Alright assholes, here's the plan.
There's a dragon attacking the city and every chuckle-fuck who can hold a sword is being conscripted to slay it.
You just happen to be a freshly drafted recruit.
>First, roll your character:
http://whothefuckismydndcharacter.com/
>Second, roll a d100, roll a 70 or higher and you survived the dragon's attack.
The lucky asshole to first roll a perfect 100 slays the dragon, fucks the princess, and gets to ascend to godhood.
>There can only be one.
Rolled 73 (1d100)
You think your character is cool? My character is a fucking adventurous Human Monk from the salt flats who loves to haggle.
Rolled 6 (1d100)
>>45651591
CHECK THIS SHIT OUT, I'M GOING TO BE A FUCKING STOIC DWARF PALADIN FROM A LOW CEILINGED CASTLE WHO IS REALLY (I MEAN REALLY) AFRAID OF THE DARK, BITCHES.
Rolled 15 (1d100)
>>45651591
Rev up those bitches, cause I'm a friendly Dwarf Wizard from the assassins guild who drunkenly swore a blood oath and forgot what for
Rolled 81 (1d100)
CHECK THIS SHIT OUT, I'M GOING TO BE A FUCKING MOROSE HALF-ORC BARBARIAN FROM A HAUNTED FOREST WHO KEEPS GETTING MISTAKEN FOR A FAMOUS KNIGHT!
Rolled 69 (1d100)
I'M GOING TO ROLL THE STATS FOR A FUCKING FRANK TIEFLING WIZARD FROM A CITY THAT NEVER SLEPT WHO LIKES TO SETTLE ARGUMENTS WITH HEADBUTTING CONTESTS.
dice+2d6
CHECK THIS SHIT OUT, I'M GOING TO BE A FUCKING
FRIENDLY HUMAN BARBARIAN FROM A VERY TINY PROVINCE WHO HAS TAKEN A VOW OF SILENCE
Rolled 33 (1d100)
YOU THINK YOUR CHARACTER IS COOL? MY CHARACTER IS A FUCKING
SNOBBY TIEFLING PALADIN FROM THE FOREST OF SADNESS WHO IS AFRAID OF SHARP EDGES
Rolled 18 (1d100)
I'M GOING TO ROLL THE STATS FOR A FUCKING IRRITABLE ELF MONK FROM THE IRON MOUNTAIN RANGE WHO HAS NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE.
"PHILOSOPHICAL HALF-ORC BARBARIAN FROM THE NICE PART OF A BAD TOWN WHO LOST THEIR FAMILY IN A DRAGON ATTACK"
My name is ugga montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die
Rolled 46 (1d100)
CHECK THIS SHIT OUT, I'M GOING TO BE A FUCKING OUTSPOKEN ELF CLERIC FROM A SECRET BRAWLERS GUILD WHO HATES THE WRITTEN WORD.
"For the glory of battle!"
>>45651733
Fucked up the roll
Rolled 29 (1d100)
CHECK THIS SHIT OUT, I'M GOING TO BE A FUCKING MISERABLE HALFLING CLERIC FROM AN AFFLUENT UPBRINGING WHO WAS FORCED TO WATCH THEIR FAMILIES EXECUTION.
"Dragon attack? Does it look like I care? Alright Im on my way."
Rolled 50 (1d100)
I'M GOING TO ROLL THE STATS FOR A FUCKING ATTENTIVE DRAGONBORN FIGHTER FROM THE PARLIAMENT OF BEGGARS WHO WAS APPRENTICED TO A FAILED ALCHEMIST.
"Gonna make that Dragon explode! Into a trillion little stars, and each star is going to have a trillion uncle sheos, and each sheo will live a good life."
dice+1d100
CHECK THIS SHIT OUT, I'M GOING TO BE A FUCKING EXCITABLE HALF-ELF DRUID FROM A TOWN OF OUTLAWS WHO HAS A BAD GAMBLING PROBLEM
HENCE WHY I'M RISKING MY LIFE AND MY WIFE ON A FUCKING D100 ROLL
I'M GOING TO ROLL THE STATS FOR A FUCKING CONCEITED GNOME WIZARD FROM A DESTROYED CITY WHO IS COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY TONE-DEAF.
"What? Dragon attack? I cant hear shit!"
>>45651700
Sir Lonsdale! Surely a knight of your great accomplishments can save us from this dragon scourge! It wouldn't be the first dragon you defeated!
Rolled 39 (1d100)
>>45651782
FUCK
Rolled 87 (1d100)
>>45651790
FUCK I FORGIT TA ROLL
>>45651794
"And my Wife is dead."
"And now so are you."
RELIABLE ELF WARLOCK FROM A BUSTLING CITY WHO SEEMS TO KNOW EVERYONE
Rolled 52 (1d100)
'I'M GOING TO BE A FUCKING
ADVENTUROUS DRAGONBORN CLERIC FROM A REFUGEE CAMP FOR WAR ORPHANS WHO NEVER PASSES UP A CHANCE TO SAY, 'I TOLD YOU SO.'
Leave dragon to me.
Rolled 94 (1d100)
I'M GOING TO ROLL THE STATS FOR A FUCKING MEAN DWARF CLERIC FROM THE NORTHERN WASTELANDS WHO CARRIES THE SCARS OF AN ATTEMPTED SUICIDE.
"COME ERE YA SON OF A SCALY SHITE! COME AND END ME! I SWEAR ILL MAKE YOU BLEED FIRST!"
>>45651823
So close.
You know what, fuck it, im gonna use this character for my DND game.
Rolled 55 (1d100)
>>45651591
playful Tiefling Monk from a prison colony who is on the run after having an affair with a noble's daughter
Rolled 95 (1d100)
YOU THINK YOUR CHARACTER IS COOL? MY CHARACTER IS A FUCKING UNPREDICTABLE HALF-ORC BARD FROM THE QUALITY CONTROL FOR POTION BREWING ASSOCIATION WHO IS WANTED FOR A REWARD.
"Hey man, a job is a job."
Rolled 100 (1d100)
>>45651591
My name is Urist Vampbeard, and I'm a gruff Dwarf Wizard from an unpure bloodline who doesn't have a reflection.
Stand back ya'll, I got this shit.
I am a moody Dragonborn Fighter from a tiny village who was, until recently, employed to run a dungeon.
They call me Tarazeer!
dice+2d6
Rolled 97 (1d100)
I am a delightful Half-orc Ranger from the black dungeon who has a serious weapons fetish
Rolled 52 (1d100)
>>45651591
SPITEFUL ELF RANGER FROM THE UNDERDARK WHO IS COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY TONE-DEAF
Fuck it. If I live through this, I'm gonna multiclass into bard, just to spite the GM and his bullshit dragons. What the fuck is a yellow dragon anyway?
>>45651849
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Oe7Q8OCm5I#t=15s
BEHOLD THE WIZARD!!!!!!!
Rolled 63 (1d100)
>>45651591
Human commoner with a spear comming in!
>>45651849
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner.
Can we say all the +90 rolls helped u?
>>45651849
The absolute madman!
>>45651849
yee congrats Urist you killed it, the city is saved hooray.
>>45651849
FUCK YES, I GET TO FUCK THE PRINCESS
WE'RE GONNA MAKE SO MANY FUCKING HALF-DWARF BABIES
>>45651880
The princes is an Orc.
So good luck with that!
Ok threads over, everyone go back home now.
>>45651891
I'm a god now though, I'll just turn her into a beautiful, pure human virgin.
YOU CANNOT STOP URIST VAMPBEARD
Rolled 91 (1d100)
>>45651591
RELUCTANT TIEFLING WARLOCK FROM A REFUGEE CAMP FOR WAR ORPHANS WHO BELIEVES THEY'RE A DEMI GOD, BUT HASN'T FIGURED OUT WHO'S THEIR FATHER YET
>>45651922
Oh god what have we unleashed.
dice+1d100 CHECK THIS SHIT OUT, I'M GOING TO BE A FUCKING
DECISIVE HALF-ELF WIZARD FROM THE DANK HOLLOWS WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF POLITENESS
Rolled 6 (1d100)
impulsive Gnome Rogue from the imperial army who doesn't speak a word of common
Rolled 43 (1d100)
>>45651942
Real roll
>>45651929
THERE'S A NEW GOD IN TOWN AND HIS NAME IS URIST VAMPBEARD
FIRST DECREE AS A GOD: EVERYONE HAS A BEARD
MY DAD HAD A BEARD, MY BROTHER HAD A BEARD, MY SISTER HAD A BEARD, MY MOM HAD A BEARD, SO FUCK IT MAN, EVERYONE HAS A BEARD NOW
SECOND DECREE, NO MORE REFLECTIONS, THEY TRIGGER ME
Rolled 78 (1d100)
>>45651976
Rolling to kill Urist.
I am an excitable Tiefling Fighter from a city with towers that rival the clouds who lost their sense of smell in a bar fight.
Rolled 89 (1d100)
Snobby Elf Warlock who won his demonic pact in a poker game. It really looked like a nice looking gem at the time.
Rolled 85 (1d100)
Hey anyone seen my pet Dragon?
A little Half-elf wearing luxurious sorcerer robes appears out of thin air.
>>45652021
YOU CANNOT KILL A GOD WITH A MISERABLE 78
ENJOY YOUR NEW BEARD AND LACK OF REFLECTION, I HOPE YOU ENJOY THEM AS MUCH AS I DO
Rolled 54 (1d100)
>>45651976
I'm happy for the ability to grow a the beard but as a BOISTEROUS ELF BARD FROM A FOGGY PENINSULA WHO WAS TOLD HE'D NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH, I cannot allow the absence of my glorious reflection to go unpunished! Prepare to die!
Rolled 12 (1d100)
>>45651976
Roll to join Urist Vampbeard as a body guard to protect him from these assassins
I am >>45651841
>>45652115
A 54? FOR A GOD? SURELY YOU MUST BE JOKING, NOTHING LESS THAN A PERFECT 100 WOULD EVER KILL ME, GOD OF BEARDS AND NON-REFLECTIONS
Rolled 70 (1d100)
>>45652102
CRITICAL HALF-ELF DRUID FROM A DROUGHT-STRICKEN FARM WHO NEVER PASSES UP A CHANCE TO SAY, 'I TOLD YOU SO.'
Rawlin to kill the dorf
"I fucking told you so that dworf will be the end of us"
Rolled 80 (1d100)
>>45652158
RELUCTANT DWARF RANGER FROM THE SALT FLATS WHO BELIEVES THEY'RE A DEMI GOD, BUT HASN'T FIGURED OUT WHO'S THEIR FATHER YET
Rawlin to see if He be mah daddy
>>45652021
>>45652148
>>45652167
How does one kill a god?
Rolled 75 (1d100)
RELIABLE DRAGONBORN BARBARIAN FROM THE FREELANDS WHO ALWAYS CUTS TO THE CHASE
I kick the dragon!
>>45652203
Deny them worship.
Does anyone worship him here besides ugly hairy manlets?
No.
Then exterminate the hairy ugly manlets unless they deny him as their god.
>>45652209
Wow you are still attacking a dead dragon?
Talk about beating a dead horse.
>>45652167
A 70? A DWARF WILL NOT BE THE END OF YOU, BUT RATHER YOUR INABILITY TO ROLL PERFECTLY
>>45652183
YOU ARE CLEARLY NOT MY CHILD, AS A CHILD OF MY BLOOD WOULD ROLL 100I'll let you live, any dwarf is cool with me bro, we're all a brotherhood ya know
>>45651591
>sword
Lol no you can't kill a Dragon of that size with a sword, that's like trying to kill an elephant with papercuts, what you need are balistas and lots if them.
>>45652278
That didn't stop the dwarf.
>>45651591
>http://whothefuckismydndcharacter.com/
Well, time to own this shit, I'm the "DEPENDABLE HALF-ELF WARLOCK FROM A FLOATING SHANTY TOWN WHO IS DYING OF A PLAGUE AND SEARCHING FOR A CURE" and this dragon is fucked. Prepare my princess wench.
Rolled 43 (1d100)
>>45652256
A human shadow-monk appears on a roof-top.
*Attempts to snatch his godhood.*
>>45652328
A 43? THE MOST PITIFUL ATTEMPT YET!
>>45652327
FORGOT MY ROLL YOU LUCKY DRAGON BITCH
>>45652354
OP here, looks like you fell on your sword, sucks.
Rolled 45 (1d100)
>>45652354
Rolled 2 (1d100)
A CRABBY HALF-ORC BARD FROM A POOR DAIRY FARM WHO ALWAYS WANTED TO BE AN ARTIST
>>45651591
>>45651849
Looks like you are a dragon slaying, royal house wrecking god. Good fucking job.
>>45652354
AS THE NEW GOD OF THIS WORLD, I INFORM YOU THAT YOU SHOULD READ THE THREAD BEFORE YOU POST
I, THE UNHOLY WIZARD URIST VAMPBEARD, GOD OF BISEXUAL BEARDS AND NON-REFLECTIONS, AM THE ONE WHO KILLED THIS DRAGON
BOW TO ME AND MAKE A WORTHY SACRIFICE, LEST YOUR BEARD GROW IN SCRAGGLY AND NECK-BOUND
Rolled 96 (1d100)
A LOUD HALF-ELF PALADIN FROM A MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON WHO HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM
Rolled 64 (1d100)
A OBNOXIOUS DWARF ROGUE FROM THE FORKED ISLANDS WHO BELIEVES IN RACIAL PURITY
Rolled 61 (1d100)
>>45652387
I, reluctant Dragonborn Barbarian from Black Rock Beach who was raised as a hostage by their father's enemies, bow to no one!
Rolled 23 (1d100)
>>45652347
The shadowmonk stumbles and is thrown into a pool of dragon-blood nowhere near the Dwarf wizard.
Suddenly the blood is acting up and being absorbed by the Shadowmonk awakening a draconic bloodline.
Roll to see just how fucked the Dwarf now is!
>>45652387
CONFIDENT DWARF FIGHTER FROM A HABERDASHERY WHO JUST WANTS THEIR MONEY BACK
'm gonna kick yer arse and get me gold back you bloody vampire.
>>45652413
A 23? NOT FUCKED AT ALL I THINK!
>>45652410
WELL WITH A MISERABLE 61 YOU MAY WANT TO START BOWING, LEST YOU BE SLAIN LIKE THE DRAGON!Also dude, like, seriously, you're gonna get a really scraggly neckbeard and everyone is gonna laugh at you
Rolled 1 (1d100)
>>45652466
>>45652486
A 1? ENJOY YOUR NEW LIFE AS A VAMPIRE SPAWN WITH A SHITTY NECKBEARD! HAHAHAHAHA
Rolled 87 (1d100)
>>45651976
I'M A GLOOMY HALF-ORC WIZARD FROM A HABERDASHERY WHO ACCIDENTALLY TORCHED THE LOCAL TEMPLE AND IS NOW CURSED BY ITS GOD.
FUCK YOU FOR CURSING ME YA PRICK.
>>45652517
>>45652517
>>45652517
NEW QUEST, MOTHERFUCKERS!
BEAT THE VILLAIN!
SAVE THE WORLD!
GO BECOME A GOD!
Rolled 38 (1d100)
>>45651591
HARD-WORKING DRAGONBORN BARD FROM THE IMPERIAL ARMY WHO SEARCHES ENDLESSLY FOR THEIR KIDNAPPED CHILD
I like the win con on that dragon
>>45651591
>BITCHY ELF WIZARD FROM THE RAT CATCHERS GUILD WHO WAS EXILED BY THEIR BROTHER THE KING
IF MY BROTHER WERE A TRUE KING LIKE ME, THIS DRAGON WOULD BE BOWING BEFORE ME! BUT NO, HERE I AM, LORD OF THE RATS. What the hell do you guys expect me to do about this? Summon my royal army? Oh wait, thats what my brother has and used to exile me, maybe I can leave a trail of these flithy vermin and led him out of the city straight to MY throne so I can dispose of that pretender, my brother!
Rolled 12 (1d100)
>>45654173
Wtf it didn't roll for me, stupid 4chan is obviously broken... this wouldn't happen if I were the King!
