happy. Divorce doesn't mean a parent stops being a parent. I'd rather see both parents happy instead of unhappily chaining themselves to each other. Some people just shouldn't be together.
If I was deeply in love, I'd probably forgive. Just because losing him would hurt even more than what being cheated on does.
But something would still be broken for good and it can't be fixed. Imagine that you drop a vase, you can pick up the pieces and put it back together but it's still always going to be a once broken vase.
How this can be seen in a relationship, the girl might be jelly, sad, depressed. Personally if I had a good chance to cheat and I'd gotten cheated on before, I'd probably go for it. Once the trust and respect is gone, it's gone forever.
Sorry but you fucked up, man.
>>16448788
>Not at all. We still want you to be a part of our lives.
Don't you realize how utterly selfish this is? It takes one person to break up a relationship. She gets to decide whether she is okay with you fucking around whether or not you have feelings for anyone else. She gets to decide whether it matters anything at all whether emotion was involved.
Besides, it is more than simply having sex with someone else by itself. By cheating, you fuck your partner over because you feel entitled to a privilege she doesn't get (at least, I take it that you would not, like most cheaters, like her to get herself some fresh dick) and go behind her back to help yourself to it. You lie to her face by omission every day, and more explicitly often enough to cover up the tracks. It is deceit, plain and simple. You can rationalize it all you want but that doesn't make you any better, only more cowardly if you can't even face yourself and realize the justifications you have for yourself are just that, justifications. You know that you'd hurt her and you know you'd anger her or you would not cheat but talk about this and ask permission to fuck someone else, you just don't grant her the ability to reject you over this by hiding it. So save the bullshit excuses.
>>16448962
You don't need sex like we, as men, need sex though.
>>16449210
For one thing, a spouse offers sex. The implication that their sex does not fulfil you because they are boring, not exciting or anything similar in itself is very hurtful. Surely you want to be desired by your woman? You don't want her to think that you're her teamplayer who is great with the kids but as exciting as a potted plant sexually, just comfortable and relaxing to fuck while other men drive her wild? No one with a healthy sex drive wants this. Hell, even some people with a low sex drive would be broken over this.
You are aware that there is an entire social circle of people who swing, are in open relationships, are polyamorous etc? It's okay if you feel that you are not up to fucking one person for a lifetime, but that means monogamy is not for you. Pretending to go along with mutual agreements then going behind her back is deceit.
>>16449236
If you play the "open relationship" route that just gives her a blank check to fuck as much BBC as she wants, while you're stuck jerking off.
>>16449258
Don't you realize how ironic it is that you are painting this as a doom scenario, while you are advocating the opposite, that she gets to finger herself and get whatever's left of your desire to fuck while you live it up with other women?
Besides, if you do it properly (which most people of course don't), you have top notch communication and either person can call it off at any time. Aka if you would have no success you could tell her it makes you feel like shit and you want to knock it off. Either way this is no excuse for letting someone believe they're the only one for you then shit all over that.
>>16448788
>it feels like when we (men) cheat
No. No, don't drag us into your selfish bullshit. This isn't a sex difference thing -- it's a moral difference thing.
Women may say what they want, but they are hardwired to forgive an alpha provider.
Of course, there are women that consciously go against this, but that doesn't change the norm.
Really, masculine, high-status men can get away with anything in a relationship.
oh men... why must you always cheat
>>16450069
Oh women...why won't you just peg me
>>16450052
lol
this goes for anyone. Ever. Men cry after and beg over women who come off as "alpha".
Everyone's really the same.
That's why all these guys go after girls that don't want them and rage-cry about the friend zone, or act like they were sooo heart broken and "didn't see it coming".
I read a story the other day of this guy who, for 20 years, never received a gift or massage from his gf and wished so hard for the day that would happen. She cheated on him, and guess what? He took her back.
kek
>>16450077
>tattoo
>big tattoo
>on her hand/forearm no less
Into the trash it goes.
>a tripfaggot wants to get pegged
No surprise.
>>16450077
>peg you
....
Are you implying I wouldn't peg a man? Men don't want me to peg them.
>>16448788
well that' with everyone you dumb shit not just men. Women cheat with other partners but still keep one around because of love and familiarity.
Also you're kind of admitting men are greedy sob's.
>>16450083
I just saved it for her boobs
>>16450084
I do
>>16450080
>Men cry after and beg over women who come off as "alpha".
There's no such thing as an alpha woman. Entirely different sexual strategies.
But if there were (which, I reiterate, there isn't), she'd be a pure, thin, healthy,fertile and well-educated virgin teenage girl living in some bumfuck nowhere with god-tier homemaking skills, feminine hobbies/conversations who never had contact with any men outside her family.
That would ensure she could land commitment from the maximum possible amount of high-value men.
>>16448814
are most men like this, or just most people including women?
I'm genuinely beginning to think males are actually prone to cheat more. Women do it, sure, but there's a reason married men pay women money to have sex and hang out.
>>16448822
HAHAHAHAHAHA this shmuck. It would also hurt him if she went behind his back and fucked and spent money on other guys, but that doesn't matter to you, you selfish prick?
>>16450100
>no such thing as alpha woman
I knew one of you bitter creeps would come here and whine about this.
Alpha women DO exist. Women who are weak and beta and insecure and try to please people all the time get walked all over. It's why even beautiful women get cheated on and not loved after a fuck. But men DO go after "bitches" so to speak. Your example is only what you'd like to fuck (which isn't just creepy because of pedo-ness but also predatory and abusive mindset of not communicating with any men outside of her lonely little cottage and being subservient) but the funny part is men say they want one thing, but chase after another.
We all want relatively good looks, charm, etc. but any guy that says he doesn't want an alpha girl is a liar.
>>16450100
You'd probably get tired of her if she was too nice to you.
Depends. Would you be cool with me cheating?
>>16448774
Reading is tough eh?
>>16450138
What? No. I'm not the person you're replying to, but I sure as hell would not get tired of someone being nice to me.
>>16450134
>>16450138
Found the bitter cunt and/or loser beta.
>>16450151
Yes, you would. Trust me. Men go after bitches.
>>16450167
High quality men only want sex from bitches, and that's provided they're hot enough to offset this.
Low-quality men are the ones throwing commitment at them.
Must suck for you to figure this out only this late.
>>16450165
Uh oh, bitter male detected.
Sorry you're just mad I'm right. You'll only love a girl as little as she loves you.
>>16450177
The funny thing is, all men react the same. The "alpha" men who like to bone the sweeter girls will cry after and rage after bitches.
High quality and low quality? lol you seem to not understand how to read. Men, especially those who try to just find a lay, are more prone to entitlement which is why men start to rage-cry about the friend zone.
>>16450177
>mad
suck to figure what out late? lol
Guys and gals like what's hard to get.
>>16450190
>The "alpha" men
>will cry after and rage after bitches.
>rage-cry about the friend zone.
>alpha men
>engaging in any of these behaviors
You're not making any sense once again, woman.
