Alright, you little shits, wake up. I don't care if you've still got cryotube shakes, it's time to get to work. The powers-that-be are paying you good credits to scout this system, and you're going to earn it or I'm throwing you out the airlock. It's not like it's hard work, the computers do all the heavy lifting.
Somebody get over to the sensor board. The ship picked up a planet of some kind near here. First we need to figure out how big the bitch is.
You, over there by the sensor board! Put dice+2d6+-2 in the Options field.
Rolled 1, 4 - 2 = 3 (2d6 - 2)
yes sir
Rolled 1, 2 + 2 = 5 (2d6 + 2)
>>43830913
Fixed
>>43830913
About fucking time they fixed that glitch. A month ago it wouldn't have shown the total output!
Oh, what the fuck- is that a 3? This piece of shit "PLANET" is probably no bigger than Mercury. Surface gravity approximately one-quarter Earth standard... are you shitting me? Less than five thousand kilometers diameter. Great, we found a fucking space rock.
Well, we're here to scout this piece of shit, let's do it. I need an atmosphere scan. Command code is dice+2d6-4.
>>43830980
Shit, no. Command code is dice+2d6+-4. Goddamn cheap fucking cryosleep tubes.
Rolled 4, 1 + 4 = 9 (2d6 + 4)
Roger that, sir! Posting reading output now.
Rolled 2, 4 - 4 = 2 (2d6 - 4)
Fixed the reader. This readout right, sir?
>>43831016
Fuck it, I can do the conversion in my head.
Goddammit, that result is a 1. Trace atmosphere, less than 0.1 Earth atmos. Looks like we won't be breaking out the sunscreen anytime soon. Gonna have to wear a vacc suit if we want a closer look.
You just KNOW my superiors are gonna bust my ass for the expense of shipping us all the way out to buttfuck cluster to plant their flag on a goddamn asteroid. Fucking shit, I wish my cryotube would have malfunctioned.
Alright, somebody calculate that shitball's orbit. I need to know how close to its star it gets.
Command code is dice+2d6.
Rolled 5, 4 = 9 (2d6)
I think this expedition is useless. What's of value on this shithole? Someone hates us.
>>43831133
Maybe it's made of cocain!
>>43831133
Hey, you knew the odds of finding another planet full of bimbos that reproduce by giving you blowjobs was nonexistent when you signed up, so don't give me any of that shit - wait, hang on... is that a 9?
Shit, this might not be a total fucking loss. This shitball has less atmosphere than one of Lieutenant Cooper's farts, but it's in the habitable zone. If those shit-fucking eggheads ever get out here, they might be able to take this piece of shit that God scratched off His asshole and forgot about and turn it into something useful.
Nice work, kid.
No use checking for water. It would have boiled off a billion years ago. Alright, somebody give me a cursory scan for life and we can go back to sleep for another two weeks.
Command is dice+2d6+-2.
Rolled 5, 6 - 2 = 9 (2d6 - 2)
Probably nothing. Praying for space bimbos.
>>43831294
a-are those the fabled bimbos?
>>43831294
ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?
DON'T YOU FUCKING PLAY AROUND!
Holy fucking shit, it really is a 9. There are at least a goddamn billion thinking beings already living here. The politicians are going to have a fucking field day with this.
Alright, you all know what this means. Gather 'round. Time to pass the hat. Take a slip of paper. Are we going to go over there and say hello, or are we going to head back home and let someone else sort this shit out?
I'm expecting at least three of you have the goddamn balls to vote an opinion.
>>43831418
Yes, Space bimbos here I cum!
>>43831418
First determine nature of intelligent life. Is it native? Is it living in pressurized habitats? What's the deal?
Scan from orbit.
>>43831418
Just woke up from low berths, sir. I say we check it out.
>>43831547
Don't tell me how to do my job, you little shitsplat, I've been scouting longer than you've been able to jack off!
Point is, SINCE YOU DIDN'T READ YOUR GODDAMN READINESS MANUAL, if they're intelligent and technologically-proficient, there's a good goddamn chance they'll know we're here.
The question is, do we give them a goddamn phone call and let them know we're in their god-forsaken neighborhood? The chances are equally-fucking likely that we're either gonna stick our dicks in something, or something is gonna try to stick their dicks in us all the way back to mother fucking Earth.
Alright, loudmouth over there already called his vote out loud. Let's see those scraps.
>>43831785
>Hands the hat back over
>yes
>>43831785
Sorry I'm late, Captain, but I just finished helping Doc shunt the late Lt. Cooper's freeze dried corpse into a degrading orbit into the local sun. Put my vote down for green antenna'd bald space bimbos.
Alright, looks like the ayes have it.
YOU HEAR THAT, EVERYONE? WE'RE GOING IN DRY! May God have mercy on all of our motherfucking souls.
Someone get on the comms. I want a full-spectrum scan. I want to see these fucking aliens' favorite goddamn television show. I want to see them in their goddamn bathrooms.
Code is dice+4d6.
Rolled 6, 1, 5, 2 = 14 (4d6)
>>43832216
Here goes, Cap'tn.
Rolled 6, 3, 1, 4 = 14 (4d6)
>>43832216
Sir yes sir.
>>43832266
>>43832272
>>43832266
Would you look at that. Not the ugliest thing I've ever seen, I suppose. Looks like they evolved from some kind of weak fucking grazer. They're still fucking herbivores from what I can see.
Don't cum in your panties yet, son. Looks like they're already sending us some kind of message. Alright, while the computer translates whatever fucking garbage they're bleating at us, protocol dictates I hail them.
"Hello, this is Scout Commander Richards of the Thirty-Eighth Expeditionary Scouting Force. We are requesting permission to land on your planet. Please direct us to the most suitable landing site."
End transmission.
Fucking protocol. Stupid fucking things probably don't even know we're going to land regardless of whether or not they tell us which fucking meadow will make the best parking lot.
Somebody send that transmission. Code is dice+2d6+7.
Rolled 5, 6 + 7 = 18 (2d6 + 7)
>>43832428
Rolled 6, 5 + 7 = 18 (2d6 + 7)
>>43832428
Transmission complete, sir.
About goddamn time the computer finished this. Give me that goddamn piece of paper. Listen up, chucklefucks. Ahem.
"Greetings, stranger. We, the devoted followers of RELIGIOUS FIGURE of fucking WORLD NAME... goddamn fucking computer... hail you with respect. We have discussed your arrival and welcome you to our home. We-"
Fucking Christ, I'm not reading all of this sappy shit. These goddamn grasseaters have some kind of church state. Oh, what is this shit? They're sending over their whole goddamn religious philosophy? Good fucking Christ, I don't have time for all of this shit!
You! Have the computer condense this ten thousand years of bullshit to the situation at hand. Engage psychosocial analysis circuits. Code is dice+6d6.
Rolled 5, 3, 1, 5, 6, 1 = 21 (6d6)
>>43832682
Rolled 6, 4, 1, 2, 4, 6 = 23 (6d6)
>>43832682
Here's hoping their religious tenants include orgies and pillow fights in lingerie.
>>43832804
You wanna fuck grass eating extraterrestrials?
What makes you think they even got compatible genitals!?
>>43832698
Uh-huh...uh-huh... god-fucking-damn it, are you shitting me? Not only do these goddamn seedshitters have laws so strict that, I shit you not, they are only allowed to piss while facing a certain direction. When these things aren't busy squeezing acorns out of their assholes, they're fucking praying to whatever god-forsaken thing they've got carved into that mountain! The church runs this, the priests oversee that, there is not a goddamn thing that isn't in their holy goddamn encyclopedia set.
The bad news is, this is probably a trap and they're going to try to kill us for trespassing in their perfect sphere of divine creation in order to try and keep their culture from being disturbed.
The good news is they're fucking two hundred years behind us technologically.
I'm going back in my cryotube. You little shits can sort this out yourselves without me.
Rolled 1 + 4 (1d6 + 4)
>>43832934
Does it have a moon?
>>43832993
>nope
No carving messages into the moon with our ship's weapons today. Oh well, I'm heading back to the low berths.
>>43832918
Listen, MacAvoy, we're all explorers of some sort here. I just like to explore in a different way. Head first, in a certain way of thinking.
>>43832934
How about we tell them that we're Gods, and that we need a stable of their most attractive virgins for them to sacrifice to us?
It's what we did back when I used to be a space pirate. Before, y'know, the navy caught me...
Thank god for plea bargains...
>>43833053
Look, Conner, while we all appreciate your "head first" style of exploration, I doubt that you'd be able to your head a light year close to one of their orifices, before having it decapitated...
Sides, why would any of us want to reproduce with these zealous onion pissers? its not like it could in any way be better than those colonists on Zeta-K-9742, and we all know how "good" they are at hygiene...
Looks like Lieutenant Cooper was the canary in the goddamn coal mine. Doc says I can't get back in my fucking tube until they fix the problem.
You little faggots are still standing around deciding whether or not to stick your dicks in ET the goddamned extraterrestrial cow? Tell you what, there's another planet in this goddamn system worth checking out. While you all decide whether to get your dicks wet, somebody put in code dice+2d6+-2.
Rolled 1, 3 - 2 = 2 (2d6 - 2)
>>43833347
On it captain...
Rolled 4, 5 + 2 = 11 (2d6 + 2)
>>43833366
Sorry... damn mainframe needs maintenance... These should be the proper ones...
>>43833337
First off, MacAvoy, wrong "head". Second, that's the entire reason I went for the special Captain Kirk insurance package when I joined up. And finally, to answer your question about nailing them, I shall simply state, "because the option is there".
I admit, it's not a good reason, but it's a reason nonetheless.
>>43833366
Motherfucking piece of shit, I said a planet, not a goddamned fucking gas giant moon! This is even smaller than Holy Fucking Planet Name down there. Goddammit, we're going to need to use that fucking gas giant to refuel before we can leave this god-fucking-forgotten shitsplat of a system.
You! Take him and him with you and prep the hydrogen scoops.
You! Command dice+2d6+-5.
Rolled 3, 4 + 5 = 12 (2d6 + 5)
>>43833432
Calculating, sir...
>>43833423
"Because the option is there"? Conner... Why? Just... Why?
What if you encounter one of those giant space god things? The ones with the tentacles and indescribable thoughts that drive men insane?
Would you "explore" one of those?
Rolled 3, 1 - 5 = -1 (2d6 - 5)
>>43833477
Oh, wait, damn it! Man alive, I hope the scanner isn't screwed up too bad, or I'll have three more years added to my tour...
That or the prison hulks again...
Captain, your attitude is highly unprofessional and reflects poorly on the service. I request that you take a moment to collect yourself before your abrasiveness results in a first-contact incident that sees us all court martialed.
Rolled 4, 3 - 2 = 5 (2d6 - 2)
>>43833477
Well shit in my mouth and call it a goddamn hot fudge sundae, this insignificant fucking pebble has a goddamn atmosphere of zero-point-four-one-one Earth Standard Atmosphere!
Jesus Christ on a cracker, we can walk on the surface of this planet in our goddamn skivvies with our balls in the sun and all we need is a goddamn filter mask!
If this little fishtank isn't in the habitable zone, I'm going to put your faggot little ass through that control panel head-first! DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME, SCOUT?
Here, I'll do it myself.
>>43833493
>The ones with the tentacles and indescribable thoughts that drive men insane?
Clearly someone never heard the phrase "Once you try the tentacle, you'll go for it again-tacle!"
Admittedly, it's not a very popular phrase, but it is sort of known for a reason.
>>43833563
A little chilly, but not too bad. Not even enough to give a man frostbite.
You. Hydrographics scan. Command dice+2d6+-5.
Let's see if this little slice of heaven has any beachfront property.
Rolled 1, 6 - 5 = 2 (2d6 - 5)
>>43833616
Scannin', sir.
>>43833589
I... I-I... Can't... I truly can't... Why? They.... Have you not read the memoirs?
Captain... Permission to expel my stomach contents?
>>43833647
Are you goddamn kidding me? Not even twenty-five percent water cover? I've taken pisses with more volume than that!
I swear to fucking Christ, if this planet doesn't have intelligent life that wants to suck my dick, I'm going to override Engineering and ram this goddamn piece of shit into that motherfucking fucking gas giant!
Computer! Command dice+2d6+-2.
Computer! I gave you a motherfucking command! Dice+2d6+-2.
Goddamn fucking cheap piece of shit! You! Manual entry, command dice+2d6+-2.
>>43833656
Jeez, MacAvoy, I know you're not a big fan of extragalactic trysts, but I never would've known you were anti-alienist. That's rather small minded of you.
Rolled 2, 3 - 2 = 3 (2d6 - 2)
>>43833725
It's not that bad, sir. Even if it's kind of dry, we can terraform a bit. Hell, might even be a good spot for spice harvesting!
>>43833735
I'm not anti-alienist, Conner! I'm just anti fucking-things-that-reproduce-via-brain-parasite!
Side you know I used to date a Corthian!
>>43833773
And there we go, there's fucking intelligent life - are you shitting me, less than six thousand beings on the entire fucking rock?
What is that alarm code... 4833773... well fuck me sideways, that's all the information we're getting. The atmosphere is making the scanners more fucked up than a pretty girl with a rocket in her cunt!
I'm not standing around here smelling a dead faggot's farts and watching you suck each other off while you moo. I need at least two volunteers willing to act as a surface mission to go down there to meet those goddamned fifty-five hundred alien fucksticks, and any man here with the balls to do so is welcome to step forward.
>>43833911
I volunteer, sir. Maybe these aliens have something to deal with these mental images SOMEONE has caused...
>>43833804
Oh, wow, you dated a being that looked just like a human woman, only with bronze skin, a three foot long retractable tongue, and three eyes. Color me impressed.
You didn't even last three months! You said that, lemme quote here, "Listen, Mac, I gotta say, I know Xrnila's a total 5/5, and the things she does with her tongue are amazing, but I don't think I can really bring her to see the family." THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY. Fucking verbatim, even.
>>43834005
Sorry that I didn't quite trust her not to fuck my brother... or my father... or my sister... I shouldn't have shown her the family picture...
Anyway, Conner, you coming down with me to meet these aliens or...
>>43834005
No, wait a minute. Corthians don't have three eyes, do they? They got three fingered hands, but not eyes...
So who is this on my Christmas Party blackmail recording?
Captain Richards?
>>43834072
Alright, alright. Lemme get my kit and back-up negotiations...
>>43834087
PUT THAT SHIT AWAY BEFORE I SHOW YOU THE ONE OF ME AND YOUR MOTHER TAG-TEAMING YOUR FATHER, YOU LITTLE SHIT! THIS IS A SCIENTIFIC FUCKING EXPEDITION TO ENLIGHTEN THE HUMAN RACE!
Fuck it, MacAvoy, Conner, you're coming with me. Grab a pulse rifle from the armory. Anyone else who wants to come along had better be in the fucking pod in five minutes.
You! You're in charge of while I'm down there. Don't even think of ditching us or I swear to fucking Jesus Christ on the cross I will shoot you down from orbit.
(Comes back wearing a backpack, hefting a small carbine and a "Amaze the Locals!")
Got my stuff. Let's go.
Also, we're not done here. We'll talk after the meet and greet.
Alright, we're in the pod. All systems check. Set course command dice+12d6.
Rolled 4, 5, 1, 1, 5, 3, 4, 4, 4, 1, 3, 5 = 40 (12d6)
>>43834342
Yessir. Setting course command, t-minus... Now.
>>43834382
Well shit, that wasn't too rough of a ride, despite that colossal fucking waste of time undocking. Alright, there's a major fucking population center of holy shit eight hundred beings over there, but this piss-drop moon is so goddamn rough we'll need to land in that plain. Should be able to get within two kilometer of the village.
Landing sequence engaged, landing in three... two... one... that's it, another fucking world in our pocket. Breathers on, boys.
Stepping onto the surface now. If one of you fuckheads wants to say a goddamn speech now's the time, but I'm not fucking standing around waiting for you to sing the Hymn of the Goddamned Union.
One thing this piece of shit has going for it is low gravity. We've covered almost a kilometer.
What the fuck - the scanner is picking up movement. Give me a detailed readout. Emergency code dice+1d3.
Rolled 3 (1d3)
>>43834647
Scanning, sir.
So, how did you know about my Dad actually being a woman, sir?
>>43834778
Scout Corps does a deep fucking background study of every goddamn potential candidate, because I don't want a goddamn bugfucking insane motherfucking faggot ambushing me in the goddamn - holy fuck, look out!
Those things must be two hundred goddamn kilograms! Jesus tittyfucking Christ, watch out for those hooves and teeth! These three monster-fuckers are trying to hijack our bodies! Looks like they have some kind of fucking infrared vision!
They evolved to chase their prey! Don't let them get you cornered!
Shoot them, you fucking wastes of jizz! Emergency battle plan dice+2d6+3!
Rolled 1, 1 + 3 = 5 (2d6 + 3)
Shooting, em captain!
God these things stink!
Hey, Conner! Would you "explore headfirst" into one of these things, eh?!
Rolled 5, 4 + 3 = 12 (2d6 + 3)
>>43834876
You kidding?! I can cut teak with what I've got packing! Watch your head, Mac!
>>43834948
MacAvoy! Goddammit, I told you to watch out! You goddamn fucking retarded piece of shit, you just got yourself killed on a goddamn alien moon! When I get back to Earth I'm going to have to wait for your mother to stop fucking boo-hooing before I'll be able to get a decent blowjob out of her!
There, that's the last of them. Conner, let's go. This fucking village better be filled to the brim with big-titted bimbos or I'm calling the ship to dump its reactor core on this fucking rock.
Computer. Give me a readout on the path to the population center. Code dice+12d6. Code dice+12d6. Code...Goddamn fucking piece of shit government fucking garbage!
Rolled 6, 5, 6, 5, 4, 4, 2, 4, 2, 6, 6, 1 = 51 (12d6)
>>43835064
(Sniff) yes sir, just give me a moment...
(Whispers)I always loved you, Mac... I just wished we had more time together...
(In ghost form)Now you know why I broke it off with Xrnilaaaaaaa...
The feeeeeliiing waaas mutuaaaaaal.....
Booooooo!
>>43835183
Captain's log... well, this was a gigantic clusterfuck. MacAvoy got his dumb ass killed by a goddamn carnivorous armored parasite that ripped him into goddamn chunks before the poor fuck could even shit his pants.
The gas giant turned out to be substandard, just like everything else around here. Fuel efficiency was less than forty percent, so we'll be sticking around this shitfucking little backwater cluster for a while. There's another star near here with a few candidates, and Doc says he'll have the cryotubes working at acceptable levels by next week.
Those holy seedshitting fuckstains have been lobbing fucking chemical-propelled rockets at us, I shit you not.
Oh, and the population of that cheap shit gas giant's moon turned out to be fast-moving fifty-kilogram hermaphroditic carnivorous bags of snot that evolved to hunt the thing that ate McAvoy. Needless to say two of the men have already come forward to see Doc about replacement dicks.
Goddamn, I need a fucking drink and a bullet in my brain.
End recording.
Sir, we've seem to be down to the minimum recommended crew required for an away mission. Should we consider getting Van Hagan to pilot the ship to our position for another redsh- er, crewman to come join us?
That's it for me. The Traveller world-gen system is a lot of fun. I didn't mean to turn this into a quest thread, I just thought it would be a fun change of pace.
>>43835399
>Needless to say two of the men have already come forward to see Doc about replacement dicks.
No need to worry about me, sir. I've got a backlog of replacement dicks. Just like my old dick, except these can play music AND video!
