>‘We were hunkered down in an old refinery when those cowards ambushed us. Dozens of ’em. Their weapons flashed out towards us, and they were bright for sure. Bright as a flare. But we felt nothing. Just these dots of light dancing over us.’
>Tau lasers can't even pierce guardsmen fatigues
>Mfw
How can they even keep breathing, knowing they're so inferior?
>There are people on this Vostroyan Grox Trading BBS RIGHT NOW who haven't signed up for the guard
>>46231696
So the guy flubbed all his shooting rolls or you are makin fun of marketlights?
>>46231776
>Implying I'm not in the Guard
>>46231776
>tfw Felinid faithful of the Emperor
>Want to serve in Imperial Guard
>Every year I hear the Imperium wants its tithe of guardsman recruits and I go to the office like a good servant to the Emperor
>Every year I get told "Planet is still under Quarantine"
>tfw another year on the fucking farm with my parents
Why am I not allowed to atone for not being a pure human? Why am I denied my chance to serve the Emperor?
>>46235113
its because psykers are far more awesome.
>ywn be feared and hated by everyone around you but still fight for mankind.
>ywn succumb to chaos because you still care for those around you.
>ywn see the emperor directing the choir.
Hairy people a shit
>>46147995
>>46231696
>Tau lasers
Tau don't even use las weapons!
Unless they're Gue'vesa
>>46235113
MUTANTS
>mfw sanctioned psyker
>hanging out with my bros; Guardsmen 94-221 through 94-227, Sisters Kendisa and Tayala, the servitor everyone calls "Buddy" and of course the ever-present and near-maddening scratching of the Warp at the back of my mind, constantly inviting me to let it through with promises of power and absolution through a thousand years of bloodshed and chaos
>we're all pretty chummy, but the others don't trust me
>not sure why, I'm a pretty friendly guy
>love to talk sports and scripture, especially if some healthy competitive betting using thrones or the everlasting soul that nurtures and replenishes my being, offered so sweetly wrapped around the fingers of angels that sing praises to the twisting, turning follies of man seen only when one is devoid of eyes the eyes the eyes the eyes the eyes the eyes the eyes the eyes STOP LOOKING, THE EYES KNOW THEY FOLLOW THE EYES CAN SEE BEYOND YOU AND WILL LEAD YOU ONLY TO DAMNATION THE EYES ARE ALL AROUND US, YOU CANNOT SEE THEM, FOR ONLY HE WHO IS EVER PRESENT CAN or maybe some extra chocolate rations
>radio's on the fritz, so we can't follow the game
>such is life
>>46231696
>>46232231
>>46235113
Dude just loiter around the space port and stowaway on a rogue trader ship next time it comes through. Hell, some of them are captained by cats.
>>46231696
This guardsmen are about to have a very bad time now that they just stood around and let the Tau paint them with Marker Lights.
>>46235929
Or just suck some dick to buy passage. No shortage of guys lookin' to get some dome from a catslut.
>>46235767
on the plus side, sometimes the psyker gets to levitate and WITNESS THEIR DOOM
>>46231776
Wait did that actually happen?
>>46236282
>>46236763
>wasting artillery
>>46236948
it's grimderp just headcanon it away if you want
>>46236948
Hey, man, the Commissar told us to keep up the barrage until we got further orders or ran out of ammo. We thought it was a bit weird after the first three years passed with no new commands, so we tried to talk to him about it, but he'd just get that look that said "If you complete that sentence you will have committed a dozen infractions of Administratum Code, all punishable by death, and I haven't killed anyone in FAR TOO LONG", so we stopped asking.
>>46236763
I've been in that position before. We went to the range and signed for like 3 times as many crates of ammo as we wanted because of paperwork. We ended up doing 'night fire' until 4 in thr morning because some dumb fucking oic didnt want to do the return count and paperwork.
>>46236763
DAMN STRAIGHT!
>>46237075
GOOD JOB
>>46235767
>radio's on the fritz, so we can't follow the game
>Luckily, I can pick up vox-hymns on my fillings. Or possibly I'm hearing things again.
>Hymns are nice
>>46237036
yeah. Grimdark would be shelling the city until it was flattened and there was no sign of life.
2 more years of constant shelling is grimderp.
>>46237402
Maybe they were just doing it for fun at that point? Like, trying to see who could hit the one monument their shells had managed to miss every time before.
>>46237452
So they were wasting munitorum resources for fun?
That sounds like a blammable offense.
>>46237471
Depends on how they file the paperwork.
Technically if their orders were to destroy the city, they couldn't truly leave until ALL of it was in pieces.
>>46237518
well when there was no sign of life, the city was destroyed. Someone somewhere better have been blammed
>>46237607
Nah. See, if the orders were to "kill everyone in the city", then yes, that would be correct.
But if the Kriegers were told to "utterly destroy that city as a warning to the others" they are damn well going to destroy that city. And if orbital bombardment or large-scale weapons are out of the question, they're going to do it with lesser artillery.
Besides, 10 years of practice will make some damn fine gunners.
>>46237293
>the weird part is I dug out all my teeth years ago when the tiny Eldar that live in my mouth started mining them for minerals
>no way am I gonna let my body be used for xenos heresy
>I'm looking at you, possibly heretical fingers. you know what you did
>>46235113The containment on Carlos McConnell just prevents Felinids from settling on other planets. Carlos McConnell still provides a tithe. You just a shit.
>>46237946
>Now my fingers are looking back at me.
>Aww warpspew, I need to start wearing gloves again.
>Did they notice me staring at my fingers? Were my fingers staring at them?
>That's so rude.
>I wonder who's winning the game?
>>46238030
>everyone's staring at me now
>I think I offended them somehow
>wait, have I been speaking out lout this entire time?
>shoot, I think I have
>thanks for nothing, fingers
>I hope they have a working radio wherever we're going
>>46238331
>I hope the mess serves fries
>With ketchup
>ketchup reminds me of blood
>RIVERS OF BLOOD FLOWING ETERNAL WHILE UNCOUNTABLE SOULS BURN IN AGONY
>I like fries
>>46238380
>I remember reading somewhere that ketchup causes tumors
>I don't believe that, though
>you can't trust everything you write down in a diary
>the guardsmen are getting nervous
>maybe they'd like some of my fries
>not the ketchup, though
>don't want them giving me tumors
>>46238426
>maybe the mustard then
>I like the tang.
>and the sharp taste
>TASTES LIKE THE PLAGUES THE POWERS OF CHAOS HURL UPON MANKIND.
>OCEANS OF PUTRID YELLOW PUS MELTING THE BONES OF THE DEAD
>mustard is nice.
>I wonder if anyone else likes mustard.
>>46238500
>I just woke up
>my head hurts
>the Sororitas are eyeing me nervously, one of them has a bolter aimed at my face
>apparently I was screaming in my sleep again
>she seems nice
>throat's always a little sore after that happens
>canteen's a no-go, too much water in it
>I hope we get to the mess hall soon
>>46238574
>She looks pretty.
>I might invite her to lunch after this dreadful mess is sorted out.
>I like the blue of her eyes
>AS BLUE AS THE DAEMONETTES OF SLAANESH WHO FEAST ON THE SOULS OF THE INNOCENT WHOSE TEARS FILL A LAKE WITH FLOWING TEARS
>all this water talk makes me want to pee.
>>46238606
>Oh hey, the radio's working again
>I asked the driver to turn it up
>he said it's not even on
>I turn it up
>I love this song!
>I start to sing and clap along
>the we're speeding up now
>little too fast for my tastes, but he's the driver
>he's the driver
>drive the heser
>I'm the psyker
>drive the psyker
>I'm the driver
>I hit the gas and we're on our way!
>can't wait to get some of those fries!
>>46238671
>he's the driver
>drive the heser
>I'm the psyker
>drive the psyker
>I'm the driver
>I hit the gas and we're on our way!
My sides hurt.
>>46238671
>this song reminds me off my friends
>I kinda miss them now.
>its alright.
>they come back to me sometimes.
>always screaming and being horribly mutilated but still recognizable.
>boy I wonder what that cute sister is doing.
>why do I hear lasrifles being cocked?
>>46238697
Where we're going, we don't need brakes!
>>46238700
>Haha, cocked.
>Like cocks.
>Like the MONSTROUS WRITHING COCKS OF SLAANESH, INVADING MY EVERY ORIFICE WITH PLEASURE BEYOND COMPREHENSION, FILLING ME WITH DECILITRES OF WRITHING, OOZING SEED
>OOoh boy, now the Sororitas are really going to be mad at me.
>I was smiling.
>I'm not supposed to smile.
>>46238700
>oops, red light!
>I hit the brake
>oops, red light!
>I hit the brake
>oops, red light!
>I brake the brake
>oops, red red
>brake the light
>oops oops oops!
>I brake the lights
>I brake the lights
>oops! red light?
>guardsmen break the hits
>I hit the red
>I brake the guardsmen
>I break the guardsmen
>red lights hit the breaks
>I break the guardsmen
>oh! we're here!
>I jump out and head straight for the mess! those fries are waiting for me! the others will have to catch up after their messy nap!
>I turn up the radio and sing along
>>46238746
>>46238751
>Why are they pointing their weapons at me?
>Hey, they can have the fries too.
>just let me get the recaf
>this recaf is pale
>it looks oddly like blood
>BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD
>SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE
>LET THE GALAXY BURN
>maybe I should wait in the queue next time.
>>46238751
>HAHAHA TIME FOR RED
>I LOVE THIS SONG! How does it go?
>Oh right!
>The treads on the Land Raider go round and round
>Round and round
>Round and Round
>The treads on the Land Raider go round and
>round?
>LIBERA TE TUTEMET EX INFERNIS
>AAAAAaalll day long
>tfw the song the psyker was remembering was this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BB2Ad04mukI
>all he wanted to do was remember the fallen comradesl
>>46238772
>song's too loud now
>I turn it up
>wonder where that Sororitas went?
>everyone's looking at me
>better turn it up
>I take their eyes
>I clap and sing along
>it's super loud, but that's how I like it!
>nobody else is singing
>maybe they don't know the song?
>I teach them the song, but they can't clap
>I take their fingers
>fingers make heresy
>fingers turn it up
>I clap and sing along
>I turn the song up and let them all dance with me
>just me and the gnawing
>it sings so beautifully
>I turn it up
>I love this song
>>46238800
>The heretics under the Land Raider go squish squish squish
>Squish squish squish
>Squish squish squish
>Just like the sound
>Of oozing pus
>As it drips from my wounds as I walk through the mire
>Aaaaalll day long
>Wait, that didn't sound right...
>Is my nose bleeding?
>Or is it just raining inside my head again?
>>46238819
>this song has an excellent groove.
>all this singing and dancing is making me hungry.
>I wonder If I can get a burger here too.
>I hope the meat is rare
>hopefully, positively BLOODY
>BLOOD AND BONE, PUS AND BILE
>THEY PLEASE THE GRANDFATHER
>THEY PLEASE HIS CHILDREN
>I wonder if the sister has any sisters.
>>46238848
>song's too loud
>better turn it down
>can't turn it down, too many fingers
>I clap and sing along
>I turn it up
>too loud
>oops!
>I hope they have fingers
>I turn it down
>I love this song!
>too loud!
>need to turn it down
>I open my head
>fingers
>I turn it down
>I turn it down
>I turn it down
>I turn it down
>I turn it
What's happening in this thread guardsman?
>>46238912
Psyker's fucking losing it, Commissar, sir!
>>46238912
>OH SHIT IT'S THE GUY WITH THE HAT!
>Act normal
>Reeeeally normal
>I should probably stop dancing
H...howdy?
>>46238890
>all this turning is making my head spin.
>I better sit on that chair.
>huh, the chair is moving away from me
>it tries my patience
>its not funny
>DON'T TRY MY PATIENCE INSOLENT PIECE OF FURNITURE
>I WILL REND YOU TO SMITHEREENS AND OFFER YOUR BROKEN BODY TO THE LORD OF SKULLS
>YOUR MISERY WILL BE A SYMPHONY TO THE DARK PRINCE OF PLEASURE
>I better sit down on the floor then
>>46238928
Very well then. You men there. Form a firing line
>>46238969
...Sir?
What men?
>>46238979
Get some more goddamn it.
>>46238969
Awwww heck.
>>46239004
>These softskins are weird.
>Hivemind told me to see what they are up too.
>All they do is yell at and shoot each other constantly.
>That one keeps fucking screaming.
>I don't think they even noticed my tendrills yet.
>>46239066
>A tyranid being sneaky
>on my watch!
>lets see about that.
>>46239066
>And then there's THIS cunt
>I don't like this music
>Too much skittering and screeching
>Not much of a tune
>>46239097
>nunna da 'umiez found me yet
>dis diskize iz too gud
>bug fing wiff tentaklez in da korner
>ain't found me neeva
>tol' me boyz ain't no buddy gonna look in da box wot sez "Juzt Gubbinz"
>rekon goin' az planned
>>46239097
>>46239095
>I can totally hear it.
>You hear it too right mom?
>That screamy one definitely has that brain rot thing.
>He's gonna pop soon.
>Other ones looking at me.
>Just greet him like a normal softskin would.
>>46239138
Sir, has that box always been...oh, no, nevermind. It's just gubbinz.
>>46239195
Whats in the box guardsman?
>>46239214
Sir, Departmento Munitorum sanctioned gubbinz, sir!
>>46239233
WHATS GUBBINS TRoOpER?
>>46239266
>This day is not going well so far
>>46239266
It's a box of scraps, sir.
>>46239266
They...they're gubbinz, sir! I figure it's pretty self-explanatory, sir!
>That one softskin in the big fancy seat was some good biomass.
>Wonder what all the blinky lights and pully things did though.
>I'm sure it wasn't important, I doubt they'll notice.
>It wasn't a huge mess anyway.
>>46238574
>canteens a no-go, too much water in it
>>46239369
>Tyranids eat the Emprah
>He hijacks the entire fleet and becomes the Hivemind
>Tyranids ally with the Imperium
>Creates a whole new faction of Biopunk soldiers.
Know what? I'd love to see GW advance the plot with some sort of tournament play situation, with the plot advancing in different ways depending on who wins.
Either that or maybe I just want to see the Emperor as a Tyranid, go figure.
>>46239433
this thread was worth it.
>>46237402
It could be commentary on a few things. The Imperium making an example, how dedicated Kireig regiments are to the Imperium and/or their duty, or the tediousness of Administratum paperwork.
>>46236763
I now know what grimderp means. That was STUPID.
>>46239795
No, see, it's signifying how inhuman the Kriegers are. Most of 40k is grimdark - Kriegers are two servings of it with a side of 'we don't really get why WW1 was sad.'
>>46243285
and the last part makes it grimdark
>>46243598
*grimderp
>>46238957
>>46238957
>Oh look we're here
>what time is it
>7 am
>waking up in the morning
>Cause it's standard terran date 5364865.M41
>standard terran date 5364865.M41
.gonna get down on standard terran date 5364865.M41
>gotta have my fries
>gotta my BLOOD FOR THE KETCHUP GOD
>MUSTARD FOR THE TANGY TANG THRONE
>oh hey why am I tied to this chair
>suddenly this chair is less insolent
>oh that cute sister is wheeling me out the land raider
>out the back door
>it's opening like THE FIERY DOORS TO THE BURNING DEAMONFORGES OF NURGLE
>hope my fries won't be cold
>>46232231
It's from the new GW blog written in the form of Imperial Guard propaganda. It's actually kind of funny, because they take actual flaws woth their models and skew them as the imperium trying to placate jumpy guardsmen into beleiving that they're going up against a much weaker foe than they actually are. They do things like call out Tau walkers for being unstable from an engineering pov, and genestealers for having biology that would make them topheavy and their second set of arms physically unable to move.
Also, yes it was a markerlight joke.
>>46246133
Link blog pls
