>Marry a human husband because it was short term but a good deal for both of us.
>He isn't likely to live past 100 so I can do that.
>mfw he gains immortality and will now out live me.
>>44164583
look at it this way:you can slowly indoctrinate him into elven culture and eventually convince him polygamy is normal.
Alternatively, just ask for a divorce, humans are used to that concept. Hell, he might as you for it if you wait long enough.
>>44164583
Ask him for a divorce after he hits 100.
Tell him you signed on for a relationship lasting a normal human lifespan, and you're not prepared to commit for multiple centuries.
Look, there's only one thing to do.
Spend an entire year having sex.
>>44164714
>Immortal human leaves her for a younger elf.
>>44164787
Is there a such thing as Elf cougars?
I kinda feel like I want to meet one.
>>44164583
Just ask for a few centuries off when you get tired of him.
Don't do that thing that girls tend to do though. You know, where they say that they want to spend some time apart and then silently expect the guy not to act on that freedom, resenting him if he does.
>>44164583
Just put yourself in situations where you are likely to be captured and ravaged by orcish barbarians everytime you need to mix things up a bit. At least once every century or so, and 'wait' for a gallant rescue.
>>44164859
>Like elves don't already always do this
I was hoping this would be a thread where I could post this, but it wasn't. Gonna post it anyway.
Do you think Elves would report a rape? Somehow, I don't think so. I mean, they live so long that sex is probably a very rare thing for them, so if you just grabbed one and pounded them they probably wouldn't mind that much.
Living with Elves must be nice.
>>44164917
It depends on the kind, I think. Like, don't Tolkien elves die automatically when they're raped, or something? Which technically means they won't report it but then you have to deal with discreet disposal.
Keeping it classy as always shitlords
>>44164961
>don't Tolkien elves die automatically when they're raped, or something?
Is that a thing?
>>44164976
Sounds like jealousy.
>>44164978
I only know it from /tg/ so very possibly not
>>44164961
'fucked an elf to death and hasn't recovered from the guilt' is now a new entry in my character history
>>44164978
It's hard to tell, I've never gotten past compendiums of halfling's jerking off to each other in his books to actually see if he writes something other than midget fanfiction. Could be.
>>44164978
Silmarillion, yeah.
Tolkien elves experience emotions so strongly that they can just outright die if they get sad enough.
>>44165091
>if they get sad enough.
The operative words here. What makes you think rape makes an Elf sad? What about mindbreak? Maybe they're just sluts who need provocation.
>>44164896
Wow, that's kinda sad. Sauce and context?
>>44164583
>Human "lord and savior" comes to my floating city court
>Basically teleports to my flying city, ignores all of my magical wards and guards and fucking walks into the throne room
>"DON'T INTERFERE OR I'M MAKING YOUR RACE INTO ASH"
>Accept out of sheer fear
>Later on, he dies because another human got butthurt at him and stabbed him with a sword
>See his fucking legions knocking at my door, thank gods they're idiots and can't get in
>My dumb sister lets some human bitch and her robot-thing in because "she's nice and said she'll help"
>After a few days someone drops fucking super-ebola into the air ducts
>Can't maintain shields since they also sabotaged them
>Fucking humans walk in and burn everything
>MFW
kill all humans NOW.
>>44165114
Elves are, like, SUPER into sex within monogamous marriage, if I recall. They're probably going to be not happy with anything else.
>>44165153
>They're probably going to be not happy with anything else.
I don't accept your hypothesis, but I think this can only be solved by extensive tests.
>>44164978
Sort of. Tolkien elves are overly emotional demi-spirits. If they get all depressed and loose the will to live they kinda fade. If I remember right its something like 3/4 spirit and if something shakes them up enough the spirit weakens or fades away from the physical world.
>>44164846
Actually there is
The direct translation from the elvish term for them is "female"
>>44164978
>"Among all these evils there is no record of any among the Elves that took another's spouse by force; for this was wholly against their nature, and one so forced would have rejected bodily life and passed to Mandos. Guile or trickery in this matter was scarcely possible... for the Eldar can read at once in the eyes and voice of another whether they be wed or unwed."
>>44165134
The real problem with humans is that you don't know what the fuck you'll ever get.
>Traded with a human merchant and tinkerer whose picked up some pretty interesting shit in his travels
>Shows me how to make a steel that's stronger than standard 'hard' steels but still mallable enough to be cold pressed (and it's almost only half the weight! this is some magical bullshit here!)
>He gets from me some cheapo rice seeds with high yields and can grow with little water
>He's really been around since he knows enough of our customs to show proper respect and we part on good terms, I even hope to see him again
>A week later, meet another human at a local tavern
>Louder than an Orc, more borish than a dwarf, uglier than most monsters
>Kept calling me a woman and waving his dick at everyone in the bar
>tried sticking his penis into my drink
When humans are good and proper, they're good and proper, but when they're not. By the gods... I have fought in a dozen wars and never have I been as mentally scarred as that night at the tavern.
>>44165238
That's dumb. Any Elf can just be a normal female. I mean the ones who are really, really old, but haven't turned into apathetic ancients who don't care about other people or things, but instead find enjoyment in seducing younger males.
>>44165248
So they don't necessarily 'die' from it, they'll just instantly commit suicide.
Functionally the same but factually distinct.
>>44165270
Oh, you meant the ones who hunt within Elvish populations? Sorry.
Thought you just meant the whole 'older girl after younger guy' thing, which is pretty much always gonna happen with elves if they go after any other race.
>>44165303
Well, technically yes it's always going to be the case since even a "young" elf is much older than any human, for example.
But just because they're 600 years old doesn't mean they're as mature. They're still young by elf standards. I mean the human analogue of an older woman, but an Elf.
>>44165125
It's from the post-ED segments of mekakucity actors.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ob63C9797zY
Though the last segment here is her grand daughter.
>>44165265
>tfw there is an orc sitting right next to all of this, hoping it goes away, while a halfling is asking is he is going to eat the rest of his stew (said stew hasn't been touched, yet and is very much filling the bowl)
>>44164846
there's a pastebin link in here somewhere
>>44165605
http://pastebin.com/CiV4vfvg
bretty gud smut. I like.
>>44165605
Really, you actually felt it was necessary to put a big ol' red arrow saying 'THIS IS MY CONTRIBUTION' on a largely irrelevant screencap?
Just how fucking needy are you, buddy?
![fef[1].jpg](https://i.imgur.com/Xy1l0dr.jpg "fef[1].jpg")
>>44164846
>Is there a such thing as Elf cougars?
It could work if the average elf life expectancy was about 140 instead of a ridiculous 700. En elf in her 50s could date a young boy who has only barely achieved manhood, and they could still grow old together!
Of course she'd be attracted to the brashness, vitality and naïveté of young human men, and watch over you like only the most tender lover could to make sure you don't get yourself in trouble.
>>44167655
>Not wanting an elf cougar who will remain a cougar for several centuries>Not wanting an elf cougar it will probably also go full ara ara on your son and grandson
>>44164583
You can always return his mortality back to him.
>>44164583
Eat him, take his immortality
>>44164857
Even though she's certainly enjoyed herself that exact same way throughout that same freedom. Fucking hypocritical bitch.
A N N U L M E N T
>>44169100
They also come in GM(e)ilf limited editions as well.
>>44164583
Honey i told you that this was the reason i trained as a monk.
It's the only way to become immortal without becoming a lich or sucking of some deities dick.
If you want a divorce just say so.
I'd probably be better of marrying a celestial or dragon anyway.
>>44169100
Her nipples must be fucking tiny.
>>44169319
Elves are reptiles. They don't have reptiles.
>>44169598
>Elves are reptiles. They don't have reptiles.
Is that for cultural reasons? Like a bird person keeping a pet bird? Kinda weirdly broad, I mean humans keep dogs and cats despite everyone in that arrangement being mammals.
>>44169598
>>44169644
I think this anon meant nipples.
But no, I disagree. Humans keep mice and dogs as pets. Why not Acheron keeping pet turtles?
>>44169704
Turtles are too proud.
The common elven iguana however is a perfect fit; herbivorous, well adapted to vertical spaces, and comes in a wide variety of colors.
>>44169749
>implying elves aren't prouder
>>44169749
>implying elves don't keep the domestic long dog
>>44169644
>>44169704
Yeah it was supposed to be nipples but i had a mild stroke midtyping.
>>44165605
>My Contribution
>Also me
I've never cringed as hard at a screencap before. That really puts pathetic to a new level.
>tfw no drow waifu to act rough with you
>>44169803
Its ok, I like the idea of elves with cuddly reptiles better.
>>44169841
>act
But no, stop, I don't need another depression spell this month
>>44169849
Free range reptiles in the home are a bad idea. Sure they eat pretty much anything you don't want in your home but guess where they fucking hide when it gets cold at night? Scales chafe and cleaning squished in gore from beds is a bastard.
>>44164917
>they live so long that sex is probably a very rare thing for them
wat
>>44165340
And if "cougar" had anything to do with something other than age you might have a point.
>>44169859
She would act rough because she harbors a secret love of you that transcends her social customs.
>>44164583
simple, also gain immortality then leave him
>>44170184
Nah. Till death do you part. Gotta lichify or you're screwed.
>>44170278
Suppose you could also cut off your hand for the "your hand in marriage." Loophole.
>>44168716
I'm sure I've read one or two of those.
>>44169897
But elves are reptiles, they both have scales! No one chafes! Everyone wins!
>>44170771
scales can chafe though. It actually leads to very serious infections.
>>44170097But I'm a masochist. I don't want her to act.
>>44171607
Best tastes
>>44168716
>wanting your wife to fuck your children
Gross.
>>44176512
You may want to delete that
>>44176611
Double dubs compels me to obey. You win this round.
>>44175144
>>44176611
>>44176777
What kind of magic is this?
>>44176777
You should post it again on imgur though, without the censoringplease
>>44164583
Immortality... not invincibility or immunity, right?
There's a mafia for that.
>>44167655
That's 4e elves, they gave all the races a more or less comparable lifespan.Except for fucking Devas, blue immortal bastards.
>>44178936
>Shardminds
>>44178982
Okay, yeah, forgot about PHB 3.
>>44164583
Meh, you'll grow apart eventually
>>44165605
>(You) (You) (You)
>I wrote these posts!
No fuckin' shit
>>44168716
i mean, that's just the gift that keeps on giving though
>>44181037
Puts Eol's thought process in a weird light.
>Be Eol
>Want to leave Dorthonion and these uppity Sindarin behind
>Thingol makes give up one if my sweet swords before letting me go
>fucking Sindarin
>oh well on my own now
>leave Dorthonion with some servants and set up shop in Nan Elmoth
>forest is dark all the time and I het to stare at the moon all I want
>life is good but something feels missing
>mfw qt elf maid gets lost in my forest
>timetoprocreate.jpg
>>44181089
That legit made me kind of sad.
>>44178672
He's high enough level to be immortal, you're going to need the big muscle for this one
>>44184460
I AM the big muscle.
>>44164978
Tolkien shit is weird. Humans may or may not live to grow into food for giant space spiders.
>>44185212
>giant space spiders
What the fuck?
>>44185368
There's an opening in LotR for celestial horrors. Ungoliant came from space and took the form of a spider and basically wrecked shit eating everything until she went away. Ungoliant wasn't a creation of Iluvatar, and it's established she was one of countless things that existed beyond and before.
>>44185368
They're not spiders that live in space, they are spiders made of space. They are spider-shaped holes in the world.
>>44165605
>tfw someone caps your smut
I think I spend too much time here...
