>You discover that your wife has secretly been engaging in necromancy
>>44513949
Guess I've got a bone to pick with her.
>>44513949
Well, that's puts her earlier talk about "wanting to raise kids with me" into a whole new perspective.
>>44513949
Well, we did talk about bringing a few friends into the bedroom.
I guess this is one way to add some life back into our marriage.
I always did wonder why she said one of my most charming features were my soulless eyes and how I sleep like the dead.
Consider the following before you forgive her:
>>95% of necromancers regularly have sex with corpses
>>44513949
That basically happens near the beginning of Berserk.
>>44513949
She did say she liked getting boned at night when we first met.
>>44514064
it's less of necromancy and more of a sodomy cult
>>44513949
>so dats why da pussy stank so much
>>44513949
Oi, that's mah grannie's shovel! Hand it over, I got ya yer own jes' las' week!
>>44513975
>>44514018
>>44514075
God damn it you guys.
>>44513949
That's cool. Unless for some reason she hasn't worn the sexy outfits to bed. Then we'll have a problem.
>>44514088
Yeah, but the principle is the same. Wife dabbling in dark magic behind husband's back.
>>44513949
Really? I thought we just joked about that shit. So does this mean the "till death do us part" thing doesn't mean anything anymore? Because I'm pretty sure I'll be cool with that.
>>44513949
can she bring back my previous wife ?
>>44513949
If I divorce her afterward, does that count as death doing us part?
I suppose she is entitled to a life outside the house.
Necromancer? I hardly know 'er!
that explains why she dident seem to care much when i forgot to water the plants
>>44513949
I ask if her voodoo can bring back the woman I married 8 years ago.
WITNESS
AND
SMITE
>>44513949
Well, I don't want her to feel ashamed; I married her, after all! Guess I'll grow a spine and bone up on her hobby.
Jokes on her I'm a Lich that's bin using polymorph all a long.
>>44513949
>>44513949
>mfw I'm a paladin
Y'all know what time it is.
>>44513949
Our love for each other isn't the only thing that's undying.
>>44514110
You came into a necromancy thread and didn't expect it to be humerus?
>>44514877
I'm sorry, I don't have the stomach for this, my hearts just not in it.
>Married the BBEG
Not again!
>She's formed a small cult, in order to guard the local area against an adventuring party gone rogue, intent on some unknowable evil.
>>44514088
I still think the count had the right idea. What's the problem with becoming a powerful slug monster if it means murdering your witch wife? He got to protect his daughter, at least.
>>44514186
There's a goddess in the Libris Mortis for D&D that's basically that. Her cult believes that love transcends everything, even life. So they all seek immortality through necromancy.
Is she a good necromancer? Helping orphans and stuff ?
>>44514743
>she doesn't detect as evil
>she is under five hit dice
What do
>>44513949
Before I judge her I simply ask three questions.
Are you a flesh golem kind of necromancer or a "Yup, that is definitely aunt Dorthy's courpse" kind of necromancer
Are you dead, am I dead?
Skeli-copters yes/no? (This is the only one I really care about.)
>>44515484
The second one
No. Yes
Yes
>>44513949
>"It happened one time, Sarah, one time! You gonna laud that over me forever, now aren't you? I'm sorry I'm not a machine. I can't just get it up when ever you want me to."
>>44513949
I'm fine because at least she isn't practicing Negromancy
>>44515412
>believes that love transcends everything
Are you telling there's lore for MAGICAL GIRL NECROMANCERS!?
I must read this now!
>>44515452
She's still a practitioner of the dark arts, anon; tampering with life and death where no mortal should hold realm.
Smite and cleave.
>>44515390
He didn't do it to become a slug monster, he did it to block out emotions. He basically got rid of his ability to feel sympathy or empathy. The slug monster thing is just a side effect.
>>44515427
No, but in her defense the orphanage attacked her.
>>44513949
Is she a good cook? Does she wash her hands before cooking?
Does she keep the rest of herself clean?
If so then I guess I'm alright with it. I mean, I don't wanna do it myself, but I'm fine with her doing her thing.
Awww honey, this is just like that time I took dance classes secretly for our anniversary! I've been so busy raping up an army with the boys that I didn't even notice that you were working on an auxiliary force. This is going to be a great anniversary!
>>44515581
>Raping up an army
You read too much orc hentai anon, and that's not a bad thing.
>>44513949
>She's been practicing your craft in secret to impress you
>>44515612
>she actually has quite a bit of talent and is a natural at it
>>44515608
Orcs and orc hybrids are adults much sooner than humans. Voldur are long lived orc-elves. A decade or so of village raids from their base camp and they have a large army of new recruits with plenty more on the way.
>>44515612
>she did it to safely rigor mortis your penis, or transplant a huge for herself
>>44513949
"Honey, call the adventurers, lets get some spare parts!"
>Proceed to start replacing my body parts with various magical beast parts as well as tacking on a few for good measure.
>>44515691
>Once did a game with some good friends as a necromancer
>Eventually had her craft together a flesh golem, out of a wide array of parts, up to and including horse genitals
>Traps her soul in a gem, and the gem into the golem, finished the game as a glorious giant hermaphrodite magical realming the rest of the party.
>>44513949
Well she really does put the romance back in necromancy!
>>44515551
>says the paladin that heals wounds and curse diseases
>curing wounds prevents death
>curing diseases kills flourishing life
>paladins tamper with life daily
>>44514261
Lel
Well, you can't spell Necromancer without Romance.
>>44513949
>Well that's neat, I guess. As long as you're waiting for people to die of, you know, not-you-related causes then I don't really mind. Just don't overdo it, last thing we need is some church or, gods forbid, an adventuring party snooping around our house.
Thanks to a life time of adventuring with a party made up of mostly magic casters at some point my grumpy old ranger simply stopped giving a fuck about whatever weird shit happened around him so long as it wasn't harmful or permanent. The world could go completely inverted the next day and he physically would not be capable of giving any less of a fuck so long as it didn't impair his ability to drink whiskey and whittle too badly.
>>44513949
>Killed my dog so she'd stop fucking him
>she's still fucking him
>>44515917
Neck romance? That sounds a bit...rough.
>>44515999
>fictional, hypothetical character's wife is a necromancer
>jumps to making her a dog fucking necrophile
Outside man. You might need to go outside for a while.
It's a good thing I'm a skeleton
>>44516024
Well, they are already dead, so.
Y'know.
Go to town.
Worst you can do is hurt their feelings.
>>44513949
Beat her.
She knows better than to do necrostuff in the kitchen.
>>44513949
>realize I'm actually a skeliton
>live the dream of being spoopy
>>44513949
Oh come on, you KNOW I'm a Restoration specialist. This is just awkward now. Conjuration would have been great if you were interested in summoning.
I just learnt Vampire's Bane too, and I was going to say I got Necromage certification.. This is so awkward.
I should have stayed in Black Marsh and married an Alterationist.
>>44516173
>live the dream of being spoopy
Tis a good dream
>>44516160
50s plz go back to your cigarette and lard sandwich
Is her name Chella? Chella seems pretty down for it.
>>44513949
I tear up.
It may be naive of me, but I think she wants to restore the leg I lost in the last war.
The rebels had hired necromancers you see, my leg was hit by something... foul. It stinks, and I can't risk popping these black gas bags again.
I was never the same again, and our marriage suffered ever since I returned.
>>44513949
Paladin vows say she must die.
Wedding vows are silent on the matter.
It's an open and shut case man.Just like her coffin.
>>44513949
Secretly? She keeps bringing back what I take out AND until I convinced her to get cured, she was also a vampire, I was banking on her continuing to practice.
Poor bastards in the Reach didn't agree with undead dragons...
>>44515551
>don't tamper with life and death
>proceeds to kill his foes and heals his allies
>>44513949
great! becoming a vampire was never this easy before
>>44514940
Grow a fucking spine
>>44517400
awwww
>>44513949
nice
>>44519866
Do you have an empty skull?
>>44513949
I'm into necrophilia, as long as the corpse is recent as fuck, in a decent state and without missing parts of course, I'm not a monster.
>>44513949
I think it will help my Artificer business
And bring us closer together
>>44515867
>>44518989
Yeah but the paladin's got a permissions slip from his deity whereas necromancers don't. Its all about the paperwork you see.
>>44513949
I have no wife.
>>44513949
>secretly
What?
>>44520738
Husband, then.
>>44513949
>You discover that your wife has secretly been engaging in necromancy
Goddamnit, I KNEW I had died in that battle. It couldn't have been just a nightmare like she said.
Damn, she did a good job tho, can't even see any proofs of death on me.
>>44513949
Sorry, honey, butCLEAVE AND SMITE!
>>44513949
Damn it all, woman, we agreed no more undead! Not after your aunt ate the last baron's mistress!
>>44513949
http://i.imgur.com/GCpnRcB.jpg
>>44513949
fine, as long as she isn't banging any black guys
Glad she finally picked up the family business.
>>44515867
>>44518989
I seriously hope you guys don't incorporate this in your writings/DMing. This is like disney villain philosophy shit.
It's stupid.
>>44513949
"Baby, honey, I don't think this is going to work. I just can't see myself living with someone who'd do something so disgusting, so... monstrous.
I mean really, zombies? You couldn't put the effort into raising proper Skeletons? It's not like it's even all that difficult; just leave the body chained by the beach for a few days and the crabs will strip the flesh for you. Then you just give it a scrub with a touch of bleach, carve the appropriate runes into the bones, reinforce the joints with some leather straps, and you've got a respectable, far more sanitary minion that'll last ten times as long as a zombie.
Honestly, your mother was completely right about your work ethic. "
>>44520364
That comment reallyrattledme
>>44515551
What if she's a Baelnorn or Deathless and detects as Good?
>>44520829
So many questions, not nearly enough time.
>>44520907
Just because someone detects as Good doesn't mean they. Only a foolish paladin would trust the forces of evil to not use magic to hide their nature, and should thus not trust Detect Good/Evil as the end all or be all.
>>44520783
This would actually be a really cool inter-party side plot, have two characters agree to it at the beginning and slowly let it come to light.
>>44520907
Well Paladins don't have detect good at will now do they? So the average paladin wouldn't know.
>>44520873
holy hell i laughed really hard at this.
>>44516024
Vampires are common necromancers
>>44513949
>Realise I'm already dead.
>I'm actually a greater undead with full sentience.
Today was a good day.
>yfw all this time you're actually dead
>>44521185
That explains why I have this boner.
>>44521185
forgot pic
>>44521199
>>44513949
Reveal that I'm a necromancer as well and she is actually my magnum opus.
>>44521469
That ought to cause some existansial crisis.
>>44520907
deathless dont exist the book of exalted deeds was nothing but a horrible nightmare.
unless im thinking of the wrong thing in which case disregard my fagotry
>>44513949
is that gianna michaels' face?
>>44513949
>no qt evil necromancer waifu
>2010+6
seriously?
>>44514420
>witness
>>44515543
>Magical Girl Grave Beauty
Fund it!
>>44514420
>420
preach it, brother
>>44520865
This is solid gold!
>>44520896
I have a bone to pick with you.
