Hear ye, hear ye, I call to order another meeting of the Mage Guild.
This is just a formality, but technically we still need to hold the meeting. We all know about the Chronomancers' fudging with time caused us to have to invoke Guild rule 2314.231, which is to roll back the rules to a prior time before their meddling so no one can influence the guild too much. Unfortunately, this accidentally set us back to when Page 2311, Subpage 3 stated that "all Mages in Good Standing with the Guild must wear Pointed Hats at all Official Occasions. The hats must be brimless." As we all know, four-hundred years ago we amended that to allow brims. We just need a quick vote to re-update the charter. All in favor?
>>44290862
But with the brims on, how does the snow fall off?
>>44290862
The Equal Opportunities for Undead Trust moves for cowls to be added to the amendment.
>>44290862
I think it might actually be a good idea to have a change of fashion around here. Brimmed hats have become dreadfully dull.
>>44290862
The Cryo-kinetic App. Department votes in favor of the amendment. However, I would like to note on record that members of the Sentient HeadGear Civil Rights Movement have voiced their disapproval.
>>44290862
The Council of Chaos and Other Tricky Tricks votes nay on the brims and would like to instead motion for tassels hung from the point of the hat.
I guess the time fudge ended the meeting prematurely? And I wanted time chocolate, or time mints
>>44290862
Opposed.
The brimmed hat is for laborers of the field, hardly fit for a master of the elements.
You magic users sure know how to host a shindig dontcha? Tell you what, my keys of locking are sitting on the podium there. Let yourselves out and lock up. I'm leaving. Feh!
>>44294569
The School of Punchomancy votes in favor and seconds the Council of Chaos and Other Tricky Tricks movement to include department related tassels hung from the point of the hat.
>>44294821
Bloody boccob's balls, you traditionalist elemental types need to take the wand out of your arses and get with the times. Take a cue from our esteemed collegues in the [s]necro-[/s] *ahem* applied post-mortem department and open your mind to the ways of the future.
>>44298379
>[s]necro-[/s]
Gods above, my humble apologies. My stuttering there seems to have accidentally unbound several minor mind-demons of mine, releasing them into the meeting hall.
Nothing to worry about, but if you feel your tongue utter strange syllables, attempt to open a portal to the hells or speak out of turn, please alert the faculty immediately.
>>44298379
>>44294821
>>44294700
>>44294569
>>44291347
Might I remind our more *ehem* forgetful colleagues of the regulations set down on page 4921 paragraph 4b regarding the use of nametags during official guild meetings. While not a strict requirement it is however appreciated.
>>44290862
The Department of Loopholes, Commas, and Obscure Backward Laws votes against!
Also, the Affiliated Order of Vampires and Tax Collectors is requesting to be divided in two, as the vampires are saying that grouping them all together is ruining their image
>>44298426
Indeed my good colleague, indeed. As specified on the following page 4921bisbis3, paragraph 101, comma 5, we are also allowed, in the modalities explained during paragraph 87, to treat them as "uneducated field workers with no real ability to discern good and evil", or, as explained in the Pamplet Against Excessive and Non Constructive Verbosity, as "plebs"
>>44298446
Indeed and as we all know plebs are sent to the Punchomancy towers to be used as moving targets for our experimental spells division.
>>44298461
I recalled that they were sento the the Plutomancy towers to be used as guinea pigs for that Mida's Touch spell they were developing
More tea, milords?
>>44298426
>>44298446
Ye gods, the mind-demons caused me to forget guild law? They're stronger than I thought! My most sincere and humblest apologies.
In such a dire situation, I table the motion we temporarily suspend the vote in order to deal with the demons. Further disruptions will only continue to delay the vote.
Tentaculon caviar, perhaps? Minted lamb?
>>44298481
Thank you Norbert, your presence is appreciated as always. How is the family?
>>44298491
I second the motion to deal with the demons, preferably through some sort of spell involving an accelerated clenched hand.
>>44298510
Quite well, sir. Thank you, sir. The young ones are ever a caution and a blessing.
>>44298515
Send my regards to the missus, and as always the tea is delightful.
>>44290862
We did no such thing! I swear it must have been those dastardly tricksters over at the priest council!
Oh dear. The tentaculon caviar appears to have, quite unfortunately, sprouted. If milords will excuse me, I'll just be doing away with thaAAAAAAGUUUGHUGHNOONOOOOOOOOOOooooo
>>44298538
Oh dear, not again. Someone wipe his memory and send him to the clerics for healing.
Dam' hard to get good help these days. Poor fellow. Now, about those demons- you just wait a nick, and I'll pop open a portal over here. My colleagues will have those buggers out lickety-split.
SUP FUCKERS BET YOU ASSHOLES THOUGHT YOU SAW THE LAST OF ME
ALMOST DID, GOT INTO IT WITH SOME MANTICORES, SOME CHIMERAS, LOTTA NASTY SHIT, MANAGED TO PISS OFF SOME CLERICS, TOO. LOTTA PROSTITUTES INVOLVED IN THAT ONE
ANYWAYS, I'M BACK. JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THE DOORS WERE SAFE AGAIN.
WHAT'S ON THE AGENDA? GIMME THE BULLET POINTS THERE'S A LOT OF PAPERWORK TO SIFT THROUGH AND WE ALL KNOW HOW I HANDLE THAT BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULLSHIT.
>>44298601
If you would kindly lower your voice I would be more than happy to fill you in on the main points being discussed.
Oh, damnation. Who invited that oik?
>>44298620
All in favour of applying Signald's Spell of Silence?
>>44298601
There, there, dear rage mage, have a cup of steaming hot Vilerian Tulip Tea. Hardly legal, but very good for your nerves. Don't be alarmed if you are having visions from the nether.
Also, the Department of Alchemy asked me to excuse their absence, they are occupied with finishing a batch of their Dragon Flu potion. Did I miss anything important?
>>44298616
IT'S TOUGH, MAN, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, IF I STOP SCREAMING I MAY LITERALLY DIE. BLOOD PRESSURE AND ALL THAT.
THE UNION HAS ALWAYS HAD GOOD RELATIONS, SO IF ANYONE WHO SPECIALIZES IN ILLUSIONS WOULD MIND CASTING SOMETHING TO LOWER MY VOLUME, I WILL _NOT_ PUNCH THEM IN THE DICK IN RESPONSE. PROMISE.
>>44298628
>>44298635
I could cast Throat Punch of Diminished Loudness. It may hurt a bit.
>>44298628
In a minute. I've got to finish my working. You'll all love some of my more recent colleagues, it's really quite astounding what kind of chaps you meet down in the Wracking Reach. One of them's from the Fleshhalls!
Have those demons cleared up in no time. Task a thief catch, so on, and all that, eh? Heheh.
Now just stand aside a moment, if you please, Mr. Harwell...
>>44298628
>>44298648
Legally Signald's is more than coverd, I can probably spin it into "filtering background noise" if we come to a proper process
>>44298635
Really? Able to die? What the hell, this is the Wizard Guild, not the fighter one.
I told you guys that removing the paragraph delta-3 comma 14 from the guild membership requirement was an error.
>>44298659
Quickly, my friend! One appears to have stuck our colleague over here, >>44298663 - he appears to be under their influence! He clearly has been incited to ignore guild law and not use his nametag.
Catch it before it escapes again!
>>44298663
Who said that? Eyes a bit cloudy with the blood, you know.
FROM THE RENDING HALLS, I SUMMON YOU! FROM THE FLESHLANDS, I BESEECH YOU! FROM THE WRACKING REACH, I COMPEL YOU! COME FORTH! COME FORTH FOR THE FEAST!
Ahem, don't mind me, lads, won't take but a few more minutes, be all cleared up in no time.
>>44298663
Oh not this again! Just because you have backup bodies to jump to in the event you die doesn't make you a superior Wizard. Agelessness through superior magical fitness is just as useful. Just look at me! I'm about 1843 years old and still on my original body.
Oh, look. They're here.
Say hello, boys!
>>44298697
Back in my day if you saw a body you liked, you'd suck his life force out, imprison it in a jar, then put the body on like a fresh set of clothes.
Of course, those were the old days, back when we used the 'N-word' for the department and weren't welcome at these meetings...
Greetings, wizarGRAAAALAGLHAGHds! We heaAUGHRGHALGHAGrd you haCKKKECKKERKERd a demon problELELLELELLLLEEELLLEEELLEem.
>>44298714
Ah, the sub-earthly research team. My word, it HAS been a long time. How've you been, my friends?
>>44298718
I had one of your compatriots try to suck out my life force once... something like 600 years back? My life force came out in the shape of a glorious astral fist and blew his head off. Popped all of his phylacteries from the sheer overload to his own life force. It was quite amusing.
You're alright though.
>>44298724
Harwell! You old GRAUGHUUGHUURHGH dog! It's beenages, so many unborn ages, lost to mercy, lost to timeages!
We'll gRAUGHLet these things cleaned up for you in no timeNO TIME, TIME IS GONE, IT NEVER ENDS, WHYflat.
You all just go back to your party!
TEKILI-LI! TEKILI-LI!
>>44298697
You may be confusing me with the Head of the Cloning Department, whose title has become even more literal after that bizarre incident with the malfunctioning teleported.
I've simply found a legal loophole in the process of dying. Technically I'm still dying, is just that I postpone it every time due to paperwork
>>44298733
"life force"
Huber you can admit it. Hell, we have people fucking with tentacle beasts, nobody will look down on you for getting your jollies off with another wizard!
Goddam, I fap to paperwork!
>>44298749
It's true, Hubert. We all get a bit rowdy a-times. Ain't that right, boys?YEEEESSSSSSS
>>44298748
Might I direct you to this individual
>>44298749
Who seems to be under the effects of the demons.
>>44298766
>>44298749YOUDELICIOUS
>>44298749
You might want to have a word with our guests, you seem to have been enticed to misplace your nametag.
Ah, here they are now!
>>44298776
Excellent work my friends, would you care for a small ritual sacrifice before you leave?
>>44298749
>>44298663
Dammit it isn't funny! Who cast a Curse of Anonymity on me?
>>44298776
It is highly illegal to eat member of the Mage Guild, and also quite constipative.
>>44298761
>>44298749
Now, I like to get weird when the magic gets flowing too, but not everything that sounds vaguely like innuendo is necessarily freaky sex stuff. And I'm not saying I haven't gotten down with some weird beings...Some of my children/grandchildren/etc. aren't exactly human.But that specific incident was just a necromancer who didn't understand the forces he was messing with.
>>44298785
NonGRAUHAUGHLGsense, couldn't press you to another bite!so hungry
Those demons you had in the caviar were succulent! WeLIVE AGAINcouldn't ELELLELELLLLELLEEELELL eat another bite!
Good seeing you, Hubert, Harwell! See you on the AUGHNONONOAUUUUGH other side!IF YOU DARE
Oi! Bad taste, that man.SORRY
Toodles!
>>44298811
So long, lads!
Now, can we get back to bloody business? Someone get that man an Anti-Magic Nametag, and let's get down to it.
Now, what's all this nonsense about no brims? I don't fancy them myself, but it's a hallowed tradition! And I know from hallowed!
OI! Me powaful weezard! You people bow! Oh ho ho! Me to am taking over! Me most powaful of all tribe - tribe strongest and best! You all going to- are those rock cakes?
>>44298803
>just a necromancer who didn't understand the forces he was messing with.
PLEASE SIR, YOU FORGET YOURSELF.
We don't use that word any more, we are an esteemed and legitimate department as of sub decree 34c of the great conclave of 1864.
>>44298811
Excellent work, I'm sure we'll be seeing each other shortly (I have some business to discuss about a certain escaped lich's spirit, you know how it is).
>>44298831
As the representative of one of our most forward-thinking and inclusive schools, I vote for all hats, brimmed, tasseled or otherwise to be legalised, as long as the headgear in question is of suitable size and presence.
A crimley crimley crimley A crimley crimley croo
how many spells am I casting at you!?
crumina crumina crumina
>>44298864
Look, fellows, a druid spy! GET HIM.
>>44298864
>>44298884
Don't let him get to the salad bar!
>>44298900
No! Let get to salad bar! Salad for ponces!
>>44298856
He wasn't a guild member, so I can call him what he was, and that is a NECROMANCER. Plus this was about 450 years before the Great Conclave... so he was definitelya necromancer.
>>44290862
On behalf of the Hydromancy department and all in its quarter... aye.
Gentlemen, we don't have to faff about EVERY decision we make.
Well fellows, this has been a most interesting meeting. Sadly, I must step out - I have a meeting with some of those colorful brethren fellows who turned up earlier (have to see a man about a lich, you understand).
Depending on any temporal anomalies that may occur due to the usual inter-planar shennanigans, I should be back in 6 or so hoursjust in time for dessert.
>>44299039
I as well must be off. I have voiced my vote and need to return to the towers to finish the test for the improved ICPM (Inter-Continental Punch Missile). I promise we won't target the moon again.
>>44299066
>>44299106
I say! Vhy does ze Punchomancy department get so much funding, yet ze Guild refuses to let me investigate as to whether Psychics are wizards or mutants!quaffs crumpets angrily
>>44299231
Maybe because we get results?Just saying.
>>44299436
If not for my Esteemed colleagues, you vould still be in ze Fighter's Guild! I see zat scone you just hid, ve both know zat in ze Fighter's Guild you only eat Bread at meetings!
Gentlmen, I've, khe-khem, "found" a reality\time warping bomb in my basement. We could use it to recreate a parallel dimension, where we can alter the rules by not altering them.
>>44298426
You know what Hubert? The Council of Chaos just wants us all to wear tassels. That's it. It's been petitioned since time immemorial, and you invalidate us every time. "No shirt no shoes no vote! " you say. "No name tag no voice" you say. Gives harpy-drips like Magnus here >>44298446 a sense of superiority like he's never twitched his finger wrong mid summon.
Well I will have you know I was wearing my name tag, it was just invisible. Got a...well a stain on my shirt before arriving here and I needed to poof it out, seems I miscalculated the effected area, got my badge in the mix.
As you can see, tag is fixed. I VOTE TASSELS. THEY DO SHIT WHILE YOU CAST. Once opened an intercontinental portal to get some refugees into. . .ugh. . .not important. Point is the tassels were spinning the whole time I was invoking. Spinning! Think of the possibilities Hubert.
>>44301383
Remind me please, my fellow colleague, why did you insist on restoring that damned book, when it was accidentally burned 10 years ago by me, and Ernest, as we mistook it for additional portion of weed?
>>44299564
Do you have more than one?
We could always try it out on the druids first, just to be sure
>>44301565
I've "found" multiple, but they are not field te... Ah fuck it, let's just drop one on that druid grove and see what happens.
P.S. BTW, Urr, do you come over to my crib this friday? Got a new apprentice, since last one already graduated, and she has just an ungodly beautiful ass.
>>44301483
It has nice pictures. Plus my very first dissertation on the nuances of spellcrafting with live kittens as a projectile reagent was published within that very tome. To my knowledge that is still the only copy of "Never Play with Scratches" in existence.
Plus...like I said. . .the pictures. Man, there's a picture of a goat riding a horse in there. It's Pretty awesome, where did I leave that book. . .
Oh while I'm looking for it, the Council of Chaos has just informed me via scrying...er...telepathy...you know what? They called me on my cell phone. The Council of Chaos and other Tricky Tricks would like to petition a motion to change the Mage Guild sigil to a goat riding a horse.
I'll show you what I mean. Where is that blasted tome? !
>>44301867
Just add a rocket launcher to a goat and you're basicly golden at that point.
>>44301775
I never say no to a good looking ischium
>>44299503
Last time we funded you, you argued that "Uncle Magic" should be a legitimate field of study. Granted, the subject you brought forth still has my nose, and I don't know how he pulled his own thumb off, but it was so lame! Where's the flair? Where are the tassels?
We don't need another uncle-gate on our hands
>>44301990
Hey, it is a legitimate field of magic.
My mothers brother was a great Avunculumancer and i will not have you desecrate his memory like that.
>>44301892
I like the way you think Boss-wiz. Someone send the Archwizard a text,or a messenger owl or something. Lots of new motions being petitioned. Where do we stand on brims vs tassels vs plain hats?
I tell ya lads, those demons earlier really got us off track
>>44301990
Vhy, Ve all know to this day that unregulated magic is the reason we are sitting here at this moment wearing brimless hats! And I am horrified that somewhere, unlicensed Avunculumancers are messing with zhe economy by removing currency from existence, only to forge more from bystanders' ears vhenever their purse is light!
>>44290862
Does anyone here give a fuck? Don't think so.
Just wear what you all like you bitch ass muthafuckas.
And by the way, fire that Chronomancer, this ain't the first time he fucked shit up.
>>44302322
Listen, the Government might force us to include you on our charter, but that doesn't mean we will listen to you in our debates! For heaven's sake, I ruled your particular brand of magic either be set aside to the druids, or a heavy recommendation to be incorporated into the thieves guild!
>>44302380
What the fuck you tryin to say honky? If you ain't want my knowledge that's fine, i can take it somewhere else, but don't think I ain't done my fair share of divinations, nor that I didn't pass my trials fair and square. I can summon the Devas just as good as the next fella.
You say shit like that again, I will invoke the 9 hells on you. Not 7, not 8, all 9 muthafucking hells.
>>44302472
HEY! Stop this shit, both of you, or *grabs a reality warping bomb out of his cloak* I'll blow this fucking place to bits! Everyone chill? Good. Why do I have to always prevent you fucks from killing each other.
>>44302529
Of course, trust the practitioners of... black magicsnickers heard around council chamberto try and get violent at all times.
>>44302646
I don't trust, all I'm sayin' is that violence wouldn't help, we are civilized people for crying out loud!
>>44302900
I have to point out that that statement is not inclusive and on top of that highly triggering for imps, devils, demidevils as well as other civilised entities not considered to be people
Pardon me, but this isn't the seminar on the results of Scholar Polk's research on the wine to vinegar trials is it?
>>44303258
Nope, that's going to be held here on the next monday.
>>44302322
Well, actually, considering the nature of chronomancy, this may very well be the first time he's screwed up... on his own personal timeline. We might just be viewing those screw-ups in a linear fashion.
>>44303330
Oh, are you sure? My pamphlet shows it is today, next Monday is the meeting for the health benefits of lead
>>44303223
The are not humans, but can be called "people", as a generalization. It's not like I'm trying to be offensive or something, but I'm not calling everyone in this room "sentients", 'cause that would sound retarded.
>>44303372
They messed it up again man, sorry. Here *passes over a new pamphlet*, I made new ones for everyone in our guild with the help of my terrific student.
>>44303372
I believe that you, like me, are in the wrong time, I thought today was Thursday !
Can't we just get the Chronomancer back ? I also think that I'm a few years too early, my department doesn't even exist right now and it's pretty embarassing
>>44303380
I beg your pardon ?
>>44303509
Wait it is Thursday? Fucking Wizards, try real science for a change. *angrily slams door after walking out*
>>44303537
0_0
*slowly grabs the vortex bomb out of his cloak*
>>44303509
>>44290862
HOLD UP!
Everbody! Eyes this way! This is not a legally sanctioned Guild Meeting! And THAT is not the Archwizard, but merely a shapeshifting doppelganger!
All the REALLY mages are in the archives! Like they aught to!
>http://archive.4plebs.org/tg/last/100/44117251/#q44125148_5345Seriously. There's a reason we slowed up on making new threads, I appreciate the gumption but get in the archives like everybody else.
>>44303626
*Drops the bomb and jumps into the portal together with his sexy assistant and Urr, it appears that a bomb has a set timer on it, and it says, that it has only 40 seconds until the explosion*
>>44303690
>Sighs, and snaps his fingers, the bomb disappearing in a poof of red mist
Amateurs.
>>44303626Horse, stop. Let them do their thing if they want to.
>>44303726
*To everyone's surprise, the bomb reapears, and only 15 seconds are left according to the timer*
>>44303752Just tryna not draw the attention of mods, anon-kun.
>>44303794They've been doing this for a while. Ye Olde is a separate thing from us.
>>44303794They'll be fine, so get back in the archive yourself and let them have their fun here.
>>44303769
Huh. Well that sucks. VIVA LA BRIMS.
>Salutes with a wink and disappears in a puff of red smoke
>>44303820Interdasting...
The more you know I guess.
>>44303769
Just throw it out of the window, by the gods ! *gives it at the Rage wizard, who, while still being muted, throws it through a wall, making a big hole in the process*
>>44303824
>>44303848
the only explanation here is magic I suppose ?
>>44303914
Of course it is, where do you think you are? Now, what have I missed? I got stuck routing some pesky elementals on my way here.
>>44304225
S-sorry! The Air and Fire ones just scare me!
Ve vere discussing reinstituting brims on our hats. Coincidentally, I would like to present ze motion to ze guild zat ve peasants in ze town have all been recently claiming zat a local man, Bill, is a magician who really does magic. I investigated, and it is true, he can make balls disappear underneath cups and reappear under another one! Some sort of spatial teleportation? I think it is fascinating! What say you zat we investigate!
*thwomp*
Ah, how about that, I'm back!
Apologies for being late, some sort of planet-sized disturbance caused a large influx of newly dead souls. Long story short, it unexpectedly boosted my teleport spell and I ended up several planes further than intended, possibly with some minor time travel on the side. On the way back I lost two fingers, gained several familiars (imprisoned in these nice demon skull I tripped on) and made friends with a greater banshee called Steve.
Either way, it's been six years on my end, how long has it been here?
>>44305076
Good gods, are we still discussing hats? My word, I may have not missed dessert after all!
Also, this 'Bill' sounds suspiciously like one of those warlock fellows. Can we trust any findings that result off such crass power?
>>44304407
Don't fret, it was the fire ones that were out of control thankfully so I could take care of them.
>>44305076
Sure, bring him in and have him tested. Worst case scenario and it's his time we have wasted.
>>44306180
A couple of hours.
